No. 137: Porygon

hoo boy.

Here's another Pokemon I don't think I'm really equipped to handle.

~Porygon was created by a computer, it is a virtual Pokemon. okay.

~And now it is in real life. um, not okay. We're only two points down and I'm already losing it.

~The technology sucked, so it was made with N64 graphics. no, not okay at all. If they can create virtual beings and teleport matter, why can't they do better than N64 graphics.

~Porygon can go into the computer and mess things up there, and ride around on the wires and shit, because that's what "virtual" means, right? NO. NO THAT IS NOT OKAY IN THE SLIGHTEST.

~Porygon gave like 350 Japanese kids seizures. Look, just screw this.

I don't even know what to believe. How in the hell did they make a shitty-ass computer model come to life. They literally created life. You can breed a Porygon. Professor Oak is laughing in the face of God. This can't end well.

seriously, how the SHIT does that even work?! it's not like it's a hologram. It is a physical being made out of Javascript. If it was a robot, that would be worrying, but acceptable. But this is just too much for me. It is living data. That can breed. Oh god does that mean it even has a polygonal-

I think I have to lie down.

Overall: N / 64

No. 136: Flareon

and now for possibly another Eeveelution??

Flareon I think looks the most like Eevee. It has the same tufts of fur and the same ears and the same body shape, only it's red and firey.

And I have to give them credit for being creative here: it isn't actually on fire, like most fire Pokemon, but the tufts of fur are shaped so that they suggest fire. Like, if it was only a line drawing, no color, I wouldn't know if it was fire or fur.

Also, just love this first Eeveelution set's names. They all work really well. Unlike some others... Leafeon... pshh...

Overall: 7/10

No. 135: Jolteon

And now for possibly my favorite Eeveelution

Jolteon is a badass bitch who doesn't care who knows.

I remember that the original Jolteon holofoil card was like the first holofoil I drew from a pack.

Actually, that's from the Jungle set. How'd I draw that one first? I must be making things up. Or maybe I just had shitty luck with the original boosters, and then maybe drew it on my first pack of Jungle? also I have two holofoil Blastoise I drew from Boosters. Never a Charizard, but two Blastoise is almost as good.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, Jolteon.

Listen: Jolteon has spiky fur and shit, and he's got an attitude. I can't really focus on Jolteon right now, because I'm getting all nostalgiac for those orignal booster packs...

But trust me, Jolteon's cool.

Overall: 8/10

No. 134: Vaporeon

and now for possibly my least favorite Eeveelution

But that doesn't mean Vaporeon is horrible. Just... a little too finny for my taste.

Would she have scales, or like an amphibian-style coat? Because it's sure as hell not fur.

Also I don't get why Acid Armor is an attack. What does acid have to do with turning into water and raising your Sp. Def.

Overall: 5/10

No. 133: Eevee

palindromes are cool!

Eevee, aside from constantly complicating the oral explanation of the intricacies of raising a pokemon properly, is good times.

It's basically the cutest little shit I've ever seen, and then it has a neat gimmick of being capable of evolving into one of many different forms.

We'll get to those forms later, but Eevee is just a cute little fox that I would totally own if it were real and pet it and feed it and treat it like a kitten.

There might be a cuter Pokemon out there than Eevee, but I don't think so. For me, this is just about the peak of cuteness. Like, this is Hello Kitty on Krack for Kidz.

Overall: 10/10

No. 132: Ditto

No, it's not silly putty. You can't eat it.

Ditto has a cool gimmick, and it works pretty well. That is, if your Ditto has a higher HP stat than the opposing Pokemon. And Ditto doesn't take a hit transforming. And you can win your speed ties.

So actually Transform sucks in battle, but it's still hella cool.

But the most useful ability of Ditto is that it can breed with any pokemon that can produce eggs. Want a baby Charmander? Have Charizard knock Ditto up. Want a baby Magnamite? Hell, Ditto can make that happen too, despite the fact that Magnemite have no gender and can't even mate with eachother as far as I know. And waitaminute, Ditto takes the exact form of another Pokemon, right?

So if you tell it to mate with a male, then it'll have to turn into a male, right? So how does that even work? Or maybe Ditto doesn't take the shape at all. I mean, who doesn't like sex jelly? Maybe Ditto just oils up your Pokemon, and that attracts a mate, and the Ditto facilitates conception.

Or at least, egg-happening.

Since I've never seen a pregnant Pokemon.

Where do those eggs come from, anyway? The day-care people always seem so surprised to find them, and it took scientists like 5 years to figure out that Pokemon even have babies at all.

Children's collectable battling monster video game, I doubt the verisimilitude of your procreation biology!

Overall: 6/10

No. 131: Lapras

behold, the My Little Pony of Pokemon.

Seriously, Lapras has to be in the running for biggest, dewiest eyes on a pokemon. I'm sure all the girls love Lapras, because it looks a little bit like a horse, is pretty, and you can ride it.

Hey, what was up with every pokemon turning into a Lapras when it used surf in the old games? That was whack. Now they just turn into a shadowy Wailmer or something, I don't know.

but anyway, Lapras is alright. Got nuthin' against her. She's a Water/ice type, which is to say she's every Ice-type in the first generation, but it's still not a bad combo, and makes ense for her looks.

Lapras is some sort of plesiosaur, yeah? With a shell. That's awesome. Also I like the curly ear/horn things.

Just - just quit giving me that over-the-shoulder look with those eyes, Lapras. It's making me uncomfortable when I ride you.

Overall: 8/10

No. 130: Gyarados

Here's the biggest Pokemon cinderella story of them all, and he's got his crystal hydro-pumps on, and he's riding in an ultraball carriage. He's gonna do his very best to be the boss of the ball, and screw everyone. If he's not back by midnight, basically you're all still screwed.

When Gyarados comes into town, you'd best back the hell away. This mean son of a bitch will mess you up BIG time.

He's basically a sea serpant. Actually, no. He flat out IS A SEA SERPANT.

the thing is, though, his typing. Water/flying? really? I mean, I know they did it only to give him a freaking x4 weakness to electric, because otherwise he would be unkillable, but it just seems wrong. He can't learn any flying moves. He learns a shit ton of dragon-type moves. But oh lawdy, if Gyarados was Water/dragon. He would wreck everyone's shit, no doubt. Even more than he already does.

But I don't find Gyarados overpowered and un-fun like Alakazam. Because you have to work with a Magikarp to get a Gyarados. I guess you could kinda cheat and catch a level 19 Magikarp, and then just slog through one level, but it's still more work than having a Kadabra, teaching it psychic, and then trade-evolving it into godhood.

Also, remember Red Gyarados from the Lake of Rage? I didn't even know what a shiny was when I first played the game. Now that I do, it's still one of two shinies I've ever had.

so yeah, so sum up: Gyarados is an unstoppable beast of a Pokemon, and he remembers all the shit you gave him when he was a Magikarp. Don't run, you'll only die tired.

Overall: 10/10

No. 129: Magikarp

also known as Koiking in Japan, which is a pretty good name actually.

Now, here's the thing: Magikarp is a horrible Pokemon in the sense of "he only learns splash and maybe tackle and has the worst stats I've ever seen on something that wasn't a cadaver."

But he's also awesome in the "this is the story of an underdog who will grow up to fight against his destiny and change into a raging god-beast of war."

but he also sucks in the sense of "he looks stupid, and I don't even want to see him in the wild, because he gives like no exp, making fighting a Magikarp boring and pointless."

but he also makes me laugh in the sense of "hahaha oh man this fishman caught 6 Magikarp how did he use a Magikarp to catch another Magikarp I have no idea but this man is going to go ALL THE WAY with his team of Magikarp."

and he's also amazing in the sense of "holy freaking shit I just ran into a level 87 Magikarp I didn't know that was possible."


So in the end, I want to give Magikarp points for being the poster-child for late bloomers and for being generally hilarious, but I also want to take away points for being useless, weak, stupid, and looking like a pile of magi-CRAP.

Let's call it a draw.

Overall: 5/10

No. 128: Tauros

Not like the car

Tauros is an example of a Pokemon that they didn't take far enough. He's a bull. With three tails.

That's it.

They could've given him giant badass horns, or more legs, or made him be made of FIRE or something badass, but he's just a bull. With three tails.

I can't get excited about that, yo.

Overall: 4/10