No. 558: Crustle

My dream job would be a Space Wailord Scrubber. Why? 50% Bustles, 50% Crustles.

poor guy, looks like he's being squished. why he chose such a heavy piece of rock is beyond me. Or actually, I should be wondering where he found that piece of rock.

Look at it, it's got that stratification that happens as you go deeper into the Earth's crust! And it's such a perfect cube, too. How'd he get it? Rock like that isn't just lying around. You'd have to dig deep and precise to find such a hunk of stone and dirt.

See, Crustle is just not exciting to me. Aside from the fact that his name sounds like a veneral desease, he's just a pissy buy with tiny nippers hiding beneath an out-of-place rock. If the stone had parapets or something, that would be awesome, but as it is, I feel more pity for his sucky existence than anything else.


Overall: 2/10

No. 557: Dwebble

I was wondering when a hermit crab would appear as a Pokemon

I guess I was expecting something more extravagant  like maybe a crab living in a badass helm, or like inside a castle or something? Because this is really just a little guy living in a rock, and that already happens in nature.

On another note, Bug/Rock is a surprisingly good type combination. They both have a ton of weaknesses, but combined, only 3. And no double-weaknesses. so there's that.

Finally, I really think that's a dumb name. Appropriate for a kinda dumb Pokemon, but yeah. Dwebble. Reminds me of dweeb.


Overall: 3/10

No. 556: Maractus

Did you remember how much I like cacti?

the answer is "a lot". I like them a lot. Amingo, Cactuar, Togemon, Cacturne, and now I can add Maractus to the list of anthropomorphic cacti whose company I enjoy.

So, Maractus is a cactus that dances and shakes its booty like a maraca, I can dig it. Doesn't evolve, which is a pity, but I still prefer it to Lilligant. Maybe they should all meet up with Bellossom and have a dance-off?

I'm not gonna lie, this review is like 90% personal bias. The thing looks cute, the face and ears remind me of Kyuubey, and it isn't garbage if you want to actually use it in-game. I'd give it a big hug if it wouldn't poke me full of holes! And if it wasn't a virtual collection of data... ;_;


Overall: 8/10

No. 555: Darmanitan

oh gosh is that a little puff of steam right there in the official art oh wow that is adorable

There's a running theme with these Gen 5 Pokemon: power creep has set in, and they are here to run a train on your shit. Darmanitan has Physical Attack for days, and decent speed to boot. Plus Sheer Force boosts attack power by 30%, so he hits like Hulk Hogan on fire.

But I also love his design. Giant flaming eyebrows? holy check, yes. And did you see his teeth? Darmanitan isn't any dumb herbivore, this boy is a straight-up carnivore. And what he eats is everything. See, it's based on a gorilla, but very loosely. The body retains that round shape of Darumaka, and it just looks like a natural evolution.

Now, I suppose I ought to talk about Zen Mode.


I'm not really sure what to think about this one. If Darmanitan has its hidden ability, when it goes under 50% health, it goes into Zen Mode. In this mode, it trades Attack for Sp. Attack, and loses its speed in exchange for pretty good defense. Also, gains a Psychic sub-type.

This is a strange sort of idea, and doesn't work very well in practice. You see, no matter how many beefy Sp. Attack moves you load it up with, you won't get to use them. It triggers at the end of the turn you lose more than half of your health, and on that next turn, you'll move too slow to do anything. That added defense doesn't help, because your health will be so slow.

If he could just switch forms whenever he wanted, with a unique move or something, that would be usable. But as it is, regular Sheer Force Darmanitan is just too damn good to waste time mucking about with Zen Mode.


So in the end, Darmanitan is absolutely great. Zen Mode is lame. But fortunately, it's completely optional, so no harm no foul. Still kicks ass.


Overall: 10/10

No. 554: Darumaka

references to Japanese culture things are okay when I already know about them

See, there's this Dharma ball guy and you're supposed to shade in one eyeball and make a wish, then when it comes true you shade in the other. I've got like 20 of these suckers, all blind in one eye. It's a scam, I tell you.

I feel like between the monkeys, the firefighters, and Magmortar, we've been needing a completely original Fire Pokemon. And Darumaka fits the bill. First, he's all about the physical Attack, which is kinda unusual for a Fire-type. And of course, he isn't like anything else.

He's a hyper-active little ball of asswhooping, that's what he is. Nice warm color palette, plus he learns Flare Blitz all by himself before even evolving. Gamefreak wasn't messing around with this guy, he's here to hit things with physical Fire moves, and that's about it. Which he does quite well.


Overall: 8/10

No. 553: Krookodile

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm thankful that Krookodile's nose only kinda looks like a penis, instead of being unbearably phallic!


So, we're red now. That's kinda random, because the type didn't even change, but whatever. The shades are now also approaching Kamina-levels in terms of sheer attitude, or maybe more like Doflamingo-levels.

Krookodile is a freaking beast. Earthquake and Crunch, gg everything else. What's that, you're Flying? Tough luck, you get Rock Slide, go screw yourself. I dunno about you, but mine was faster than the west wind and hit harder than a Mack truck. And he enjoys being the engine of destruction that he is, you can tell it in his eyes. You can tell he is about to absolutely ruin someone's day.

Speaking of evil crocodiles that have sand-based powers, I'm beginning to think that this was all just one big Sir Crocodile reference, like from One Piece. Which only makes it better, honestly.


Overall: 9/10

No. 552: Krokorok

Also known as "That Pokemon who's name is spelled the same backwards and forwards"

But seriously, look at this sly smug son of a snake. Look at that stance, that gaze, that crossed arms. Holy SHIT is he full of himself. He's so full of shit, it's pouring out his ears, which he doesn't have.

Anyway, he's a croc that decided to stand up, and is still wearing sunglasses. The stripes are getting a little visually confusing, which might have been what they were going for, but I'm still gonna complain. The belly being pink, yet the stripes continuing across it looks weird to me. Most animals with patterns on their self, have an entirely different underbelly.


Overall: 6/10

No. 551: Sandile

What's that? Totodile wasn't enough alligator for you, you want a crocodile, too?

Are you even sure you know what the difference is? Because I'm not sure myself. All I know is, they are both definitely reptiles that swim a lot.

Sandile happens to be a cute little croc that wears glasses and I guess lives in the sand, but I'm willing to suspend by disbelief because of how goddamn much his face looks like an Animal Crossing character's face. Doesn't it? Doesn't he look like he ought to be named Croco or something?

Anyway, Ground/Dark is a fresh new combination, and Sandile doesn't look a thing like Totodile. Good show.


Overall: 7/10

No. 550: Basculin

Like Shellos before it, Basculin comes in two different flavors.


The Red Striped Basculin, commonly found in Black regions, has a noticeably spicy tang to it. Best smoked for 2 hours, or until the skin naturally peels away.



The Blue Striped Basculin, native to White waters, is noted for its tenderness and sweet flavor. Recommended cooked with basil and garlic at 400 degrees for twenty minutes, or until a golden brown.


Seriously, these guys are dumb fish is all. They have some sort of rivalry, like a Pokemon version of the legendary Jets / Sharks feud, or even worse, Packers / Bears. But on their own, neither one is interesting enough to use. They have barely passable stats, and are outclassed by tons of other much cooler Water-types.

It was a neat way to use up two generic fish designs on one Pokemon slot, and for that I commend Gamefreak, but I'd still rather eat them than battle with them.


Overall: 3/10

No. 549: Lilligant

apparently this one is real popular

is it because it looks like a girl wearing a dress

are you trying to sexualize Pokemon on me again

except this time it's moe as balls, instead of curvy like a french cartoon.


Anyway, I don't care much for it. Another generic collection of leaves and a flower. We already had a dancing Grass-type, her name was Bellossom. I appreciate that Lilligant only learns dancing moves upon level up, that's a nice little gimmick (like Throh leaning mainly throws) but it doesn't do much to make me think this wouldn't have been better off as a Bellossom evolution.

Which would be the fourth stage, I know, but let's talk about that. Why is it that Pokemon only go up to 3 stages? are they afraid to unleash the floodgates, with Digimon-style "we'll just add stages until we run out of ideas or go bankrupt" leveling? I suppose it's for the best. 3 is a manageable number, just like 2 types is fine. I think more moves might be a possibility, though...

anyway, Lilligant is elegant yet doesn't have shit to do with lilies. Her design is graceful and all, but it looks more like some Touhou girl than a Pokemon to me.


Overall: 4/10