hey look the year is just about over

yeah, 2011 next, cool times. It seems like it was 1998 only yesterday, and Pokemon was just coming out on TV, on cards, in games, on clothes, in lunchables, and pretty much everywhere.

So, I'm kinda proud that I managed to get more than 20 pokemon reviewed this month, which is a record for me. I also have really enjoyed - you know what, #100 is coming up in a little bit, so I'll just wax poetic then, okay?

Happy New Year, you bastards.

No. 093: Haunter

I've been waiting for this all my goddamn life

Haunter is, quite possibly, my favorite pokemon of all time.

actually, scratch that, Haunter is THE FAVORITE POKEMON OF ALL TIME. for me.

Everything about him is perfect. The floating hands, the jack-o-lantern mouth, the spiky head, the EVERYTHING.

I will share some freaking Haunter memories with you bastards now:

1. I was Haunter for halloween one year. My mom made me a spiky hat thing and I painted my face purple and wore purple gloves and black all the rest of me so it would look like my hands and face were floating.

2. I got a haunter t-shirt custom made by one of my friends for me birthday, it has Haunter coming out of a tombstone that says 93 so that's how I always know his number. I don't know like any other pokemon's number, just Haunter.

3. In this pokemon manga, they had to deal with this giant badass Haunter called the Black Fog. It was so ancient and badass that it was solid when it slept. It used nightshade, but Ash's fearow used mirror move, so the Black Fog used TWO MOVES AT THE SAME TIME and used dream eater to suck up the reflected nightshade, fearow, and then went on to mop the floor with pikachu, onix, and Sabrina's entire roster of pokemon. That's right, the gym leader. but they tricked it into walking into a hyper ball, which is a super pokeball the size of a truck with a capture rate of 10x a master ball. that's 10 TIMES 100% HOLY SHIT but it USED EXPLOSION FROM INSIDE THE POKEMON WHAT THE HELL and escaped, but its health was really low by now, so Ash threw a regular ultra ball at it, and it would've caught it, but the Black Fog used explosion again and KILLED ITSELF because, as was later explained, the ancient people of lavender town worshiped it AS A GOD and it would rather DIE than give that up.



now THAT is one hell of a pokemon.

Overall: 10/10

but this is the best possible 10/10 you can get, trust me. this is the pinnacle of pokemon perfection, right here.

No. 092: Ghastly

When someone first described Ghastly to me, I drew a pumpkin face with spirals in its eyes on a random cloud of gas.

apparently Gamefreak stole that paper and designed Spiritomb off of it, but whatever.

Ghastly is fun times, sure, but I can never appreciate him because I'm too damn impatient to get to Haunter. So I don't really have much of an opinion on Ghastly, but I think I'll give him shit for being ghost/poison.

that is a horrible typing, especially in gen 1 when ghosts were supposed to be good against psychic. what were they thinking!?

anyway yeah Ghastly also apparently has illusion hax in the anime or something i dont care

Overall: 5/10

No. 091: Cloyster

Cloyster gunna getchoo

okay, so, listen up with your ears. Cloyster is such a good pun, I can't even stand it. First, to cloister something away is to hide it away and stuff. Then, you all better know what an oyster is. and you put the words together, and it makes an oyster that hides itself, which is ALREADY WHAT OYSTERS DO the pun is so appropriate is what makes it great.

It's not like being all "Lava + Horse = Lavorse" which is taking two things that are unrelated and making them one thing, but Cloyster has a totally rocking pun that fits perfectly.

As for the pokemon himself, Cloyster has more then enough defense to last all through winter, and is my favorite ice/water type by far.

Overall: 8/10

No. 090: Shellder

don't stick your tongue out at me!

It's rude, is all.

Shellder isn't really anything special. Besides being a cheeky bastard, he doesn't really do much else.

I always wondered if he's related to the Ghastly/Haunter/Gengar trio, though... because he has a long tongue, big white eyes, and a hidden black mass of a face. Although, considering the tongue, maybe he's a Lickitung relative.

Overall: 5/10

No. 089: Muk

God bless us everybody

Maybe it's the Christmas spirit, but I'm feeling charitable today. So while I was probably going to go easy on whoever ended up on the block, it turns out that to my delight I get to talk about Muk.

I love Muk.

Because Muk is all about love.

If Grimer wants to fondle, Muk wants to hug, to love, to hold and cherish. Also, remember how I only like Bellsprout because of this one badass one in the anime? well, guess what pokemon beat that Bellsprout.

That's right, Muk.

The only thing is that Muk is stinky, and poison types are kinda useless. But besides that, Muk is a big pile of lovin', who keeps Christmastime in his (stinky) heart always.

Overall: 9/10

No. 088: Grimer

And now just look at this pile of crap.

wait, I don't mean that in a bad way! Grimer is a living pile of sludge, and he is ready for some fondling. Just look at those arms. Grimer loves nothing better than to work up a good stank and then just fondle the shit out of something. I honestly don't know where I'm going with this.

but basically Grimer is a well-executed idea. He also reminds me of Ivan Ooze's slime, from the power rangers movie. huh.

Overall: 6/10

No. 087: Dewgong

So apparently a dugong is a thing.

Which means that the geniuses at gamefreak just took another animal name and just wrote it differently.

But because I didn't even know that dugongs were a thing until just now, I'm going to be more lenient. Also, water/ice is a nice type, even if there are too many of them.

But Dewgong actually has a pun in its name, becaused dew is water, right? okay, it's not much, but it's better than frigging Seel.

Basically, Dewgong isn't very inspired, but it is at least half-way decent.

also dat face is adorable.

Overall: 5/10

No. 086: Seel

"Hey, what do we call this seal pokemon?"

"Haha, yeah, Seel, that's great!"



Dear lord.



If you have a pokemon that looks almost exactly like a seal, you probably shouldn't call attention to it by naming it the samne damn name as what is is. At least come up with a clever name, or something.

How about Seelio? That's a fine name. Or something like Slushle, or Smoothie? Seel reminds me of soft-serve ice cream and stuff, I guess.

But Seel was all they could come up with?

Frigging pathetic.

Overall: 1/10

No. 085: Dodrio

Yeah, three heads is not noticeably better than two.

I feel like I'm up to my neck in flying fiends, fluttering all over the place and shitting on everything and pecking my head and stuff.

And I'm tired of it.

Dodrio gets a 3 because that's ironic and shit.

Or maybe it's poetic, I don't know. I don't care.

Overall: 3/10

No. 084: Doduo

awwwwwww, shit...

Another normal/flying type. Farfetch'd bamboozled me last time, and I forgot to whine about it being another normal/flying type as well.

I guess I'll give that rant right now.

For every possible pokemon type pairing, there should be a pokemon to represent it. After that, there should be some diversity about the pokemon that occupy the typing. One that excells in physical attack, one that excells in special attack, one that is all about the defense, one that is about speed, etc.

But Normal/Flying is filled with a crap-ton of similar pokemon with similar stats. None of them are amazing. They all are about speed and then maybe physical attack. All of them. With paper-thin defenses. It is the same damn pokemon, over and over again. the Pidgey line, the Spearow line, Farfetch'd, and now Doduo rears both his ulgy heads. These feathery assholes are everywhere, squaking and flapping around and making a mess of things.

So look, Doduo, if I pretend Fearow doesn't exist, and that Pidgeot never happened, you'd still look kinda dopey. But as it is, I can't bring myself to give you even a single inch of slack.

Overall: 1/10

No. 083: Farfetch'd

I'm not sure I even understand Farfetch'd.

He's a duck or a bird or something, and he carries around a leek. And... that's it.





Some pokemon are badass, some are cute, some are well-thought-out, some are stupid, some are bullshit, and then there are some that just confuse me.

Farfetch'd is such a one.

I seriously have no freaking idea what to think about him. I don't even understand why they named him "Far-fetched". Is the idea of a bird holding a leek so far-fetched? More than a turtle with water cannons or a mouse that shoots electricity from its cheeks? Why the pun? Why the leek? Why a duck? Why anything?

Some pokemon have me asking "what the hell", but Farfetch'd makes me ask "why? Why?"

and it doesn't even evolve, offering no further clues as to what on earth he means.



If anyone needs me, I'll be drinking myself into an eggnog stupor.

Overall: why /10

No. 570: Zorua

It was you, ya little snot.

Illusion is an interesting ability. However, it would be better if Zorua was a different type with more defensive options. As it is, about the best you can hope to do is to masquerade as a Fighting/Poison or something, get them to swap in a Psychic, and then hit them with your STAB Dark-type moves. Which is pretty neat, but Dark as a type can only super-effective two types, and resists itself.

Something with more resistances and strengths, like a Grass type posing as a Fire type, would be more useful. Then you'd trick Water, Ground, and Rock Pokemon all at once. When I fought N in the game and he used one, though, it appeared as something or other and I just decided to use Brick Break on it anyway. but it was Happy Birthday to me, it was a Zoroark in disguise! ha ha, take that, N.

anyway, every time I see Zorua, I think its hair tuft is like a paintbrush, with red paint. But Zorua doesn't have anything to do with painting, so I don't know why it's there. I like the eyebrows, though. And the cocky attitude. It's a cool little guy, and I can't really complain about much.


Overall: 7/10


NOTE: This was really written on Dec 17, 2012. Please ignore this little fox until you are redirected to it though the trick entry on that date.

No. 082: Magneton

This hunk of junk, on the other hand...

Okay, this is bullshit. Just like I called bullshit on Dugtrio, I call bullshit on Magneton. Sticking three of the same pokemon together does not another new pokemon make. I mean, seriously, what the hell. This is stupid.

Magneton might have some good stats, but the design is just...

Lazy piece of crap.

Overall: 2/10

No. 081: Magnemite

One could say that Magnemite is... Attractive.

If you wanted to make a bad pun, that is.

But it is certainly the truth. Magnemite is some pretty cool times. he looks unique and is actually a pokemon worth having. He gets to be an electric-type but fears not the ground type; he levitates instead.

I notice that I've been calling Magnemite a "he", but it has no gender in the games. Yet it can still breed with Ditto. How that even works is something I'll talk about when we get to the ol' sex jelly himself, but back to Magnemite.

I think this is an excellent execution of the concept "living magnet" that isn't just a big damn magnet with wings and eyes flying all over the place.

Overall: 9/10

No. 080: Slowbro

Slowbro and Geodude definitely hang out together.

So, a Shellder bites Slowpoke on his ass, and they evolve into Slowbro?

Dude, that doesn't even LOOK like a Shellder. Or a Cloyster, for that matter. I think it's all just a big hoax.

Aside from that, Slowbro is okay. He still looks dopey as hell, and that shit-eating grin is pissing me off, but he actually has fairly good stats, and with a name like Slowbro, I can't stay mad at him for long.

Overall: 5/10

No. 079: Slowpoke

slowpoke is slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow

Ok, meme be damned, Slowpoke is kinda stupid. I mean, being slow is its gimmick? How lame is that.

Slowpoke is up there with Psyduck in terms of literal mental retardation in pokemon. That isn't even supposed to be a joke, it is a legitimate statement, and I'm not sure what I think about it. Is Gamefreak telling us that being retarded is funny, and should be laughed at? Or that it is just another quirk that makes us all unique?

Well, I frankly don't even want to think about Slowpoke more than I have to, so I'm going to move along real quick-like and not slow at all.

Overall: 2/10

No. 078: Rapidash

Rapidash always reminds me of Titania from Fire Emblem.

So, Rapidash is a flaming unicorn draft horse. That runs as fast as everything or something.

Holy crap, can a pokemon get any better? It is like Super Robot Unicorn Attack in pokemon form is something. I don't really think I need to describe how awesome Rapidash is. Let me just quote some flavor text:

"It runs at 150 miles per hour, on fire, chasing everything that moves in hopes of racing it. With incredible acceleration, it reaches its top speed in only ten steps. At full gallop, its four hooves barely touch the ground."

Holy Flaming Shit.

Overall: 10/10

No. 076: Ponyta

Imagine My Little Pony, but on flaming crack.

I am going to go out on a limb and say that Ponyta is popular with the girls. I mean, it is an adorable pony, after all.

But Ponyta also has a kickass firey mane, which is something that I think both genders can appreciate.

But for me, Ponyta is great and all, but a little too cute to really be amazing.

Overall: 8/10

No. 075: Golem

Evolution be damned.

Okay, this one just doesn't make any sense. Geodude is made out of rocks, he has two arms. Graveler is made out of rocks, he has 4 arms and little legs. Golem is a dinosaur encased in a turtle-shell-rock-egg. what the hell.

This doesn't make any sense at all, not even a little. I seriously have NO IDEA how they thought this would make anyone happy, or what they were trying to do.

A better idea would have been a larger rock guy with 6 fully-fledged limbs, walking like a spider or something. Call him Grantite. So much better.

...But I can't give Golem a completely failing grade, because while he comes out of nowhere like a bastard child, he looks okay on his own.

Overall: 3/10

No. 074: Graveler

Stone Cold Commandos... Rock Rock On!!

I like Graveler more than Geodude, even though they both have stupid names. Not much more, but he looks burly and stuff.

Mostly, I appreciate how Graveler is a very obvious step-up from Geodude, he looks like the only possible pokemon that could evolve from Geodude, and that he could have come from naught else. I do so hope that this trend continues with the final evolution as well...!

Overall: 5/10

No. 073: Geodude

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude

I just can't take Geodude seriously. I mean, Geodude? Seriously? That's the best they could come up with? Was Rockguy taken?

one other thing that bothers me: why can Geodude, and many other pokemon, just kinda levitate? what the hell. If they are psychic or have wings, I accept flying around. but why should Geodude be able to float. If he can, then why can't he learn fly? what's up with that?

Overall: 4/10

No. 072: Tentacruel

Bigger, better, badder.

Tentacruel is a much better thing to have around than Tentacool. He actually looks like a boss, and isn't clogging up the world's oceans.

he basically just looks dangerous. Which is something that not many pokemon do, so props to him on that regard.

Not much to say, really, just that it's a good thing that Tentacool evolves into something not sucky.

Oh, and also I do like the red jewel head thing Tentacruel has going on.

Overall: 6/10

No. 071: Tentacool

Jewel of the sea my ass...

Recently, fishermen all over the world have reported catching a much higher number of jellyfish. they don't want to catch the jellies, they just kind of show up. jellyfish are growing in unprecedented numbers, and taking over waters that they usually don't inhabit, killing the native fish. this is putting a crunch on the fishing indestry, the beaches, and basically anyone who doesn't want a bunch of frigging jellyfish all over the damn place.

I guess that the pokemon world is having a similar problem.

you can't surf 5 feet without running into a level 15 Tentacool. never mind that you're on the waters outside cinnabar island, and that your team is in the 50's. you will meet some damn jellyfish.

Also, Tentacool isn't based off the gently floating jellyfish, either. that's a frigging Box Jelly, which can swim 25 mph upstream, has tiny eyes, some of the deadliest poison in the world, and actively hunts its prey. which is honestly pretty cool but also freaky as hell. gives me the creeps.

Overall: 1/10

No. 070: Victreebel

The sweet ring of victory.

Remember in the anime when James would always get eaten by his Victreebel?

yeah, that was funny the first time, but every goddamned time he calls it out? why even bother?

Victrebell has the same type problems as weepinbell, but at least it's right side up, so it can at least feed properly.

I don't have any real beef with Victreebel, it works fine for a pitcher plant pokemon, but there are much better grass types.

Overall: 5/10

No. 070: Weepinbell

what the hell.

what sort of evolution loses legs. that - that's the opposite of evolution.

Also, I never got why Weepinbell is grass/poison. a poison subtype was spread around like crazy in the first gen, and it never really helped. grass/water makes much more sense, since it IS a pitcher plant or something.

except wait, it's upside down. what the hell, how is that even going to work.

what the hell, Weepinbell. seriously.

Overall: 3/10

No. 069: Bellsprout

as sexy as the number suggests

Remember that one anime episode, in the Indigo League, where a bellsprout wiped the floor with Bulbasaur, and then Pikachu? That was great, and made me love Bellsprout so hard.

Which says a lot, because in-game Bellsprout is a joke, and his evolutions are dumb. But we'll get to them tomorrow.

Suffice to say, Bellsprout looks cool doing drunken boxing, weaving all around and whipping people with its feet, and stuff. But I don't think it's enough to give it a full score, because I seem to be handing those out like the ice cream man hands out push-pops on a hot summer day.

Overall: 8/10

No. 068: Machamp

man oh man Machamp is the man

I freaking love every inch of Machamp's amazing body. And with four arms, there's that much more to love.

From his awesome head crests, to his already-meanioned 4 arms, to his fashionable speedo, to his overall ripped bod, Machamp is a Man's Pokemon.

He is so badass I don't even think I can stand it.

take a look at his original art:

See? Machamp is the champion of all fighting pokemon.

Overall: 10/10

No. 067: Machoke

I machoke you out

I like Machoke, too. He's ripped as hell, and apparently has scars or something on his arm. Also, he is rocking that speedo like none other.

ALSO, notice that he has a prize-fighter champion belt on. That's right, each and every Machoke is a champion prize-fighter. So badass.

Machoke is great, but honestly his scars or whatever make him seem out of place with his evolutions.

Overall: 9/10