No. 613: Cubchoo

Longtime readers will remember that I have a shiny Cubchoo, which I found literally a day after going on a huge rant about shinies, their awful color choices, their rarity, etc.


So I'm hoping that if I bitch enough again, Gamefreak will remotely give me another shiny, which I'm confident they can do, thanks to that mysterious variable known as "the internet".

But first, let's talk about Cubchoo. A tiny bear, which we've had before with Teddiursa, but this one is a polar bear. Also, it has a frozen bit of snot hanging from its nose, which is surprisingly adorable. You'd think it would be disgusting, but it's endearing. You just wanna wipe it for the little fella.

so Cubchoo is alright, but I still think most of the shinies aren't worth all the trouble you have to go through to get them. Either make them more common, or make them non-shitty, or both. Also if you're listening Gamefreak, I'd like a shiny Litwick, please.


Overall: 6/10

No. 612: Haxorus

remember when people were talking about their l33t h4x0r skills? remember when YOU were typing like that? don't you cringe and want to shrivel up and die when you think about it?

While I could complain about the loss of the green in the color scheme, it's replaced by freaking golden plate armor, which is majestic as hell. Generic dragons are red or green, tryhard ones are black, albino ones that get picked on by all the other dragons in dragon elementary school are white, but only the truly Big Boss dragons are gold.

on a slightly related note, Haxorus has a giant axe coming out of both sides of his head, which is tonnes more badass than a boomerang or whatever weak shit Fraxure and Axew were sporting.

finally, 147 base attack. You know who that's better than? most things, that's what. Haxorus kicks ass, and some times remembers to take names, when he isn't too busy cutting down mountains with his head.


Overall: 10/10

No. 611: Fraxure

not to be confused with the actually quite useful interactive prototyping tool, Axure.


Fraxure's tusk things just look ridiculous, I'm gonna have to say it. They don't even make any sense, jutting out from the top of the side of his beak-mouth like that.

Other than that, he's a cool looking dude. Armored upper half, nice looking claws below. Red spots are random, but go a long way towards not making him look like he's wearing pants. the colors are subdued, and work well.

see, if he didn't even have those awkward wings on his mouth, I'd really like him. as it is, it's a little distracting, preventing him from being truly badass.

Overall: 5/10

No. 610: Axew

gesundheit.


Looks to me like it's holding a boomerang or very flat baguette in its mouth, but I know it's supposed to be teeth. Or tusks. Or something.

Look, last time we had a Dragon-type evolution, it started out great, but then got insane very quickly. Axew seems pretty tame though, he's basically a little generic dinosaur with a Kinnikuman crest and a bandanna. and the aforementioned tusk-deal. okay, that actually sounds kinda insane already, but the design is pretty restrained.


Overall: 5/10

No. 609: Chandelure

let's shed some light on the situation, shall we?


If I had to pick the three standout stars of Gen 5, it would easily be Cofagrigus, Galvantula, and Chandelure. These three not only demonstrate cool typings/gameplay niches, but they're also fantastic designs that while you wouldn't mistake them for Gen 1, are prime examples of the best in modern Pokemon design.

We've been over how fantastic and spoooooky the color scheme is, but I love how it's now slightly reminiscent of Cinderella's carriage. See how the bulb looks almost like a pumpkin, and the arms curl like vines? brilliant. the way it sways is great, too.

Chandelure is an amazing guy, is what I'm trying to say. 145 base Sp. Attack is completely insane, almost illegal. Flamethrower, Shadow Ball, it's over. but seriously, this killing machine has the highest Special Attack out of all non-legendary Pokemon. And even so, it ties for 5th with Thundurus in terms of all-time highs. If Machoke have nightmares, this is what they see.


Overall: 10/10

No. 608: Lampent

Repent!! Repent!! The WOOOORLD is coming to an end!!


Lampent reminds me of that one hopping lamp in Spirited Away. kinda. sorta.

I really dig the color scheme, though. black/white/ghostblue is spooky and wonderful. I don't think Lampent has quite the same charm as Litwick, however, because it's lacking the mouse/nose, and the bashful wax covering one eye. It doesn't look bad or anything, it's just a little bit less whimsical. Or rather, it's whimsical in a different direction, like a silent doorman that guides you one your way to the mystical fog city of Stucklebuck.

uh, Lampent is really cool, and I like it a lot. There's not a whole bunch to say here, other than that I think it should have a hanger at the top, because it's obviously a hanging lantern.


Overall: 8/10

No. 607: Litwick

I swear there was a Charles Dickens character called Litwick or something


The 5th Gen was good for Ghosts, and Litwick is no exception. It's also good for Fire-types, because up until now, there weren't any 3-stage Fire evolution except for starters, and Magmar. which is actually kinda insane, when I think about it. Fire is such a popular and "core" type, yet there aren't that many of them, and if you want the fun and glory of a 3-stage Fire buddy, you'd better pick it as your starter or be in a game with Magby.

anyways, we came here today to talk about Litwick. Who is essentially just a little stump of a candle, but a damn good one. He fills two much-needed niches, and is super cute. also you know he's a Ghost-type because his flame is blue-purple, which is a prime color for ghost flames, the other being blue-green.

But the thing I'm wondering is, is that little U shape a mouth in a smile, or a cartoon bulbous nose? in his 3D model, it does protrude out. But it also has the line drawn. Perhaps he's got a big upper lip? please tell me your opinions in the comments, truly this is a mystery that needs to be solved.


Overall: 9/10

No. 606: Beheeyem

apparently these guys are actually named after pronouncing archaic acronyms for aliens and stuff. except that the only people who even know said acronyms are TOTAL NERDS so I don't care

Again, with the Xmas hands. I actually really like fingers as little nodes in that configuration, but I don't understand why they need to be lit up three different colors.

Beheeyem looks less like an alien, and more like a dapper gentleman. that coat is pretty snappy, and his head is reminiscent of a top hat, if you're feeling generous. actually, with those goggle-things, he's looking pretty steampunk. that's badass.

yeah, yeah, I can see it now - Beheeyem isn't an alien at all, he's an alt-history Victorian cosmonaut, come from another place and time to share with us the steam-powered, indistinguishable from magic, technology of flashing lights. which is pretty neat, but not really any sort of Pokemon.


Overall: 5/10

No. 605: Elgyem

so you just got out of the world's best cave, and kicked the (surprisingly toned) ass of the local gym leader, now it's time to explore that mysterious tower thing.


which is apparently haunted by aliens, or something. With Christmas lights for hands.

No, it's not making any sense to me, either. Nor is the name. Just try even saying it - Elgyem. Your mouth gets all contorted and shit, twisting around like a Mario Kart track. Not even once, Eglyem. not even once.

He's one of those weird cases where the design looks unlike anything earthly at all, but it's supposed to be strange and bizarre. Hell, Elgyem would make a decent stand (probably an Act 1 version). But if they were trying to create an "alien" Pokemon, then why'd they use basically NOTHING of accepted generic-alien stereotypes? He's got a big head, but he isn't green, and his eyes aren't black, nor nearly large enough. He's got a tail, and again a freaking nativity scene shining from each hand. He's not even like Japan's idea of aliens, which is pretty much just squids, but with more tentacles. Like the invaders from Metal Slug.

It doesn't help that Elgyem is of the same mold as every other Psychic-type in this game - slow, with high Sp. Attack. Except without any sort of good defensive ability. Go back to space, dipshit. We don't want your kind here.


Overall: 2/10

No. 604: Eelektross

these puns are keeling me

okay, now I'm gonna call some bullshit. When Eelektros drop down onto the battle stage, there is a visible impact and audible thump. And yet, he "levitates"? no. no goddamn way, Pokemon Black and/or White. I will not stand for this.

If the Pokemon has the ability to float, then I'd sure as hell better see him floating. Koffing floats. Magnemite floats. Eelektross just balances on these ridiculous tiny fin-legs. It pisses me off.

other than that, I guess he's okay. Face looks even more fearsome, the arms are cool. It would be insane if they had lamprey-mouths on them, too. But then that might take away from Hydreigon's gimmick. actually, now that I really look, he's kinda imbalanced. He ought to pitch face-forward at any second. Maybe the stupid fin thing is acting as a counter-weight?

Eelektros is just a little too floppy all over the place to be really good, and I'm still mad about him levitating while maintaining contact with the ground.


Overall: 5/10

No. 603: Eelektrik

I don't know how many of you are able to spot the pun in this name, but if you still haven't gotten it then please try harder.


Now, this guy is even more obviously a lamprey. Which makes him inherently terrifying, lampreys are pretty much one of the most messed-up things to ever happen. Actually a lot of swimming things are like that, possibly because Noah picked and chose which animals to take with him, but the things that swam in the deep just got to keep on trucking. In fact, they're probably jealous of us surface-dwellers now, because for an age the world was flooded and they had the place to themselves.

And lampreys are one such beast. Imagine a flaccid and slippery noodle, except on on end it has fins and on the other it has a mouth like that mechanical shark from James & the Giant Peach. An awful, meat-grinder of a mouth, designed to latch onto things and never let go. Then it bores a hole in the skin, tears through the flesh, and starts sucking the lifeblood out of you. There's also nothing they can do about it, once a lamprey gets on to you, nothing can help you anymore. It will consume you from the inside out, and when your blood and tissues are dry, it will consume your soul.

To be fair, I kind of made the last part of that up. But lampreys are serious business, and the prospect of one of those, except with lightning powers, and no weaknesses  makes me want to never swim anywhere ever again. but these guys can levitate, so I guess we're all screwed.


Overall: 7/10

No. 602: Tynamo

yes you find this on the floor of a cave don't ask questions


I can see what they were doing here. They wanted to make another no-weakness Pokemon, aside from Ghost/Dark, so they took a type with a sole weakness, and gave it an ability that negates that weakness. But I think it's a little strange, since Tynamo and its ilk are obviously lamprey-eel things, and ought to be Water/Electric.

But that's an entirely different Pokemon right there. It would have Water STAB, and require some sort of new bullshit ability to negate THREE weaknesses. So maybe it's for the best that they just ignored the fishy part of it, when deciding type.

Also, you notice how every single swimming Pokemon has Levitate? I mean, you throw out a Goldeen, and the thing just hovers there. Shouldn't you only be able to use those kinds of Pokemon in the water, or at least have to throw out a pool of water or something? GAME IN WHICH YOU CAPTURE MONSTERS IN TINY BALLS AND THEN MAKE THEM SHOOT LIGHTNING AND FIRE AT EACH OTHER, I BEGIND TO DOUBT YOUR VERISIMILITUDE.

Tynamo's design doesn't really do anything for me, but I like how the electricity pulses along its side. That's neat-o.


Overall: 5/10

No. 601: Klinklang

the name is only slightly more original than the Japanese one, which started with "gear" and has just been adding extra "gi-"s to the front. So this ugly ass puke is called Gigigear.


but no, just freaking NO. all that has happened, is you equipped a flotation ring and another gear or something. this is lazy as balls. No perspective change, nothing. Just more art added on, like a photoshop layered un-hidden. Or shown. whatever.

but my point is, Klinklang is a piece of iron shit. and I hate it. a Pokemon based off gears and clockwork has a lot of potential, but all Gamefreak could muster is "uh duhr just put more gears on the gears yeah hur hurh"


Overall: 1/10

No. 600: Klang

in 100% honesty I thought this one's name was Klank, searched for it to get the image, got other shit, and then gave up. like 3 days in a row.


turns out it's name is Klang, which is only one letter off so whatever.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but it looks to me like they just kept that same gear, changed the face on the lower one, and added a big one behind it. that's kinda freaking lazy. I mean, sure, Dugtrio and Magnemite did the same thing, but as I recall I didn't think it was cool then, either.

I guess it isn't just the same gear but copied more times, so it isn't as bad. But at least with the others, the sprites/artwork was different. things were at a different angle, not the same pose. But Klang... I just don't know sometimes. Sometimes I really don't know.


Overall: 4/10

No. 599: Klink

You know what really grinds my gears? when people make stupid, easily-predictable jokes.

Klink is cool, though. Pure Steel-type, which you surprisingly don't see that often. Little faces like the Alphabugs, looking pop-up-book as hell. and they, too, have a neat animation, actually rotating around and such. having a unique attack doesn't hurt, either.

I also want to give props to Unova for having an entire cave area designed around "mechanical/electric Pokemon". It's like what you'd find in the Mawville Power Plant, or the one in Kanto, but it comes at a time early enough in the game that you haven't already found all those assholes in other locations. Steel-types being involved is a bonus. But really, the coolest thing is that they created a cave that DOESN'T involve Zubats (or Woobats) and Geodude (or Roggenrolas) getting underfoot all day long.


Overall: 7/10

No. 598: Ferrothorn

if you flipped it upside down it would look like a heavy-tank version of the striders from War of the Worlds


but as it is, I'm a little confused. It supposedly clings to cave ceilings, which is all well and good, but there are no cave ceilings to be seen in the battle scene. Or even any ceilings at all. Hell, you never see any undersides of roofs in the entire Pokemon series! I guess it's just as nonsensical as Water-types just kinda floating as if they were in the water, but at least I can see visual proof that water does, in fact, exist in the Pokemon world. Ceilings? not so sure.

Hanging around like that also takes away Ferrothorn's cool spinning animation, which makes me sad. I just wish they didn't even bother with these tentacles, they make no sense and only make things worse. But then it would just be a larger, squished Ferroseed. Maybe add some more plate armor to it? then it'd look like Forretress.

maybe there is no answer. Ferrothorn is awkward and alien no matter what you try to do with it.


Overall: 4/10

No. 597: Ferroseed

they don't really have Kinder Surprise eggs in America. apparently some dumbass kid ate an entire egg a while ago, choked to death on the Surprise. So you don't see them around much.


but why would anyone ever eat a Ferrothorn, shit practically screams "DON'T EAT ME YOU MORON! I'VE GOT MORE SPIKES THAN THE ENTIRE BAND OF K.I.S.S! I'LL PUNCTURE YOUR ESOPHAGUS!"

love his sprite, though. How it spins around and such. Most sprite animations just kinda wiggle and jiggle, but they actually made Ferroseed do something cool. Grass/Steel is also a ballin' type combo. It's just a pity he doesn't learn Leech Seed by level-up, because then his awesome defense would actually be good for something. also, why the heck can't it learn Rapid Spin. that's messed up.

Design-wise, it could use a few less spots. otherwise, it's very reminiscent of ferrofluids, which are so amazing I'm going to quit writing this right now and spend the rest of my day watching youtube videos about them.


Overall: 8/10