No. 645: Landorus

wait, that the crap are you doing over here!?


Shouldn't you be back with your brothers in No. 643 or so? Why are you way the frig over here? I mean, I guess it's because you have to catch both the one with the obvious typing and the one with the completely unique typing to unlock the one with the crazy-go-nuts typing (I'm still mad about how the types got distributed), but still. I think kids can handle a few blank spots in their Pokedex that'll get filled in later.

But while we're at it, Landorus? really? that was the best you could come up with? And it doesn't even make sense. You have a wind god, a thunder god, and a... land god. why? if he's the one who makes the crops grow, then he's a god of rain, isn't he? Water/Flying? but nooooo, that's too simple. We had to make our palette-swap genies all strange in their own ways, because also we ran out of ideas for what to actually do with them 5 minutes before we first invented them.

I don't know what that tail is supposed to be, orange is an ugly color, and his hair appears to be a mallet. WHY


Incarnate Form: 1/10


meanwhile, the beast mode is actually pretty cool. cloudy-foot the tiger? I love it. I especially dig his facial expression, haha, that's a whole load of attitude right there. The tail looks better as an actual, well, tail, and of course the coloring is better on a tiger. The hammer-hair could still use work, though.

Therian Form: 7/10

I know this ought to average out to a 4/10, but I just hate that Incarnate Form so much I'm lowering the score. That's the one you can actually get in the game, anyway.


Overall: 3/10

No. 644: Zekrom

now, here's a Legendary.


just look at that stance. Look at that boss stance right there. the Black Tyrant appears, ready to destroy the greater metropolitan area. It would take Godzilla to stop him.

The big abdomen-tail-thing is still kinda clunky, I'll admit. I guess they were thinking it's like a giant turbine engine or something? except usually those are in cooler places, like shoulders or gauntlets? maybe there's no room for it in Zekrom's design, but maybe Zekrom doesn't need an awkward turbine glued to his ass.

Now, I'm not saying Zekrom is better just because he's black and black is a badass color, but Zekrom certainly makes black look badass. I love how he's actually two-tone, but it isn't obvious at first. It's like the different between matte and gloss finishes. looks neat-o.

But in the end, it's just the fact that a dragon is cooler than a chicken. best legendary isn't even a contest.


Overall: 9/10

No. 643: Reshiram

we now take a break from genies, and move onto our main legendaries.


Okay, screw this guy. It's like they conspired to create the least aerodynamic bird-thing possible. The wings don't make any sense with how the hands are coming out, the legs are too far apart, there's a big-ass weight on its butt, and it has a feather-dick-tuft. I don't like a single thing about it, this awkward chicken-looking bitch.

I don't know what Gamefreak was thinking, this is absolutely awful. Got its arms out like it's about to play airplane, because I seriously doubt it can fly under its own power.

so yeah, I may have bought Black version, but that was because I wanted the city, not because I wanted freakin' Reshiram on my team.


Overall: 1/10

No. 632: Thundurus

I think this might have been the longest unintentional break ever. shit, I need to get my head in the game.

You know Eneru from One Piece? that's this guy. Except as a djinn that rides in a cloud. It actually sounds a little badass, but then you realize that it's the exact same goddamn thing as Tornadus, but with a different "tail" and blue skin.

seriously, this was one lazy piece of shit they took when they crapped this guy out. Or perhaps Tornadus is the ripoff? either way, this shouldn't have been allowed.

Incarnate Form: 2/10

  
now, on to his beast mode. Again, significantly better. those hands I especially like, cloud-claw-fist things. The belly button piercing is a little odd, but it doesn't stick out as much as on Tornadus. The only thing is that those legs seems on the small side to me, but I guess that's why the bitch flies everywhere. I know if I could fly I'd neglect my legs, too.

Therian Form: 7/10


Overall: 4/10

No. 641: Tornadus

sorry for the spotty performance this month. All I can say is that I am currently under Circumstances, please understand.


But forget all that, because right now the doctor delivered his daily dose, and it has taken the form of one of those frog gods from Wind Waker. Except a buff genie with a tail. And green/purple. And forget the "frog" part.

anyway, Tornadus marks the landmark first time there has ever been a pure Flying-type Pokemon, and I have to say I'm not only surprised it's taken so long, but kinda pissed. The dude is part of a trio, all of whom are Flying/Something, except for him. And he's not even the "leader" or anything. It's like if your choice of starters were Grass/Dark, Fire/Dark, and Dark. You'd be all "where's the water bro"

and as for the design itself, I think you can probably guess what I'm going to say: lookin' hella Digimon. Or more accurately, like a Dragon Quest enemy. I think it's the tail thing that's really throwing me, without that it would just be a buff troll in a cloud, but that tail is too prominent to ignore.

Incarnate Form: 2/10


but that's not all, this bugger has a New Alternate Forme™!

Okay, this is honestly better. Well, except for that orange belly-button piercing, that's just unforgivable. Also waitaminute, is that cleavage? no? just muscles? okay, but...

the tail is being put to better use here, and the wings are kinda cool. Looks more like a Pokemon, at least. I like it a lot more, but it still isn't that great. And the method to even get this form requires buying some 3D let's-pretend-we-aren't-pokemon-snap app, screw that noise.

Therian Form: 4/10


Overall: 3/10

No. 640: Virizion

look at those go-go boots go!


This trio is also supposedly called the Three Musketeers. I guess Cobalion is supposed to be Athos, Terrakion is Porthos, and Virizion is Aramis. And the other one that shows up later is D'Artangan. I guess this is okay, because they ARE officially called the Swords of Justice, and there ARE three of them with a fourth afterthought, and the primary three are Noble, Strong, and Stylish.

now, onto Virizion himself. The books I think are actually working here. The black stripe should probably be red, but whatever, it's no big deal. I am realizing that Virizion looks a helluva lot like Shaymin, though. same color scheme, vaguely-plant-like growths... maybe it's the secret third form!?!

naahh, it's just a fancy-ass deer thing.


Overall: 6/10

No. 639: Terrakion

dude is one tightly wound ball of angry

one thing about this trio, is that they are some unusual typings. Rock/Fighting hasn't even been done before. But I have to say, Terrakion doesn't look very legendary. He doesn't have the authority of Cobalion, or the elegance of Virion. He's just a big-ass bull, who wants to wreck someone's day.

The "boots" look better here, but the orange shoulder-things are kinda pointless. and again, his horns are passable, but not nearly as imposing as they ought to be. I mean, Bouffalant has a more interesting design than he does. Terrakion is just intensely forgettable, is what I'm saying.


Overall: 4/10

No. 638: Cobalion

the Pokemon Rumble games are hella fun, and this dude was like the boss of the 3DS one

so, we had legendary birds, "dogs", golems, water-shits, and now deer. I've heard some people get pissy, going "freaking deer? wow guys just wow" but I think those people should shut their filthy mouths, because there's nothing inherently wrong with legendary deer. you ever seen Princess Mononoke!? And their typings aren't even old hat, either.

Cobalion is their leader or something, which is fitting, because he looks the coolest. Noble and majestic as heck, with a cool old-man beard sprouting from his chest. I don't really like his booties, but other than that he's pretty badass. Also he isn't a Suicune ripoff on account of how their only similarity is being blue and having four legs. dude is a Fighting/Steel type, not Water at all.


Overall: 7/10

No. 637: Volcarona

with this, we end the pseudo-legendarys. next time the (mercifully small) amount of Unova legendaries begin.


I feel like there's been a lot of Godzilla references in this generation. Hydreigon was King Ghidora, Excadrill is Moguera, and now Volcarona is clearly Mothra. which in one way means it's the weakest bitch out of all the monsters, but on the other hand sometimes Mothra is okay.

so like Mothra, Volcarona looks somewhat elegant and female, yet also powerful and serene. You meet it in some ancient temple ruins, implying that it was once worshiped, kinda like Mothra always seems to have these little creepy twins who are sometimes tiny and sometimes regular size.

I think you could say Volcarona is a little busy, what with all the dots and spots, but while she's wearing quite a few colors, they all complement each other. red/orange goes well with blue/lightblue.


Overall: 7/10

No. 636: Larvesta

look at you, lookin' all coy and cute as a bug


Bug/Fire? really? is this real life, is this really happening? Though, Fireflies are a thing, so it shouldn't be so surprising.

Anyway, Larvesta looks kinda interesting, and definitely unique from any other grub/caterpillar/larva Pokemon they have. The fur really helps, as do the radiating spikes, looking like sun rays and shizz.

also if you hatch that baby Larvesta you are going to be stuck with that sucker for a long-ass time, let me tell you what ha ha.


Overall: 5/10

No. 635: Hydreigon

King Ghidorah freaking rules, I don't think this is up for debate.

And at last, we come to the reason for the entire line. Someone just wanted a hydra-dragon thing. Which looks pretty badassed and creepy, I gotta admit. But as we all know, it isn't a true triple-headed threat - those smaller heads are more like hands, you can see the elbows and everything. Which again ties into the subliminal puppet theme I've been detecting.

Now, there's part of me that wants to decry Hydreigon for being edgy-emo-crawling-in-my-skin-2kool4skool-bullshit, but the other part of me is saying "goddamn, one of its heads was overwhelmed by the other, what must it be like to have your entire consciousness absorbed into another's, this is 100% messed up", and the other part of me is all "hot damn its a dragon that is also Dark-type and has three heads, this is amazing".


Overall: 7/10

No. 9001: Krysteel

Man, Gen 67 legendaries kinda blow, huh.

Aside from the hideously awful pun of a name, Krysteel is a walking, talking, pile of diamond-coated shit. It balks in the face of reason, and pisses all over the dinner of good design sense. There isn't a single redeemable line on this ass, and believe me, there are a ton of lines.

like the nine million tiny screws, for example. Just freaking bolting the metal onto the crystal, I guess. And then you have the stunted tail, and the pitiful excuse for legs. Are those feet? stumps? diseased elephant kneecaps? I have no clue.

It's the random patches of brown that get me. Which sometimes have even more crystals growing out of them, because the creator of this masterpiece took one look at Warhammer 40k and thought "Those space marines aren't wearing nearly enough necessary details", and then continued to just frigging draw and draw and draw until her hand hurt.

At last we come to the head (we're bypassing the arms, they're shitty btw) and find out that at no point did anyone involved with this have any sort of clue whatsoever what they were doing. Is there a jaw? maybe. Why is there gold rims on the yes? who knows. Should those spikes make an attempt to point in the same direction? probably, but they sure as hell don't! It's times like these that make me really wonder where it all went wrong. My money's on Gen 53, nothing's been right since.

but yeah, Krysteel is just such an abomination, I'm feeling viscerally ill right now. and I don't even have to say how overused Steel/Ice is, do I?


Overall: 1/10