Mega Evolution No. 10: Aerodactyl

fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

ffffffucking really? oh yeah just take Aerodactyl and cover him with spikes and shit all over yeah that'll look good

What? no, no one will mind, goddamn nobody likes Aerodactyl anyway 

yes I'm sure this is worth our time

seriously what was going on here. Did they just crap this one out at the last second? Why Aerodactyl? I suppose he's in the "needed a boost to get better" tier, but there wasn't really anyone clamoring for him to get better, was there?

I'm sorry to offend all the Aerodactyl fans in the house, except I'm not, because he kinda sucks anyway and you should all find better Pokemon to like. morons.


Overall: 1/10

Mega Evolution No. 9: Gyarados

From the first pictures it looks like Gyarados condensed himself up like Team Rocket's submarine, but it turns out that's not the case

He's just been lifting, is all. I mean, hell, look how swole his upper body got. And he even juicing with those fin supplements? damn, Gyar. keep at it, man. Just don't forget to do leg day. Or, uh, tail day. whatever.

So yeah, it looks like some perspective bullshit, but he actually just put on a lot of meat. and traded in that often-confusing Flying sub-type for a Dark sub-type instead. Still not Dragon, that would make sense, but I guess Dark suits it pretty well, too.

I don't know, this one looks unbalanced to me. Honestly, if the tail was shorter or thicker, it would look better. But then I'd be pissed that the frikker got shorter during Mega Evolution. so I guess you can't win? The red, black, blue, and yellow are not going well together, either. it looks like someone's shitty recolored sprite.

I'm also at this point wondering what the hell the process was in determining who gets a Mega. It ought to be Pokemon who could use some help, but it seems to be mainly Pokemon who were already good, or at least good enough. Gengar, Alakazam, Gyarados, these are all staples of every 8-year-old ever's Pokemon Blue Dream Team.


Overall: 4/10

Mega Evolution No. 8: Pinsir

I freaking hate cicadas

Oh Pinsir, my dear, dear Pinsir... what have they done to you...

Now you're some sort of robot flying thing? the red spikes on the wing cases are distracting and pointless. The little jets on the arms similarly so. And the BIGGER AND BADDER horn spikes are dumb.

It's hilarious, actually. Pinsir ought to be this rock-solid badass mother who don't take no crap from nobody, but now HOLY PISS HE'S GOT WINGS RUUUUUUUUUUUN

I'm laughing, but I still think it looks like shit


Overall: 2/10

Mega Evolution No. 7: Kangaskhan

how is babby formed

Now, this was a Good Idea. For years we've been wondering about that baby Kangaskhan, the whole Cubone intended evolution conspiracy, all that stuff. and now we have some proof. Proof of what? I don't know.

But this is a neat use of the Mega Evolution as a power-up rather than actually changing forms. Momma just lets her baby out of the pouch to play for a while, nothin' special. Except it's hella special, because this means it gets two attacks. Which I shouldn't even have to explain how godlike it is.

Earlier I liked Mega Alakazam because it felt like a 4th stage evolution. This time I like Mega Kangaskhan because it doesn't change a damn thing. Some may call this inconsistency or perhaps signs of mental deficiencies, but I prefer to think of it as variable taste. I feel I'd like Mega Samurott if it was just "Samurott standing up" as well.

It's really more about what I DON'T want to see, which is: barely changing at all and acting like you did, or changing everything and looking completely craptastic. as long as a Mega Evolution doesn't do those, I'm down with it.

But again, this is just a fantastic concept that pleases me to no end.


Overall: 10/10

Mega Evolution No. 6: Gengar

the original spooky boogie is back

and his eyes are crazier than ever. Seriously, Gengar looked like he was up to no good, but Mega Gengar looks like he wants to burn down an orphanage or something. Dude is psychotic.

he's also now attached to the floor like some sort of living shadow, which is pretty cool I guess. though apparently he actually has arms and legs but they clip through the floor. So he's supposed to be coming up from below but stopped half-way? I dunno, it seems awkward.

Also what the hell is that little yellow bead doing there, anyway.


Overall: 5/10

Mega Evolution No. 5: Alakazam

Foolishness, Dante. Foolishness.

I like how we've just sort of accepted that spoons = psychic power at this point. We're so far beyond that stretched reference of Uri Geller, now we have Mega Alakazam just floating a bunch of spoons over his head like he's Verigil summoning his swords. Also he is full-on levitating, even if it doesn't gain said ability.

but I do have to say, I like how this one actually tries to advance the idea of the Pokemon somewhat. He's got a full yogi beard instead of just the mustache, voluminous sleeves, that hovering seated position, and even a forehead jewel. All while still keeping elements of the previous design and essentially the same color scheme.

Honestly, as silly as the floating spoons are, I like this guy a lot. I can imagine him as an actual fourth evolution, instead of some bizarre half-step or alternate form. And I guess that's what I want out of Mega Evolutions? to make me think "damn, I wish it could actually evolve into this and stay that way".

also, 175 Sp. Attack and 150 Speed is just crazy bananas. In case you don't realize how absolutely nuts that is, that makes it the 3rd most powerful Sp. Attack in the game, and tied for 3rd fastest.


Overall: 8/10

Mega Evolution No. 4: Blastoise

suddenly I'm struck by a strong desire to play Advance Wars...

When they were asking what to do with Blastoise, there was one guy who said "Blastoise has two small cannons, right? let's just make it with one big cannon!" and another guy who said "No no, how about we add a cannon, make it three cannons?" and another guy who said "why don't we make it literally Barrel Dragon? like from Yu-gi-oh. Let's make it from Yu-gi-oh. I want to play Yu-gi-oh."

and then the good fairy of compromise came down and said "why not all three?" and then we had Mega Blastoise.

So yeah, I like this one. he's increased his firepower in both size and amount, it's cool. Also I think that the shells on his arms can come off and fly around on their own or something. no wait, Blastoise isn't a Gundam, that's silly. whatever.


Overall: 7/10

Mega Evolution No. 3: Charizard Y

Meet Charizard's second-cousin, Charmizord!

Either that or an subtle alt-timeline version. Because really, this doesn't look much more "mega" than regulat Charizard, it's just kinda different. Unicorn horn, torn-up wings, a few throwaway spines on the tail, and those dumb arm wing things. Who does he think he is, Garchomp?

Well, I guess it does look like a step up, even if it's a half-step. And I do appreciate the linework trying to emulate that earlier style, you see it on the (sigh) arm-wings.

But it's just really such a small difference, I don't see why they even bothered? what was the point? you'll see me saying that a lot, over the next month or so.


Overall: 4/10

Mega Evolution No. 2: Charizard X

it really grinds my gears that Charizard is so super-special that he gets TWO mega evolutions. not because I don't like Charizard, but because it throws off the whole "this is a balanced trio" aspect. Same reason I'm slightly miffed that he's the one in Smash 4, though another grass-type to go with him and Greninja would help that.

Oh boy, finally Charizard gets that Dragon sub-type! And is all DARK and COOL and BADASS just like my taste in music when I was 12!!

seriously, turning black is alright, and blue fire is kind of a neat idea, because blue flame is hotter than red, after all. But just constantly burning at the mouth? and those silly shoulder spikes? what's that junk all about, huh?

at least it's a noticeable difference, unlike Venusaur.


Overall: 5/10

Mega Evolution No. 1: Mega Venusaur

Okay, I took my break, washed behind my ears, paid off my debtors, changed my name, and buried that body. I mean, uh, hiatus over. time to get back to work.

gwuh. jesus, Venusaur, what happened? did you not shave for two weeks, either? you're lookin a little overgrown there, buddy.

This is seriously one of the lamest ones of them all. another set of leaves that you almost completely miss, and some little flower-thing on his head. I question if its even a flower, because it clearly has no stamen, it's like a flower decal he glued on there. lazy bum.

I think this guy represents my overall critique of the Mega Evolutions - what's the point? Venusaur was already a thing, this isn't improving on it in any meaningful way except I guess stats, but like, Venusaur isn't really BAD, is he? Half-assed new form tacked on that just looks dumb.


Overall: 3/10

ps - these scores will not affect Venusaur's rating, as these forms are completely optional. They also might not be factored into the Kalos region's summary, I'm not sure how I want to handle that yet.