Beta No. 186: Tuhedd

spiders are spooky, right? Happy Halloween!

beta-Ariados, in case you couldn't guess. Spinarak was always the same. While the final Ariados took things in a weird direction, Tuhedd, like Young Zaphod, plays it safe.


And as a result, it falls short in a different way. The wild color pattern befits a poisonous exotic spider, and it carries the faux-face marking motif better than Ariados did. But that head is just too simplistic and seems out of place. I'd replace it with Ariados' if I could, then it would be perfect. Or at least give it bigger eyes, something to make it more spidery and scary.


Overall: 8/10

Beta No. 184: Para

Para, Franc

who the hell asked for this


who wanted an even tinier, shittier Paras? I certainly didn't. And look how he's coming out of the mushroom, shouldn't it be the other way around? the mushroom is a parasite on the bug, right? this is ruining the lore and I won't stand for it.


Overall: 1/10

Beta No. 182: Grotess

i was raised by a cup of coffee ~

I think this line got thrown out because nobody really knew what they were doing with it. The sunfish evolves into a shark, who then evolves into a gulper eel. A Steel sub-type appears, then loses all justification. They (wisely) decided to go full anglerfish with Chinchou and Lantern, then revisit the gulper eel idea later with Huntail. Who also sucked balls, but that's another story. A story you can read in my archives! No, I won't provide a link. Go search for it yourself, ya lazy kids.


anyway yeah, Grotess is a dopey idiot who seems poorly conceived in every way. I hate him extra hard for taking the place of what could have been another cool shark, and bringing down two otherwise great designs. Open that mouth extra wide and go chew rocks, asshole.


Overall: 1/10

Beta No. 181: Anchorage

I can never remember whether Anchorage is in Maine or Alaska. They're both impossibly cold, frozen wastelands to me.

it's funny how "water/steel shark" has been a popular fakemon creation for years, and it turns out Gamefreak even entertained the idea, once upon a time! I guess they scrapped it, then revisited it later with Sharpedo (kinda) but still.


I think this kicks all sorts of ass. It also provides a great look at the evolution of the design philosophy - compare Sharpedo's pattern with hard lines and extra details, to Anchorage, who is just a normal-ass shark. Well, half of one, anyway. Everybody seems to love this Pokemon, and I'm no exception. Shark + Anchor, a combination as classic as Peanut Butter + Chocolate.


Overall: 10/10

Beta No. 180: Sunmola

da kine

Before Alomomola, there was another sunfish Pokemon, with a cute face and an adorable cowlick.


The artwork ratchets that cuteness up to 11. I mean, look at that face! I want to pinch his lil' cheeks. Though I wonder about the logistics of it - actual sunfish, you wouldn't be able to see both eyes at once. They're too broad and flat. But Sunmola must have a more rounded face, and a thicker body overall. Which is cute! CUTE!!


Overall: 9/10

Beta No. 178: Golpy

ugh

hey, what if Goldeen had a baby form? what if it was pretty much just Goldeen, who is already pretty much just a fish with a horn, except smaller?


well, if you follow that line of extremely uninspired thinking, you get Golpy. I hope you're happy.


Overall: 1/10

Beta No. 173: Cleffa

makes me think of Super Mario Sunshine

I'm on record for absolutely hating the pink shitstains known as Cleffa and Igglybuff. And baby Pokemon in general, because they so often feel like chibi forms of already cute Pokemon, it's sickeningly sweet.

But this beta-Cleffa, like beta-Pichu, doesn't really give me that vibe. It's not similar enough for that, but it still reeks of a hastily slapped together design. The only thing I'll say for it is that it reminds me of that other un-used design, not from the Spaceworld demo, but from a promotional illustration.

Maybe there was a connection? Because where the hell did this acid trip of a design come from otherwise? There's a beta-Hitmontop that we'll get to later, and that doesn't even look like this! So I have no clue. All I know is, Cleffa sucking is a universal constant, no matter which timeline you're in.


Overall: 1/10

Beta No. 172: Pichu

congratulations to everyone who's excited to have Pichu back in Smash (all 3 of them)

Beta Pichu was significantly more spherical than the final version. Of course, Pikachu himself was chubbier back in those days. They've both slimmed down, haven't they?

You know, I said I don't want to rag on the artistic interpretations and all, but I think this one kinda missed the mark. In any case, the simplicity of the design just seems like a child drew it, and I can see why the revised version was close to Pikachu in proportions, with more detail than just "uh the limbs are black"


Overall: 2/10

Beta No. 171: Numpuff

imagine the first guy to decide to eat a puffer fish

some samurai Daimyo just ordering his servants to prepare it, ignores their warnings of its toxicity, then eats it and goes "damn this is good!" and dies. So it becomes this legendary, forbidden dish, and everybody's trying to figure out how to taste that wonder without kicking the bucket.

Meanwhile, tuna and salmon exist.

meanwhile, I have a review to do.

Qwilfish is one of those forgotten ones, so giving him an evolution would have helped. But what the heck is up with thunderbolts on non-electric fish Pokemon? Whiscash had it, too! Knock it off!! but I like Numpuff's big goofy face. I wanna say he would be large, like Lapras-sized, too.


Overall: 6/10

Beta No. 169: Rayleep

i can be your angle... or yuor devil

So the beta version of Mantine was more feathery, justifying the Flying subtype. It also had a very interesting back sprite:


I don't know if it was supposed to have a split personality, or it's just a defensive pattern, but it adds a punch to the otherwise-boring Mantine that the final version definitely lacked.


On the other hand, manta rays and their horns are a lot cooler than normal stingrays. But if they made Mantine (or Rayleep) all wingedy and pushed the two-face gimmick, that would have left room to do another, proper, manta Pokemon later! So now I'm really sad it didn't happen.


Overall: 8/10

Beta No. 168: Gelanla

The Wicked Hermit Who Passes Through Walls

So I have to ask, was this line's names done on a budget? They could only afford 6 kinds of letters? But it's interesting to know that they wanted Tangela to evolve, long before Tangrowth became a thing. And again... it's green. Which makes sense, being a Grass type, so maybe Tangela was wrong to be blue, and everybody just sort of rolled with it?


Now, I actually kinda like Tangrowth, so Gelanla has some competition here. That smile is a nice touch (why are so many of these Beta-mons so smug?) and the double-hair-loops make it stand out. But for me, it's missing a key element - legs! That's Tangela's calling card, it's a mess of noodles wearing boots! Gotta have some foots.


Overall: 6/10

Beta No. 167: Tangel

lookin like Raocow's Demo

More babies. If you thought Gen 2 went overboard with 'em, just know that they actually dialed it back from what was planned, so strap in. Oddly, Tangel's sprite is green, while Tangela as we all know is blue.


The artwork seems to compromise with a grey shade of greenish blue, or perhaps bluish green. In any case, I like Tangel! There's not nearly enough cycloptic Pokemon, and Tangela deserves some company. Sidenote: compare/contrast with Oddish, two Grass types with the same lil' dark body and oversized hair. I guess Tangel isn't allowed to wear shoes until it grows up.


Overall: 7/10

Beta No. 166: Trifox

Half a Vulpix, or a third of a Ninetales

I'm a greedy bastard who likes it when Pokemon evolve, so I'm pretty down with the theory of giving everybody more evolutions. Problem is, when they're Baby-style Prevolutions, they usually suck and are totally redundant. And I think Trifox might just be one of them.


or at least, that's what I thought until I saw this totally adorable artwork. awwwww! Look at those puppy dog eyes, I can't say no to that! wait hold on, is that your tails? your entire tails? a singular tail with some curls? Dammit, I was promised 3 tails, and all I've got is a cute face and 1 tail! Sorry, Trifox, you're back in the "Return" bucket.


Overall: 3/10