No. 944: Shroodle

oodles of shroodles

Now what am I looking at here, exactly

Shroodle looks like the head of some larger character, but they cut off the body and just stuck a few tiny feets to the bottom of it. And even if I accept this creature whose eyes are so preposterously large they could not each be contained within the same small body, what's going on with the nose situation? I guess those are buckteeth, dipped in purple venom, but they look like boogers hanging on the end of the nose.

And it's Poison/Normal at the end of all that hideousness? Get away from me with your tiny tuft of hair.


Overall: 2/10

No. 943: Mabosstiff

the oldest doggy in the world

I'm 50% sure they designed Mabosstiff with the express purpose of making a sympathetic elderly dog for Arven's storyline, and if that's the case they knocked it out of the park. Realizing Arven isn't just a weird sandwich freak, but doing this to cure his sick dog, is probably the most emotion I've ever felt from a Pokemon game. Anyone who's seen their pet grow old should know the feeling. How you get excited just seeing them walk around, because it's more energy than they've shown all week.

Take care of your pets, people. Love them while you can.

Anyway, putting that aside, Mabosstiff is a big improvement from Maschiff on the design front. He aged gracefully, looking like an elderly Marlon Brando in dog form. Big fan of those eyebrows. And when he opens his mouth, you can see he's still got a full set of chompers, they're just hidden under that dignified mustache.


Overall: 7/10

No. 942: Maschiff

the angriest doggy in the world

One of the niches nobody talks about is the "basic route 1 mammal, except its DARK". Like, in what world is Poochyena and Purrloin so damn evil that they have to be Dark-type, instead of Normal? Is it just so that they can get STAB from using Bite? I mean, it's a bit of early type diversity so I can't say I mind, but.

Maschiff looks like a smacked ass. I don't like his beady little Gen-2 eyes, or the way he has to talk out the side of his mouth like Cerebus the Aardvark. Also, there's just something about his color scheme that I don't like.


Overall: 3/10

No. 941: Kilowattrel

or in America, Poundwattrel

 

 Kilowattrel looks like one of those classic Pokemon designs - take a recognizable animal (bird), tweak it a bit (big throat sac), and then add something cool (electric powers). But it turns out, the frigatebird is an actual bird that already looks exactly like this, except red. It even has the throat sac. So all they did was copy an existing animal and make it yellow.

So I guess I'll have to credit Mother Nature for the design, but it looks pretty cool anyway! aside from the eyes, those are Gamefreak originals and still pierce into my soul and weird me out. But the black-and-yellow color scheme looks sharp.

Kilowattrel is the odd Sp. Atk focused Flying-type, and combined with skyhigh Speed, it felt very strong to me and was almost on my final team.

Overall: 8/10

No. 940: Wattrel

Watt's the deal with airplane food?

While Squawkabilly shat up the joint with its boring typing, Wattrel brings it home as an Electric/Flying type. I'm a fan of taking regular birds and just making them somewhat elemental, like Talonflame.

Wattrel's eyes and slight smile makes him look like he's about to star in a mediocre 3D animated film by Illumination, but overall the design is nice. Sensible colors immediately set him apart from other regional birds, especially other region's waterfowl. I've got nothing bad to say here, just that it's a solid bird.

Overall: 6/10

No. 939: Bellibolt

 my eyes are up here

Bellibolt doesn't even look like a final evolution. It's gotta be the awkward middle stage, right? We've got a badass electric Poliwrath coming up next, right? No? Ah, well shit.

The elephant in the room is the eye-cheeks situation. See, you would think that its eyes are the big eyeballs on the sides of its head where a frog's eyes normally go, but actually it's the goofy little face in the middle! Those aren't nostrils, they're eyeballs! Don't you feel tricked?

Well, yep, you really tricked me, Bellibolt! I almost didn't realize you're just a green Lubba from Super Mario Galaxy 2. idk, it just makes me wonder what the point is. To give little kids and annoying adults something to "um, actually" their friends about? It doesn't make the actual design better, in fact it just confuses what ought to be a decent electric Chansey pastiche.

See? isn't that just better? The shape is fine, it's a round bouncy friend. But we get rid of the weird eye-cheeks, and make the actual eyes more alive, instead of looking like the real face is a flat decal sticker. Now I dislike the original even more, because I've had a glimpse of what could have been.

Overall: 3/10

 

P.S. what if the belly is the REAL eyeball???

No. 938: Tadbulb

light up the night
 

Another tiny little guy who gets in my way a lot. But I have to admit, a light-bulb tadpole is clever. There's some issue of "why isn't the frog Pokemon at least part Water?" but I actually kinda like it when Pokemon just commit to their element instead of bringing over real-world expectations of how that animal should exist. Not really a fan of Tadbulb's face, though.

Overall: 6/10

No. 937: Ceruledge

 Swordsoul of Mo Ye

Ceruledge was largely the deciding factor in my choice of Violet over Scarlet. Because as cool as Armarouge is, Ceruledge is even cooler. Twin flaming ghost blades? Sign me the hell up!

Again, I have to stress, this isn't a Pokemon design. And it's not a Digimon, either - it's a Medabot, or a Net Navi, or the star of an indie metroidvania game. But once again I will stress even harder, it's so damn cool I drop any pretense of having standards for stylistic unity. Ceruledge would have changed my brain chemistry if it existed when I was 9 years old.

Aside from everything I said about Armarouge (because most of it still applies), what makes Ceruledge so good is how the swords are done. They flare out when in battle like a lightsaber, and have a cool curve to them instead of just being straight blades, not to mention the way the cross-guard looks like flames itself. The trail of fire rising from its eye is just the cherry on top.

 

...bit weird how Charcadet is clearly meant to evolve into Armarouge, and hardly has any purple at all to justify a Ceruledge connection, but hey. We're ignoring a lot of faults, today. (I know they evolve with items, but in that case how come Armarouge looks like the "default"? Shouldn't Charcadet look unlike either of them, until an outside force interacts with it?)

Overall: 10/10

No. 936: Armarouge

FireMan.EXE

During the lead-up to Sword & Shield, Gamefreak didn't reveal that many Pokemon. For some, this was cool - they wanted to jump into the game unspoiled, with a sense of exploration. For me, who prefers to plan my teams out ahead of time, this was frustrating. I couldn't get excited when I didn't know the whole dex, and the ones they showed were dumbass losers.

 

They did not make the same mistake with Scarlet & Violet.

Armarouge and Ceruledge (we'll get there tomorrow) are freaking awesome. These two kick inordinate amounts of ass, and almost single-handedly convinced me that maybe Gen 9 would cook after all.

No, it doesn't look like a Pokemon. But it's so cool, I don't care. Yes, I thought it's name was Armarogue up until writing this review, because I'm very stupid and always mix up those two words, but that doesn't matter either. The colors are great, the typing is strong, the silhouette and proportions are heroic, the way the pauldrons turn into an arm cannon is sick as hell!

 

Overall: 10/10

No. 935: Charcadet

Things are starting to heat up!

 

Charcadet is a decent little guy, he looks like he wants to be the mascot of some HobbyAni show very badly. Okay, I know Pokemon itself is a HobbyAni franchise, but I mean he looks like a Yo-Kai Watch or a Beyblader, or maybe something related to bicycles, judging by his big ol' helmet. Gotta protect that giant, sensitive noggin. And the tiny useless thumbs on the sides of his giant sawed-off mitten hands are funny to me.

It's not a bad design, in fact it's a pretty good one, but it's really not a Pokemon design. It looks more like the chibi form of a tokusatsu hero, that doesn't appear in the show but gets used in marketing and merchandise.

Overall: 5/10

No. 934: Garganacl

Nacl 3 baybeeeee 

Let it be known that I don't like Minecraft. I think it's an impressively ugly game, made by a weird loser, played by annoying children, and more popular than Jesus. If you were making a "build with Legos and walk around inside the things you build!" game, you could do a lot better than shitty voxel stuff. And the actual "survival" game of it, the fact that there's like a campaign you can do with bosses and shit? Not to mention the Story Mode spinoffs? It makes me sick. I wish kids were playing better games. I do not respect Minecraft, and I'm not a fan of the way everyone else has granted it some sort of nostalgic legitimacy. I guess it's cuz those kids grew up and are the taste-makers now. But I was there when it was just a java beta, I've seen it in diapers, and so I don't have to respect Minecraft.

(wew, good to get that off my chest)

Anyway, Garganacl is pretty cool! Finally, the blocky style works out, with sensible points of articulation for a fantasy rock monster. I dig the big shoulders that evoke a pyramid, and the striations on his limbs are neat. To me, this hits a similar appeal as Golurk. I want to play with the action figure version of it.

Overall: 8/10

No. 933: Naclstack

btw NaCl is Sodium Chloride, the chemical formula for "salt", in case you haven't had it explained 4000 times by now

Remember NakNacks? Those weird blocky dudes from the early 2000s, where you were supposed to stack them or collect them or possibly play some sort of game with them (it was never clear to me)? Well, Naclstack doesn't look like them at all, aside from having blocky parts. I just wanted to see if anybody else remembered those, or if it was my own imagination.

Naclstack is more animate than Nacli, which brings him up from "poorly-conceived" to merely "ugly". I just don't like his Minecraft ass.

Overall: 4/10

No. 932: Nacli

 shoutouts to Saltybets

The problem with Nacli is that it's not a Pokemon, it's clearly a powerup from Super Mario Galaxy 3. Turns you into Salt Mario, and you use it to kill slugs or something idk

I'm fine with Pokemon that don't emote, much less have any moving parts, like Minior or Lunatone. But I think those work because they're levitating. Nacli just kinda rocks back and forth on the ground. I can't barely even believe it's alive.

Overall: 2/10

No. 931: Squawkabilly

 these guys only give you 1 gold coin when you spray them

It's been a while since I've gotten to complain about another useless Normal/Flying type. Corviknight was Flying/Steel, Toucannon was actually cool, and Talonflame was Fire/Flying. After years of generic flying feathery assholes, Gamefreak finally figured out the secret to making good birds was to make them NOT just a basic bitch Normal/Flying bird.

So it fills me with a mixture of nostalgia and ire to report that Squawkabilly sucks. I like a pompadour, but its become depreciated in recent years. And I don't care about the multi-color gimmick, because Squawkabilly isn't even good enough to want to collect 1, much less the whole set.

The design isn't offensive, and in fact I appreciate how it hones closer to classic design sensibilities with the complex feather arrangements and detailed feet, but it's still just so boring.

Overall: 4/10

No. 930: Arboliva

 I'm Arboliva, I couldn't leave her, if I tried~

Arboliva is one of those Pokemon that was clearly designed with a certain pose in mind, and it's very strange that its key artwork is NOT in that pose.

See, it's an olive wreath. So it holds its arms in a wreath position. There's some visual similarity to the laurel wreath, too, but I don't know if laurels and olives are botanically related or what. Speaking of botany, its olives look like grapes, but I'm not about to get into that again.

I think Arboliva has a neat design that manages to keep a feminine silhouette without making it weird, and represents a type of flora we haven't seen before. In a way it's reminiscent of what Klefki and Comfey were going for, but done in a more naturalistic way. I guess the key art helps with that, reinforcing the idea that its arms aren't locked into this one pose. Maybe that was the intent?

Overall: 7/10

No. 929: Dolliv

 be a doll and get the door, won't you?

Dolliv doesn't just have a forehead, she's got a five-head. Makes me want to slap her head, or play tic-tac-toe on there. But I shouldn't bully the poor thing, she's at least better than Smoliv. She's kinda cute, and looks very polite.

On the other hand, I was so incensed yesterday I completely glossed over the Grass/Normal typing, so let's think about that. What makes this Pokemon any more "normal" than any other Grass-type? Are olives the most normie vegetable? Are olives even a vegetable, or are they a fruit, like tomatoes? Maybe they're related to grapes? Has anybody ever tried putting grapes on a pizza? I could look up the answers to these questions, but I'd rather relish in the mystery.

Overall: 5/10

No. 928: Smoliv

smol uwu bean

With all due respect, fuck Smoliv. Go back to your garden and bring me some breadsticks. When I'm driving my 500-pound legendary motorcycle from another timeline around Paldea at 100 mph, hauling ass with my hair in the wind, the last thing I want is to slam to a complete halt because some tiny little baby wants to battle. I should be able to crush Smoliv under my wheels. I should be legally allowed to crush Smoliv under my wheels.

Design-wise, yes, it's a little olive with a face. Not much more to say. What, are you gonna cry? Go ahead, then. Cry.

Overall: 1/10

Help! The Pokemon are leaking again!

I've been awoken from my peaceful slumber by the news of another massive Gamefreak leak. Seems the hackers got a ton of information, from design documents to news of upcoming projects to deep Poke-lore, and most relevant to our purposes: more beta designs!

I don't know if I really want to review all these guys, and even if I do I'll probably wait for someone to draw some artwork of them, but maybe this is a sign from the heavens that I should get off my ass and finish up Gen 9 before somebody leaks the entirety of Gen 10 or something.

oh yeah, hello again, btw. Anybody still out there? Is this thing even on???

No. 12345: Rocky

Today we're reviewing my pet cat Rocky.

First off, this asshole doesn't even learn any good moves. Scratch and Quick Attack aren't gonna do much for damage, and he lacks the bulk to make Rest useful. When Nuzzle and Lick are your best moves, you know there's a problem.

Moreover, what's up with that design? Who decided to put a random splash of color in the middle of your face like that? Gamefreak must have been drunk. And yeah sure, he's very fuzzy, but that just means white hairs getting everywhere and making any black T-shirts look grey.

And that's not even mentioning how Rocky wakes me up in the middle of the night because his stupid ass ate all his food in a hurry and threw it up without even tasting it, how he tries to bring down the posters from my walls and pulls books off my shelves, how he eats the window blinds and shreds the corners of the furniture...

What a dumbass loser cat, I love him very much 10/10

Pokemon Legends Z-A

 Well, well, well.

Everyone's said for years how strange it was that Gen 6 never got a 3rd game, how the existence of Pokemon X and Y implies a Pokemon Z, how much unexplained lore was left on the table, how half-baked the region felt... and now Gamefreak finally has the chance to make it all Right.

Personally, the thing that has me most excited is the fact that it won't be coming out until 2025. Hopefully, this means they'll take their time and polish a game for once. It also means that Gen 10 can line up nicely with the franchise's 30th anniversary in 2026, and I really hope they pull out all the stops for that one. PLZA will probably be a Switch 2 game in some form, but Gen 10 definitely will, and it would be nice to have a Pokemon game that actually looks like it belongs in this decade for once.

As for PLZA itself... see, I really liked PLA, despite not liking Diamond/Pearl. It got me to re-examine the Sinnoh Pokedex, and see that there's more to love than I thought. On the other hand, I was already warming up on those guys over the years, whereas I find myself cooling on Kalos. It's definitely my least-favorite Pokemon game, I've decided. Maybe PLZA will be able to pull some magic and change my mind? We'll have to wait and see.

Speaking of waiting, I know that I haven't updated in forever, but it seems we have another few years until a new generation hits, so I'm in no rush! But seriously, while the larger project I mentioned is still a work-in-progress, I would like to finish up reviewing Gen 9 before too long here. But I refuse to make any promises I can't keep, because I don't like breaking hearts.