No. 206: Dunsparce (for real)

Okay, sorry about that. I'll try for real this time.

I hate everything about Dunsparce. I hate how he is a below average normal type with no evolutions, because that makes him completely useless in-game. They didn't even give him a gimmick, and they hid him the hell away, so you feel like he should be worth something, but no. He's not even worth the money you spent on the pokeball it took to catch him, or the 5 minutes of your life you'll never have back.

Then, I hate his design. If they were trying to create something that is just a slap in my face in terms of being completely hideous, ugly, unlovable, stupid, lame, and boring, then they succeeded.

He has fugly little useless wings, which according to his dex entry allow him to pathetically fly a tiny bit, but he learns no flying moves and doesn't have levitate. His half-assed drill tail that looks like something a 4 year old drew apparently lets him dig, but he can only go backwards. Then he has spikes on his chin, which for the longest time I thought were mandibles. And then his closed-up eyes, atrophied from eons of disuse.

Dunsparce is like one of those sightless, translucent, hapless, pathetic creatures you find in caves where there is no light and stuff. At best, all I can feel is pity. At worst, disgust. And the thought that somebody willingly created such a creature, instead of it evolving that way in a cruel twist of fate, is the most disgusting thing of all.

Dunsparce is horrible. My least favorite Pokemon. my most hated Pokemon. This 1/10 is the lowest 1/10 there will ever be.

Overall: 1/10

No. 206: Dunsparce

No. 205: Forretress

a favorite of Smogon.

Even though Forretress doesn't look like anything at all, I like him. He's like a little planetoid with cannons and eyes on it that can close up for shielding, and also roll around for melee damage.

Not sure what they were going for, though. Is he like a walnut or something? A walnut of steel? See, I don't understand why these guys aren't bug-grass. that would make a lot more sense.

but whatever. I just like to imagine Forretress shooting volleys of missiles out of his cannons there. And then spinning around like a boss.

Overall: 7/10

No. 204: Pineco

I feel like they really phoned this one in.

Pineco! it's like a pinecone, but with eyes! Yeah!

well, I guess I know it's supposed to be a bagworm, which are apparently more common in Japan than America. Which explains why it's a bug type, instead of grass.

either way, I don't really like it that much. It looks boring, and it isn't that great. It's not horrible, just a filler.

Overall: 3/10

No. 203: Girafarig

Or, spelled backwards, girafariG.

Another one with a secondary head. wtf Gamefreak. Why do you hate nature so much.

But since Girafarig's gimmick seems to be being a palindrome, a secondary head actually makes a sort of sense. But I wish there were more giraffe Pokemon, I like those.

but can we take a moment to wish that it had turned out like the original design:

one more thing to point out: being half normal-type, Girafarig can make good use of moves like headbutt and stuff, and is immune to ghost-types. So it's a pretty nice typing, honestly.

Overall: 6/10

No. 202: Wobbuffet

In France, they pronounce it "Wobbufey"

Okay, let's just get this straight: Wobbuffet has never been funny. Popping up uninvited with a salute and a "WAH-buffet" is inane and stupid. What is it supposed to mean, are you chiming in with some witty commentary? leave that to the people who can actually speak, dipshit.

When Team Rocket is going to capture some water types, and James says "They won't sea us coming!" and Jesse says "I'm shore we'll catch them this time!" and Meowth says "We're gonna make waves when we pull this one off!" then that is NOT a moment where Wobbuffett should appear. It has nothing to add to the conversation, the joke, the puns, or anything.

In fact, there is never a time for Wobbuffet. When things are sad, popping up doesn't make me laugh. If it pops up and goes "wabba-wabba" then I don't give a damn. Even in Smash Bros, when you get a Wobbuffet in a pokeball, you groan on the inside. Or often, out loud. Because no one has ever wanted to see a Wobbuffet. Also, I apologize for the puns in the preceding paragraph. They were pretty bad. But they served their porpoise well.

even Smogon doesn't like Wobbuffet. He's banned because he can just reflect or counter everything, or something like that. The fact that he is on the Uber list alongside Lugia and Mewtwo and other known badasses makes me angry and hate the game engine just a little bit.

The only redeeming thing about Wobbuffet is that his female version has actual lipstick on, which is honestly pretty funny. But you think about the little tail with eyes, and how it is just there FOR NO REASON and then suddenly you get the feeling that life won't ever be funny.

Overall: 1/10

No. 201: Unown

Remember Alpha-bits? I don't.

I like how the Unown are presented in the movies, as a sort of hive-minded cluster of power, but not really intelligent in their own right, only responding to other people's wishes and such. But in the game, they ain't worth a shit. Seriously, collecting all of the Unown in Silver was the biggest waste of time since someone told Charlie Sheen to "maybe stop taking so many drugs".

But let's examine the entire alphabet, here.

Most of these are fine, and some of them actually look pretty cool and unique. A, H, S in particular are my favorites.

but then you get ones like V, with its random hat, or Q, with its stupid-looking appendage, or frigging G. I mean, seriously. How in anyone's mind does that look like a G. or even a g. It does not. B, on the other hand, looks a lot like those g's you see in books, you know? I don't know anyone who actually writes them like that, though.

In fact, C looks more like a G. But then what would they do for C? Maybe something like O, but without the hoop connecting all the way around.

And then you have T, which is just a straight-up T on top. boom.


and I don't like the new punctuation ones. Completely unnecessary, as if anyone wants to write with the Unown as letters or anything. Only 3rd graders want to do that.

Overall: 5/10

No. 200: Misdreavus

Looking like Ponyo's evil dark twin, the 200th Pokemon appears!

Finally, another Ghost type. While Haunter and Gengar are quite awesome, I'd been waiting for another ghost, maybe one that isn't weak to psychic.

So Misdreavus delivers on that regard, although it is otherwise nothing special. Just a kinda floating lady head. I like her coloring, though. The way the dark transitions to purple at the tips really suggests a kind of nebulous quality that befits a ghost nicely.

and HEY! she's also the only ghost in gen 2, making her the 4th ghost total in two generations! That's just shitty. Why did Gamefreak hate ghosts so much? At least the 5th gen more than made up for it.

But we'll get there when we get there.

Overall: 6/10

No. 199: Slowking

"I need pants."

So, if the Cloyster bits a Slowpoke on the ass, it turns into a Slowbro, fit only for macking on the ladies and wearing polo shirts with popped collars and playing Halo and Tony Hawk.

But if it bites the Slowpoke on the head, then instead of flat out killing it, the toxins make a super-genius among Slowpoke, the Slowking, who will lead his people to victory and freedom.

Or maybe not.

Because I still wouldn't trust Slowking with anything, much less a kingdom. The guy looks hereditarily irresponsible. Also, what the hell was up with him being able to talk in the second movie? He didn't even use any psychic powers, he just stone-cold talked. Mostly one-liners, as I recall.

Overall: 6/10

No. 198: Murkrow

He's a crow with a hat!

And how about that!

actually, it's pretty cool, thanks. I have no problem with flying types, just the over-abundance of normal-flying types. So a dark-flying type is fine, and makes a lot of sense if it only comes out at night or something.

I think if Spearow are like juvenile delinquents, who cause trouble for people and are general jerks, then Murkrow are actual gangsters, and are the ones who cause actual "why did you shoot that man right on my lawn oh geez" kind of trouble.

Overall: 7/10