No. 216: Teddiursa

Bears are either cute or badass, there is no other way.

and Teddiursa is very far on the "cute" side. just look at dat widdle bear. he gets his hands all sticky wicky with honey, and then adorably licks 'em off! he's so cuuuute!

If I was like a mom, I'd probably want to cuddle one of these things, and maybe put them in diapers, or something. I don't know, that's things that moms like, right?

I dunno, I'm not a mom. I'm just spitballing here.

Overall: 8/10

No. 215: Sneasel

This one reminds me of my sister's cat. That cat is really smart, but also pretty sassy and uses her claws.

okay, so, I don't know what Sneasel is supposed to be. A weasel? Um, weasel's don't have giant claws or feathers, and I'm pretty sure they tend to have more elongated bodies.

But who cares, Sneasel is cool. She's a dark-ice type, because hell, we need more ice types. It's kind of live what happened to Jynx, they just threw that in there.

But I like the idea of some vaguely-cat shaped thing having feathers and badass claws. It's a fairly original idea, and it could only come from Pokemon. I also like the asymmetry, I think that's something that could be played around with a lot more in Pokemon. Things like Bulbasaur's spots, for example. Just little things, I'm not talking about Digimon-level "one arm is a mechanical sword and the other has halos of light and also my dress only covers one leg and also I have a big wing on one side of my head my name is Evangelimon"

Overall: 10/10

No. 214: Heracross

oh, HELL THE SHIT PISS YESS

HERACROSS IS PROBABLY MY SECOND FAVORITE POKEMON EVER. I LOVE FIGHTING AND BUG TYPES AND WHEN YOU COMBINE THEM IT JUST GETS SO AWESOME THAT I HAVE TO TALK IN ALL CAPS.

but I'll dial it back as best I can.

Heracross is amazing. He lives in trees and eats honey, and then comes down to mess shit up. He's based off the Atlus beetle, which you KNOW is a hardcore bug. hella hardcore.

When I played Soul Silver (not heart gold cuz I'm not a bitch) I of course had put a Heracross on my team. So I find one, but it's a female. Now, this usually isn't a deal at all for me, but female Heracross has lame horns. And I'm going to be looking at that backsprite for a long time, so I don't want no stupid-ass horns.

compare this (male):

to this (female):



uh, no way. So I had to breed it until I got those majestic horns. I rarely breed Pokemon, because I don't usually care about creating a perfect specimen, but I bred for an ideal Heracross. that's how much he means to me.

Overall: 10/10

No. 213: Shuckle

Shuckle does does not give a single shit

Look at this dude. just LOOK at him.

Is that the face of a dude who has any spare shits to give? No, he keeps them for himself, tucked up safe and secret.

Shuckle has better defense than the frigging Great Wall of China. If the Russians had just had a few Shuckle in Stalingrad, the Nazis would have given up in a week after they realized they couldn't touch that shit.

He's kind of a barnacle thing, or maybe a turtle, but he's strangely not a water-type. Also, I find it incredibly lulzy how he has literally the worst stats of any Pokemon in terms of Hp, Atk, Sp. Atk, Speed, but the best by far in terms of Def and Sp. Def. He specializes in what he knows and doesn't care who knows it.

Also I have this memory of people putting berries in one of his holes, then shaking him around, and then pouring some juice out of another hole. Is that a thing, or did I just make that up?

Overall: 8/10

No. 212: Scizor

Scyther is one of my favorite Pokemon, and certainly a star of gen 1. But then he evolved. He evolved and everyone held their breath, because they weren't sure if anything would be able to live up to Scyther's geatness.

but then Sciozor came into the world, and the universe breathed a sigh of relief and exhaultation. "yes" cried I, and "yes" cried the universe. A Yes to life, a Yes to progress, a Yes to badassery. "yes" cried the babies still in their mother's wombs, "yes indeed."


So yeah, Scizor is red, streamlined, badass head shape, mouth claws for hands, and is pretty much a metallic steel ninja. He's actually slower the Scyther, but not ass-slow, and his defense makes up for it IMO. Scizor actually has the highest attack stat of any bug type, which is pretty awesome.

Scizor is the reason why I count bug-types as my favorite type. There's a lot of Caterpies and Wurmples, but the Scizors and Pinsirs make up for it.

Also, how badass would Scizor look if his shiny sprite was black and white? that would be hardcore as SHIT.

Overall: 10/10

No. 211: Qwilfish

Turns out there is a fish named the Qillfish. Amazingly, there is no resemblance.

Qwilfish feels like it should be evolving, to me. There are a lot of water Pokemon that just don't, and I don't like that. Especially since they look so generic. Weird things like Mr. Mime should just stay like that, but ones that are essentially just "this is an animal that we are now calling a Pokemon" deserve a few evolutions to grow and really get awesome.

So Qwilfish is okay, but I want it to evolve into a giant bloated fugu, carrying death and disease wherever it goes. Or something badass like that.

Instead, it is just an orb with a fin and some spikes. I think there's an opportunity to craft a much cooler puffer fish Pokemon sometime in the future.

Overall: 5/10

No. 210: Granbull

Now here's a bulldog that would make Churchill proud!

Well, maybe not proud. At least he wouldn't be ashamed.

Granbull is okay, he's a purple bulldog that stands upright and has giant fangs. If only he was more than just a normal type, he'd be amazing. But no fighting, no ground, just normal.

[edit: I got my wish, but somehow, adding "Fairy" to the mix doesn't make him amazing.]

Because god knows we don't have enough of those already.

Overall: 5/10

No. 209: Snubbull

Another ugly ass bitch.

Snubbull's inspiration seems to be those hideous tiny dogs that misguided rich blonde women dress up in uglier pink dresses to make them "cute" or something.

Seriously, Gamefreak, think about your choices. If you were to make a bulldog Pokemon, would you want it to be wearing a pink polkadot dress? really?

I - sometimes I just don't know about you, Gamefreak...

Because Snubbull is Ugly with a capital F. That makes it Fugly. Also I hate its voice.

Overall: 1/10

No. 208: Steelix

Always named mine Stainless

Onix's big problem was that while he looked awesome, he was shit for use. And Steelix is probably also not very good, but he's certainly more powerful, and he also looks like a complete boss.

He just randomly grew spikes all over the place, and has a gigantic underbite, as if to say, "GAR HAR HAR HAR HAR" and such.

but I think that official artwork makes him look kinda stubby, so take a look at this:


but please try to avoid looking at this:

oh you couldn't? The floating, lumpy bodies readily visible in your mind? Soulless eye sockets swimming before your retinas?

whatever. Steelix is the boss.

Overall: 10/10

No. 207: Gligar

Billy Bat here! You can hear me, can't you? I'm gonna need you to kill the President.

Gligar is Ground/Flying, but I'm sure where the "Ground" comes in to play, here. He looks like a flying scorpian, shouldn't that be like Bug, or Poison?

whatever, Gligar is cool balls. I really like scorpions, and when you take one, give it bat glider wings, and tall ears and an adorable tongue, then of course I'm gonna love it.

wasn't there an episode about a superhero named Gligarman? am I dreaming that? if not, then that's pretty awesome. You don't see any superheroes naming themselves after shitty Pokemon like Paras or Cleffa, do you?

but check this out: Gligar has like 12 spikey points on him. hot damn, that's a lot of potential to injure.

Overall: 9/10