No. 330: Flygon

those goggles are adorable

Okay, Gamefreak doesn't have any excuse for the typing shitstorm going on with Flygon. He doesn't look anything like any stage of an Ant-lion's metamorphosis, he has very clear wings, and those bubble goggles and antenna make him look fairly bug-ish.

Yet, Ground/Dragon.

Bug/Dragon would make sense, the most sense. That would be badass. I could also see Dragon/Flying, or even Bug/Flying. But Ground/Dragon? I get that they want to keep the type constant throughout the line, but maybe, they should have thought more about where they were going when they created Trapinch.

Flygon could be the end of his own, separate line. I could see a larva nymph Pokemon evolving into Vibrava, and then gaining Dragon-like characteristics for Flygon. That would be cool. Meanwhile, Trapinch evolves into a bigger, badder orange sand-bug.

It's too bad all this type junk is going on, because I like Flygon's design. Thinking of him as a dragonfly with the "dragon" part taken literally, he's great. And like I said, those goggles. adorable. I would give him a much higher score, but I just hate the retarded typing so much...


Overall: 7/10

No. 329: Vibrava

Anyone else uncomfortable with that name? No? Just me? Okay.

First off, why is it a Dragon-type? It is clearly a bug. Also, why still Ground-type? also, why does Trapinch evolve into this, which has absolutely zero resemblances whatsoever?

Like, seriously, where the hell did this guy come from? We went from an orange sand-trap Ant Lion to some sort of green dragonfly bastard. what happened.


The typing on this one is just so screwed up, I don't know what to say. What were you thinking, Gamefreak!?


Overall: 3/10

No. 328: Trapinch

Ant Lions aren't actually lions at all it turns out

Man, I frigging love Trapinch. I've always liked the idea of ant lions, ever since I watched Return of the Jedi. Something at the bottom of a sandy hole that sucks you in and wants to eat you? That's a classic boss design, right there. Straight outta nature.

Anyway, Trapinch is cool. He's got eyes that sparkle because he knows he's a star, and he's got giant-ass jaws because he doesn't give a shit about what he bites, he just wants to bite it all.

A Bug sub-type would have been neat as well, but I'll take what I can get. Which is pretty awesome.


Overall: 10/10

No. 327: Spinda

Remember that game you used to play when you were little, where you'd just spin around and around until you fell over or threw up? that game rocked

Apparently there is this algorithm which determines how Spinda's spots go, and there are like billions of possible permutations.

I don't understand why anyone would spend such time on Spinda. It's a cool idea, because every single one should look unique, but Spinda is just such a sucky Pokemon, it doesn't matter. It has poor stats, with only a Normal type, and no cool moves.

Now, if they'd done something like this for, say, a Poison Frog type Pokemon, that would be cool, because I would almost use a Poison-type. Or pretty much any type at all besides Normal, the worst type.

So, points for a cool idea, but it is completely wasted on the likes of Spinda.


Overall: 4/10

No. 326: Grumpig

So, what's the deal with Grumpig? Is he a pig, or what? Why's he grumpy?

He seems pretty happy to me. Maybe because he just evolved out of the nightmarish hell that is being Spoink, and can now do things like rest and "not bounce all the time".

But now, he begins to get a bit complicated. 3 pearls, none of them as large or design-dominating as Spoink's. Two-tone, with what appear to be sleeves. I don't know, it seems a little much. Like, pigs aren't known for their fashion sense, and they tend to be all one color, don't they? They aren't animals with underbellies a different color, or anything.

But in general, Grumpig looks ugly to me. Nothing about him is intriguing in any way, and I don't believe for a minute anyone has ever looked at a Grumpig and said, "I want this on my team".


Overall: 2/10

No. 325: Spoink

Halfway through the Pokedex! Woo!

If Spoink stops bouncing, its heart stops, and it dies.

As we can see from the Coliseum games, and Black and White, when a Pokemon faints, it slows down and stops moving.

Every time you KO a Spoink, you kill it. I hope you're happy, you monster.


Anyway, I understand the whole "Pearls before Swine" thing, but I think the pearl just throws the whole design off. It looks much too top-heavy. I'm not a big fan of Spoink, but I must admit that art makes it look pretty cute. And using the curly pig tail as a spring is brilliant.


Overall: 7/10

No. 324: Torkoal

chugga chugga chugga chugga WOOO-WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I'm totally a sucker for things that hiss steam out of pore and vents, I admit it. that PSHHHHHH sound gets me every time, I love it.

So Torkoal is a dream come true in that regard. Also, he reminds me strongly of The Day the World Broke, an excellent old PC point-and-click adventure game. There was one part where you visited the Iron Works, and there was I think a snail, a turtle, and a few other animals, and they were all Mechanimals, which meant they were part machine, and they all worked together to make iron ingots and stuff. It was neat.

While Squirtle took the "turtle" concept to its aquatic extreme, Torkoal takes it more along the "desert tortoise" route, which is smart. I kinda wish it had some evolution, but it's great like it is. Seriously, I don't have a single actual complaint here, except wishing for more steam-based tortoise goodness.


Overall: 10/10

No. 323: Camerupt

Camels are actually terrifying. Look it up, true fact.

The first thing I notice when I see Camerupt is its three blue rings. Why are they there? They don't mean anything. They don't contribute to any color scheme. They aren't associated with camels, volcanoes, fire, ground, or anything.

It's a textbook case of a fine design having needless shit added to it. I don't know why Gamefreak seems to be more prone to this in the 3rd and 4th generations, but they are. This isn't "over-designed", rather, just having random spots and bands on it.

Still, even with the rings, he looks like he means business, so that's better than dumb 'ol Numel.


Overall: 7/10

No. 322: Numel

"But, the Camel hasn't any O," he managed to say. "The Dromedary," it said, winked a lazy eye, and went away.

Similar to how a Dark subtype makes a Pokemon badass, a Ground subtype makes it more useful. It gives it immunity to Electricity, and gives it STAB Earthquake against Fire, Electric, Poison, Rock, and Steel. And in Numel's case, the Fire typing counters most of Ground's weaknesses, leaving it with weakness to only Ground and Water.

Also, I love the idea of a camel with its humps being volcanos. That's intense.

However, Numel looks like its herping an extraordinary amount of derps. It looks like a frigging plush toy. And why is the caldera green? Lava isn't green. So many kids got confused and thought Numel was pure Ground, or even Ground-Grass, I bet.

I also want to take this moment to talk about something that always pissed me off about the anime, as it went into the Hoenn region: they kept on coming across some people who raise a specific Pokemon for a specific purpose, and everyone always acts like it's such a unique thing, like only Numel could be used to heat water, because it's not like other Fire-types, or even stoves, exist. I remember one such episode, and Max, the little snot, actually says, "I've always wanted to go to a real live Numel ranch!" as if anyone could be excited about taking care of these dopey turds, but I guess Max is the kind of loser who likes pointless shit like that.

Overall: 6/10

No. 321: Wailord

Wailord? more like Wailard, if you ask me!

Wailord is the biggest Pokemon of all time. He's a whopping 47 feet long, and much more voluminous than the other "longest" Pokemon like Steelix and Rayquaza. He weighs 877 pounds, which puts him in the top 10 heaviest, as well.

However, compared to the actual Blue Whale, Wailord's obvious inspiration, it's a featherweight. Blue Whales get up to 100 feet long, and can weigh 200 tons. Which means Wailord is half the size, and less than 1/200th of the weight. Holy freaking shit, I never realized how heavy Blue Whales are before, goddamn.

Anyway, it's a little odd to think that with all the craziness of Pokemon, they still haven't made anything bigger than what we actually have. But maybe that's for the best, because this isn't Digimon, after all. Trying to impress with scale alone often fails, and leads to a size creep. And only a Water creature could possible become that large.

But yeah, Wailord set out to be the biggest, and to be a big fat whale, and it is. mission accomplished.


Overall: 7/10