No. 851: Centiskorch

 I just wanna grill

Imagine having your eyebrows and mustache being on fire, then doing the same thing do your ass because why not. That's Centiskorch, coming or going he'll burn you both ways. I love how nearly reversible this boy is, but actually you'd never mistake which side is up - cuz his underbelly glows like a series of stove tops. Fantastic animation work here.

You know how Fire Blast shoots out that firey 大 kanji? Centiskorch basically has that on its face. This is the kickass shit I live for. I don't even care that he loses to Stealth Rocks, I don't play competitive. I just wreck face on all the in-game trainers with my goddamn flaming grilltop centipede of destruction.

Overall: 10/10

No. 850: Sizzlepede

 look ma, the bacon is cooking itself!

Another line that would've made me hype for the game if Gamefreak had let me know about it beforehand, Sizzlepede looks like an evil hot dog that got run over with a cartoon steamroller. Thing is slim like the new iPhone.

Centipedes are scary in real life, but somehow I've come around to liking them in fiction. I've always liked bugs in general, specifically the entry-level ones like scorpions, stag beetles, and spiders. But maybe it was James & the Giant Peach, or a couple of centipede bosses in Japanese video games, but I'm starting to think these guys kick ass. They're long-ass, edgy caterpillars. Sizzlepede is fine, but I can't wait to get on to his evolution tbh.

Overall: 7/10

No. 849: Toxtricity

 FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK

I love how I can't really tell what sort of animal this is supposed to be. And it's clearly not just a "human" either. Sort of a frog, maybe? But I don't want to know, that's the charm. Maybe I'll write a longer post specifically about this aspect of Pokemon designs that has been lost to time.

Of the two forms, I have to say I prefer the Amped, because yellow/purple is exactly what I think of for Electric/Poison. But Low Key is good, too - the dual mohawks are better than one, and the arrangement of its chesticles is more streamlined. Maybe an idealized version would be the Low Key design but with Amped Up colors?

oh yeah, I should probably say something about how this guy strums those thingies on his chest like his torso is a guitar. It's weird and probably a sex thing, but that's just how Toxtricity rolls. how he Rocks and Rolls, to be precise.

Overall: 10/10

No. 848: Toxel

 baby boy. baby.

Look, I'll be upfront - Toxel and its evolution are my favorite Pokemon in Galar, hands-down. I really wasn't excited for the game, cuz most of the revealed Pokemon were underwhelming, then I saw these little psychopaths in the leaks and I fell in love. So you'll have to forgive me if I sound biased here, but actually it's my freakin' blog so you'll have to ask for my forgiveness if you disagree.

Anyway, Toxel is great because he's just a weirdo electric baby monster. Vaguely reptilian, but mostly an ambiguous monster that you rarely see in Pokemon anymore. Plus, he's Electric/Poison, which is a fresh and radical combination.

I'm on record for vociferous dislike of "baby Pokemon" but I'm okay with this literal baby because he's not a babified version of an existing concept. He's designed like this from the start, and he's perfect in every way. That white electric soul fire on his forehead, like Black Bolt or Tsuna Sawada, is the icing on the cake.

Overall: 10/10

No. 847: Barraskewda

 all points, no quills, no pillows

ok, this one is kinda raw though. Barraskewda is a 4 foot torpedo of a javelin, swimming along at 100 mph and punching holes in boats and whales. The muppet eyes no longer look goofy, they give it a deranged air. That is the face of something with exactly enough brain cells to know how to kill you, and not a single spare.

But what really makes this design, to me, is the tail. It rotates like a propeller, which is such a cool, unnatural movement! I wish static art could convey it.

And its fishbone decals on the side are pointed the right direction, emphasizing speed, unlike Arrokuda. The only thing keeping this from being perfect (and I can't believe I'm responding so positively to what is basically just another random fish) is the color scheme. But that shiny variant? Oh mama.

Overall: 9/10

No. 846: Arrokuda

 Heathcliff was all the time eating this thing out of garbage cans

I was afraid that Arrokuda was created simply to accommodate Cramorant's gimmick, which would be fairly inexcusable - two throwaway slots for the price of decent gag? but Arrokuda is a legit Pokemon of its own, or at least it'll come into its own with its evolution.

But for now, it's just Arrokuda. Pretty much your basic fish, but with a curly Sanji eyebrow of a smile, and big goofy muppet eyes. The problem is that real life barracuda are scary mofos, so a Pokemon version of them has a lot to live up to, and Arrokuda doesn't quite get there. It's still stuck in "generic fish" territory, after all.

Overall: 4/10

No. 845: Cramorant

Poor thing was only created so it could deep-throat a Pikachu, and it knows it.

wait that sounds wrong - Cramorant has a gimmick where when it uses Dive, it emerges with a fish in its mouth, which it then spits at the opponent. That's kinda neat! But rarely, it'll emerge with a Pikachu in its mouth, which it also spits and causes paralysis. I question why Pikachu were diving deep enough to get scooped by mistake, but once you go there you have to question how it can use Dive at all in the middle of the desert, or why fish Pokemon can just hover in mid-air, and it's better to leave it alone.

Still, it's a Pokemon that was created around that gimmick, and that's all it has going for it. This seems to happen a lot with birds - Delibird, Chatot, Oricorio, etc. I'd feel bad for them, but I'm clinically incapable of feeling empathy towards birds.

Overall: 3/10

No. 844: Sandaconda

big ups to Lucky Star

Sandaconda is slightly cool - even though I dogged on Silicobra for sneezing his attacks, Sandaconda looks like a double-barreled shotgun or something. I'm into it. Reminds me of Mr. 4's dog, from the Alabasta arc of One piece.

But once you get past that, there's so much going wrong here. The whole damn snake is backwards, how can it possible move in any direction but roll sideways like this? it's coiled like a spring, but never does anything with that implied elastic tension. It just sits there and sneezes at you.

I dunno, this seems like one of those Pokemon that are just unfortunate. Whether it be Darwin or Arceus, they've evolved into a being that can't possibly function and only exists to suffer for our amusement.

Overall: 2/10

No. 843: Silicobra

guess who's back

   

Silicobra reminds me of a Yo-kai Watch monster. I think it's the eyes. Not in a distractingly bad way, but I'm just saying.

Like Tepig, this one shoots stuff out its nose. I never know what to think about this, cuz I feel like nose-sand would be grosser than if it shot it out of its mouth like a normal freak of nature. But maybe it doesn't matter much in the end? It's still sand (or Fire, in the case of Tepig). It doesn't gain the Snot Element.

But still, use a tissue, yo. Especially these days.

Overall: 4/10

EVEN MORE BETAMONS

GOD DAMN


Thanks to an enormous leak of Nintendo beta builds, they uncovered even MORE beta Pokemon, from an early version of Diamond/Pearl. Unlike the past leaks, hardly any of these are "new" Pokemon - just early designs, or unfinished sprites. Can you guess who everybody here is supposed to be? (shouldn't be that hard)

At this rate, they're discovering new Pokemon faster than I can review the existing canonical ones. That's worrying.