Hisuian Typhlosion

well that's enough stalling.

Typhlosion is one of the most badass Pokemon ever, but he's been done a bit dirty by the transition to 3D. Dude needs those flames to be constantly raging to keep his presence. You see this shit?

This is weak shit.

Fortunately, Hisuian Typhlosion keeps his flames out all the time during battle - and they're spooky ghost flames, which is even better! although I wish they animated more like, well, flames. Instead of tentacles.

Regardless, there's still the minor tragedy that when he's just chilling in the overworld, no flames. It pisses me off. Charizard keeps it blazing 24/7, why can't my man Typhlosion?

Based on the design alone, this should be an easy 10/10, arguably even surpassing the original. But because of how its actually implemented in the game, I have to dock it points. And the sad truth is, if I was reviewing Typhlosion for the first time in this modern era, it would fall from that perfect grade, too.

Overall: 9/10

Touhoumon no. 9: Cirno

Beloved Tomboyish Daughter

Cirno is the strongest, what more do you need to know? She freezes frogs and doesn't afraid of anything.

Even besides the memes, Cirno remains enduringly popular because she's just so cool (pun intended). She's got a simple design and neat ice-crystal wings, with a big personality. I know everyone calls her a baka, but I think it's great how she doesn't let that faze her.

Also, she's got a nice Sp. Atk stat, and the surprisingly rare Ice typing. Plus she's cute as a button.

Overall: 9/10 10/10

Pokemon Scarlet & Violet announced

And here I was thinking Gamefreak was gonna take it easy after pumping out two games back-to-back...

I enjoyed the hell out of Legends Arceus and will probably make a post about it later, but suffice to say I'm really glad that Gen 9 is keeping the open-world vibes. I hope it brings back the emphasis on trainer battles, and let the Pokemon follow you around.

New starters look fine, we got a weed cat, applegator, and donald duck. As always, what really matters is their final evolutions, but I instantly like these more than last gen's.

Will I be able to review those Hisuian forms before these games launch? Knowing me, it'll be a struggle.

Raihan of Hammerlocke

the Kevin Durant of the Pokemon world

Raihan shows Piers how you rock a lanky frame, looking like a badass and staying on-brand. Check the coordination between shoes and hoodie, with the dragon-whisker laces. I wish we got to see more of him in the main game, because he's got a great design and his rivalry with Leon could be interesting.

Sadly, he ends up with one of the most pathetic gyms I've ever seen - you just step into his office, answer a few trivia questions, and battle a few trainers right there. It's a damn shame.

Sickass logo, though. and Raihan's hoodie looks mad comfy, I want to pull those drawstrings and make the "jaws" close up around his head.

Overall: 8/10

Piers of Spikemuth

God, wasn't it embarrassing when Piers starts to sing in his concert, but because there's no voice acting he's just shouting silently?

Honestly that little detail alone irreparably harmed Piers in my eyes. I know he's supposed to be this punk rocker, but I can't shake the image of him shaking his fist and lip-syncing into the microphone. So I'll try to give him a better examination here.

My man has the hair of an Octoling from Splatoon and the body of Midosuji from Yowamushi Pedal. That's a cool jacket and shoes, but those knobby knees aren't a good look. Piers is a victim of the need to wear something sports-related, so he ends up looking like one of those anemic marathon cyclists, but with a bunch of spiky accessories.

I think he's almost cool, but the hair is too alien and those knees are so distracting I don't even feel like giving him points for being involved with the storyline. Although it's admirable how he competes without using Dynamax, because it's a bullshit mechanic. 

His logo is just Team Yell, because they're actually just trainers from Spikemuth, but that's something we'll get into when we review the "Evil Team" themselves. For now, suffice to say that Piers falls a distant second to his sister.

Overall: 4/10

Melony of Chircester

forget Pikmin 4 I need HER 

Gamefreak gotta lot of nerve, making a stone-cold milf in the game and naming her Melony. Like how can I not make the obvious joke? But I'll resist, this is a Family blog, after all. (side note: anyone reading this with their family - there are probably better ways to spend your time together.)

I'm not sure if Frosmoth was designed first, or Melony, but they're perfect for each other. Big round soft maternal energy. She seems to have hooves instead of feet, but I can get over that. Just a really nice design, and check out the hidden triforce in her logo:

Whereas Bea and Allister are unconnected, aside from Ghost and Fighting being sorta opposites, Melony and Gordie have a cool little storyline, where she wanted him to become an Ice trainer and take over the gym, but he wanted to rock out as a Rock trainer. And depending on if you play Sword or Shield, I guess you see a different side of that argument.

Overall: 10/10

Gordie of Circhester

big dick is back in town, baby

Gordie's got a case of flat-foot like we saw with Milo, but aside from that the dude is a major boss. He does a backflip for no reason when he sends out his Pokemon! and despite being hugely popular, he's not an asshole about it. He's just honestly that cool.

I do want to question his wardrobe, though - that two-tone jacket is like something the In-Betweener would wear, and I'm not sure if dying his naturally bleach-blonde hair a shade of banana yellow was the best call. But I guess when you've got all the natural swag and charisma of Jack Black, you can pull anything off.

I think it's neat that Gordie is a chubby guy who's portrayed as legitimately cool in the game, instead of a joke. and I do think he's cool, he just needs better taste in outfits.

Overall: 7/10

Opal of Ballonlea

Triplets of Bellville (or would that be Solo of Bellville?)

You know how I ragged on Allister for the confusing theme? Opal has no such problems, because she's just a bad bitch. Sure, she's wearing the glove, but there's no attempt to be "sporty" here. Just old lady cotton candy drip.

Opal is seriously amazing, she's reached the age where she no longer gives a shit and just does whatever she wants. Yubaba vibes.

And the way she forcibly adopts Bede to snap him out of his emo phase... it's too good. She's just the best, and that gigantic poof around her neck gives her a unique top-heavy silhouette.

Overall: 10/10

Allister of Stow-on-Side

Shy Guy

Allister is the first one for whom the sports theme falls apart. He's a weirdo masked kid with baggy sleeves, who needs suspenders to hold up his shorts. Maybe they'd stay up on their own if he didn't weigh them down with those chunky Pokeball-holders, but. My man has clearly never been involved in athletic activity in his life. He has the body of a heavy reader, not a heavy lifter.

And usually I'm all about people with cool masks, but Allister isn't cool enough to deserve that respect. He's a shy nerd, nothing more. Get outta here with your frilly shoes.

And we're not even going to talk about the Black Sperm logo he's trying to use.

Overall: 3/10

Bea of Stow-on-Side

stanced up like a Dangan Ronpa character

Galarian Youmu is pretty cool. I'm a fan of the vaccum-sealed midriff, and being martial-arts themed means she plays the sporty aesthetic off well. It's a shame she doesn't end up having much personality or role in the story, though.

But still, how can you hate a karate girl who can hold her own against freaking Machamps?

Overall: 7/10