No. 397: Staravia

Look at me in the eyes and say there's anything positive about this Pokemon.

I dare you, I double-dog dare you.

No?

Smart man.


Staravia is a jumble of monochrome shit and piss. That little curl on his head, all the complicated patterns, the random black tip of the beak, it's all awful and terrible and pointless. While Starly is shitty on principle, Staravia manages to be shitty for multiple reasons.


Overall: 1/10

No. 396: Starly

hey, boys and girls!

What do I think about Starly? Let's all say it together now - "FEATHERED FLYING ASSHOLE!!"

Yes, that's right! Starly is a miserable little puke who should be dragged out into the street and shot! What even kind of bird is it? It certainly isn't anything I recognize, or give a damn about!

You'd think after Pidgey, Spearow, Farfetch'd, Doduo, Hoothoot, Togetic, Taillow, and Swablu, we would have enough crappy Normal/Flying types, but I guess Gamefreak spends more time sniffing paint thinner and injecting horse tranquilizers into their forearms than they do making decent Pokemon! At least when they were developing Diamond and Pearl

Ha Ha! The fun we have, here at NAPACE!


Overall: 1/10

No. 395: Empoleon

gettin regal all up in this bitch

Well, as promised, I'm slightly disappointed that Empoleon isn't sporting an awesome suit. Instead, he's got some stupid cravat, or whatever that thing is.

But besides that, Empoleon is looking pretty legit. Water-Steel is a unique type, and though at first I was all "shouldn't a penguin be at least part ice?" I realized that Water-Ice is overplayed as balls, and a penguin with razor-sharp fins is the sort of crazed fever-dream that could only be the best friend of a small child in the Pokemon universe.

Plus, that crown is a sure sign of Big Pimping.

But the best part is Empoleon's gaze. You can tell he's a stone cold killer of a monarch, who would sacrifice his own son for the sake of his crown. You gotta make those tough calls when you've got an entire nation to run.


Overall: 9/10

No. 394: Prinplup

why do these guys have names that sound like the sound a puddle makes

I had some big long boring thing written here, but I decided that it all added up to "Prinplup is okay and stuff, but boring", so keep that in mind, but let's move onto more surreal, interesting things.

Piplup had two little white "buttons", making it look a little like it was wearing Mickey Mouse pants. Which, come to think of it, are pretty weird. Who the hell has buttons on the front of their pants, unless it's a part of the zipper? Anyway, Prinplup has the beginnings of a double-breasted suit going. Which I like, I like it a lot. Suits are badass, and I wear one whenever I have the opportunity.

And, without glancing at Empoleon for tomorrow's update, I can't remember if it continues that trend or not. I can't remember on my own. I really hope it does, because a boss penguin with a double-breasted suit on it is suddenly the best thing I can think of. I'm imagining a bunch of penguins in gangster outfits, sneering and slouching, with one of those big fat ones with the eyebrows sitting behind a desk. Holy shit, with all the penguin movies that came out in the early 2000's, how did this movie not happen. They already wear tuxedos, how much of a stretch is that to pinstripes?

anyway if Empoleon doesn't look at least a little like Al Capone or Marlon Brando, I'm going to be kinda disappointed.


Overall: 6/10

No. 393: Piplup

My mom named hers "Popple", so I always think that's it's actual name.

Penguins are great, and it's a great concept for the Water starter. I wonder if they couldn't have slimmed things down a bit (why is there a light blue patch above the beak? was that really necessary?) but I guess they wanted to make it look like it was wearing a cape. Or a hoodie, or something adorable with a hood and a cape or something I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.

Japan apparently loves Piplup, and it certainly is cute. Forget that nonsense about the hoodie, that was stupid. I would go up there and delete my ramblings, but I don't have anything to say otherwise. But I think I'm going to go on record here and say that Piplup is in my top 5 favorite fictional penguins of all time.


Overall: 8/10

No. 392: Infernape

Did someone call for a Firefighter?

Well, you've got one, you sick son of a bitch. Are you happy now? Two Fire/Fighting starters in a row, that's a one too many. I mean, it's still a strong combination, but I'd like to see some other typing. Like Grass/Ground on Torterra, that's unique. Or what Empoleon will be bringing to the table. I guess I don't honestly thing a flaming monkey shouldn't be Fire/Fighting, I just think maybe they should've tried for a different theme?

As for Infernape himself, well, he's got a lot going on. Red, white, blue, yellow, and brown. That's like, twice as many colors as a good, simple design should have. On the other hand, his "Journey to the West"-inspired design is cool, and the flames just coming out of his head is a nice touch.

But you know what? That isn't a good Pokemon design, it's a good Digimon design. This is Flamemonkeymon, right here. Again, a problem a lot of 4th Gen Pokemon have. They don't look like animals anymore, they look like battle animal demon spirits and stuff. I don't know, maybe the definition of "what a Pokemon should look like" has changed over the years, but for me, I like the aesthetic of the early generations the best. So, since it's my goddamn blog, I'm going to judge the hell out of these guys.

Infernape, you are cool, but holy SHIT your design is busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.


Overall: 7/10

No. 391: Monferno

Now were're getting a little warmer.

"Warmer" in the sense of "not sucky", that is.

Monferno actually looks a little badassed, I'm not going to lie. He's got a long tail with flames on the end, which kinda copies Charmeleon, but I'm not going to complain. Hell, Magmar does it too. It's just a good thing to do, if you're a Fire Pokemon.

The way the arms taper outwards to the fingers makes the hands a lot less creepy than Chimar's, and overall everything just looks more solid and balanced. I kinda like the different colors on the face, like a baboon or something.

The only thing I don't like here is the gold bands on his arms. This is a problem we'll see a lot in this generation, random ass bands and spots and shit on things that didn't need them. Just - just learn to leave a design alone, okay, Gamefreak?


Overall: 8/10

No. 390: Chimchar

Man, the Fire starter is always the best choice, right?

Apparently, no. Chimchar is a stupid little monkey with his ass on fire. Charmander has a flaming tail, Cyndaquil has a flaming back, Blaziken has flaming wrists, and this guy has a flaming ass. Holy shit, do I not want.

He's not particularly cute, unless you thought that thing the little girl adopted in the Lost in Space movie was cute. He's not cool in the least. And he looks like he has too many fingers.

Chimchar is lame and goofy and did I mention he has flames on his ass.


Overall: 2/10

No. 389: Torterra

How many dudes do you know who carry a garden on their back?

That's right, none. And Torterra carries a frikken zen garden on his back, like it ain't no thing. It's great. I want to have a Torterra, and then build a little fort on his back, so that he can just walk around and I can live up there. It would be great.

Torterra also kicks ass because he learns Earthquake at an early age, and really only has to fear Ice and Flying types, because he's also weak to Bug (but you'll never meet any competent Bugs) and Fire, but he can just slam those dudes with some sick-ass Ground moves.

He's easily the best fully-evolved Grass starter. And I still can't get over how awesome it is that he has a garden and shit on his back, like some sort of badass world-supporting myth turtle. I just love the guy, okay?


Overall: 10/10

No. 388: Grotle

saying his name out loud makes me feel dirty

Grotle is alright. He's got some bushes on his back, cool, he's bigger and more like an Ankylosaurus, that's neat.

Well, "cool" and "neat" in the sense of "yeah that is a thing I guess". Overall, Grotle is boring. But that's the problem all middle-evolutions have, so I won't be too hard on him. He's just going through some growing pains.


Overall: 5/10