No. 335: Zangoose

Now, I know what you're thinking.

"Zangoose? Isn't that the Russian dude from Street Fighter?"

And I'm here to tell you, no, they are not the same. The difference is that Zangief is a mighty tower of Soviet muscle, protecting the skies and grabbing the souls of foolish men. Zangoose is just a poser, trying so hard to be cool, it hurts. He's got the narrowed eyes, the Digimon-esque asymmetry, the "scar" over one eye, hand-claws, and a lightning bolt shaped mark.

If he was just pure white, I'd love it. If it was even symmetrical, that would be a step in the right direction. But I have always hated middle schoolers, and I make no exception for the shit they draw on the inside of their Social Studies textbooks.


Overall: 2/10

No. 334: Altaria

I remember some old Nintendo Power where someone wrote in and described their own Pokemon, and it was a little blue dragon hiding in a cloud.

I don't like it when Pokemon drop a type upon evolving. It's lame, some of the STAB moves I had on you now won't work, what the piss. However, Dragon is infinitely superior to Normal as far as types go, so I'm giving Altaria a pass.

And, a little plus for daring to be a Dragon type without being, well, a dragon. I'd like to see that type get thrown around a little more.

Also, I'd like to reiterate my desire to just cuddle up on a cloud and go to sleep. It's right up there with "ride around in a giant Pelican's mouth" in my book.

Finally, I just like Altaria's color scheme. White and sky blue, simple and soothing. And those cute puffy little cheeks! I think I just want to use an Altaria as a flying bed, actually.


Overall: 8/10

No. 333: Swablu

Halfway to the Number of the Beast! Repent! Repent!!

Is - is this another Normal/Flying type? Is it really? Do I have to smack a bitch? Stop doing this, Gamefreak, it isn't funny.

I mean, why even be Normal at all? Pure Flying would've been completely acceptable for this one, because the wings are made out of clouds and such. With other birds, who are actual birds, I understand them wanting to be able to use STAB Normal moves (although I really don't understand that because Normal moves suck) but for something as clearly fanciful as Swablu, just using Gust and Tornado-poop or whatever kind of moves Flying types have, would be fine.

Because in the end, Swablu ditches the Normal altogether in favor of Dragon, but that's tomorrow. As for the resign itself, it's okay. A little blue cold bird, whatever. Cloud wings? I'm down. I wish clouds were solid enough so I could jump into them like a big old fluffy bed, but I guess not all dreams can come true.


Overall: 5/10

No. 332: Cacturne

You know what takes a lot of time? Flying home and then having a Thanksgiving Dinner that Couldn't be Beat! But I'm back!

And who better to come back to, than one of my favorites, and possibly my favorite member of the 3rd Generation, Cacturne.

Cacturne is a cactus, which I have already established is inherently badass, and he's also a little bit like a scarecrow. And, the face looks kinda jack-o-latern. and to cap it all off, Dark subtype. Didn't I say this before? It was true then, and it is true now. Dark Subtypes make Pokemon great. I don't know how, but it just works.

They use a personal attack called Needle Arm, and apparently their blood has turned into sand from eons spent standing in the desert. I don't think a Grass-type can get more hardcore than this boss.


Overall: 10/10

No. 331: Cacnea

Amingo is my favorite character in Marvel vs Capcom 2.

It's got a lot of spikes, lines, and diamonds going on. But, spikes are badass (especially on a cactus, where they make sense), Cacti have those crease lines, and I can deal with diamonds, because I love cacti so much.

In the anime, when James got a Cacnea, and it always tried to hug him, poking him with its spikes, that was lame. It was just another Victreebell, and did the same thing. And unlike Victreebell, it wasn't funny even the first time.

But seriously, cacti are badass. Amingo is badass, and I am sad that he isn't in MvC3. I love how cacti come in all these crazy-ass shapes, like fans, balls, forks, leaves, and other shit. They're great.


Overall: 8/10

No. 330: Flygon

those goggles are adorable

Okay, Gamefreak doesn't have any excuse for the typing shitstorm going on with Flygon. He doesn't look anything like any stage of an Ant-lion's metamorphosis, he has very clear wings, and those bubble goggles and antenna make him look fairly bug-ish.

Yet, Ground/Dragon.

Bug/Dragon would make sense, the most sense. That would be badass. I could also see Dragon/Flying, or even Bug/Flying. But Ground/Dragon? I get that they want to keep the type constant throughout the line, but maybe, they should have thought more about where they were going when they created Trapinch.

Flygon could be the end of his own, separate line. I could see a larva nymph Pokemon evolving into Vibrava, and then gaining Dragon-like characteristics for Flygon. That would be cool. Meanwhile, Trapinch evolves into a bigger, badder orange sand-bug.

It's too bad all this type junk is going on, because I like Flygon's design. Thinking of him as a dragonfly with the "dragon" part taken literally, he's great. And like I said, those goggles. adorable. I would give him a much higher score, but I just hate the retarded typing so much...


Overall: 7/10

No. 329: Vibrava

Anyone else uncomfortable with that name? No? Just me? Okay.

First off, why is it a Dragon-type? It is clearly a bug. Also, why still Ground-type? also, why does Trapinch evolve into this, which has absolutely zero resemblances whatsoever?

Like, seriously, where the hell did this guy come from? We went from an orange sand-trap Ant Lion to some sort of green dragonfly bastard. what happened.


The typing on this one is just so screwed up, I don't know what to say. What were you thinking, Gamefreak!?


Overall: 3/10

No. 328: Trapinch

Ant Lions aren't actually lions at all it turns out

Man, I frigging love Trapinch. I've always liked the idea of ant lions, ever since I watched Return of the Jedi. Something at the bottom of a sandy hole that sucks you in and wants to eat you? That's a classic boss design, right there. Straight outta nature.

Anyway, Trapinch is cool. He's got eyes that sparkle because he knows he's a star, and he's got giant-ass jaws because he doesn't give a shit about what he bites, he just wants to bite it all.

A Bug sub-type would have been neat as well, but I'll take what I can get. Which is pretty awesome.


Overall: 10/10

No. 327: Spinda

Remember that game you used to play when you were little, where you'd just spin around and around until you fell over or threw up? that game rocked

Apparently there is this algorithm which determines how Spinda's spots go, and there are like billions of possible permutations.

I don't understand why anyone would spend such time on Spinda. It's a cool idea, because every single one should look unique, but Spinda is just such a sucky Pokemon, it doesn't matter. It has poor stats, with only a Normal type, and no cool moves.

Now, if they'd done something like this for, say, a Poison Frog type Pokemon, that would be cool, because I would almost use a Poison-type. Or pretty much any type at all besides Normal, the worst type.

So, points for a cool idea, but it is completely wasted on the likes of Spinda.


Overall: 4/10

No. 326: Grumpig

So, what's the deal with Grumpig? Is he a pig, or what? Why's he grumpy?

He seems pretty happy to me. Maybe because he just evolved out of the nightmarish hell that is being Spoink, and can now do things like rest and "not bounce all the time".

But now, he begins to get a bit complicated. 3 pearls, none of them as large or design-dominating as Spoink's. Two-tone, with what appear to be sleeves. I don't know, it seems a little much. Like, pigs aren't known for their fashion sense, and they tend to be all one color, don't they? They aren't animals with underbellies a different color, or anything.

But in general, Grumpig looks ugly to me. Nothing about him is intriguing in any way, and I don't believe for a minute anyone has ever looked at a Grumpig and said, "I want this on my team".


Overall: 2/10