No. 634: Zweilous

not to be confused with the zweihander, which is a gigantic badass German longsword.

Speaking of German, we had Deino last time, now it's Zweilous. we countin' now, baybee. And as you'd expect, it also has two heads.

This is a very good evolution, because it takes everything from before and makes it... more. Two heads, with two spikes each. Bigger fuzzy color, two toes a foot instead of one, and the beginnings of some wings. All while maintaining the same colors.

but wait, now that I'm looking at it, doesn't it look like its starting to sprout tiny arms from its necks? huh. That makes it heads look even more like hand puppets, which we'll bring up again tomorrow. Also its back feet just freaking point backwards, in total disregard to the natural order of everything. Between this, and what the dex entries say about its heads always fighting for control, I'm beginning to get creeped out here.


Overall: 6/10

No. 633: Deino

looks like one of the Beatles, doesn't he?


While some Pokemon were designed from a basic form and then "what would this look like but bigger" from there, Deino I think started with the idea of a hydra Pokemon, and reverse-engineered to get to this first stage.

Which is why Deino doesn't really look like a damn thing, because it only makes sense in the context of its evolutionary line. So that's important to keep in mind, because otherwise Deino looks pretty random. It has a muppet mouth, shaggy hair, single-toed feet, and some spike in the back of its head. None of these design choices particularly compliment each other, but the dark color-scheme helps.

Still, even knowing that this is the one-head version, and each subsequent evolution will add more heads, Deino by itself is underwhelming. It does manage to be unique without being obnoxious, though, so I'll give it some credit.


Overall: 5/10

No. 632: Durant

Up next, it's Durant Durant's hit single, "Hungry Like The Mightyena"!


Okay but listen, ants are hard core. They will chew you up, eat your eyeballs, crawl down the inside of your throat, and generally ruin your goddamn life. You don't mess with ants. I mean, sure, pick on a lone straggler here or there, but know that pound-for-pound an ant would thrash your ass so hard. And if you had to fight your own weight in ants? frigging forget about it. One hundred and sixty pounds of ants is something like 256 million ants. That is, in scientific terms, a lot of ants.

So, as you can guess, I come to Durant expecting a swarm of fear, or to be scared shitless, or something. And honestly, Durant kinda delivers. It's a lot bigger than a regular ant, but it certainly looks meaner. Those jaws are not friendly "nice to meet you" jaws, those are nasty "how about I eat your entire leg" jaws. And the way it looks like it has metal plates bolted to it works really well, it makes it look like a clockwork automaton. And its Speed, Defense, and Attack stats aren't bad, either.

I also appreciate how, being Steel/Bug, it gets stomped on by Heatmor, which is its natural predator. In most cases, when two separate Pokemon are related, they're meant to be counterparts to each other. In this case, the relationship is most definitely not equal.


Overall: 8/10

No. 631: Heatmor

I think Heatmor stole Fire Man's arm gauntlets. But that's fine, because those things are wicked.

Now, I think I mentioned back when I reviewed Torkoal how much I like the idea of Fire types spouting steam and/or smoke, and whistling like freight engines when they shoot fire. So, Heatmor delivers on that count. But then it has to go on and have veins of orange, overlapping with grey pipes and grey bands and then more orange claws. You guessed it: too busy, too much shit going on here. The pipes would have been enough, but...

actually, you know what this guy really looks like? one of the little woodies from the Moomins got turned into one of the mechanimals from The Day the World Broke, and if you got both those references you are already privy to 25% of my childhood.

Heatmor has cool ideas, but it's disappointing that he only exists just as himself, no evolutionary line. and again, those stripes are distracting me from giving it very high marks.


Overall: 6/10

No. 630: Mandibuzz

Remember that one vulture miniboss in the Gusty Gulch level of Paper Mario? that was a good game.


I know "mandibles" mean jaws of any kind, but the word always reminds me of bugs. That, coupled with the "buzz" makes the name give off a insectoid flare that I'm sure they didn't intend. Because it's a buzzard. Not a bug. You can tell by the beak.

I'm not the biggest fan of the design, though. I prefer to think of my vulture as stooped and gangly, not all crumped up together. Perhaps they do this in real life, but when I want to see a picture of a vulture, I want to see them leering their head down, all sinister-like.

The bone in the hair is a neat touch, though. Also nice to see that Mandibuzz learns Bone Rush, which shows someone was actually thinking. I wish some Ghost types learned that move, actually.

aside from that, I guess Mandibuzz is just sorta boring to me. After the glory and grandeur that was Braviary, I was expecting its counterpart to be more evil and threatening.


Overall: 5/10

No. 629: Vullaby

Doesn't she kinda look like Bowser Jr. riding in the Koopa Clown Car?

let's look at that "car", by the way - it may be a diaper, but it's an upside-down skull. That's pretty badass when you use your enemy's skull as a diaper for your kids. In fact, that sounds like it could be a Duke Nukem quote: "I'll shit in your skull like a diaper."

but anyway, there hasn't been a vulture Pokemon before, and Vullaby is even kind enough to be Dark/Flying, so it's a not-overused typing. That neck fringe looks nice and cozy, too.


Overall: 7/10

No. 628: Braviary

It's a known fact I haven't always been on the nicest terms with the avian family.

In both real life, and in Pokemon. I shat all over Pidgey for being unoriginal and weak and lame, and I've proceeded to do similarly for every random "I took a bird and drew it like it was in a cartoon" bitch-beak I've come across since. See, birds smell, they're stupid, they aren't as soft as you'd think, and one time I got bit by a peacock.

So it may come as a shock, but I freaking LOVE Braviary here. It's pretty much everything I wanted in a Normal/Flying type: a color scheme that isn't brown-and-tan or grey-and-gray, cool elements that you don't find on a real-life bird, and a badass name.

Let's start with the colors. Red, white, and blue. This bird is America. We are known as the home of the brave (among other things), and Braviary is straight outta George Washinton's wet dreams. Oh, and it's Japanese name is Wargle, like a War Eagle, which is crazy badass. Because besides being a giant feathery death beast, it also has Indian-like feathers coming from its head. It looks Apache, in a way. Which fits with the USA theme.

Braviary is just so damn awesome, I don't even mind that you have to get a Rufflet to level 54, he's far and away the best Normal/Flying type around. Even stat wise, he beats every Normal/Flying but Togekiss, but forget that mess. Braviary is #1. USA USA USA USA


Overall: 10/10

No. 627: Rufflet

Shout-outs to Isabel J, whoever the heck you are


It's kind of a dick move to have a Normal/Flying type this late, isn't it? I mean, I guess it'll help with the Fighting-type Elite 4 dude, but your team is so weak that adding Rufflet to it will make it significantly better, you have bigger problems than not having a Rufflet.

but Rufflet is cute enough to at least catch your eye. It looks really soft and fluffy, and those stocky little legs are a plus. I don't really like birds, but this one is almost okay in my book. I think it's the absolutely gigantic head that does it, because if it wasn't so cute it'd be out in the absolute gutter with all the other pigeons and swallows and crap. I mean, it's still another pointless Normal/Flying that specializes in Physical Attack first and then Speed, so just getting a now-awful score is an achievement.


Overall: 4/10

No. 626: Bouffalant

Get out of my Pokedex, Lambo, your manga isn't even good.


Some people might say this is a rehash of Tauros, and in some way they're right. In the same way that a Bison is totally ripping off of a bull. Which is to say, they ought to be related by evolution.

If it was a true evolution of Tauros, though, I'd want it to have those three tails, but each one with a hairball like a mini-afro on it. That would be just wonderful.

see, I like Bouffalant, if only because he has an afro. That's always a plus, in my book. you also can't say that he's an overdesigned mess. Maybe it could do without the horn rings, but ehh. Still fine. in an endgame populated by giant robots, power rangers, and hydras, Bouffalant keeps it on the dl.


Overall: 7/10

No. 625: Bisharp

I kinda wish that they hadn't gone with a chess theme for these guys, because there's nothing chess-like about them at all.

Okay, Bisharp definitely takes the idea and runs all the way with it. And he doesn't just stop at home plate, either, the guy just keeps running, past the plate, past the dugout, over the fence, over the bleachers, out of the stadium, and just keeps running.

It's like a Power Ranger, except instead of being the "tiger" ranger or the "triceratops" ranger, he's the "ginsu knives" ranger. Apart from the body blade, which honestly look like they'd cut the inside of his own arms, he's pretty well balanced. The Kinnikuman crest is appreciated, but I'm not sure if the gold was necessary. His legs are amazing, though, unique looking boot-feet, and you know already that I love poofy thighs. okay that sounded wrong

but in the end, I'm sad to say, Bisharp looks like a Robot Master, not a Pokemon. While I believe the 5th Gen mostly kept a lid on things, we've seen recently that they kinda gave up near the end. really fun design (with a few minor flaws), but doesn't belong in this game.


Overall: 4/10