No. 066: Machop

awwwwwww yeeeeeaaaaah beeeeeyaaaaatch

Machop is like one of my top favorite pokemon ever. or should I say, one of maTOP favorite pokemon ever.

so puns aside, Machop kicks ass. He is a little karate man, and what kind of animal is he based on? It doesn't matter, because he is a made up awesome thing. I love the shit out of his little head crests, as well as the fact that he is a badass fighting type.

ooh wait, sometimes he looks like he's made out of clay or something. is that what he is? whatever, still awesome.

and I love how his dex entry is always about him breaking things, like boards, or bricks, or skulls.

Overall: 10/10

No. 065: Alakazam

Are you ready to trip all over some balls?

Because I am laying down a groundwork of balls right now, so feel free to trip all you want.

Okay, so,
Abra's japanese name: Casey.
Kadabra's japanese name: Yungeler.
Alakazam's japanese name: Hoodin.

don't see it yet?

Casey --> Edgar Cayce
Yungeler --> Uri Geller
Hoodin --> Houdini

these are all famous psychics and magicians, people. are you tripping balls yet? I hope so.

anyway, I hate Alakazam, because he is so over-used and over-powered. Here is how to beat pokemon blue: get an Abra. raise it to an Alakazam. teach it psychic. proceed to destroy everything.

seriously, it pissed me off how game breaking Alakazam was. There's no satisfaction is using him, either. And his goddamn spoons. I must admit that his sheer power merits some points, but still, screw Alakazam, and Kadabra as well. I'm sticking with Casey.

er, I mean, Abra.

overall: 2/10

No. 064: Kadabra

"Abracadabra" by Steve Miller band is a great song.

While I really like how Kababra says his name in the anime, I don't like a whole lot else about him. His tail is fatty, for one thing. I do like his armor and legs, though. they look badass.

he also doesn't look much like a cat anymore, and his mustache whiskers make him look old and lame. Is he like a fox now?

But mainly, its his spoon that pisses me off. Uri Geller was the dumbass who invented the bending spoon thing, but I frankly can't bring myself to give a shit about it. It doesn't connote telekinetic powers, Japan. Spoons just connote food. Kadabra looks like an old grandpa who was eating his pudding but got distracted halfway though and is still carrying the spoon around with him.

Overall: 4/10

No. 063: Abra

haha wow 2 posts in a week cool

Abra is a great pokemon to come back to, though. He's like a sleepy little cat, wearing armor and having psychic abilities.

I also think that Abra had a neat gimmick, looking back. You could find an Abra really early, but it always teleported away, so you had to either come back with a better ball and capture it in one shot, or get some sort of sleep-inducing move to hold it down. It was kinda annoying, but it made the eventual Abra capture pretty memorable.

Abra is a very well-thought-out pokemon. Top quality.

Overall: 10/10

No. 062: Poliwrath

But when little baby frog grow up and be big daddy frog, he find he still just a frog.

Poliwrath sounds awesome on paper. A bigger, meaner Poliwhirl, with an actual fighting type to him.

Except, he doesn't live up to the hype. I mean, he looks sorta lumpy and dumb, like a battletoad or something, and I don't know.

He just doesn't work as well as Poliwhirl, is all. He's still pretty good, but I'm not even sure what I was expecting. Maybe to keep the round body, or something.

Overall: 7/10

No. 061: Poliwhirl

Little baby frog wanna be just like his big daddy frog when he grow up.

Whenever Poliwhirl gets brought up, it seems like no one can shut the hell up about how his spiral pattern is now swirling to the right, or the the left, or whatever, instead of the way it goes when he's a Poliwag, but frankly I don't give a shit about that kind of crap.

I'd much rather talk about how Poliwhirl loves to punch things. He put on those special gloves just so that he could punch and punch to his heart's content. He lives for the punching. He is punching.

It really makes me sad that he doesn't pick up the fighting type until his next evolution, because Poliwhirl was clearly made to punch.

Aside from that, Poliwhirl just works. He's something like a frog, but without the tongue gimmick, and with a penchant for punching as I mentioned earlier. Also, he's blue, which is always a good color for a water pokemon. When they aren't blue, people get confused.

Overall: 10/10

No. 060: Poliwag

What do little baby frog wanna be when he grow up, man?

As far as first-stage pokemon go, Poliwag's alright. He's not great, but certainly not bad.

I like the inclusion of the spiral, it makes it much more unique than just a regular tadpole-thing.

Also I really like the idea of Poliwag slapping the shit out of something with its tail.

Overall: 6/10

No. 059: Arcanine

unf why are all fire types so awesome

Seriously, all the 1st gen fire types are at least great, and most are awesome.

Arcanine is no exception. He is a bigger, more majestic Growlithe, and he runs fast like the wind apparently.

Also, he is called the Legendary Pokemon, in the same way that Pikachu is the Electric Mouse Pokemon. That made for some confusion about which pokemon were legendary and which weren't when I was young, but hey. The people who discovered him were all, "this guy is so amazing that lets put him up there with mewtwo and stuff okay guys", which I think we can all agree, was a GOOD DECISION.

There's not really much else to say, because everyone already loves Arcanine.

Overall: 10/10

No. 058: Growlithe

I once wrote a fanfic with a Growlithe named Sgt. Gruff McGrowl.

It was about pokemon if they were 1920's gangsters and cops. All I remember is that I only wrote one chapter, and I did my best to describe the pokemon so that you might not know they were pokemon. Like, Pikachu had "short yellow hair, big ears, and rosy cheeks" etc.

But I digress.

Growlithe is great. He looks like he could be an actual pet you would want to have, yet he doesn't look like any animal I've ever seen. He's also totally adorable. Look at him there, vigilant as hell, just waiting for his master to come home and feed him some dog food or something, I don't know.

Anyway, I would get a Growlithe if pokemon were real.

Overall: 10/10

No. 057: Primeape

Imagine Mankey, but cranked up to 11.

Primape is so pissed, he makes Mankey look positively mellow. Primeape is just one giant ball of livid, vein-bursting anger, and he is gonna take it out on someone.

However, at this point, he has lost the tail, and is now sporting iron shackles around his wrists and ankles, making him look less like a monkey and more like some sort of troll-thing.

And honestly, it's just not as interesting. Sorry, Primape, but I like my monkeys with tails. If you wanted to be a gorilla, you should've at least attempted to have gigantic arms or something.

Overall: 4/10

No. 056: Mankey

Get it, its like monkey, but with a different vowel?

Yeah, whatever.

Mankey is great, very original. If you asked someone to make a fighting monkey, they would probably just put a monkey in a karate belt and call it good.

Not the good folks at Gamefreak.

They took a monkey, ripped its limbs off, stuck them on a ball of fuzz, turned its toes into a claw thing, gave it cat ears, a pig nose, and made it permanently pissed off.

Genius.

Overall: 10/10

No. 055: Golduck

Okay, why is his name Golduck, when he isn't even golden.

Not even a little.

But Golduck is still a cool duck. He looks sleek and smooth, like he's wearing a wetsuit or something, as opposed to Psyduck's bulbous non-streamlined body. Golduck even has spikes on his head, some sort of duck claws, and then a jewel on his forehead that you just KNOW can shoot a beam.

At least, I think he can shoot a beam. Maybe he's like Gigan, and doesn't actually have any beam moves, but he totally looks like he does.

If Psyduck was the awkward loser character, who nobody really liked, then Golduck is his dramatic re-entry, after he's taken a level in badass, with maybe a sword and a cape, and that spiky anime hair with one lock hanging off in front.

In case you couldn't follow that metaphor, just remember this: Golduck is smooth and silky and badass.

Overall: 9/10

No. 054: Psyduck

Okay, why is his name Psyduck, when he isn't even a psychic type.

Not even a little.

And his gimmick is kinda lame, though he pulls it off well. "I act like I'm mentally impaired, but when I bonk my head I can do amazing things!" Which he goes and does, every time he's called out. It's a lame joke, and one that encourages kids to bonk their heads on things, but he does it well enough.

I guess I just feel that Psyduck is really, really, herp derpy. I mean, what sort of pokemon vonultarily learns amnesia? Isn't that usually a BAD thing? He doesn't fill me with rage, just kinda pity and aversion.

I almost feel bad for giving him a low score, but not that bad.

Overall: 3/10

No. 053: Persian

Man, why does pokemon do such bad cats?

It shouldn't be hard. Take a kitty, give it like lightning bolt whiskers, color it yellow, and call it a day. Or maybe give it like a third eye and call it Psychic Kitty.

But just taking a freaking cat and calling it a pokemon is lazy as hell. Also, notice the curled tail, reminiscent of Ratata. Evolutionary link? Either Persians and Ratata are actually decendednts of the same animal, making them evolutionary cousins, or else at some point a Persian and a Ratata had the sexy times. Either way, the historic cat/mouse feud is being disgraced.

Wait, what am I saying? Pokemon don't evolve like that! They came from space, where Arceus created them all in His own image!

You can tell its a slow day when having moot discussions about pokemon ancenstry is more interesting than discussing the actual pokemon at hand. Persian is boring.

Overall: 2/10

No. 052: Meowth

RIP Madeleine Blaustein.

Anyway, anime Meowth is much more interesting than game Meowth. Anime Meowth is the smartest member of team rocket, often coming up with their devious, if shallow, schemes. Actually, seeing as how they never work, maybe Meowth isn't as smart as we think. Huh.

Also, remember that episode where Meowth reveals his tragic past? That almost made me cry. He taught himself to speak English, out of love for another Meowth, but she didn't even want him! And he joined team rocket to change the world, because any other world must be better than the cruel world that rejected him! What a tragic figure.

However, that is like never brought up again. If Meowth gradually became more and more sympathetic, eventually transfering to the good guy side, then that would've been something. As it is, he just kinda kept on saying "Dat's right!"

Also, he is the cat in pokemon. He is an ugly cat. What the heck, Japan. Usually you never pass up a chance for a cute cat, but here you went ahead and did it.

I guess Meowth is just a lot of missed opportunities. Or should I say, oppurrtunities.

I hate myself for that.

Overall: 6/10

No. 051: Dugtrio

BOING! BOING! BOING! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

I guess their thinking was, "If you liked Diglett, you'll love three of them!"

Except that I don't. Dugtrio is lazy. Lazy lazy lazy. It doesn't even make any sense. Why can one Diglett turn into 3 Digletts close together? Why can't I just catch three Digletts and put them all in one pokeball, turning them into a Dugtrio? Why can't I add more and more Digletts, ad infinitum, until I end up with a super-mass of Digletts, Dugtropolis?

Also, Dugtrio raises even more unnerving questions about what it looks like under the surface. Interwtined snakes? One body? Three muscular men holding eachother close?

Dugtrio isn't horrible, just an example of lazy Japanese game designers.

Overall: 3/10

No. 050: Diglett

BOING! WHACK!

Just like whack-a-mole, eh?

Diglett freaking wins. I just love this little guy, possibly because he was the only pokemon I could draw reasonably well when I was in 1st Grade.

Seriously, taking the mole from whack-a-mole and turning it into a pokemon was genius.

A lingering mystery remains, however... Just what does Diglet look like underground?

A snake? A mole body? A buff guy? Unspeakable things? The world may never know...

Overall: 10/10

No. 049: Venomoth

Anyone remember Mothra?

Actually, Venomoth bears more resemplance to Battra than Mothra, honestly.

And we've already been over the evolution mix-up theory, so no need to cover that here.

Instead, I'll say that I actually like Venomoth's design. He looks buggy, but not ugly. I wish that he had better stats. However, if I had to choose one bug type, there are quite a few in line ahead of the big bug. sorry.

Not much to say besides that, the horns are cool, the color scheme is appropriate, the name is fine, he's a good pokemon. Just not a great one.

Overall: 7/10

No. 048: Venonat

Well, here's a fuzzy ball.

Venonat is alright, I guess. At least compared to the last two jokers.

But remember that thing about Butterfree?


Oh, how I hope the next post will be about a pokemon that actually looks like Venonat in any way!

But not all dreams can come true.

Overall: 4/10

No. 047: Parasect

More crap.

Paras doesn't get any better. Parasect looks even dumber, if that's even possible. It apparently just has one big old mushroom on its back, that it lives in like a shell maybe?

If these guys were like hermit crabs and were water/bug, that would be kinda okay I guess.

But as it is, they are useless little turds.

However, Parasect learns Spore, which puts opponents to sleep 100% of the time, which would be cool, if Parasect was able to do anything about it then. Or even move first. Spore is a good move, but when the pokemon is so bad, it doesn't really matter.

Overall: 1/10