No. 845: Cramorant

Poor thing was only created so it could deep-throat a Pikachu, and it knows it.

wait that sounds wrong - Cramorant has a gimmick where when it uses Dive, it emerges with a fish in its mouth, which it then spits at the opponent. That's kinda neat! But rarely, it'll emerge with a Pikachu in its mouth, which it also spits and causes paralysis. I question why Pikachu were diving deep enough to get scooped by mistake, but once you go there you have to question how it can use Dive at all in the middle of the desert, or why fish Pokemon can just hover in mid-air, and it's better to leave it alone.

Still, it's a Pokemon that was created around that gimmick, and that's all it has going for it. This seems to happen a lot with birds - Delibird, Chatot, Oricorio, etc. I'd feel bad for them, but I'm clinically incapable of feeling empathy towards birds.

Overall: 3/10

No. 844: Sandaconda

big ups to Lucky Star

Sandaconda is slightly cool - even though I dogged on Silicobra for sneezing his attacks, Sandaconda looks like a double-barreled shotgun or something. I'm into it. Reminds me of Mr. 4's dog, from the Alabasta arc of One piece.

But once you get past that, there's so much going wrong here. The whole damn snake is backwards, how can it possible move in any direction but roll sideways like this? it's coiled like a spring, but never does anything with that implied elastic tension. It just sits there and sneezes at you.

I dunno, this seems like one of those Pokemon that are just unfortunate. Whether it be Darwin or Arceus, they've evolved into a being that can't possibly function and only exists to suffer for our amusement.

Overall: 2/10

No. 843: Silicobra

guess who's back

   

Silicobra reminds me of a Yo-kai Watch monster. I think it's the eyes. Not in a distractingly bad way, but I'm just saying.

Like Tepig, this one shoots stuff out its nose. I never know what to think about this, cuz I feel like nose-sand would be grosser than if it shot it out of its mouth like a normal freak of nature. But maybe it doesn't matter much in the end? It's still sand (or Fire, in the case of Tepig). It doesn't gain the Snot Element.

But still, use a tissue, yo. Especially these days.

Overall: 4/10

EVEN MORE BETAMONS

GOD DAMN


Thanks to an enormous leak of Nintendo beta builds, they uncovered even MORE beta Pokemon, from an early version of Diamond/Pearl. Unlike the past leaks, hardly any of these are "new" Pokemon - just early designs, or unfinished sprites. Can you guess who everybody here is supposed to be? (shouldn't be that hard)

At this rate, they're discovering new Pokemon faster than I can review the existing canonical ones. That's worrying.

No. 842: Appletun

Nothing more American than apple pie!

Truly the superior Applin evolution, on account of not looking like dogshit, is Appletun. Its ears are actually its eyes, which is weird but kinda fun. I like how "fairy tale" it looks, like something out of a Mother Goose rhyme. And maybe its the pie connection, but Appletun reminds me of Treetrunks from Adventure Time?

I only wish it were a lot bigger, being just the size of a pie itself makes sense but as with all broad, comfy Pokemon, I wish to ride upon them. Just imagine taking a nap on a soft piecrust bed, with that sweet warm smell around you.


Overall: 7/10

No. 841: Flapple

shout-outs to Bakugan

Your Applin finally evolved, and if you're playing Sword then you got this freaky bitch, frantically flapping its wings to stay afloat. I wonder if this concept started as a Dragon who's caught in its shell, but then instead of building the rest of its evolutions they just re-worked it into a possible end for the Applin line. I just find it hard to believe that they had SO MANY good ideas for "apple Pokemon" that they couldn't choose and decided to include both Flapple and Appletun in the game.

Like, maybe if there was another form from here? some sort of cool apple-themed dragon? But this is lowkey insulting as a final evolution.


Overall: 2/10

No. 840: Applin

this is just an Earthbound enemy

There's an alarming number of Dragon pokemon that are really biologically closer to worms. I mean it's just the Goomy line and now this, but that's still about 2 more than I really think should exist.

I know it has this typing for its future forms, but we'll get there. Right now, I just gotta say that no apple has ever looked as delicious as the ones you throw in Pokemon Snap. Shoutouts to the new game coming soon, I can't wait. I hope they include more routes, and ways to upload your photos online to compare with others, and make your own scrapbooks, and of course a ton of new Pokemon, and multiplayer games where you both sit in the "car" and take your best pics like a safari cruise at Disneyworld, and... oh right, this is about Applin.

I don't know, it's a silly little worm in an apple. I guess that's cool. But not really.


Overall: 4/10

No. 839: Coalossal

I fought this guy in Banjo-Tooie

I guess we're done being a speedy wheel, or crazy kart, and it's time to go Full Rhydon. Look, it is what it is. I don't get it either. The last two were kinda dumb, but in a fun way that could be building to something really cool. But Coalossal is... not that.

I mean, for a hunka hunka burnin' kaiju, he's not bad. Beefy boy with a badass head, I love to see the return of the oldschool angry-eyes, and that glowing furnace of a mouth is wonderful. But you know what still scuttles the whole design?


That Marge Simpson hair pile of embers on his head. It's silly enough that Carkol doesn't lose his entire shit when he zips around, but Coalossal is so much more vertical, and walks with the grace of a washing machine. No WAY that coal stack would remain in a perfect pyramid, or wobble around like a tower of jelly.

Honestly, the artwork tones it down a lot and makes it more reasonable. But the in-game model is just... preposterous. Unbalances the design in an awful way.


Overall: 4/10

No. 838: Carkol

I am speed.

Rock/Fire minecart coal Pokemon is a good idea! but holy shit I cannot stop laughing looking at Carkol's face. His eyes are all the way peeled back like he set the thrusters to Ludicrous Speed, my man is dropping coal left and right. He's gonna arrive at the destination freaking empty, especially since his "wheels" aren't even close to round. If this Pokemon existed in real life, Darwin himself would've performed the mercy kill.

but... somehow I can't bring myself to hate Carkol. Maybe it's the way you meet him actually travelling the tracks in the mines, in a rare example of Pokemon placed organically into their environment. Or maybe it's just the cool way he glows up before he attacks.

This is the sort of goofy dude I usually despite, but somehow there is room in my heart for Yung King Cole.

Overall: 5/10

No. 837: Rolycoly

Wear a mask, kids. That's all I'm gonna say.

But let's try to get back on track with this indeterminate lump. Thank God I know what the 3D model looks like, or I would have severe difficulty parsing this artwork. It looks like a Voltorb after he blew up, and lost an eyeball. Now he's sad.

However, with the context of the next evolutions, I think that's supposed to be an angry eye instead, and in fact is his entire head. Dude zooms around on a unicycle wheel, getting soot everywhere and ruining everything.

I think we need more cyclopses (cyclopes?) in Pokemon, though, so I'll give Rolycoly the benefit of the doubt. Also his name is fun to say.


Overall: 5/10