No. 137: Porygon

hoo boy.

Here's another Pokemon I don't think I'm really equipped to handle.

~Porygon was created by a computer, it is a virtual Pokemon. okay.

~And now it is in real life. um, not okay. We're only two points down and I'm already losing it.

~The technology sucked, so it was made with N64 graphics. no, not okay at all. If they can create virtual beings and teleport matter, why can't they do better than N64 graphics.

~Porygon can go into the computer and mess things up there, and ride around on the wires and shit, because that's what "virtual" means, right? NO. NO THAT IS NOT OKAY IN THE SLIGHTEST.

~Porygon gave like 350 Japanese kids seizures. Look, just screw this.

I don't even know what to believe. How in the hell did they make a shitty-ass computer model come to life. They literally created life. You can breed a Porygon. Professor Oak is laughing in the face of God. This can't end well.

seriously, how the SHIT does that even work?! it's not like it's a hologram. It is a physical being made out of Javascript. If it was a robot, that would be worrying, but acceptable. But this is just too much for me. It is living data. That can breed. Oh god does that mean it even has a polygonal-

I think I have to lie down.

Overall: N / 64

No. 136: Flareon

and now for possibly another Eeveelution??

Flareon I think looks the most like Eevee. It has the same tufts of fur and the same ears and the same body shape, only it's red and firey.

And I have to give them credit for being creative here: it isn't actually on fire, like most fire Pokemon, but the tufts of fur are shaped so that they suggest fire. Like, if it was only a line drawing, no color, I wouldn't know if it was fire or fur.

Also, just love this first Eeveelution set's names. They all work really well. Unlike some others... Leafeon... pshh...

Overall: 7/10

No. 135: Jolteon

And now for possibly my favorite Eeveelution

Jolteon is a badass bitch who doesn't care who knows.

I remember that the original Jolteon holofoil card was like the first holofoil I drew from a pack.

Actually, that's from the Jungle set. How'd I draw that one first? I must be making things up. Or maybe I just had shitty luck with the original boosters, and then maybe drew it on my first pack of Jungle? also I have two holofoil Blastoise I drew from Boosters. Never a Charizard, but two Blastoise is almost as good.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, Jolteon.

Listen: Jolteon has spiky fur and shit, and he's got an attitude. I can't really focus on Jolteon right now, because I'm getting all nostalgiac for those orignal booster packs...

But trust me, Jolteon's cool.

Overall: 8/10

No. 134: Vaporeon

and now for possibly my least favorite Eeveelution

But that doesn't mean Vaporeon is horrible. Just... a little too finny for my taste.

Would she have scales, or like an amphibian-style coat? Because it's sure as hell not fur.

Also I don't get why Acid Armor is an attack. What does acid have to do with turning into water and raising your Sp. Def.

Overall: 5/10

No. 133: Eevee

palindromes are cool!

Eevee, aside from constantly complicating the oral explanation of the intricacies of raising a pokemon properly, is good times.

It's basically the cutest little shit I've ever seen, and then it has a neat gimmick of being capable of evolving into one of many different forms.

We'll get to those forms later, but Eevee is just a cute little fox that I would totally own if it were real and pet it and feed it and treat it like a kitten.

There might be a cuter Pokemon out there than Eevee, but I don't think so. For me, this is just about the peak of cuteness. Like, this is Hello Kitty on Krack for Kidz.

Overall: 10/10

No. 132: Ditto

No, it's not silly putty. You can't eat it.

Ditto has a cool gimmick, and it works pretty well. That is, if your Ditto has a higher HP stat than the opposing Pokemon. And Ditto doesn't take a hit transforming. And you can win your speed ties.

So actually Transform sucks in battle, but it's still hella cool.

But the most useful ability of Ditto is that it can breed with any pokemon that can produce eggs. Want a baby Charmander? Have Charizard knock Ditto up. Want a baby Magnamite? Hell, Ditto can make that happen too, despite the fact that Magnemite have no gender and can't even mate with eachother as far as I know. And waitaminute, Ditto takes the exact form of another Pokemon, right?

So if you tell it to mate with a male, then it'll have to turn into a male, right? So how does that even work? Or maybe Ditto doesn't take the shape at all. I mean, who doesn't like sex jelly? Maybe Ditto just oils up your Pokemon, and that attracts a mate, and the Ditto facilitates conception.

Or at least, egg-happening.

Since I've never seen a pregnant Pokemon.

Where do those eggs come from, anyway? The day-care people always seem so surprised to find them, and it took scientists like 5 years to figure out that Pokemon even have babies at all.

Children's collectable battling monster video game, I doubt the verisimilitude of your procreation biology!

Overall: 6/10

No. 131: Lapras

behold, the My Little Pony of Pokemon.

Seriously, Lapras has to be in the running for biggest, dewiest eyes on a pokemon. I'm sure all the girls love Lapras, because it looks a little bit like a horse, is pretty, and you can ride it.

Hey, what was up with every pokemon turning into a Lapras when it used surf in the old games? That was whack. Now they just turn into a shadowy Wailmer or something, I don't know.

but anyway, Lapras is alright. Got nuthin' against her. She's a Water/ice type, which is to say she's every Ice-type in the first generation, but it's still not a bad combo, and makes ense for her looks.

Lapras is some sort of plesiosaur, yeah? With a shell. That's awesome. Also I like the curly ear/horn things.

Just - just quit giving me that over-the-shoulder look with those eyes, Lapras. It's making me uncomfortable when I ride you.

Overall: 8/10

No. 130: Gyarados

Here's the biggest Pokemon cinderella story of them all, and he's got his crystal hydro-pumps on, and he's riding in an ultraball carriage. He's gonna do his very best to be the boss of the ball, and screw everyone. If he's not back by midnight, basically you're all still screwed.

When Gyarados comes into town, you'd best back the hell away. This mean son of a bitch will mess you up BIG time.

He's basically a sea serpant. Actually, no. He flat out IS A SEA SERPANT.

the thing is, though, his typing. Water/flying? really? I mean, I know they did it only to give him a freaking x4 weakness to electric, because otherwise he would be unkillable, but it just seems wrong. He can't learn any flying moves. He learns a shit ton of dragon-type moves. But oh lawdy, if Gyarados was Water/dragon. He would wreck everyone's shit, no doubt. Even more than he already does.

But I don't find Gyarados overpowered and un-fun like Alakazam. Because you have to work with a Magikarp to get a Gyarados. I guess you could kinda cheat and catch a level 19 Magikarp, and then just slog through one level, but it's still more work than having a Kadabra, teaching it psychic, and then trade-evolving it into godhood.

Also, remember Red Gyarados from the Lake of Rage? I didn't even know what a shiny was when I first played the game. Now that I do, it's still one of two shinies I've ever had.

so yeah, so sum up: Gyarados is an unstoppable beast of a Pokemon, and he remembers all the shit you gave him when he was a Magikarp. Don't run, you'll only die tired.

Overall: 10/10

No. 129: Magikarp

also known as Koiking in Japan, which is a pretty good name actually.

Now, here's the thing: Magikarp is a horrible Pokemon in the sense of "he only learns splash and maybe tackle and has the worst stats I've ever seen on something that wasn't a cadaver."

But he's also awesome in the "this is the story of an underdog who will grow up to fight against his destiny and change into a raging god-beast of war."

but he also sucks in the sense of "he looks stupid, and I don't even want to see him in the wild, because he gives like no exp, making fighting a Magikarp boring and pointless."

but he also makes me laugh in the sense of "hahaha oh man this fishman caught 6 Magikarp how did he use a Magikarp to catch another Magikarp I have no idea but this man is going to go ALL THE WAY with his team of Magikarp."

and he's also amazing in the sense of "holy freaking shit I just ran into a level 87 Magikarp I didn't know that was possible."


So in the end, I want to give Magikarp points for being the poster-child for late bloomers and for being generally hilarious, but I also want to take away points for being useless, weak, stupid, and looking like a pile of magi-CRAP.

Let's call it a draw.

Overall: 5/10

No. 128: Tauros

Not like the car

Tauros is an example of a Pokemon that they didn't take far enough. He's a bull. With three tails.

That's it.

They could've given him giant badass horns, or more legs, or made him be made of FIRE or something badass, but he's just a bull. With three tails.

I can't get excited about that, yo.

Overall: 4/10

No. 127: Pinsir

Why isn't this one bug/fighting.

Pinsir is my boy. Love this guy.

He doesn't evolve, and he doesn't need to. He is Pinsir. He will mess you up no matter what. This is the guy who has a move called Guillotine. That's right, like the French Goddamn Revolution. That is a move that literally kills Pokemon. I think I once saw a Pinsir cut a Metapod in freaking half. IN HALF!!

Hopy Shit I don't think that there is any Pokemon more badass than Pinsir. There are those at his level, but none above. I don't think.

Did you know that in Japan they have fighting beetles? yeah, it's a thing. Pinsir is like the demon-spawn of countless bug warrior spirits combining into one fully sentient, fully ready to kick your ass bug harbinger of suplexes.

Overall: 10/10

No. 126: Magmar

Did he steal Charmander's tail?

Pthwa-ha-ha-ha! I'm sorry, but Magmar just looks kinda derpy sometimes, you know? He's in the same boat as Electabuzz - they just threw things together. A duck's bill, a tail like Charmander, spiky forearms, and a color scheme that speaks of Espana's Football glories.

Espana Football = Spanish Soccer.

Now you learned something.

But whatever. Unlike Electabuzz, I think it kinda works. Magmar looks like he's melting a little bit, which is a unique style. Also, fire types are just all amazing beasts. At least in the first gen.

Also, it helps that Magmar is more concerned with special attacks than Electabuzz is. Normal atk doesn't help an electric type, idiot. But a fire type with a bitchin' SP atk? Now we're talking.

Magmar is the kind of like this fat badass who waddles around being a boss.

Overall: 10/10

No. 125: Electabuzz

Electablablabalbalbalbalbal!!

I think Electabuzz is supposed to be some sort of gorilla. Type. Thing.

seriously, what the hell is he!? He's got a striped tail like a cat, the arms of a gorilla, the coloring of the pittsburg steelers, and horns and spikes on his head like an alien!

Whatever, he's still pretty cool. I think I like how just batshit insane he looks. He looks like he doesn't even afraid of anything. He'll break your arms and electrocute your house just because he's hungry.

That's both a good and bad thing.

Overall: 7/10

No. 124: Jynx

yeah this is a weird one

Jynx creeps me out. The boobs, the lips, the bleached hair, everything.

Originally, Jynx had a completely black face, but people got upset, so they changed it to dark purple, which makes it less racist, but just as mind-searingly terrifying.

Also, ice/phsychic what the hell? That's such a random type. The Psychic is kind of the go-to type for when they make something really strange and have no idea what to do with it, but why Ice type? There's nothing about Jynx that suggests Ice. Nothing. And why does Sweet Kiss put people to sleep? That's just messed up.

Jynx makes no sense, and is probably going to scare some children.


Overall: 1/10

No. 123: Scyther

Do I even have to tell you how awesome Scyther is?

Probably now, but I will anyway. He is so amazing.

I wish he had better stats, but even without that, he is still amazing. This is one of the great bug Pokemon who make me forget all the shitty bug Pokemon.

But Scyther takes the Pokemon Formula and makes it work.
1. take a base: mantis
2. make is different: cross it with a dinosaur
3. add something badass: make the armor more spiky, convert the claws to blades

Seriously, everything about Scyther works. He is a badass beyond belief.

Overall: 10/10

No. 122: Mr. Mime

:|

:/

:O

:P

:(

O_o


-_____-


:\

get it? I was miming.

Overall: 4/10

No. 121: Starmie

One of the most underrated Pokemon of all time.

Starmie is not a bad Pokemon in any regard. It has fine to good stats in every category, and can learn a lot of moves like Surf, Phychic, Ice Beam, and Thunderbolt. Just that moveset alone can sweep most of the in-game trainers.

And since it gained a psychic sub-type, the whole "spinning means flying" thing is resolved. It's telekinesis now!

Basically, I didn't like Starmie, but then I remembered that Starmie is awesome and now I would totally put it in my team and re-play platinum. And also Starmie has all the cool looks of Staryu, but with more spikes. Remember, spikes are a criterea on which I judge.

Overall: 10/10

No. 120: Staryu

It's everyone's favorite starfish!

No, not Patrick. Staryu, bitches!

I like how Staryu doesn't even look alive. It totally looks like some sort of alien technology or something. Wasn't its original card in cgi?

Yeah, thought so. Man, this is making me nostalgic for the N64. Wait, did that say it can regenerate limbs!? badass.

anyway, Staryu is kinda cool, although I don't understand why it can fly. But spinning? That doesn't make things fly. Not all the time.

But the red jewel is cool, I liked how it went out when Staryu gets KO'd.

but one more thing: why does Stary go "hyah!" when they call him out? That's not even close to "Staryu".

Overall: 7/10

No. 119: Seaking

FUCK YEAH SEAKING

If you notice, I try to avoid the f-bomb, so that it retains its full effect. This is a time when it is highly appropriate.

anyway, Seaking is a memetic badass, and totaly props to him on that regard. I just love it.

But when I actually think about it, Seaking kinda sucks. He's a big fat fish with a bigger horn.

I know, I know, that's not how you're supposed to treat memetic badasses. It's like saying that Mudkips aren't actually that interesting at all. But it's how I feel.


Meme Seaking: 9001/10

Actual Seaking Overall: 3/10

No. 118: Goldeen

Speaking of shitty little fish...

Goldeen is absolutely worthless. As a Pokemon, she's sub-par. In the anime, she was only used when Misty needed a ride in the water, but all of Misty's Pokemon know surf, so that's not a big accomplishment. And in Smash Bros, getting a Goldeen in a Pokeball is the definition of FAIL.

Goldeen is just literally a goldfish with a tiny horn on its head. And lips.

Now that I think about it, why did they choose Goldeen at the failure Pokemon in Smash Bros? Wouldn't Magikarp fit better? And even when Goldeen flops itself into the water, even in Brawl where the water is swimmable, she still does nothing. Magikarp at least could've evolved into a Gyarados or something when you knock it into the water, just like in the anime. But Goldeen is just so useless she doesn't do jack shit.

A complete waste of a Pokeball, and the first truly horrible Pokemon in a while.

Overall: 1/10

No. 117: Seadra

Here's another permanently pissed Pokemon.

Seadra is actually pretty badass for a seahorse. I like his scaly belly, it's unique. But moreover, he just looks spiky and dangerous. He looks like a logical progression from cute starter to cool angry middle form.

Also, he looks fast to me. Does he look fast to you? He does to me. He looks like he hold some sort of freaking water-speed-records or something. Unlike some other water Pokemon, who look about as areodynamic as thanksgiving turkey.

wait, looking at him again, I'm not so sure he's pissed. It just looks like he has droopy eyelids. Genetic disorder? sleepy? whatever, still cool.

Overall: 8/10

No. 116: Horsea

It's been a while since we had a pure "cute" pokemon, huh?

And Horsea delivers. Cute as a button, and about as much use in a battle.

Not much else to say, except that Horsea shooting ink makes no sense. Seahorses don't shoot ink. Octopusses and squids do. But whenever you see a Horsea, it's shooting ink left and right with nary a care.

Those cleaning bills ain't cute, ain't they!?

Overall: 6/10

No. 115: Kangaskhan

We've been over the Cubone thing, right?

I like Kangaskhan, if only because they are portrayed at total badasses in the anime. Whenever one shows up, everybody has to start tiptoe-ing around to avoid pissing it off, but they do, and then it wrecks everyone's shit.

Also, if there ever was a Pokemon that needed a pre-evo, this is it. I really don't understand why they haven't made one yet, it would basically just be that baby Kangaskhan.

but wait, that's a seperate entity, yeah? So how can you catch both in the same pokeball? Does that mean the baby is actually a growth, or some sort of clever lure or something? Because if a pokeball can capture two Pokemon who just happen to be really close together, why can't I tie a bunch of Zubat together and then catch them all, then release them as a giant swarm of bats?

Overall: 7/10