Gen 7 Roundup, October plans, and beyond

Here we are again, where the sidewalk ends. No more Pokemon to review. We've walked until the road ran out, before us only sand.

Well, that's not quite true. USUM is adding two new Ultra Beasts, and a couple shitty new Forms, and I guess there's the possibility it has more secrets still unrevealed. So I'll hold off on my usual summary, favorites, least favorites, and that jazz until the game releases in November. I doubt that the few new additions could really sway my overall opinion, but things like this are worth doing properly. I can tell you right now the math is looking very favorable.

Then, of course there's the Gym Leaders and Elite Four members, as well as Team Skull (and Aether) to review. And don't get me wrong, I'm gonna review the bejesus out of them, but I've actually got something special planned for October. What, exactly, you may ask?

You'll just have to stay tuned...

Alolan Marowak

Like any good luau, they save the fire dancer for the end.

Okay, I'll be upfront about it - it's super dumb that you have to wait until the Move Tutor to learn Shadow Bone, Alolan Marowak's signature move and only Physical Ghost STAB move. It's also kinda limited for Fire moves, too - you'll be using Flame Charge until the endgame, because by the time you reach that Move Tutor to remember Flame Wheel, you'll probably be able to learn Flare Blitz anyway. Or I guess Flamethrower, but why wouldn't you make use of Alolan Marowak's gnarly Physical Attack? Assuming you're holding Bone Club, of course.

Anyway, suffice to say, Gamefreak did not plan things out very well. They screwed up with Abra and Kadabra, too - Kadabra is supposed to learn Confusion when it reaches level 16 (that is to say, right after evolving from Abra at level 16), but instead they made it learn Kinesis instead, a thoroughly useless move, and Kadabra is stuck with no offensive moves at all until Psybeam. Alolan Marowak I think fell through the cracks in a similar manner - it really should've just learned Shadow Bone upon evolution.

With that nasty business aside, I can talk about how much I gosh darn love this Pokemon. I've always wanted Cubone and Marowak to have some sort of Ghost moves, since they wear skulls and throw bones and all. And a fire dancer is thematically appropriate for the Hawaiian region. Combine the two and you've got a Pokemon that is not only right up my alley, it's signed, sealed, and delivered straight to my doorstep.

Oh, not to mention the ghost-flames, which actually look great animated! And then the lil' bone print on his back, like he's wearing one of those skeleton pajama suits! There's nothing about Alolan Marowak's design that I don't love.

So here's the quandary - can I in good faith give this little badass, this Polynesian Prometheus, this graveyard Maui, a perfect score? Even though it's a pain to get him the moves he needs to really come into his own? Hell the frick yeah, I can. This is my blog, I answer to no one. Alolan Marowak rocks.


Overall:  7/10 -> 10/10

Alolan Exeggutor

long pokemon is long

I think it's been established now that when it comes to humor, Gamefreak and I aren't often on the same page. For my part, while I can appreciate a silly design or pun, that wears thin very quickly when I have to constantly send it out into battle. A joke depends on the initial shock, and seeing Alolan Exeggutor's Manute Bol-lookin' ass over and over doesn't make it any funnier.

The boy is tall. That's it, that's the joke. Everybody laugh, now! Remember to keep laughing! No, we didn't think through the design any more than that! He looks as out of place among all the other Pokemon as one vertical video among a bunch of proper horizontal ones. (side note: what sort of deranged sociopath shoots vertical videos, anyway? Human eyes are arranged side-by-side, not one on top of the other. When I see someone do a pan around their backyard with their phone held vertically, instead of simply turning that phone 90 degrees and getting the entire scene they wanted in the shot at once, I want to strangle some one. Anyway.)

Oh, and he's also got a tail with another head on it, because why the hell not. Dragon-type, too. Do you see anything draconic about this walking wooden Burj Khalifa? I don't. But I guess it's another little joke, like Mega Ampharos. Oh, the fun we have~

I mean, I have to admit I enjoyed all the jokes and memes people made about it when it was released, so it was good in that way. But I honestly don't like the proportions - I'm aware of what actual palm trees look like, I lived on Hawai'i, but I think regular Exeggutor does a fine job of abstracting that concept down into a fun monster design. This Tall & Slim Edition wasn't needed at all.

 

Alolan Muk

High above the mucky-muck / castle made of clouds...

Definitely the hidden gem of my Sun playthrough, which is pretty appropriate. A diamond, hidden in the sludge. Though should I have been so surprised, given how much I already liked regular Muk? I guess I just wasn't liking the rainbow texture. I get that it's like an oil slick, but...

Then, I saw it animated, and my opinion did a 360 degree turn and moonwalked in the opposite direction. The way the colors shift and run through its goopy mass is mesmerizing, the sort of quality that I've come to not expect from Gamefreak. And the bits of rubble make a convincing set of teeth and fangs, moving far beyond the hippo stylings of his predecessor.

I love this big oopy-galoopy, runny ice cream, oobleck-lookin', Super Mario Sunshine extra, BP spill, ecology-destroying bastard.


Overall: 9/10 -> 10/10

Alolan Grimer

make it your mission to be as excited about anything as Alolan Grimer is about life

Dude is livin' it up in paradise, got himself a nice green tan, grew some teeth, and his lower lips is stained with mai tai juice.

But honestly, I'm not sure it's a good look for him. It's the lip that's throwing me, mainly. I don't mind the green coloring, that's a neutral side-movement, but why is one bit of him green? That and the teeth give him a hippo-like appearance, which doesn't seem intentional since it doesn't play into anything else he has going on.

Those buck-teeth are adorable, tho. And adding a Dark subtype makes him more useful in-game. But I can't support a yellow chinstrap beard like that.


Overall: 6/10 -> 5/10

Alolan Golem

We can all agree that Alolan Golem is just fun to say, right? Alolan Golem Alolan Golem Alolan Golem

Alolan Golem continues the proud trend of vanilla Golem by having almost nothing to do with his predecessors. Instead of being basically magnetic throughout, he's got a freaking railgun mounted on his back instead. So sure, there's a theme of magnetism going, but now those weird golden nuggets are lining the barrel? And the iron fibers form a beard?

It's almost cool, it almost works. But that railgun looks like it was put together by Fred Flintstone or something. And what the HELL is up with his arms and legs!? They're stubbier and less-detailed than regular Golem! Did they just forget to reference the orignal, or simplify things for the sake of an easier model? I can buy that his arms aren't needed since he can blast the shit out of stuff with his railgun, but why on earth did his toes just turn into mittens? Perhaps its related to how Alolan Geodude has mitten-hands.

In the end, I think Alolan Golem has a much cooler concept than his classic counterpart, but as has been the theme with this line, screws up the execution.


Overall: 3/10 -> 2/10

Alolan Graveler

just gross

Alolan Graveler looks like a piece of chewed candy that falls out of your mouth and under the couch, then you recover it a month later and it's picked up a small ecosystem of gunk and junk. I guess the black parts are iron shavings that get attracted to it and the yellow bits are gems that grew from within, but they look like arm-hair and a unibrow, and puss-filled warts, respectively.

What's frustrating is that there exists something called a thunder egg - a stone that, when cracked open, reveals a beautiful crystal growing inside. They could've run with that theme, for an electrified version of a Rock Pokemon. But instead, it just sort of looks the same, but picks up crap like a diseased katamari.

And let's not even talk about how once again Graveler has a second pair of atrophied, vestigial arms that disappear immediately in the 3rd form, as if we were never supposed to notice them to begin with.


Overall: 5/10 -> 2/10

Alolan Geodude

thick eyebrows = martial arts prowess, it's confirmed

I've wanted a Rock/Electric type for a while. Honestly I sort of wish Nosepass and Probopass had gone that route if it was supposed to be magnetic, instead of Rock/Steel and bizarrely hairy. So already I'm into this on a concept level.

But the two-tone rocks remind me of Mega Aerodactyl in a bad way. I get that they're like the magnetic filaments or whatever coming to the surface, but I'd like it more if the whole guy was a single hunk of magnetic rock. Still, the typing is worlds better than the redundancy of Rock/Ground. But it had the potential to really elevate itself. Speaking of elevation, Geodude now has an excuse for why it levitates (magnets n shit), yet still lacks the Levitation ability and takes 4x Ground damage... one step forward, one step back.

but did you notice he's got mitten hands now? That's not even a positive or negative change, just - why? Being magnetic means your fingers fuse together now? Did someone forget to add the lines? is it like wearing thick insulated gloves to deal with electrical situations? Less fingers = simpler to model???


Overall: 4/10 -> 5/10

Alolan Dugtrio

You know, Japan, tanned people don't HAVE to have blonde hair.

Now I understand that the pointless Alolan Diglett was just an excuse to get to this. And don't get me wrong, I get the joke, I'm laughing - a trio of gyaru Digletts IS funny, isn't it?

[pause for laughter]

With that out of the way, screw this. Dumb ass Dugtrios in wigs, what the heck, yo. I almost want to give it points for being so-bad-its-good, but honestly I feel insulted. This is even worse than that time Mega Ampharos was just Ampharos with hair.


Overall: 3/10 -> 1/10

Alolan Diglett

wait, what's the difference?

Oh, I see. It's a shade darker, and has little hairs. And black dirt, which represents volcanic soil but of course that's stupid, because it's not a part of Diglett anyway, a regular Diglett in Alolan ground would kick up the same color dirt. And it shoulda been the famous Kaua'i Red Dirt if anything.

So other than those exceedingly small cosmetic changes, how is it different? Gained a Steel sub-type, so now it has even more weaknesses? Lost Arena Trap? Wow, what a great idea.

There's no way in which Alolan Diglett is better than regular Diglett, and those hairs are stupid. Well okay, they're not that stupid, remind me of a Yoshi's Island enemy, but it's all so pointless. If anything, I'd hope a remix of Diglett would reveal what's below the surface. Like make Alolan Diglet walk around above ground or something, wouldn't that be fun?

Nope, they just gave it a tan and glued a few muppet hairs to the top. What a waste.


Overall: 10/10 -> 3/10

Alolan Persian

Now where could my pipe be?

You know, I'm really glad I gave Persian a 2/10 way back then. It makes room for me to give this Heathcliff lookin' pancake-face piece of shit a lower score.

Yes, vanilla Persian was boring. But Alolan Persian is offensively ugly. The face doesn't belong on that body at all. Maybe if the guy was fat all around, it could work. But this marks the second time the Alolan Form has just been "the same thing, except Dark-type, and fatter". Oddly, the others have either been blonde-and-tanned, or frosty. Those are the only three ways we can re-imagine Pokemon, apparently.


Overall: 2/10 -> 1/10

Alolan Meowth

In Hawaiian, cats are called "popoki", from hearing the first white settlers cooing to their cats, "poor pussy~"


Like Alolan Ratatta, I would be okay with Alolan Meowth replacing the original. Normal types suck on an intrinsic level, so even though we already have a Dark type cat Pokemon, this is better.

I like his sassy attitude, something they perhaps took from the anime incarnation of Meowth. Wait, Game Theory: Anime Meowth came to alola and knocked up all the local Meowths, passing along his intense Sass genes, and since then they've grown up saucy and flippant. And, uh, purple-grey. Because... well it's not a perfect theory, alright!?


Overall: 6/10 -> 7/10

Alolan Ninetales

what if in the Alolan dialect they spell it "Ninetails"

Ninetales has always been a very cool, elegant, feminine Pokemon. And the Alolan version cranks that up, frosty hair flowing like when Elsa Lets it Go and her braid clips through her shoulder.

The addition of a Fairy subtype is interesting, and ties into how Ninetales has that vaguely supernatural stuff going on. I woulda accepted Ice/Ghost as well, but this works. I like the way the tails are all billowy, like mist or something.

Also, despite what the illustration shows, Alolan Ninetales is basically just all one color. It doesn't have clearly defined blue/white segments, it's just sort of all-white, but produces blue shadows like snow does. We have so many Pokemon with additional colored segments, even if it's just the belly, so it's nice to see someone rock the monochrome.


Overall: 9/10 -> 10/10