Beta No. 213: Puddi

Puddi Puddi!

Let's close out the year with a whimper, I suppose. Bangs are overrated. You all know the script by now.

This is Chinese knock-off Growlithe. The ears are all wrong, the hair tufts are made of synthetic polymers, and there's not a trace of the noble soul we all associate with Growlithe. Reminds me of those robotic Poo-chi toys, though somehow Puddi here came first.


Overall: 1/10

Beta No. 212: Hitmontop

oh what the fuck is this shit

I do not know what I'm looking at here. I see at least 5 things I could interpret as eyeballs. Maybe the colored artwork will make more sense?


Dear Lord.

ok, it makes more sense, but I still don't like what I'm seeing. Unlike the final Hitmontop, who is just doing a head-stand, this freak has "legs" on his head and an eyeball in his stomach, just spinning on a point while he "kicks" you with his ear-feet. It's horrible, this isn't martial arts at all, if my Gong evolved into this I would try to reverse time and do it all over again. Let's just forget this madness ever happened, okay?


Overall: 1/10

Beta No. 211: Gong

Tamogotchi lookin dude

Tyrogue only really looks like Hitmonchan. But was his beta equivalent any better? Well, he's kinda got boxing gloves, so that's a direct tie to Hitmonchan. But none of the Hitmons have ears like that, and he's not really looking Hitmonlee-ish in any way, so... lateral movement.


Evolutionary place aside, I dig this little dude. Much more than Tyrogue, who reminds me of the sort of skinny little kid who will attempt to start conversations about Minecraft with total strangers. But not Gong, Gong would punch strangers in the shins to bring them to their knees, then uppercut them in the jaw. He kicks ass.

Tyrogue and Gong both eat Lucky Charms for breakfast, but the different is that Gong doesn't take out the marshmallows and organize them by shape first.


Overall: 8/10

Beta No. 210: Octillery

WHY CAN'T WE HAVE NICE THINGS

OK, I can understand changing Remoraid, even if it totally ruins the design. But Octillery was just a goddamn tank, that should be kosher, right!? Why did they change this! It kicks 155mm of ass!

It's such a perfect design. The tentacles are curled to resemble wheels, like the Metal Slug tanks. At the same time, they're curled like fried octopus, often served in batter - "Takoyaki". And when you squish a takoyaki and see a bit of octopus poking out, it looks kinda like Octillery here. So it's more than just an octopus tank, which would be sick enough, there's a second layer of visual pun going on. I love it and will never forgive Gamefreak from denying us this wondrous creation.


Overall: 10/10

Beta No. 209: Remoraid

you know I keep that mf thang on me

Look at this early Remoraid! This makes SENSE! It's got a clear revolver barrel, trigger, hammer, and handle! It's a literal triggerfish, it looks like a damn GUN.


I suppose it was changed because the 4kids mentality of the time wouldn't allow the precious American children to see an image of a cartoon gun-fish in their video games. As if they aren't already awash in the violence on the news and in the movies. As if video-games contain the biggest gun-related threats to U.S. children.

*is just handed a news bulletin*

hm. the Columbine Massacre happened just months before Pokemon Gold & Silver released in Japan. um, that... explains things a bit. Well then.

(this Remoraid design is still much better, though!)


Overall: 8/10

Beta No. 208: Grimey

Elon Musk's girlfriend

Y'all, I am tired. I'm tired of having to pretend I have opinions about literal pieces of shit. Grimey sucks and I hate it. Tiny puddle of goop, just a wad of chewing gum. Throw it in the trash.

I barely even have the energy to point out that Grimey was likely supposed to have a round nose (or pacifier) instead of an open mouth with one tooth.

Merry Christmas, assholes.


Overall: 1/10

Beta No. 207: Turbann

Hey... that's not Shellder!

While I think every kid kinda wanted to see Slowbro's tail as its own Pokemon, that doesn't change the fact that the lore clearly states that Shellder bites Slowpoke's tail. So who the heck is this spiky bastard? A mutated Shellder? Or perhaps, the tail-biter slowly works its way up the rest of the Slowbro, consuming it entirely, and all that's left is the Turbann.

Dark lore aside, Turbann looks cool. And we don't have any turban-shell Pokemon, anyway. I say retcon the Shellder thing (which was weird because Slowpoke evolves by level anyway, even if you're nowhere near water), and introduce Turbann into the games! And give him his own evolution if you choose to not attach him to Slowpoke's ass, please.


Overall: 7/10

Beta No. 204: Minicorn

Can you really call it a "Minicorn" when it has no horn at all?

You know the pattern by now - another beta baby, another unwanted child, another "lets take an existing Pokemon and just make it smaller"


And for what it is, Minicorn is cute! If you drew a chibi Ponyta, this is what it would look like. I suppose I wouldn't mind Minicorn existing, so that puts it above a lot of its ilk, but it definitely does not need to exist either.


Overall: 5/10

Beta No. 203: Tripstar

ah, the mascot for the often-forgotten Team Three Star

Tripstar is the beta form of Ledian, and I think I know why it was upgraded. This guy just looks too much like Ledyba, it's hardly an evolution. And "Three Star Ladybug" sounds like a Yu-Gi-Oh card.


I appreciate that this artwork gives him little gloves in an attempt to beef up the design, but there's only so much you can do. Maybe if they wanted a mid-stage between Ledyba and Ledian? And carry the star-shaped spots over? There's potential... but it's definitely not being realized at the moment.


Overall: 3 stars (out of 10)

Beta No. 199: Politoed

I still can't believe Tentaquil was real, after all these years




of course, the colors are totally wrong, and the name as well. But I want to believe that a lucky Anon somehow had a prophetic vision of Pokemon that almost existed.


I don't dislike this design at all! It looks like a jolly, web-footed friend. And you know, there's a ton of blue frog Pokemon, but hardly any green ones aside from the actual Politoed himself, so I wouldn't mind seeing this design given its own line. At least beta-Politoed has the eye structures to fit in with the rest of the Poli-line, but it's still a wild deviant.


Overall: 7/10

Beta No. 198: Bellboyant

Sailor Moon called, she wants her cat back

well too bad, she's not getting her! Bellboyant is ALSO a very good cat that I wish was real.


You could say that it doesn't seem like much of an "evolution", or that its eyes are radically different. But I don't care. They perfected the Cat Pokemon way back in 1997, and spent the next 20 years mucking about with poor man's imitations. We could have been dining on the finest of feline designs, but we were denied.


Overall: 10/10

Beta No. 197: Rinring

let's keep this cat train a'rolling, shall we?

I'm legitimately angry that Rinring didn't make it into the final game. I understand if they thought they already had a cat in Meowth, but Rinring is SO MUCH BETTER. In fact, better than any of the subsequent kitties they've developed - though it's not hard to be better than Glameow and Purrugly. I'd say Rinring and its evolution trump Purrloin, Espurr, Skitty, Meowstic, Litten, Velazquez, Monster Mash, Zoomacroom, Tony the Shrimp, Facer, Yellow, Otter Pop, the lot of 'em!


It's funny how often kittens are associated with bells in Japan. Not that nobody puts bells on their cats elsewhere, but how often do you see that as part of the generic Cartoon Cat Ensemble, right? Meanwhile, Japan brings out the catgirls with bells on. Rinring is hella cute and they need to make it canon!


Overall: 10/10

Beta No. 196: Mewosy

*insert Mario coin sfx*

Now, don't freak out on me... but I think I actually like this baby, for once. And it's not like Meowth needed a prevolution, but I just like cats and think this design is super cute.

Levitating coins in the air (throwing them?) is weird, but neat. And I love its sleepy eyes. Reminds me that I wish Persian was more of a cartoon cat than a realistic one. Can we just get a do-over for that whole line, with Meowsy -> Meowth -> Meowmers, where Meowmers is a big fat cat just throwing poke-dollars all over the place, really making it rain on them poke-hoes?


Overall: 8/10

Beta No. 194: Girafarig

straight outta Dr. Doolittle


Between these two and Rayleep (beta-Mantine), there must been one guy at Gamefreak who thought it would be the coolest thing if you saw an entirely different image of the Pokemon from the front or the back. I bet he went on to design Mawile, too.


And I like this design MUCH more than what we got. Fully mirroring the halves is more interesting than just having a weird bitey tail, and it makes the palindrome name make more sense, too. I wonder why they changed this one? The weirdness about Twinz aside, this is just a solid design. Did the "evil" one scare kids so they removed it?


Overall: 8/10

Beta No. 193: Twinz

oh shit, now there's TWO of them

You'd be forgiven for thinking these guys are some sort of weird Haunter variation. They also look a bit like that Ghost haunting Lavender Tower. But amazingly they aren't intended to be either - this is a Girafarig prevolution, of all things!


Crazy, right? It seems like a reach, but it'll make a bit more sense once you see what they had planned for Girafarig tomorrow.

And while I think cutting Twinz was a good move (due to them not being goddamn giraffes in the slightest), I admit I like the look of them. Just not their intended function. Again, as like a variant evolution of Haunter, this is a cool design! And I love the personality that artwork gives them. Two rowdy ghost boys, ready for some catdog-style shenanigans.


Overall: 7/10

Beta No. 191: Trunpet

I would pay upwards of $30 to NOT see that new Dumbo remake.


Hey, remember Phanpy? Well, here is is except slightly different!


But, I thought it was different enough to be worth covering.



uh...

it's a lil' elephant, that's for sure.






okay, maybe this one wasn't worth doing...


Overall: 5/10

Beta No. 190: Sunee

You idiot! In this world, it's kill or BE killed.


Sunflora was originally going to be a stand-alone Pokemon, and Grass/Psychic. They eventually decided to give it a prevolution, make it stay purely Grass-type, and let it walk around. Since Sunflora ended up fairly lame anyway, I can't say they did the right thing.


Of course, as I ranted about in the past, inventing a Light type would have fit like a glove on Sunee. Or retroactively giving it Grass/Fairy would have been an attempt. ah well, it was not to be.

Somehow, I like this version more, though.


Overall: 6/10

Beta No. 189: Chiks

three heads are better than two, or maybe it's the other way around

Yet another baby (we're not done with them, not by a long shot) that I'm instantly biased against, but honestly Chiks isn't that bad. Doduo has two heads, Dodrio has three, so I guess you can count backwards and give it a prevolution with only one hea- wait.


okay, why does this bitch have three heads!? So it loses one upon evolution, only to gain it back? That's so stupid! And it's a shame because imagining a birds nest as a singular entity isn't a bad idea, three noisy little bitches demanding food 24/7 from their nest-like feathers can totally work. Unfortunately, Chiks has to fit in their line, and they don't!

hold on... maybe Doduo had three heads this whole time? that would explain everything, but has some... unsettling implications.


Overall: 5/10

Beta No. 188: Animon

On this day of Thanksgiving, let me just say I'm thankful for my readers, who stick with me even when I disappear for weeks at a time!

I'm also Thankful for this screaming condom!

Actually, Animon is supposed to be an evolution of Ditto, while holding the Metal Coat. despite that, it remains a Normal-type. I think they might have been thinking of Dragon Quest's Metal Slime, a rare monster that isn't overly strong but yields TONS of exp for beating it.


But how would Animon have functioned, would it get a new version of Transform, maybe where it takes the stats and moves but remains Steel-type? That's kinda like a T-1000, huh. Would have been cool to see where they were going with that, but from the design alone, I'm afraid I can't score it very high.


Overall: 3/10

Beta No. 186: Tuhedd

spiders are spooky, right? Happy Halloween!

beta-Ariados, in case you couldn't guess. Spinarak was always the same. While the final Ariados took things in a weird direction, Tuhedd, like Young Zaphod, plays it safe.


And as a result, it falls short in a different way. The wild color pattern befits a poisonous exotic spider, and it carries the faux-face marking motif better than Ariados did. But that head is just too simplistic and seems out of place. I'd replace it with Ariados' if I could, then it would be perfect. Or at least give it bigger eyes, something to make it more spidery and scary.


Overall: 8/10

Beta No. 184: Para

Para, Franc

who the hell asked for this


who wanted an even tinier, shittier Paras? I certainly didn't. And look how he's coming out of the mushroom, shouldn't it be the other way around? the mushroom is a parasite on the bug, right? this is ruining the lore and I won't stand for it.


Overall: 1/10

Beta No. 182: Grotess

i was raised by a cup of coffee ~

I think this line got thrown out because nobody really knew what they were doing with it. The sunfish evolves into a shark, who then evolves into a gulper eel. A Steel sub-type appears, then loses all justification. They (wisely) decided to go full anglerfish with Chinchou and Lantern, then revisit the gulper eel idea later with Huntail. Who also sucked balls, but that's another story. A story you can read in my archives! No, I won't provide a link. Go search for it yourself, ya lazy kids.


anyway yeah, Grotess is a dopey idiot who seems poorly conceived in every way. I hate him extra hard for taking the place of what could have been another cool shark, and bringing down two otherwise great designs. Open that mouth extra wide and go chew rocks, asshole.


Overall: 1/10

Beta No. 181: Anchorage

I can never remember whether Anchorage is in Maine or Alaska. They're both impossibly cold, frozen wastelands to me.

it's funny how "water/steel shark" has been a popular fakemon creation for years, and it turns out Gamefreak even entertained the idea, once upon a time! I guess they scrapped it, then revisited it later with Sharpedo (kinda) but still.


I think this kicks all sorts of ass. It also provides a great look at the evolution of the design philosophy - compare Sharpedo's pattern with hard lines and extra details, to Anchorage, who is just a normal-ass shark. Well, half of one, anyway. Everybody seems to love this Pokemon, and I'm no exception. Shark + Anchor, a combination as classic as Peanut Butter + Chocolate.


Overall: 10/10

Beta No. 180: Sunmola

da kine

Before Alomomola, there was another sunfish Pokemon, with a cute face and an adorable cowlick.


The artwork ratchets that cuteness up to 11. I mean, look at that face! I want to pinch his lil' cheeks. Though I wonder about the logistics of it - actual sunfish, you wouldn't be able to see both eyes at once. They're too broad and flat. But Sunmola must have a more rounded face, and a thicker body overall. Which is cute! CUTE!!


Overall: 9/10