No. 898: Calyrex

There's nothing scarier than a poorly-designed Pokemon.

I can't quite believe what I'm about to write, but I can't quite believe what I'm seeing, either.

I have a new least-favorite Pokemon.

Dunsparce was awful, we've been over that. I'm not coming around on it or anything. But Calyrex is just so offensively terrible in every single way that it's overpowering my two-decades-long feud with the Dunce.

Where to begin? How about at the top, with this ginormous oversized bomb fruit braincel noggin. Maybe it's supposed to be a crown, but it looks like a swollen egg sac from a Metroid enemy. Then below that, we have the most serious face in the world, a real Princess Mononoke deer-god snuggled right in between the aforementioned balloon and what appear to be Akuma's prayer beads but with the Triforce on them.

Already this sounds nightmarish, but it gets worse. Basic stubby body, basic bitch arm flaps, then LONG ASS SLENDERMAN TOOTHPICK LEGS. No feed, just thigh-highs. And this royal piece of shit has the audacity to pose with one arm out like "whoosh" like he did something. There's a little cape or wings or whatever but NO, fuck you dude.

I mocked up some suggestions that don't completely save this wretched thing, but are at least improvements on whatever bullshit concept they had going on. Version 1 just downsizes stuff so he's still a weird little serious gremlin, the second leans into the "what the fuck" factor for maximum weirdness. I would still hate both of these, but I wouldn't feel the outright revulsion I do when I look at actual Calyrex.

And then, to make things even worse, this Little Lord Fuckleroy has the nerve to mount those glorious steeds Glastrier and Spectrier, and ride them like he thinks he's Napoleon.

I despise this with every fiber of my being. It's a sin and a crime. I'm going to fly to Gamefreak's house and beat them up.

Overall: -1/10

12th anniversary

It's a little early to celebrate 12 years, but its my birthday today, so. I won't say the actual number, but it's a momentous age that really makes me want to put my life in order, you know?

knowing it was coming up gave me the drive to get back in the saddle. I'm gonna finish up these Galarian goons, and then we need to review the Gigantimax forms, wrap-up the generation, review the 8th gen trainers and gym leaders, and by then Arceus: Legends will be out and that'll bring some more new Pokemon...

I also took this time to update the archives and fix all the broken images and tags, migrating from Bulbapedia to Pokemondb as the main source because they're less likely to screw their urls up for no reason. Hopefully this leads to more archive views, now that the pictures are back!

Let me know if you notice anything else needs fixing, and thanks for sticking with NAPACE all these years.

No. 897: Spectrier

Wasn't one of the beta Legendary Dogs kinda like this?

Holy shit, ANOTHER gem. Again, it's a simple concept, but one that hasn't been done before in Pokemon (spooky horse), and without anything to distract from the excellent design elements. I think it's cool how the hair tapers off into transparency, kinda like Dragapult's tail.

But the mane (hah) thing here is those hooves! Spectral hooves, disconnected from the leg itself, leaving a trail of purple ghost-smoke... it doesn't get any cooler than that. I love how it looks like it's floating, just by standing still. A great contrast with the exceptionally-solid Glastrier. I want to think that Spectrier doesn't leave hoofprints when it gallops through the night, straight into the nightmares of every young child of Galar.

Overall: 10/10

No. 896: Glastrier

 this ain't no chilly filly

okay but this is another one I would have TOTALLY been fine with getting a full evolutionary line for! Could have been a Galarian Rapidash, even.

 I love those big stompin' hooves, and the frozen helm. I'll be honest, I didn't come here expected to like Glastrier as much as I do, but damn I do. It's a simple design (ice horse!) but that means there's no extra bullshit going on. Feels like a throwback to the early days. It's a crying shame what's in his future...

Overall: 10/10

No. 895: Regidrago

 a dragon about to chomp a pill

Maybe 985 Pokemon deep is too late to question what makes "being a dragon" an element in the same way that Fire, Water, Rock, and the rest are. Oh well. Regidrago's name rolls off the tongue better, but still breaks the "rules" and doesn't use the literal type name.

The colors are good, the problem is that the design is kinda goofy. Dude looks like one of those Beast Wars Transformers, except he's missing his own head and limbs. So he's just a torso with big floating shoulder pads. Oh, and two little stumps, because why not. I'm not a huge fan. 

Overall: 3/10

No. 894: Regieleki

 I feel sorry for any blind person who tries to read the Braille on this sparkplug

So, since the Eeveelution well is apparently run dry, we now turn to the Regis. Remember them? Ancient golems of various hard materials? Well, now here's one made out of fucking lightning.

What really gets me is the name - before, the English translation adapted the Japanese names literally, except since Regiice would look weird, they removed the i, so it's "Reg-ice" instead of "Regi-ice" like in Japanese. That breaks the pattern of the others and I hate it, but what did they do here? The opposite! Instead of "Reg-eleki" it's "Regi-eleki".

As I said about Regice, why not Regifrost or something? And here, how about Regivolt? You didn't even use the actual type's name anymore! "Eleki" is already different from "Electric" so why not go all the way and change it to something that flows better!?

The design is fine, like a big light-bulb with electricity coming out of it, but I'm too tilted by the name and bastardization of the original Regi concept to care.

Overall: 2/10

No. 893: Zarude

 "The Rude"

I didn't watch the movie, so I actually don't know shit about Zarude. But he falls into that small category of Legendaries who I wish were regular Pokemon, because I can imagine the rest of their line, and I'd like to use them on my journey instead of just downloading them for the collection after I've already finished playing.

I like him a fair deal more than Rillaboom, the other Grass-type monkey in the game. He just looks more like a "monster" than a "character", you know? Those green arm-bands and give a nice weight to his forearms, and the stripes on his chest make him seem emaciated and hungry for blood. Zarude looks wicked, it's great.

Overall: 9/10

No. 892: Urshifu

 Be like water, my friend

Urshifu has a Akira Yuki tstsuzanko going on, and looks pretty badass. I like the studded knuckles, and again the bandanna. Hey, does he have a little bit of chin fuzz going on? They're really swinging for the fences on the bear market, huh.

Now, there's two forms for Urshifu. Single Strike was that first one, and now Rapid Strike. Basically it's Bajiquan vs Tai Chi, as far as styles are concerned. Note how the designs are actually the same, it's just that in Single Strike all the fur is rising up, whereas in Rapid Strike it's flowing down. Kinda neat, but makes it odd you get hard locked into one form or the other, without being able to swap. (for the record, I like Single Strike more) 

Overall: 8/10

No. 891: Kubfu

everybody was kubfu fighting~

I think it's cool that the DLC gives us more new Pokemon, and in general I like the concept more than trying to sell a 3rd game with minimal changes (or two new games like Ultra Sun/Moon). 

Is Kubfu worth the money, though? Eh, kinda. I mean he evolves anyway, but as a basic form he's alright. I dig the Rock Lee eyebrows, and the fur-bandanna. Just a little dude trying his best. I don't like whatever's going on with his feet though.

Overall: 6/10

No. 890: Eternatus

BEWARE MY POLYGONAL FURY 

This guy sucks majorly. He's so clearly designed to be a "boss" first and a "Pokemon" second, and while you want a little of that for your Legendary, the end result is something that looks like a Kingdom Hearts boss. or the villain from a Digimon movie.

Besides, didn't they kind of do this aesthetic already with Necrozma? All sharp angles because that's easier to model than something with curves, and becomes an unreadable mess unless you're looking at a fully rotating 3D model? I know the games are 3D now and they take that into account when designing, but I think it's a sign of bad design when the end result is such a jumbled mess like this.

Overall: 1/10

No. 889: Zamazenta

what the dog doin'

Zamazenta looks like it would form the chest piece of some shitty Megazord toy. I can practically smell the cheap plastic. It looks awkward and not nearly as cool as Zacian. Honestly, if they hadn't just done a lion last gen, making a legendary lion with its mane as a shield might have worked better? Or it could still have come across lame.

Oddly enough, the unarmored form is much better. It still looks plenty armored to be honest, just lacking the garish giant shield. You can appreciate the cool tuft of hair on its head, and see those badass battle scars. For Zacian it was like "ok that's neat I guess" but for Zamazenta this alternate form is actually lifting the rating up from being absolutely miserable.

Overall: 5/10

No. 888: Zacian

Great Grey Wolf Sif

Clearly the better of the two legendaries, and thus the reason why Sword is the superior choice. Not that it matters much, because Gamefreak got tired of programming actual different characters and areas into the games to justify releasing two versions, it's just a few Pokemon that you can get from trading online anyway.

But, Zacian looks regal enough, with a neat crown and golden wings. I like that he's not some all-powerful God of Abstract Concepts, just a cool mystical dog bearing a sacred weapon. That seems more in-line with what I want from a legendary.

He's got an armorless form, too - which really shows off the scars from countless battles, even a missing ear. I like how it just changes depending on if you literally equip its item or not. Of course you'd want it armored, which is the cooler form anyway (because it has a goddamn sword) but still.

Overall: 8/10

No. 887: Dragapult

if you can hear it coming, that means it's already too late.

Dragapult kicks immense amounts of ass. This is the sort of shit that keeps me coming back to Pokemon, because as many stinkers as they put out, they'll eventually hit upon some absolutely bangers. It's everything cool about Drakloak, except MORE. The narrowed eyes and low profile head let you know it means business, the chevrons got fixed up, I like his little red fingers, the entire concept is still cool beyond belief, everything is going right.

Also can we talk about how it's a Ghost type, so its tail is trailing off into invisibility? Brilliant. Dragapult is fast as hell, hits hard, launches its offspring like heat-seeking missiles, and does it all while making every other Dragon-type look goofy.

Overall: 10/10

No. 886: Drakloak

 take your kid to work day

So, I'll ask the question - when your Dreepy evolves into Drakloak, where does the extra Dreepy come from? How come it doesn't need its own Pokeball? What if THAT Dreepy also evolves into a Drakloak, do they stack? 

but even as we wrack our brains to figure out the implications of such a conundrum, we have to admit that Drakloak is pretty cool. Stealth bomber head on a ghost dragon body, that's fantastic. And I love how it uses Dreepy as missiles, reminds me of those old Digimon who shot "living" missiles.

The only note I have against it is that I think the red chevron on its chest should be centered better. Why's it overlapping the yellow part? Dragapult doesn't have that problem.

Overall: 9/10

No. 885: Dreepy

my favorite missile 

Ghost/Dragon is a banging type combo. and we start off strong with Dreepy, who's got that perfect blend of "cute" and "weirdo". He looks like a muppet, or those Creepies from Super Mario World. Honestly I don't have much else to say about the guy, I'm just excited to get on to his evolved forms.

Overall: 8/10

No. 884: Duraludon

How come all those kids in high school had lighters on them at all times, despite not smoking?  

What's weird is that according to the Pokedex, Duraludon is relatively light. You'd think he'd be one sturdy boy, but I guess that's aluminum armor. Or maybe he's hollow.

But I admire the restraint to not just make a literal lighter Pokemon - someone had the good idea to at least wrap it up in a basic Dragon monster design, and that's probably for the best. The game already has a literal teacup, after all.

I'm taking away points for the stainless steal turtleneck, though. It was a look on Best Jeanist, but at least he can turn his head. Duraludon looks like he's wearing a neck brace.

Overall: 5/10

No. 883: Arctovish

 okay, now they're just being silly.

The head is clearly on upside down. I'm not mad this time, because Dracovish took it all out of me, but I really think we need to revoke someone's PhD. Either that or make reviving ancient Pokemon illegal until we figure out how to not screw it up so badly. Either way, Galar's archaeological society ought to be ashamed of itself.

Overall: 1/10

No. 882: Dracovish

 "I was not meant to live..."

This one is maybe the most horrifying. Why would you stick the head at the end of the tail? And just leave the cauterized stump of that dragon half out in the open? I know real-life archaeologists got stuff wrong sometimes, swapping arms and legs or thinking a claw was a horn. But you have to be absolutely deranged to think this was a good idea. Look at the poor thing, it lives in agony and struggles to hold its head up because otherwise its own spikes will stab itself. At the very least, recognizes that the spikes go on the OUTSIDE!

Some genius made this edit and I think it speaks for itself. The worst part is that this dumbass symbol of man's hubris to play God was actually meta-relevant in the competitive scene.


Overall: 1/10

No. 881: Arctozolt

 Get that boy a tissue and a warm blanket!

Electric/Ice is a cool typing, reminds me of one of the best powers from Kirby 64. But Arctozolt looks more like one model is clipping into the other than the surgical nightmate of Dracozolt, and somehow I don't like that as much? Maybe the fact that it's walking on flippers bugs me too much.

But clearly the Electric half is suffering. I think that archaeologist who mixed up such a pitiful creature should be put in jail.

Overall: 3/10

No. 880: Dracozolt

Thank you for waiting. NAPACE will now resume it's regularly scheduled programming.

this Dragon really do be draggin' that wagon. and is pretty much my favorite fossil this time around. (although that isn't saying much)

See, the gimmick is that there's two heads and two tails, and none of them match, but the dumbass Galarian archaeologist mashes them up anyway. Thus, you get 4 possible combinations. Each with their own typing, and none of them Rock! Which is nice, I was tired of every fossil Pokemon having to be Rock just because they're old.

Electric/Dragon is fresh, and Dracozolt still looks like a basic skeletal structure. Just with dummy thicc thighs and a dumptruck ass. Or, it looks like a reanimated dragon lower body with some smaller dragon parasite emerging from its guts, if you'd prefer that mental image.

Overall: 6/10