Roxanne of Rustboro City

We're only 3 weeks away from X and Y, and here I am just starting with Hoenn gym leaders. I guess I'll justify it by saying that I'd kind of like a little time to actually PLAY the new games before I start ripping into the Pokemon, but you and I both know it's because I was a lazy turd over the summer.

anyway, Roxanne. Her thighs are thicker than her waist.


Overall: 3/10

no wait, that's not all I wanted to say! uh, her name has "rocks" in it, and she's a Rock-type trainer. which seems to be a popular first-gym choice. She doesn't look it, though. I'd expect Normal, or possibly Psychic.


also, she um, has... a... nosepass? okay, I guess I really don't have much to say. and in fact, I'm gonna lower that score up there. Roxanne is forgettable to the extreme. she doesn't fit her theme, has no personality that I can recall, and her badge is stupid.


Overall: 1/10
In the remake

Janine of Fuschia City

So that's pretty much it for Johto, but on the return trip to Kanto you find the Gym Leaders have been changed a bit. I've already covered Blue before, so here's Janine.

Koga is her dad, they're both ninja, they both use Poison types. They both utilize some similar ninja tropes (scarf, fingers, those pants, gauntlets), and both look pretty fly. I especially like her black/pink color scheme, it's really unique and striking.

but she falls into the same pitfall as her father - being a ninja doesn't necessarily mean you look like a Poison trainer. I guess it's one of the most probably types, along with Dark and Bug, but whatever.


Also, since I didn't mention it before, this thing is called the Soul Badge. that's right, Poison type gym = Soul Badge. Never mind that Sabrina is over there giving away the Marsh Badge, and using Psychics. I feel like someone screwed up, especially since you could actually fight these gyms in either order.

so yeah - Janine is adorable, she looks in-control, she's pretty sweet. that's just about all I have to say.


Overall: 8/10

Karen of the Johto Elite Four

well, Bruno is still in there, and Koga moved up, then Lance is the f'reals champion this time, so...

Karen is pretty much all that's left for the Johto elite four. I think maybe I'll go back and tag the relevant Kanto people as Johto, actually.

But hey, Karen is up at bat - she uses Dark types, despite there being nothing remotely Dark about her appearance at all. dat midriff is nice, yeah, but yellow, white, and pale cobalt?? that's seriously said "Dark Type" to you? Karen, you need help.

I can dig her philosophy, though. to quote, "Strong Pokemon, weak Pokemon. That is only the selfish perception of people. Truly skilled trainers try to win with their favorites. I bathe in whipped cream." Now that speaks to me, I friggin love whipped cr- I mean, I really agree with the bit about using your favorites instead of focusing on what's the STRONGEST.

I guess that's my feeling on competitive games in general, I use Cody and Ibuki in SFIV because I like their stylings, despite the fact they aren't really super good. And I realize I'm not using the Smogon-approved best teams with all the IVs and EVs cranked out to the max when I play Pokemon, but I don't really care. Partly because the main game is easy enough that you don't need that shit, and also because I would rather use middling Pokemon I like, than a strong Pokemon I dislike. No matter how good they make Dunsparce, I'll never put that turd on my team.

though in fairness, there is a limit. Using an outright shitty Pokemon/character and then thinking you're cool beans when you lose because "lol well i was usin a low-tier team anyway not like u really won anythin lol" then that's asinine. If you're gonna be a low-tier hero, then actually be good at it, don't use that as a crutch to explain away all your losses.

I'll end this rant for now, because I've gone majorly off track. Karen looks like an Ace Trainer, not a Pokemon Master, much less a master of the Dark. points for her having the right idea, tho. and for dat
toned belly.

Overall: 4/10

Will of the Johto Elite Four

It's Wonder Maroon!

I'm gonna be honest - I never gave much thought to Will. I always just steamed past him with some Ghost or Dark types, and never looked back. So this is the first time I'm getting a good look at him.

and he's fancy as frig. mask, cravat, coat-tailed vest, dude looks like a stylish phantom thief who makes his classy entrance in the masquerade ball, stealing jewelry as well as hearts.

really, the only thing Will's lacking is a better name. I mean, shouldn't he be something like Esquavez? Bellisimo? or something else that sounds like it came from a Romance Language, but then got a makeover from Elton John?


Overall: 8/10

Clair of Blackthorne City

those hips... I would say Gamefreak doesn't know what they're doing to me right now, but I have the feeling they know exactly what they're doing to me right now.

Final Gym Leader in Johto is Blair, and she runs Dragon-types. Her Kingdra is especially awful, because it's only weak to Dragon, not even Ice. (but Fairy coming along soon would make that easier)

I like the color cohesiveness, and would accept her as a sea-serpant-themed Water trainer. But that cape really sells the Dragon in her. Also I dig the scale pattern going down her lovely sides there.


It's possible she's overdoing it a bit, being slightly more melodramatic than she needs to be, but I honestly don't mind it. Clair's the goddamn 8th Gym Leader after all, and she lives right in front of a goddamn dragon shrine, she's allowed to dress like an anime villainess if she wants to. As far as I'm concerned, she's perfect.


Overall: 10/10

Pryce of Mahogony Town

Pryce is one sassy old man

he's also a stylish old man, and that's what counts. longcoat and scarf, he's bundled up for some freaking winter storms. storms that he brings himself. and while that cane could be more hardcore, it still looks classy.

You know, I wonder if Pryce is like old rivals with Blaine. Maybe they had epic fire vs ice battles back in the day, but then they split up and live on opposite sides of the continent. But while Blaine is all out over-the-top fiery kickassery, Pryce perfers to take things on the subtle side. He's still going to destroy you, yeah, but he's going to do is in mocking silence. Then when you come up to him and ask for a rematch he'll smirk and offer you a nickel to go buy yourself a candy bar.

because that's how Pryce rolls.


His gym is pretty great, too. I've always liked the sliding puzzles in Pokemon. also, I hope you're proud of my for resisting the urge to spout ice-related puns nonstop like Arnold Schwarzenegger's second coming.

because while I'm more than capable of doing this, it raises my blood pressure too much. My doctor's told me to chill out.


Overall: 8/10

Jasmine of Olivine City

not sure what business this bitch has being the master of a lighthouse and caring for an Ampharos and then NOT being an Electric-type trainer

But given her design, I'm even more confused why she's Steel. I guess it's supposed to be like "the frail maiden actually uses the hardass pokemon wololo" but... I don't care? She looks vanilla as hell. Even more generic than Whitney, who actually uses Normal types.

I do like that her town had a little story arc to it, though. Instead of just showing up and fighting the leader, you had to get the medicine and all that stuff. so there's points there. I just think Jasmine herself is super super generic.


speaking of generic, take a look at that goddamn badge. christ, it's like they forgot to remove the placeholder.

I dunno you guys, so far no trainers have been outright terrible, but Jasmine is cutting it pretty dang close. She's a pushover in battle, too. forgettable and inane, she's saved from the absolute bottom of the barrel because her design looks nice and well put-together. It's just the sort of "nice" you expect to see in the background of a crowd scene, not on any major character, and certainly not a Steel-type gym leader.


Overall: 2/10

Chuck of Cianwood City

Well I think I managed to save August. Most prolific month since Spring.

And I'll try and keep it up, but you know why really keeps it up? Chuck.

Chuck is all about training and fighting, that's pretty much his life. He just wrestles his Pokemon in the surf and then lifts weights and then goes home to eat a home-cooked meal from his wife. It's pretty much my ideal life, I have to say. Except put "play video games" instead of "life weights". I'm better at the games.

Anyway, Chuck has the demeanor down pat, but his style honestly leave much to be desired. I mean, this fat bastard should lay off the home-cooked meals and work his abs some more. and we've already seen the raggedy pants look before, Bruno did it better.


His badge is pretty neat, though. I guess I just wish he wasn't such a fat bastard. Maybe he was super badass like 20 years ago, though.


Overall: 6/10

Morty of Ecruteak City

get it, Morty? like "mortician", latin stem mort meaning death? huh? huh?

yo, check out this cool cat. Morty rocks a scarf, and a purple one at that, and somehow doesn't look like a poof. I think it's the way his eyes are all like "yeah baby I'm so cool, you don't even know I'm cool" sort of thing

anyhow, nice color coordination here. Nice soul-flame-shaped pin. nice wrist-gauntlet things. nice bloody ragged ends on that scarf.


Morty is just making it all come together in a big way, here. He looks like a badass trainer, he looks like he uses some spooky shit, he checks all the style boxes. Nothing bad to say about this guy at all, I love him like a brother.


Overall: 10/10

Whitney of Goldenrod City

I'm glad these guys only really have one piece of art. makes it go a lot simpler.

I don't really like Normal types. I just don't see the point in a Pokemon who can only STAB, not Super-effective anything, and only has weaknesses.

but I do like Whitney. White and pink are a good fit for Normal, and the blue stockings and shorts just add an air of an unconcerned young girl. I mean, damn, look how happy she is. Nearly blissful. as if she doesn't know she's specializing in the worst type.


but the point is, she looks good, she looks Normal, and it all fits. She might not look like she should be in charge of her own gym, but that's her charm point, her youthful innocent look and all. also her gym is in the shape of a Clefairy, which clearly shows her interior design skills.



holy freaking shit do I hate her Satan-spawned Miltank with an ever-burning and implacable fire, though.


Overall: 8/10