No. 114: Tangela

Does Tangela remind anyone else of spaghetti?

Except, you know, blue. And with little red shoes.

Tangela is another enigma. what does its real body look like? Is it related to Shellder in any way? What the hell sort of plant is blue?

All these questions and more pop into one's mind when one thinks about Tangela.

Except, I can't be bothered to think about Tangela, because I have never used it in any game, only vaguely remember seeing it in Erika's party, and I don't think I even ever caught one. Basically, I don't give a shit about Tangela, and neither should you.

Overall: 3/10

No. 113: Chansey

Aren't Chansey like illegal immigrants, stealing regular human nurses' jobs?

But at least they seems good at their job. Or maybe it's slavery, and they're being forced to act happy? Let's not think about it.

Chansey is shaped like a big old egg, and she carries an egg in her pouch which SHE EATS HOLY SHIT. MAMA CHANSEY JUST ATE HER OWN EGG THAT IS LITERALLY CANNIBALISM.

Kangaskhan doesn't eat her babies, so why does Chansey? Maybe they're all duds, but that's still a little creepy. Let's not think about it.

Um, so Chansey has a lot of hp, but shit for other stats. That seems kinda dumb, it's like, if I have tons of hp but no defense, isn't it the same as tons of defense but no hp? except with the high defense at least small attacks will be ineffective, with just a lot of hp, you get whittled down by everything. Chansey is like a masochistic tank, you just keep beating her and beating her and she doesn't resist at all. This is getting strange. Let's not think about it.

so, uh, yeah. Besides all those things we're not thinking about, Chansey is a lovable ball of fun. fun, yeah. Not slavery, cannabalism, or masochism. FUN.

Overall: FUN/10

No. 112: Rhydon

Aim for the horn, Pikachu!

Rhydon is better than Rhyhorn, because Rhydon has a freaking drill for a horn, and he looks like he can move at more than 5 miles per hour.

but now that I'm looking at him, doesn't he kinda look like Nidoking?


yeah, you know what? I'm pretty sure Rhydon is some sort of bastard cousin to Nidoking, and probably is secretly in love with Nidoqueen. Where does that put us? Hell if I know.

Overall: 6/10

No. 111: Rhyhorn

The fact that no one noticed that I've had the numbers messed up for quite some time means either you are all too nice to say anything or no one even cares

And guess which conclusion will stoke my raging ego? Thanks, guys!!

Anyway, Rhyhorn is like a badass version of a rhino, but with more plate armor. except his horn is actually quite small, really. I was expecting more, Gamefreak.

Rhyhorn moves like a a house of bricks, and he's another damn ground/rock, meaning he falls over like a house of cards when you spritz him with water. And he probably smells like a house of shit.

Didn't Mewtwo throw one of these guys across a dining table in the movie? I think he did, that was awesome.

Overall: 3/10

No. 110: Weezing

If this was posted back on the 11th, then I think we all would've collectively shit our pants. oh wait Weezing is only the 110th what was I thinking

But Weezing is not that cool, so forget about it. He's just a big ugly mug with the worst case of smoker's lung I've ever seen. And is that mini-Weezing on the side a growth, or a polyp, or what? Some sort of sick parasitical siamese twin?

You know how much multiple brains freak me out, Pokemon. And yet you keep occuring, flying in the face of nature like some giant angry bird.

While Koffing looks high, Weezing just looks like stupidity personified.

Overall: 2/10

No. 109: Koffing

Oh, what a clever pun for a name! It's like they just took an adjective and spelled it wrong!

Lame name aside, Koffing is actually pretty good. He just kinda works.

Koffing is basically a tiny, sentient planet, whose craters produce gas, has a fairly cool skull-and-crossbones tatoo, and, judging by facial expression, is high 100% of the time.

Also, he's purple. (remember this! purple = poison type!)

A good example of a completely original idea, with no real base in reality, that actually comes out okay.

Overall: 7/10

No. 108: Lickitung

Imagine the plug for this Pokemon: "Hey, Tanaka-san, how about a Pokemon who just licks everything?"

"Hey, sounds good to me!"

Anyway, Lickitung is a kinda one-trick pony. Either you find it hilarious that this thing has a giant tongue, or you are not 10 years old. Sophisticated, mature people have gotten over this.

And if there's anything I know, it's about being sophisticated. after all, I am a student of life, with a graduate degree from the school of hard knocks, and 3 gold stars from the kingerdarten of getting the shit kicked out of me.

so Lickitung doesn't interest me very much. He's not horrible by any means, just kinda "TONGUE LOL" and nothing else.

Overall: 5/10

No. 107: Hitmonchan

Jackie Chan. Hitmonchan.

I really want to like Hitmonchan, I really do. Jackie Chan is, as they say, the man, and anyone named after him has to be pretty awesome. Plus, Hitmonchan is all about the punching, something I can sympathize with. He punches faster than the eye can see, and you know what that means? Rapid-freaking-punches-of-death.

However...

Hitmonchan is wearing little slippers. And a skirt. And they're both light purple. Plus a face that looks he's desperately trying to hide the fact that it was he who just let out that stinker, and I kinda lose my respect.

Gotta give the man props for the whole "punchin a lot" thing, but the miniskirt? c'mon now...

Overall: 6/10

No. 106: Hitmonlee

Bruce Lee. Hitmonlee.

It's no secret that I love fighting types, and so it should come as no surprise that I love Hitmonlee.

He just kicks, kicks, kicks, and he looks like a murderer. He legs and arms stretch like springs, and that makes him look pretty damn cool when he fights. Like in the manga, this one time he had Blastoise all tied up with his arms and was kicking the shit out of him.

I wish Hitmonlee was a little better, stat-wise, but he's so badass that I can't really complain.

Overall: 10/10

No. 105: Marowak

Yes, dead mama Marowak is like the saddest thing ever. let's move on.

Marowak looks badass, and did you know that he actually has like three unique moves? Bone Rush, Bonerang, and Bone Club. Sounds like Friday night at my house, if you get what I mean.

Anyway, Marowak is cool times. I wonder what he looks like under the skull, though. Cubone too. Probably some kind of dinosaur-looking thing.

Overall: 7/10

No. 104: Cubone

wearing the skull of your dead mother makes you and emo I think

But besides that, and the fact that Cubone keeps to itself all the time, and cries itself to sleep, and has a morbid fascination with death, and gets upset because no one understands it, and shops at hot topic, and listens to System of a Down, and draws in itself with sharpie, and wears baggy clothes with too many buckles and belts, Cubone is...

waitaminute.

But enough about that. It's time to talk about another mixed up evolution chain.



This one is literally supported by the programmers. They were going to have Cubone evolve into Kangaskhan, but then decided not to. They just moved to code over, and left a blank pokemon with a missing number in the pace where Kangaskhan's pre-evo should've gone. In other words, a Missing No.

Now while you are all popping your eyes and dropping your jaws, I'll just finish by saying that I freaking hate emo kids like Cubone, but that he does LOOK kinda cool.

Overall: 5/10

No. 103: Exeggutor

Another top-notch pun from the folks at Gamefreak.

Exeggutor always reminds me of something tropical and exotic, probably because he's a freaking palm tree. But it's kind of like, Exeggutor only shows up in the safari zone, so he is literally in the exotic location. and he comes at a point in the pokedex where before him, you've got all the common guys. You've got your Pidgeys and your Rattatas, and even your Sandshrews. But Exeggutor has always said to me, "from here on out, it's gonna be crazy. This is the last third, when all the good stuff happens."

and I guess we'll see if that is a valid thing or not, but whatever.

uh, as for the guy himself, he's like a big lug, and has an unusual type. I've never used one, but if he showed up earlier, I definitely would.

But I guess that's his charm, isn't it?

Overall: 7/10

No. 102: Exeggcute

Can't be a Pokemon master without breaking a few eggs.

And haha, I never really knew how to spell their name until now. I coulda sworn it was Eggsecute or something, but whatever.

Exeggcute is one of those strange, multi-brained Pokemon that always make me think. Like, why aren't each of them a Pokemon? are they connected with some sort of mind-meld? and since Exeggcutor has but 3 heads, where to the other 6 consciousnesses go when it evolves? And like what about Doduo to Dodrio? Another brain just kinda happens?

I think there are some serious moral issues here. Maybe by evolving an Exeggcute, you're killing half of the eggs. You sick bastard.

Overall: 5/10

No. 101: Electrode

Art... is a blast!

Electrodes basically just roll around and then explode. They always explode. Seriously, every damn time. Which is actually always awesome, but sometimes you get tired of explosions, right? Sometimes.

Also, I used to like the name, until I learned that an electrode is just an actual thing. That's stupid.

The only good thing about Electrode is that they are pretty much the fastest sons of bitches around. I guess rolling is a good way to get around.

Overall: 5/10

100 posts already daaaaaang

So, as promised, this is the post where I talk about boring shit.

It's been really fun doing this blog, and I'm glad I picked it up again. I seriously plan to continue this blog until I get through every single pokemon, by the way. It will happen.

So, for those who have been reading this blog, thanks for doing that. Please continue to do so, or whatever.

For those who are just stopping by, you'd better not just leave. I see you trying to sneak out the door. Yeah, you, with the stupid hair. Sit your ass down and read the hell out of my archive. You look like you need someone like me to tell you what's up with the pokemons, because you clearly have no clue aside from poorly formed opinions and nostalgia blinders.

Because, remember, not all pokemon are created equal.

No. 100: Voltorb

What a fitting 100th pokemon.

When I was little I thought that Voltorb was like an evil pokeball or something. It's kinda meta, when you think about it, that you could throw a pokeball and have basically a pokeball with eyes inside it.

But yeah, Voltorb is alright. I really like his name, for some reason, and how permanently pissed he looks.

Also, fond memories of pressing A next to an item, and then being all "whohohoah shit its a voltorb!!" and stuff.

but hey, why do all items look like pokeballs? what's up with that?

Overall: 7/10

No. 099: Kingler

The pokedex entries for Kingler always point out how unwiedly that giant claw is.

But I think that's kinda unfair. They never complain about how stupid it must be for Lickitung to have that giant tongue, or for Mawlile and its head-mouth.

But Kingler follows the tried-and-true formula for creating great pokemon: Take a recognizable animal, in this case a crab. Then, make it different. Kingler is giant and spiky, as well as having a jaw. Lastly, add something badass, like a giant freaking claw.

In the anime, Kingler was a beast. I remember one time when he had to fight a Cloyster, who tried to hide, but Kingler just kept pounding on him until Cloyster's shell cracked. And since Cloyster has like the #1 defense, that's pretty hardcore.

Kingler is just one of my favorites from the first gen, and the fact that he has like his own personal move, Crabhammer, just seals the deal.

Overall: 10/10

No. 098: Krabby

It isn't that good a pun.

But it turns out that Krabby is kool anyway! I think I just like crustaceans in general, and so maybe I'm biased towards them, but I like Krabby.

He's not that great, stat-wise, but I remember him fondly from the anime. why was he always foaming at the mouth in there? Do crabs do that in real life? I don't even know.

Krabby is just a solid pokemon, and looking at his design, do you notice how angular he looks? That's old-school, right there. The newest pokemon tend to be silky smooth, like their skin is latex or something. But Krabby is a bumply and grumply and something.

Overall: 8/10

No. 097: Hypno

yeah, another psychic sleep pokemom

eh, whatever. Hypno is sorta cool, because that neck fringe is badass.

But he looks kinda like a goblin, otherwise. Not like an animal. He looks too human and creepy, actually. Starting to go into the uncanny valley.

Now that I think about it, Hypno is really creeping me out right now. Like, in a major way. If that's what he's supposed to do, then he's doing it well.

that nose will haunt me dreams tonight I know it

Overall: 6/10

No. 096: Drowzee

Does anyone even know what a tapir is?

forgettaboutit, not important.

Drowzee is just a pudgy psychic, with defense instead of speed like the Abra trio. However, Abra is a cute sleepy cat in badass armor, while Drowzee looks like a middle-aged man attempting to "get his freak on".

also, what's up with all these psychic types dealing with sleep? Abra is a narcoleptic, Slowpoke is always napping, and now Drowzee? What's next, Sleapee?

Overall: 4/10

No. 095: Onix

How come in the anime he always goes "GROOOOORNIX"?

It's like he was just roaring, but remembered that he had to say his name, and just just threw it in at the end.

something else: anime Onix >>>> game Onix. In the anime, he's like 30 feet tall and burrows and knocks down buildings and tunnels through rock and breaks shit and doesn't care and crushes everything and spits fire out of his mouth and ice out of his ears and can destroy the world WITH HIS MIND!!!!

but in the game he sucks ass.

I want to love Onix, but he is just such a misleading sucky pokemon, I hate that about him.

Overall: 7/10

No. 094: Gengar

Gengar is okay too

I really like the progression of the Ghastly-Haunter-Gengar trio. Starts off with no hands, just a nebulous orb, then gets floating hands, and a more defined head, and then Gengar has actual limbs and is quite clearly solid. It just feels right, unlike some other pokemon whose evolutions seems almost arbitrary.

But gengarally speeking, (see what I did there?) Gengar is just a cool guy. His name is pretty badass, and is a rare example of a non-punny name. In the anime, he's always screwing with shit and getting lulz and stuff, so that's cool too.

yeah, he's no Haunter, but then again, who is?

Gengar is great anyway. just look at that cocky ass grin.

Overall: 10/10