No. 159: Croconaw

Wilma, I'm Ho-oooome!!

Seriously, why does Croconaw have a Fred Flinstone-esque pattern? What the hell is that even supposed to be? An egg shell? This isn't the baby leagues, why would he have an eggshell.

Maybe they're making a reference to how Totodile's excited jumping in the air is reminiscent of how Fred would click his heel when he got happy and stuff. Or maybe they want to make Croconaw a household symbol of classic animation. Or maybe they want to cache in on the cereal-eating crowd.

Or maybe it just looks stupid and I hate it.

Overall: 2/10

No. 158: Totodile

Just look at this little spazz

Totodile has way too much energy. He's always hopping, and gurgling, and biting things, and generally causing a ruckus. So he's basically a toddler.

And toddlers, while intensely cute, are also insufferably annoying.

Totodile looks fine, but I just would NOT want him hanging around me all the time.

Overall: 5/10

No. 157: Typhlosion

HELL YESSSSSSSSSSSS

Typlosion is sick. His name is basically typhoon + explosion, which makes it the coolest thing ever, and just look at that pose. Legs akimbo, a collar of fire erupting from his neck, he shouts in defiance to the heavens.

I HAVE JUST OHKO'D A GYARADOS WITH FLAME WHEEL. I COULD SOLO THE ENTIRE GAME IF YOU WOULD BUT LET ME. THERE WERE NONE BEFORE ME, AND THERE SHALL BE NONE LIKE ME AGAIN. I AM TYPHLOSION. YOU ARE ALL LITERALLY INCAPABLE OF HANDLING ME.

The great tragedy of our age is how he was misrepresented in Pokemon Battle Revolution. This was a Wii game, remember. And somehow, they couldn't scrounge up a better flame collar effect.

Look how they massacred my boy.

Overall: 10/10

No. 156: Quilava

Like Cyndaquil, but leaner and meaner!

And that makes him better. He looks much more streamlined, and looks like he knows what he's doing. Whereas Cyndaquil probably pisses himself with surprise every time he actually shoot fire, which coincidentally also happens whenever he pisses himself.

The only thing is, he doesn't look much like a porcupine or hedgehog anymore. He look more like some sort of ferret, or stoat. Is a stoat a thing? I think they were in The Wind in the Willows. Nevermind.

So as far as middle-stage evolutions go, he's pretty good.

Overall: 8/10

No. 155: Cyndaquil

This guy reminds me of pepper.

I'm not sure exactly what kind of animal Cyndaquil was inspired by, but he looks pretty cool. I like how his flames shoot out like spikes when he gets excited, instead of just burning constantly.

oh wait, quill. spines. He's a porcupine, isn't he? Huh, I guess I never actually noticed that before.

I don't like his squinty eyes, though. He either looks deliriously happy, or like he needs glasses. Any it's hard to tell if he's asleep, which is important when you need to sneak up on Pokemon while they're napping.

Overall: 7/10

No. 154: Meganium

And then the brontosaurus stuck its fool head through the giant flower, and wore it like a ruff.

Man, what happened to that leaf? Now we have antennae? What the hell? Where did those come from?

Whatever. Meganium is still okay, but it doesn't have the cute of a first-stage, or the epic of a final-stage. It feels a little plain.

I must admit that I like the progression of leaves to buds to flowers that Meganium finishes, but it's not enough to make it a great Pokemon.

Overall: 5/10

No. 153: Bayleef

That's a really cool looking leaf right there..

I mean, that leaf looks pretty badass. It's all sharp and stuff, with a neat circular notch in it. But I'm not sure why green bread is stuck all around Bayleef's neck.

Aside from the leaf-sword, however, there is not much to Bayleef. It looks a little awkward, as is common among middle-evolutions, similar to how the human species looks its most awkward during the Middle School years.

Screw Middle School, seriously.

Overall: 6/10

No. 152: Chikorita

Second Generation, here we come!!

Aww, look at this cutie. A pear you can pet!

Chikorita loves Ash in the anime, and is very possessive about him, which kinda reminds me of my cat. She's all about the cuddling.

so I'll be bold - Chikorita is a better starter than Bulbasaur.

Overall: 10/10

The worst Gen 1 pokemon

Man, these guys just suck.

5. Dragonite
4. Seel
3. Tentacool
2. Parasect
1. Pidgey

There seem to be two types of horrible Pokemon: those that are uninspired and basically just a regular animal, and those that are ugly and stupid and lame and I hate them.

But at least the ugly ones tend to be rare, while the uninspired ones tend to be the most common.

Pidgey, I am looking right in your feathery face right now.

The best Gen 1 Pokemon

Someone asked for me to rank my Top Ten 10/10 Pokemon, so here they are.

1. Haunter
2. Scyther
3. Machamp
4. Pinsir
5. Blastoise
6. Magmar
7. Charizard
8. Machop
9. Abra
10. Hitmonlee


HOWEVER, this is only the 1st Generation Top Ten. There are quite a few Pokemon in the subsequent generations that would have made it into my all-time Top Ten, which will probably have to wait until I've covered every singe generation.

What about you guys? What are you favorite 1st Gen Pokemon?

1st Gen Summary

Man, done with the first gen already. whew.

People always say that the 1st was the best, but honestly I don't know sometimes. There are a lot of classic amazing Pokemon, but also quite a few stupid wastes of space. For every Blastoise, there is a Seel. For Every Pinsir, there is a Paras.

So, how did this gen do? According to my calculations, it averaged 6.2/10. Is that what you expected? I think it's about right. If everything was perfectly balanced, it would come out to be 5.0/10, yes?

So the 1st generation exceeds that, and is in fact above average.

But it remains to be seen whether it is in fact significantly better when compared to the other generations.

I'm gonna do a few more filler bits before starting the 2nd gen, so bear with me. And thanks for bearing with me so far.

No. 151: Mew

Just when did you start thinking the 1st generation went from 1 to 150?

It's Mew! The lovable mystery Pokemon, and the inspiration for Mewtwo. She's as cute as a button, and NO, YOU CAN'T FRIGGING FIND HER NATURALLY IN THE GAME.

Even if you use strength on the truck.

But so I remember trying to get a picture of Mew in Pokemon Snap. man, that was an ordeal. Why so shy, Mew? You hide in a bubble, and gurgle cute nothings at us, and then when we hit you with apples, you fly away... such a tease...

But Mew is really nice, and in my mind, is the definitive "cute legendary". Screw Celebi, Jirachi, and Manaphy. They are nothing compared to the pure bubblegum sweetness that is Mew.

Also, Mew gets points for being the first truly elusive Pokemon that made it maddeningly difficult to truly Catch them All. Because when your friend had all 150, but you were that lucky bastard who somehow got to an event and you had 151, that felt delicious.

Overall: 10/10

No. 150: Mewtwo

Here he is, the big bad himself. Mr. 150.

Mewtwo is the closest thing the Pokemon games have ever had to a final boss, and does he deliver?

Hell to the yes.

Mewtwo is a psychotic psychic with the voice of Dan Green and the temperament of an omnicidal maniac. When he was created to be the world's strongest Pokemon, everything went horribly right.

Mewtwo is a badass son of a bitch who can turn your brain into spaghetti with a glare, and conjure up world-drowning storms with a wave of his hand. He wears badass armor at one point, but then says "screw it" and wreck's Giovanni's shit before doing his own thing.

Which is either creating an army of clones to rule a perfect world, or sitting around in a cave, depending one whether you're watching the anime or playing the game.

Special mention must be given to manga Mewtwo, who wields a battle spoon and is bound by his DNA to Blaine, the Cinnnibar Gym Leader.

Yes, this really happens.


anyway, just what sort of animal is Mewtwo supposed to be? I've heard cat, but he doesn't really look it at all. Not his ears, but his head kinda looks a little feline. Also, what's up with that second neck? That always looked really distinctive to me.

I think that's part of why Mewtwo is so threatening: he looks like he might have been a recognizable creature at some point, but he's been twisted and warped into something else. He totally looks like a god-tier lab rat, and finally capturing him is the feater in everyone's Pokemon cap.

Overall: 10/10

No. 149: Dragonite

oh shit just look at this derpy son of a bitch

Okay, no. This is not what the pinnacle of "dragon" looks like. This is what you get when you take the Dragon Tails dragons and tell them to introduce you to their Japanese cousin. Dragonite sucks ass.

Dratini to Dragonair is a logical progression. But for Dragonite, they changed the color, completely changed the skeletal structure, changed the head-wings into antennae, and gave it the derpiest grin this side of Herpingsville.

I really wanted some sort of giant majestic sky snake dragon, terrible and beautiful at the same time. But instead, I got some sort of sing-a-long reject.

at one point Dragonite even carried some mail. What the hell. That is stupid and lame and Dragonite is a slap in the face of dragons everywhere.

Overall: 1/10

No. 148: Dragonair

ANOTHER silky smooth majestic beast!

I sure hope that this trend continues!

anyway, Dragonair is also pretty nice-looking. It's a bigger Dratini, with bigger wings, a slightly bigger horn, and beads on its tail. Also it can fly, and control the weather.

That's so crazy. Imagine if you had one, you could just make it be sunny all the time, or have snow in July. That wouldn't spit in the face of nature and cause butterfly-effect-level catastrophe in China.

Dragonair is one of the few Pokemon that I think I would describe as "beautiful". It is elegance personified.

Overall: 10/10

No. 147: Dratini

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Dratini is so cute... awwww...

Seriously, there are some Pokemon that are badass as hell, some that are ugly and stupid, and then there's the ones that give me a heart attack from so much cute.

Like, Dratini is almost Eevee-level cuteness. Giant watery eyes, cute little horn, round ol' nose, ear fin-things and awwwwww!

Dratini is officially the cutest dragon I've ever seen, even though it's more like a sea serpent.

I also like how you totally know the texture without even thinking about it. Dratini is slick and smooth and silky, you just know it. If you cuddled it in your arms, and then squeezed hard, it would just slip out with a ZOOP sound effect. Yeah, totally ZOOP.

Overall: 10/10

No. 146: Moltres

Who want's some Kentucky-fried Chicken?

and yeah, if you didn't get the uno-dos-tres Spanish counting name scheme going on for the legendary birds, I just said it just now, so now you have no excuse.

But Moltres.

Not too hot. (ohohoho I crack myself up)


He looks like a phoenix, okay, but... kinda generic. Orange-yellow chicken body, and just wings and tail set on fire. Ho-oh is a much cooler legendary bird of fire, but that's something we'll get to in time.

Moltres just looks kinda stupid to me, and not at all what a legendary beast of flame and fury should be like.

hey, this is a good time to bring up the third Pokemon movie. The one where that asshole wanted to capture all the legendary birds, yeah? That guy was a dick. When he lost, he just stared at his ancient Mew card and was all "...and so it begins again..." like he didn't even learn his lesson. What a douche.

but now that I think about it, doesn't he have the right mindset? He's actually trying to catch 'em all, unlike Ash, who gave up after like 10 episodes.

but yeah, Moltres... meh.

Overall: 4/10

No. 145: Zapdos

This episode of Not All Pokemon are Created Equal was brought to you by the Spanish Numero Dos!

Zapdos is my favorite legendary bird, because he has the most badass beak, and he just looks the most wicked and jagged.

Seriously, he look like what a hot lick on a guitar sounds like: biggitty biggittty biggitty biggitty bannana bannana bannana bannana WAKITA WAKITA WAKITA WAKITA PREEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW BADDLE-OO-BAYW







...whew... I'm all worn out now...

Overall: 8/10

No. 144: Articuno

And so we begin our descent into the legendaries of the first generation.

Okay, first things first, in Japan, Articuno is named Freezer. Or, phonetically, Freeza. That's right, just the same as Freezer/Frieza from DBZ. Same katakana.

So Articuno is Frieza, that's pretty cool. (get it? get it?)

But the rest of Articuno is not that impressive. Big ol' tail, yeah, tiny beak, I don't know... if they had gone all the way, and made him a giant snowy owl, like in that animated Sinbad movie, then things could've been amazing.

But as it is, Articuno is just meh.

Overall: 5/10

No. 143: Snorlax

Snorlax what are you doing down there. You aren't even a legendary or a dragon type. You don't belong there.

Snorlax is a fat piece of lard who doesn't give two shits who knows it. He'll just frigging fall asleep on your dumb ass, or on top of your picnic, or in the middle of the god-damned road, and he will just sleep there, content in the knowledge that there is no damn way in hell that you are getting his ass to move.

Snorlax reminds me so hard of Totoro. Except Totoro actually does shit, whereas Snorlax just eats and sleeps.

So he's a man after my own heart.

Snorlax is a fat bastard, and I love 'im.

Overall: 8/10

No. 142: Aerodactyl

KREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW

I don't like Aerodactyl. He has a big old derpy jaw. He has a pot belly.

He's another one of those ones that really should be a dragon-type, but that would be overpowered, but screw it, couldn't he have been a great typing, but only okay stats?

but still, I don't really care for Aerodactyl. He's ugly as sin. I do remember him being in the last verse of the Pokerap, though.

Charmeleon!
Wartortle!
Mewtwo, Tentacruel, Ae-ro-dactyl!

...

Overall: 3/10

No. 141: Kabutops

I see your creepy, and raise you my intimidating.

It's like a horseshoe crab just freaking decided to stand up on dinosaur legs, get spikes all along its back, and then grow gigantic terrifying scythe-hands.

Kabutops is basically a Godzilla monster.

also, it apparently has a scientific name: Kabutops Maximus. I think that if your full name contains the phrase "maximus" anywhere in it, you are a complete and utter badass.

anyway, I just wish Kabutops was available earlier, because I really want to use one in the main game.

Overall: 10/10

No. 140: Kabuto

Remember the Kabuto puzzle in the ruins of alph?

Kabuto is a nice little Pokemon. He looks sinister, but also just small enough to be a little cute. But in a swarm, oh sweet jesus look out.

There's nothing wrong with Kabuto at all, honestly. He looks like a creepy little bugger, and his job is to be an ancient shellfish, which by definition is a creepy little bugger.

and MAN, check out this sprite from crystal: 

HOW CREEPY IS THAT??

and now in Black and White, he floats, and honestly looks a little too much like a metroid for me to feel comfortable, especially since his specialty is draining moves.

Overall: 9/10

No. 139: Omastar

Now HERE'S something to frighten the children.

Omastar looks like Omanyte, but with spikes, teeth, and tentacles comeing out of his armpits.

and that's Cthulu-level terror, right there.




Okay, maybe its not, but it still looks threatening. I don't want to get near such and ugly bastard. It might eat my finger, and possibly suck my face off.

but compared to the other fossil Pokemon out there, Omastar is kinda weaksauce.

Overall: 5/10

No. 138: Omanyte

If Jurassic Park did it, so can the Pewtwer City museum!

Omanyte is a cute little neener, who probably was just too naive and got tricked into bathing in the tar pits.

But forget Omanyte, let's talk about his inspiration: The Freaking Nautilis. This bitch lives near the surface of the ocean, but when it gets hungry, it sinks all the damn way to the bottom to find food, which it does by swimming backwards. Then it floats back up. It does this all the god damned time. And it has been doing this for millions of years. There were nautiloids chilling with the dinosaurs. Also the nautilis has more tentacles than your average anime.

It's kinda say when your fictional, battling monster doesn't even compare to the real deal.

Overall: 3/10