No. 186: Politoed

Nyoro~~n...

Someone messed up with the name. Politoed is pretty much an actual thing, when animals have too many fingers and stuff. Politoad would've been a frog-themed pun.

But then I have to say: Why the hell is this a Poliwhirl evolution. The swirl is different, the color is different, the body structure is different, no gloves, the eyes are completely different, it is NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THE SAME DAMN THING. What the hell. Why didn't they just make another frog line if they wanted to. Or do something else.

And why would you want a pure water-type when you could have Poliwrath, who's part fighting?

Dumb Pokemon, dumb evolution.

Overall: 2/10

No. 185: Sudowoodo

You totally thought it was a grass type, didn't you.

So you sent out your Quilava, and bu-bu-bu-BWHAAAAAAAAT??? Not very effective!? Sudowoodo uses rock blast?? OH NO!

but seriously, that was a clever thing. Unless you had a guide or something, it totally caught you by surprise. I think it's kinda strange that there's only one in the entire game, because it isn't nearly legendary, but whatever.

I can't give Sudowoodo shit about being typed wrong, because that's the point. It mixes it up, and confuses you.

Well played, Gamefreak. Well played.

Overall: 6/10

No. 184: Azumarill

The the best thing that starts with "Azuma-" is Azumanga Daioh.

So, is this one Raiblue? I guess I actually like it better than Marill, because it at least tries to be a bit different. With that bubble pattern and all.

Because the ears are ripped from Wigglytuff, and the tail is still... wait.

It is an egg that someone photoshopped body parts onto. Look at it.

I mean, LOOK AT IT. Now I can't see it any other way. It's just - it looks shopped. I can tell from some of the pixels, and because I've seen quite a few Pokemon in my time.

Overall: egg/10

No. 183: Marill

it's Pikablue!!

Seriously, look at it. They wanted Marill to be the new Pikachu so hard. Cute little face, easy-to-draw design, rodent ears, zig-zaggy identifiable tail. They tried so hard.

Except screw Marill. Useless crap that doesn't nothing. I resent his existence, and don't appreciate the cuteness at all.

Unlike Pikachu, Marill has no characterization in the anime. If they made it have even the slightest semblance of a personality, then maybe I wouldn't be so harsh, but it is what it is.

Also, I've been making a lot of frigging typing errors as I hammer this bad boy out. I blame Marill.

Overall: 2/10

No. 182: Bellossom

If Bellossom was a 90s action cartoon, would it be named Bellawesome?

Bellossom loses a type when it evolves from Gloom, but since that type is poison, its no big deal. So the question is this: is Bellossom better than Vileplume, who, if you'll remember, I actually kinda like?

the answer is this: it depends. If you're into cute feminine things, then Bellossom totally has you covered. It looks like a hula dancer flower. If you aren't into that kind of stuff, then go with Vileplum, because it has a stinky flower on its head that reminds me of Toad.

Remember that one time in the anime, in the short before the second movie, I think, when a bunch of Bellossoms did a dance for Pikachu and pals? That was pretty neat.

Also Bellossom is a good thing to come out of a pokeball in Smash Bros, because sleepy opponents are opponents that will soon be dead.

Overall: 7/10

No. 181: Ampharos

Can we call this one the black sheep of the family?

It doesn't look much like a sheep, but at least it has the tail and ear-horns to tie it all together.

Ampharos is one of my favorite gen 2 Pokemon, and I don't really know why. I guess because it seems so noble and humble, being a lighthouse and all. It makes me feel calm. I don't even know why I like it so much, I mean, it looks more like a kangaroo than a sheep.

It's also one of the few Pokemon that actually look good rendered in 3D, because the generic latex texture the shitbrains responsible for Battle Revolution used actually look good on it.

I liked how you had to find medicine for it, it was a more human and touching task than saving the world and thwarting evil organizations. I always thought it weird that Jasmine didn't have an Ampharos...

But, despite how much Ampharos calms me down, and makes me nostalgic, and inspires nobility in all who bathe in its radiant light, I still kinda wish that the Mareep evolutions had continued to get woolier and woolier instead of sheared. Oh well.

Overall: 9/10

No. 180: Flaaffy

Half-shorn sheep are not cute.

They are terrifying. Just like when poodles get trimmed so that they are naked in parts but fluffy in parts, I don't like it.

But I do like how even thought the wool changed, and it turned pink, the horns and tail remain similar, so you know they're in the same evolution. Nice to see such continuity.

but back to my point: When nature designs an animal to be covered in hair, then shaving that hair off will look terrifyingly horrifying. Like those naked sphinx cats, or whatever. Why would you shave a cat? That's just cruel. Cats have nice furry coats, and it's a hell of a loss to shave it all off.

Unless you have a medical reason, or are a world-class assassin, don't make yourself bald.

Overall: 4/10

No. 179: Mareep

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

Mareep is a great Pokemon. It makes sense, looks great, has a great name, and is quite useful. But first, let's take a look at that tried-and-true formula for making a Pokemon, that we've not brought up in a while:

Step 1. Take a recognizable animal (in this case a sheep)
Step 2. Tweak it a bit (stripedy ear-horns and tail, blue skin)
Step 3. Add something crazy (electric ball)

It totally works, because sheep are made of wool, right? and wool makes static electricity! So an electric typing makes a ton of sense, unlike some other Pokemon where they just decided "pigs are psychic, right?" and moved on.

and the name! Mary, as in "Mary had a little lamb", plus sheep, and it all sounds like the kind of noise a cute little sheep-like animal might actually make!

The shiny form is also amazing, it looks the the same, put with pink wool. that is adorable.

Overall: 10/10

No. 178: Xatu

Xatu can see the future, as well as the past.

Gazing out into the endless expanse that is time, he beholds everything in creation, spread out before him and yet simultaneously. He sees that which has not yet come to pass. He sees all, knows more, and tells little. He is Xatu. Stare into his eyes, and you will see forever.



erm, anyway, yes. Xatu. Cool stuff. Looks like a totem pole. He absolutely wrecks fighting-types, which can come in handy.

I like how unique he looks. He's got a lot going on, design-wise, but it works. Unlike some later Pokemon with seemingly random splotches of color thrown on haphazardly.

and hey, the guy can see all that was, all that is, and all that will be. Gaze not too long into his eyes, or else you might lose yourself.

Overall: 8/10

No. 177: Natu

Know what I hate?

The bulbapedia physiology entries. I mean, this is what they have down for Natu:

Natu is a tiny, mostly green bird Pokémon with a nearly spherical body, and with accentuations of red, yellow and black along with its main coloration. It possesses brightly colored, yellow-and-red wings with thick black stripes. The wings are small and not fully grown, thus making it unable to fly. Natu has a red crest on the top of its head, and its three-toed feet and three tail feathers are also red. Natu also has almond-shaped eyes and a yellow beak.

Dear lord, was that not the most useless paragraph ever? How about just writing "frigging look at the picture dumbass" and it will give them all the same information. The only thing of any note whatsoever in that block of pretentious bullshit was that Natu apparently can't fly, which is strange, because I taught mine Fly. So whatever.

But seriously, those things are pointless. In rare cases do they provide any new information, like for example if the picture of Golbat was with it wrapped up in its wings, then a paragraph describing the mouth would be useful, because I can't see the mouth. But if I CAN see the damn mouth, or the color of the eyes, or the "nearly spherical body" then don't tell me about it, dammit.


oh yeah, Natu. I like him, he's a bird, but some bright spark made him also psychic-type, which is a unique combination. He reminds me of a Native American design, which I'm sure is what they were going for, and Xatu will make it even more obvious.

Overall: 7/10

No. 176: Togetic

Wait, what is this thing again?

Seriously, I don't remember this one at all. I don't remember it in the anime, or ever seeing it in-game, whether in the wild or in a trainer's party. And I know for certain that I never used one myself. No way in hell was I gonna raise that piece of shit Togepi.

wait...

IS THAT A NORMAL-FLYING.  FAIRY-FLYING. HOLY HELL IT IS.

You know how I feel about this kind of crap. You KNOW it.

Togetic just looks stupid and lame and dumb and useless. I don't like the bulbous body and head seamlessly transforming into eachother, I don't like the facial features that look incredibly pasted-on, I hate the dumb tiny little baby wings, and I don't like the loss of the shell. It seemed to merge into the body, wtf is up with that?

geez, What is with all these horrible Pokemon lately. Hopefully the next one can save me.

Overall: 1/10

No. 175: Togepi

Okay, no.

Togepi... why did you have to be a thing. You did nothing of value, got in trouble, acted like a crybaby, just went "DUR HUR METRONOME LULZ" a few times and basically was a big pain in the ass.

That said, finding Togepi in the dig site, fairly early through Kanto, really teased a second generation, and was exciting for find a completely new Pokemon. Also, I like how it would close up into an egg and hide in Misty's bag. That was cool, and shut it up at the same time.

So I guess I can't completely hate on Togepi. It certainly looks like gold compared to the last two jokers. Or at least bronze...


Overall: 3/10

No. 174: Igglybuff

Yet another useless pink turd.

I tolerate Jigglypuff because she's in Smash Bros, mainly. But Wigglytuff is pretty stupid. And then I friggin' draw the line at Igglybuff.

What was the reason? Was there anyone, anywhere, that honestly looked at Jigglypuff and said, "I wish I had a smaller, weaker version of that thing!"

And the eyes aren't even green. Or teal, or whatever the hell color Jigglypuff's eyes are.

Baby Pokemon suck, man. Some are okay, but they mostly just suck.


Overall: 1/10

No. 173: Cleffa

Oh joy.

Remember how much I hate the Clefairy evolutionary line? Well, I hate it lots.

And Clefable is a useless piece of garbage. Baby Pokemon are useful for giving established Pokemon with minimal evolutions some more forms, you you can raise them with more fun. Like Magmar, for instance. Having a Magmar is okay, but if you can start it as a Magby, then you get the joy of evolution.

But with Cleffa, you just get the joy of a stupid useless piece of shit evolving into a BIGGER piece of shit, which then you can waste a goddamn moon stone on to turn it into an even BIGGER piece of shit.

Cleffa, I don't care that you are shaped like a star. That doesn't do jack squat for me. Go away, Cleffa. I wish you'd never been born.

Overall: 1/10

No. 172: Pichu

Because, you know, Pikachu just wasn't cute enough.

But it brings up a bigger point: Pokemon can breed in Gold and Silver. They couldn't before. Pokemon eggs are treated as new discoveries. Apparently no one had ever seen a baby Pikachu (which would be a Pichu) before.

That would be really, really stupid.

Did everyone just assume Pokemon popped out of the ground, or maybe that they weren't a renewable resource, or what!? How in the hell did scientists NOT discover "hey these animals make the sexy and do an egg".

But actually, given the amount of lenience in breeding partners found in Pokemon, (hot Skitty on Wailord action!) perhaps they DON'T actually make the sexy. I like to think that there is a legendary stork Pokemon that literally flies around and brings eggs to expectant Poke-parents. It would make a lot more sense that way.

Oh, and Pichu. I love Pikachu, but Pichu is dumb. It did not need to be cuter. Also Pichu was a waste of a slot in Super Smash Bros. Melee. Screw Pichu.

Overall: 3/10

No. 171: Lanturn

Lanturn reminds me of a submarine, for some reason. If only it were yellow...

Actually, I think that might have been kinda what they were going for. Chincou and Lanturn don't really look like anything specific, but they definitely look fishy, which is what counts.

Actually, you know what Lanturn looks like? A goldfish. Maybe that's it...

I wish it had kept the + shaped eyes, because that was cool. And I don't understand what the point of the top electric dongle is, because that is nowhere near the mouth.

I don't think I ever used a Lanturn, and I actually kind of want to now. He gives off that dopey-cute look, like Quagsire. Wait, we haven't gotten to Quagsire yet. Whatever.

Overall: 8/10

No. 170: Chinchou

There was a time when people said, "you can't mix two types that are opposed to each other in the same Pokemon!"

Then along came Chinchou, and they saw the error of their ways. It was possible, after all, for two dissimilar elements to coexist in one perfect body. The thunder and the seas could learn to work together, instead of against one another. And so Chinchou came into being, frustrating the hell out of ground types for years to come.

Chinchou has a great typing. Since you will probably have a ground type on your team, the ability of water to destroy fire doesn't matter that much, so it's almost more useful to have a grass type. Except those usually suck, whereas water is useful for surfing, and electric is just cool. But it feels like such a waste to have both of those, when you could consolidate them into one Pokemon. Except that's just what Chinchou is. Like the late great Hannah Montanna, the best of both worlds.

But as for the Pokemon's design itself, Chinchou is great. Very cute, unique eyes that remind me of the positive sign on a battery, he's like a cute lil' angler fish. With two angles. Niiiiiice.

Overall: 10/10

No. 169: Crobat

Ah, the first of several new additions to old Pokemon lines.

And it has the problems that will become typical of such "bonus" Pokemon.

To start with, it is purple. Not blue. Which completely spits in the face of the Zubat and Golbat color theme. Next, it grows another set of wings, its current wings get smaller, and it closes its mouth.

Damn, it's not even like the same pokemon, is it!?

They changed like everything about Golbat. Zubat to Golbat was about bigger mouth, bigger wings, staying frigging blue. Crobat just goes "screw that mess I'm doing things my own way!"

and, honestly, it looks cool.

I don't like the dumb evolutionary progression, but Crobat looks a helluva lot cooler than Golbat. But why the hell does it evolve with happiness? Golbat is like 42% Piss and 13% VInegar by volume, it should not need "happiness" to reach its final stage. It should evolve just by sheer spite.

Overall: 6/10

So yeah, shinies.

Guess those guys at Gamefreak heard me shooting my mouth off about shinies, because they apparently remote-hacked my game to make me find a shiny today. Shiny Cubchoo, which looks like this:  

 Which honestly I can't complain about. (the normal flavor is light blue instead of the purple) But your bribes will not win me over, Gamefreak! You still need to be less stingy with the shinies!

No. 168: Ariados

This one is weird.

Like, weird even for Pokemon. For one, it has two legs on its back. They - they're not doing much, just kinda chilling there.

Legs don't go on the back, Ariados, what are you thinking.

Then, it abandons the butt face (bad move) in favor of... two spots and a stinger? I guess it still kinda looks like a face, but only in the way of "hey look two things and then another thing sad chair is sad lol" that only stupid shitheads think is entertaining.

And it keeps the horn and mandibles, managing overall to look just enough like a spider for us to go "That was once a spider? Oh god where did it all go wrong." So in that sense, it totally works. It looks alien and "other", and that fits for a creepy bug thing.

So actually, while I prefer the cute little Spinarak, and would like to see a more literal interpretation of a spider, Ariados does what it set out to do: Creep us the hell out.

Overall: 8/10

No. 167: Spinarak

Aw, look at this cute little dude!

He's a cute bug, with a happy face to see you! Don't worry about the spiderwebs that keep you from running away... that just means he likes you!

Seriously, Spinarak is neat. He reminds me a little of a skultula, in that he has a face on his back. Isn't there like a real life spider with one of those? Maybe, I can't be assed to find pictures right now.

But some people might notice that Spinarak is not technically an arachnid, because it has but 6 legs. To which I respond, "that's why its a Pokemon not an arachnid dumbass" but really I don't mind. It is a simplified design, and it works well.

Stripedy spider legs is cool, but why the little horn? I think they just kinda throw that on when they don't know what else to do. See: Seel, Nidoran, etc.

Overall: 9/10

No. 166: Ledian

okay, time to actually focus on the Pokemons at hand.

Ledian is alright. Certainly not great, and about as useful as a hammer made of tin foil, but he doesn't inspire me to anger.

I kinda like it when bug pokemon are made more humanoid, like Ledian does here. It looks a little like it's wearing a helmet.

Actually, Ledian might be the coolest looking ladybug I've ever seen. Which isn't saying a lot, but hey. You didn't suck. Good job, Ledian.

Overall: 5/10

No. 165: Ledyba

okay Ledyba is a dumb bug whatever

So shinies. I got beef with them.

What I wish, is that if they are going to be so rare, that they actually look like cool variant colors. For most Pokemon, using a monochrome color scheme with bits of red would do it. Just look at shiny Charizard and Rayquaza. They are freaking beasts.

but even still, they should not be so rare. Like, I should be able to find at least 6 shinies in the course of just playing the game. That doesn't garuntee I'll get the shinies I want, but I would have some and it would be awesome.

Especially since I could just trade online with hackers and get all the shinies I want, the rarity is only frustrating, but not actually real. If they were just really rare in-game, then people wouldn't bother with hackers, they'd just deal with the rarity.

but seriously, would it be too much to ask for shinies to not SUCK ASS all the time? Color inversion =/= cool times. Use some sense.

Like, Ledyba's shiny is just the same but a slightly different orange. what a little piss.


What if the shiny was black with red spots? Wouldn't that kick so much ass?

You know it would.


and I guess I should deal with Ledyba while I'm here. well, here's the deal - it's a dumb little bug. whatever.

Overall: 3/10

No. 164: Noctowl

Ash caught a shiny Noctowl, the lucky bastard.

But I was never so lucky. Although a shiny Noctowl is kinda lame as far as shinies go... but I'm gonna take some time to rant about shinies.

They often are sucky pieces of shit. Half the time they can't be bothered to pick out another color scheme, and just give them a different color tint. Sometimes it is slight enough to be head-deskingly pathetic.

This is regular Scyther.

And this is Shiny Scyther.


If you thought to yourself, "wow that is a good alternate form that I am willing to waste a 1/9000 chance to get" then you are obviously a shit-eating cock-sucking mongrel bitch and I hate you. THAT IS THE WORST ALTERNATE COLOR EVER.

Why couldn't they have made it red? Then it would be like a proto-Scizor. Or white, that woulda looked badass. But not-quite-the-same-green? Shockingly horrible.

But that brings me to another point: They are far too rare. I have only caught one, ever, and it was Beedrill, check out my post about Beedrill to find out more. But that is in so many hours of play, only one legit shiny.

And then when you find it, you get this turd:

Look at him. He looks like a ball of shit.

Man, I have a lot to say about shinies. Who's up next, Ledyba? Okay, I'll give you the rest tomorrow, I don't have much to say about Ledyba.




oh wait, I was supposed to talk about Noctowl. Well, he's an owl, and is a freaking NORMAL-FLYING TYPE ARGH GOD DAMN THESE FEATHERY FREA-okay, this is just too much rage. But I stand by what I have said in the past: Too many normal/flying types. You gotta be great for me to care at all.

Overall: 2/10

No. 163: Hoothoot

I like to pronounce it "hoo-thoot"

Except wait. Pokemon are named based on what they cry out, right? So Hoothoot went "Hoot! Hoot! Hoot-hoot!" and they named it Hoothoot.

But... what if it was just a regular owl? What if Hoothoot is just a completely normal owl? It's like if they saw a dog and thought it was a Pokemon named Arfarf. It is baloney.

also, does Hoothoot have two legs, or one? I think I remember seeing it run, once, but it also hops on one leg... it's cooler if it only has one, so I'm going with that. Although that would make it pretty obvious that is isn't just a regular owl. Then why was it making a sound like a regular owl? At least its better than Seel, who apparently makes a sound like what he looks like. That's like if all fat people went around saying "Fatty! Fatty! Fat-fat!" and then Prof. Oak entered them in the pokedex as "Fattie".

what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, Hoo-thoot.

Overall: 5/10

No. 162: Furret

No, not furry. Furret.

It's actually a kind of cool pun. So Sentret is a sentry, right? Then Furret is like a furry turret, like some sort of adorable Age of Empires thing.

Also, it can learn surf, which is pretty damn cool. I imagine it just belly-surfing like and otter, which it actually looks like quite a bit.

But in the end, it will just be a lame normal-type, so that costs some points. I like it, but I wouldn't use one at all.

Overall: 7/10

No. 161: Sentret

Sentret is Gold and Silver's Ratatta.

Except whereas Ratatta has a divisive name and is completely unremarkable in every way, Sentret is cute as a button and looks very distinctive.

Sentret is kinda like a raccoon, but with the instincts of a meerkat. And a giant round target on its chest, making it a favorite game of poke-hunters.

and does Sentret remind anyone else of a stuffed toy? It does to me.

well, whatever, Sentret is more memorable than Ratatta, but still just an early-game normal type.

Overall: 6/10

No. 160: Feraligatr

CHOMP

CHOMP CHOMP is what Feraligatr does. He is all about the CHOMP.

but, I find him a little disappointing as well. He's pot-bellied. That - that's never been cool. Ever. If he was just a fat bastard, then we could talk, but hunchbacked and pot-bellied is not my image of "badass crocodile".

story 'bout Feraligatr, though: In Soul Silver, there's a house where you can battle trainers. Some of the trainers are provided by the game, but if you've connected with any other people, then the game makes a record of their team and puts them in the house as well.

I did not know this.

So I come up to a trainer, the first one I talk to in this house, and I notice that he's got the same name as one of my friends. This is not spectacularly eventful, so I don't think anything unusual is going on. Then he sends out his first Pokemon. "Go, Flesheater!"

holy shit.

You do not know how much I pissed my pants hearing and NPC sending out a Pokemon named "Flesheater". It wiped out most of my team, and it didn't help that he had a Gengar named Soulsucker and a Machoke named Godkiller as well. The rest of his team were HM slaves, so I was somehow able to make it through. Then I got his parting speech, which presumably is taken from some sort of field you can enter somewhere.

"Bitch!"

man oh man, what a great time.

But yeah, Feraligatr is kinda threatening, but he just doesn't do it for me.

Overall: 7/10

No. 999: Wargreymon

awright, finally we get to this badass!

Wargreymon is pretty much the biggest badass there is. He basically uses Goku's spirit bomb as his attack, he has armor and shit, and remember Blackwargreymon? HOLY SHIT THAT DUDE WAS LEGIT.

He just went around, screwing everything he came across, villains and heroes alike. He honestly didn't have a single shit to give.

anyway, I sill have this one transformer one, that goes from Augumon to Wargreymon. (talk about a digivolutionary leap!) and it's still really cool, and actually looks great in both forms.

The entire Augumon line is just full of so much win, and Wargreymon is a perfect capstone. Or it would be, if we still didn't have the forms beyond Mega to cover, which I guess I will do for a few of the major lines. But not everything, because damn.

Overall: 10/10





happy April 1st, everybody.