No. 237: Hitmontop

We've been over the Hitmonlee/Bruce Lee-Hitmonchan/Jackie Chan thing, right?

So then this nutsack comes in to ruin the pattern. Who the hell is "top"? Johnny Top? Is that a person? No. no it is not.

I get that it is upside down top spinning fighting dude, and that's cool and all. I actually really like that. But I don't see why it has to be a -hitmon.

and if you asked me, I'd pick Tony Jaa as the next one. Hitmonjaa. He knees and elbows you. Can't be beat. If you haven't seen Ong Bak or The Protector, you should see them. and their sequels.

So, I like the idea, but not that he's shoehorned into in evolutionary line he doesn't belong in.

Overall: 7/10

No. 236: Tyrogue

I think I knew a kid named Tyrogue, growing up.

I kinda like the idea behind this guy. It connects the Hitmons, and is a unique split evolution.

however, I think we all need to see this.


see that at the bottom there? Teddiursa is taking a lit-tle too close a look at an obliging Tyrogue. Not sure what to think about that.

OH GOD and look at Feraligatr right behind them. The guy who chose the locations for those pictures is laughing his ass off right now.


Overall: 7/10

No. 235: Smeargle

some people like Smeargle.

I don't because he is a dipstick to the max.

Tongue sticking out, tail wetted with dubious paint (where does he get it? He doesn't - augh, he DOES, doesn't he!), stupid beret on his head, he paints the town green, or red, or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, he can learn spore and dreameater and flamethrower and all these great moves that you normally can't get all on one Pokemon, but screw it. That doesn't make me happy.

He is still a gimmick Pokemon, which means mediocre stats, a normal typing, and some stupid bullshit face to try and make me pretend I give a damn. Go back to France, Smeargle.

Overall: 1/10

No. 234: Stantler

Don't you give me that look, Stantler.

Seriously, stop looking at me like that. Stop it. JESUS STOP STARING AT ME LIKE THAT


okay, so the double-combo of Stantler's antler-eyes and disapproving stare has got me all worked up. Also, I don't like the look of that rump. That rump has a bump that doesn't sit well with me. Is it a tail, or an inflated buttock?

and the jowls. Lord, those jowls. I don't know any deer or elk, or anything with hooves for that matter, that has jowls. Dogs and people have jowls. Not deer.

Stantler, you are seriously creeping me out in ways I don't think were fully intended.

and stop staring at me.

Overall: 4/10

No. 233: Porygon2

updating to the modern age, like it was 1999!

I find it hilarious that they made this new, sleeker Porygon but still displayed it with shitty gbc graphics. Not really helping, guys.

and despite my utter confusion about what to think about Porygon, I know exactly what to think about Porygon2.

It is stupid.

Porygon was kinda cool an unique, and thinking about him reminds me of the n64 days with nostalgia. But Porygon2 looks stupid and asinine, and I don't like it. Even more laughable was that Porygon2 as represented in Pokemon Stadium 2 still looked nearly as wonky and angled as Porygon.

Overall: 2/10

No. 232: Donphan

rollin' rollin' rollin'

In the first Pokemon movie, there was that part in the beginning where Ash fights this other trainer. That was a good battle, with some nice animation, but the highlight for me was definitely Donphan. I liked how that movie teased some of the 2nd gen Pokemon, just to work us little kids up.

And boy, did they pick a good one when they picked Donphan.

He's a rumble tough elephant who rolls along like wheel Kirby except his ears stick and flap around. That's freaking incredible.

Donphan is one of my favorites from the 2nd gen, because while he could've been a boring-ass old pachyderm, they stuck a tire along his back and made him badass.

Overall: 10/10

No. 231: Phanpy

I always want to write it "Phanphy, pronounced "fan-fee"

Did anyone have those little palstic elephant slides as a kid, where you'd slide down the nose and stuff? anyone?

because I didn't. My slide was basically made out of those waffle blocks, except super-sized. We used to put on end in the kiddie pool and slide into the water and stuff. Also I remember putting a bunch of action figures on it, like a fortress, and then power-washing the HELL out of them. I don't think I was supposed to do that.

but what does this have to do with Phanpy? absolutely nothing. Phanpy is a boring little elephant that should go back home to Animal Crossing.

Overall: 5/10

No. 230: Kingdra

Kingdra is a beast.

I hear he's one of the best non-legendary water types around, with two possible awesome abilities, little to no weaknesses, and great stats.

Also, I like how the naming convention works in this evolutionary line.

Horsea --> Seadra (take the last syllable of the first, is becomes the first syllable of the next)
Seadra --> Kingdra (keep the last syllable the same)

and so when you look at Horsea --> Kingdra, there is nothing in common, but that Seadra in the middle ties it all together. I like stuff like that.

But I think Kingdra could've been made to look more threatening. More scaly and sharp, like Gyarados.

Overall: 7/10

No. 229: Houndoom

Demon Dog! Demon Dog!

As you will come to know, if a Pokemon has a dark sub-type, chances are is is pretty awesome.

This becomes apparent especially in gen 3, but Houndoom and Houndour are obvious examples. They have a nice edge to them, and just look cool. The only bad thing, is that you can't find Houndour in Johto, only in Kanto, which is pretty stupid actually. You can't get him until you beat the elite 4 the first time.

and I think I like how bulky and stocky Houndour looks as opposed to Houndoom, who is a little lankier. They're both cool, and Houndoom is much more demonic, but his muzzle looks kinda like a duck bill. So there.

Overall: 9/10

No. 228: Houndour

two-stage fire-type dog Pokemon? You mean Growlithe and Arcanine?

No, I mean frigging Houndour. The angsty, angry cousin of Growlithe. This is the kind of dog that kills other dogs, and hurts children.

I don't like dogs.

One barked at me when I was little, or maybe bit me, but I don't like them. I'm a cat person.

still, I like a few dogs (see the perfect 10/10 that Growlithe and Arcanine got) and Houndour I must admit is pretty badass. He's got some sort of skull thing on his head, and what looks like more bone armor on his back.

He tries to look evil, and succeeds. Great design.

Overall: 10/10

No. 227: Skarmory

I used to think this guy was really cool, but now I'm not so sure.

I mean, he's got a lot of sharp edges, and a razor tail, but he looks like one of Robotnik's robotocized chickens.

although, that picture makes it look a lot more dumpy than it really is. I'm looking at the sprites, and they're a lot more flattering.


It's still not the coolest thing around, but it's not bad, either.

Overall: 6/10

No. 226: Mantine

Manta Rays are frigging majestic.

Some of them grow to 12 feet across. That's bigger than a grand piano, and it's just floating around, eating plankton and stuff. They are pretty awesome animals, I have to say.

Which is why perhaps Mantine seems a little underwhelming. He's big and has special defense like no one's business, but as a type he's extremely weak to electric, and isn't even Gyarados. They have the same typing, so I'd pick Gyarados every time. And then Mantine doesn't add anything to its base, besides being a little cuter and having a pouty fat-face mouth.

A manta ray could've been done more scarily, or more majestically, but I guess Mantine will have to do.

Overall: 6/10

No. 225: Delibird

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He's a bird.

Aside from that novelty, and the lulzy nature of the Present move, there's not much Delibird has to offer. In fact, that's all he learns naturally. If you want him to actually be reliable in any way, you have to get him the TM for Ice Beam and Blizzard and stuff.

And even then, he won't be of much use.

also, Delibird is in the dubious category of "Pokemon carrying items" that doesn't sit quite well with me. Where do they get the bag? Who makes them? What are they made of? All these questions and more will never be answered, because Santa Claus exists only in the minds of the true believers and young at heart.

and since I'm a jaded bastard who's rating Pokemon, I'd say I'm fairly in the cynical range by now.

Overall: 4/10

No. 224: Octillery

Okay, what the hell.

Seriously you guys, what the hell.

This is Remoraid's evolved form.

That's right.


THIS

evolves into THIS



I have no clue what the ass piss Gamefreak was thinking. Is it a code bug? I wish. Octopi and squid are cool, and it makes me sad that they never got a full evolutionary chain. Wouldn't some electric squid Pokemon be awesome? You know it would.

But randomly, Remoraid grows a few legs, loses its internal skeleton, and frigging CHANGES IT'S ENTIRE PHYLUM OF CLASSIFICATION ARARHGAHRGAHRGAHR

seriously, I think I speak for us all when I say: WHAT THE HELL.


Octillery is a cool guy, he just has a completely nonsensical evolution. if only we could have had something better...


Overall: 4/10

No. 223: Remoraid

Remora, wasn't that the name of some girl in a children's book? like with Beezus and something?

wait, that was Ramona. Whatever. You know, sometimes I didn't like that girl. Like a Remora, she was just a parasite and a drag on her family, always being troublesome and stuff. sheesh.

But at least she made life exciting, unlike Remoraid, who is pretty dull. Pure water-type (like we don't have enough of those already) and while it has a neat ecological niche in the Poke-world, that doesn't translate over to battle. It can't hitch a ride on your opponent's Pokemon, draining their HP while you send out a new Pokemon to battle. Also, it has another gigantic failing that I will address tomorrow.

Overall: 2/10

No. 222: Corsola

I love how people keep forgetting Corosla is a rock type. c'mon, people.

I think a coral Pokemon is a neat idea, and Corsola handles it well. If it didn't have eyes, you'd probably think it was just a piece of coral, but BAM it's a Pokemon, bitch.

It always strikes me as strange, though, that Corsola appears to not be able to move her body at all. In the Stadium games, she just kinda bonks around statically, like a plastic toy you dropped as it settles. But she doesn't seem to have any points of articulation.

So how does she move? I suspect Corsolas are hollow. Inside, there is a lot of water, and Corsola moves by contracting their insides to throw the water around. Like, you know when you have a half-full milk jug and you slide it, then it stops and then slides a little more because of the milk sloshing around? Imagine if the milk could slosh itself around. That could create movement.

and I really wish Corosla evolved into some sort of multi-cannoned coral battle fortress or something.

Overall: 7/10

No. 221: Piloswine

Paw, thet shore as a Pile o' swine ya got they-ur

So, still a great typing, but now it looks kinda stupider. I mean, I like the tusks, but it reminds me more of a shetland sheepdog than a boar.

also, look at that hump. Just look at it. Think about what it looks like under that fur. I shudder when I think of those stubby legs, and that giant fat sack that it keeps on its back. To keep it warm I guess? I could see that being an evolutionary advantage.

Oh wait, this is Pokemon, Darwin's rolling in his grave so fast they made a solenoid out of him and are using it to generate electric power for the Pokecenters.

Overall: 6/10

No. 220: Swinub

Shoutouts to Buuta from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann,

Swinub is a very useful little guy.

I've always maintained that if you want to be able to deal with any type in the game, then you can do that with only 6 types of your own:

1. Ice - the only type strong against Dragon
2. Ground - the only type strong against Electric
3. Fighting - the only type strong against Normal

also, each of these types are strong against 4 or more types, meaning you cover a lot of ground with just this "big three".

4. you should have a Dark, Ghost, or Bug type to deal with Psychic and Ghost types. Dark is obviously the best choice here, but I like the other types more, so I tend to go with them.

5. Either just grass, or a water and an electric type. Lots of people think they have to include a water and an electric, but if you have the "big three" then grass is all you need to cover the types electric and water do.

6. Similar thing as above, where you can use one flying, or a fire and a psychic type. So that Pidgeot you caught is more useful, type-wise, than your Alakazam or Charizard.

So as you can see, just 6 solo-type Pokemon can cover all the bases. But since dual-type Pokemon are a thing, you can get extra coverage, or pick up Fire with your Fighting type and Psychic with your Grass type, this freeing the flying slot for a Pokemon you just like.

[edit: as of Gen 6, this is no longer accurate. You now also need a Poison or Steel type to deal with Fairies.]

ANYWAY

Swinub is Ground-Ice, so he gets two out of my "big three" right there. That's some good shit. You can run something redundant like Machamp and Hitmonlee, and be cool.

Overall: 7/10

No. 219: Magcargo

In France, they pronounce it "Mag-car-gott"

I like how there just seems to be the idea that a snail is just a slug that put on a shell, instead of how they grow their own shells and are quite different species.

Because, dammit, it looks like that's all they do. Like how if any crab goes inside a sea shell, it evolves into a hermit crab.

So Magcargo is cool, because he is a flaming magma snail, which fits with the idea of magma slowly rolling down a hill, and a snail slowly oozing its way across your porch.

has anyone ever stepped on a snail? Don't they crunch and shit? Isn't that gross as hell? I had a dream I was eating cereal in bed, and then I turned the bowl and there was this nasty-ass snail on the side of my bowl, and more all over my pillow, you'd better believe I woke up fast as a flying fart.

Overall: 8/10

No. 218: Slugma

A lot of people think this is a Gen 3 Pokemon, for some reason.

See, I always picked Typhlosion, so I never had much use for another fire type. But Slugma is alright. I used one in the disappointing Pokemon Coliseum, and it was pretty good.

Again, I'll say it: the 3 steps to a great Pokemon design.

1. Take a base (slug)
2. Make is different (jowl things and horns)
3. Add something awesome (entire body is made out of bubbling lava)

see? great stuff. also, I liked the Heat Path in Sapphire, where you could also find Slugma. Fire types seem to be thrown in randomly in most games, because there's hardly ever any "volcano" area, but there was one of those in the third generation.

Overall: 8/10

No. 217: Ursaring

it is a bear

I kinda wish that Ursaring had kept the crescent moon thing going from Teddiursa. I mean, I guess it has a full moon now, but a circle is more boring that a crescent. Actually, if Ursaring had a crescent-shaped crest on its forehead like some samurai helmets, that would be badass beyond belief.

but as it is, it's okay. Just kinda being a bear, nuthin much else. Good thing bears are hardcore, otherwise this one would fall flat.

Overall: 6/10

No. 216: Teddiursa

Bears are either cute or badass, there is no other way.

and Teddiursa is very far on the "cute" side. just look at dat widdle bear. he gets his hands all sticky wicky with honey, and then adorably licks 'em off! he's so cuuuute!

If I was like a mom, I'd probably want to cuddle one of these things, and maybe put them in diapers, or something. I don't know, that's things that moms like, right?

I dunno, I'm not a mom. I'm just spitballing here.

Overall: 8/10

No. 215: Sneasel

This one reminds me of my sister's cat. That cat is really smart, but also pretty sassy and uses her claws.

okay, so, I don't know what Sneasel is supposed to be. A weasel? Um, weasel's don't have giant claws or feathers, and I'm pretty sure they tend to have more elongated bodies.

But who cares, Sneasel is cool. She's a dark-ice type, because hell, we need more ice types. It's kind of live what happened to Jynx, they just threw that in there.

But I like the idea of some vaguely-cat shaped thing having feathers and badass claws. It's a fairly original idea, and it could only come from Pokemon. I also like the asymmetry, I think that's something that could be played around with a lot more in Pokemon. Things like Bulbasaur's spots, for example. Just little things, I'm not talking about Digimon-level "one arm is a mechanical sword and the other has halos of light and also my dress only covers one leg and also I have a big wing on one side of my head my name is Evangelimon"

Overall: 10/10

No. 214: Heracross

oh, HELL THE SHIT PISS YESS

HERACROSS IS PROBABLY MY SECOND FAVORITE POKEMON EVER. I LOVE FIGHTING AND BUG TYPES AND WHEN YOU COMBINE THEM IT JUST GETS SO AWESOME THAT I HAVE TO TALK IN ALL CAPS.

but I'll dial it back as best I can.

Heracross is amazing. He lives in trees and eats honey, and then comes down to mess shit up. He's based off the Atlus beetle, which you KNOW is a hardcore bug. hella hardcore.

When I played Soul Silver (not heart gold cuz I'm not a bitch) I of course had put a Heracross on my team. So I find one, but it's a female. Now, this usually isn't a deal at all for me, but female Heracross has lame horns. And I'm going to be looking at that backsprite for a long time, so I don't want no stupid-ass horns.

compare this (male):

to this (female):



uh, no way. So I had to breed it until I got those majestic horns. I rarely breed Pokemon, because I don't usually care about creating a perfect specimen, but I bred for an ideal Heracross. that's how much he means to me.

Overall: 10/10