No. 288: Vigoroth

DUDE IM TWEAKIN OUT HERE WHOA MAN

But when Slakoth evolves, he suddenly gets the ability to stay awake FOREVER.

This is a much better ability, and it made me almost not want my Vigoroth to evolve.

As for his design, I think it's actually a little hilarious that he's a sloth on speed, and his red forehead fur reminds me of the Dying Will Flames from Katekyo Hitman Reborn. but wait, look at his back. Are those Pikachu stripes? Does Pikachu share some sort of lost evolutionary link with Vigoroth?

I hope so, otherwise they're just frigging stripes there for no reason. This is what pisses me off about Pokemon from the 3rd gen onward - they just have random spots and stripes for no apparent reason, that don't add to their design at all, they just clutter it up. I'm tolerating it for now, but I won't for much longer.


Overall: 6/10

No. 287: Slakoth

guys im so high right now you dont even know ha ha

Just when you thought Pokemon couldn't get any lazier than Snorlax, you meet this guy. Dude legitimately slacks off every other turn, because he just can't be assed to show up for EVERY SINGLE TURN, c'mon guys, that's like, a bunch of work and stuff.

I admire his audacity to just fly in the face of convention, and Gamefreak's audacity to create such a miserable pile of shit, but then we come to the crux of the matter - he is a miserable pile of shit. Completely impossible to use, and frustrating to try and level-up.

But he sticks to his theme, and his guns, and I like that. So it balances out.


Overall: 5/10

No. 286: Breloom

Does this guy remind anyone else of Fraggle rock? No? Okay, then.

See, Shroomish was pure Grass so Breloom could be Grass/Fighting without stepping on any lost Poison-type-toes.

Also, Breloom is pretty much the opposite of what I would expect a fighting mushroom to be like. I would expect a muscly little dude with a Toad hat and boxing gloves with spots on them, I guess. But some sort of mushroom dinosaur is cool, too.

And he's surprisingly powerful. I used one once, didn't expect much, but got a can full of ass-kicking, ready to be unleashed. His design is a little busy, though, and I don't know where the red claws came from. but he's still a badass.

Overall: 8/10

No. 285: Shroomish

Oh, he's making the Shroom face again.

Just look at this fat asshole. He saw what you just did, and he is completely unimpressed. He's seen a man put his entire hand in his mouth before, did you think doing an ollie would impress the Shroom? Because it didn't. His level of excitement is exactly the same as it was prior to your little "trick". His heart rate didn't even drop, because he was never expecting anything at all, so he didn't even get disappointed. You better try harder than that if you want the Shroom to crack the tiniest of smiles.

anyway, he's a little mushroom that doesn't look like Toad. "Shouldn't he be Grass/Poison? All mushrooms are poison!" you say?

Ah-ah-ah, just wait your weak ass up a minute. All things in good time.


Overall: 6/10

No. 284: Masquerain

...You're the star of the masquerade, no need to look so afraid...

Whup. So the water strider evolves into a moth. Yeah, that makes some sort of sense EXCEPT IT DOESN'T. I accepted it with Wingull and Pelipper because they are both seashore-associated birds, but Surskit and Masquerain have nothing in common. Hell, it even loses its Water typing when it evolves, to become the very unique Bug/Flying.

Screw that.

Masquerain has a decent idea going on, but it comes out of frigging nowhere. There should be a line of bugs wearing masks or disguises or being Carnevale themed, where Masky could fit in, but not as the evolution to Surskit.

But honestly, it would have to do a lot more than that if it wanted to get a good score. Because it looks bland as dog food right now.


Overall: 2/10

No. 283: Surskit

I wish we could use water strider technology to make giant legged water-walking vehicles

I always forget this one exists. It's shit stat-wise, and does get any good moves. It learns not a single Bug move, and to make things worse, it doesn't even learn frigging SURF.

as a WATER-TYPE.

keep in mind that it is based off the insect that literally slides around on top of the water, and yet it CAN'T LEARN SURF.

I don't know how I can make my displeasure any more clear. It's a damn shame, because Surskit looks cute as a button, and probably has a neat evolution.


Overall: 3/10

No. 282: Gardevoir

Lookin' good, Ralph!

So yeah, let's address the other elephant in the room. TITS

See, this is what happens: Pokemon are fun times. They are a thing that can be enjoyed. And when some people enjoy something, they want to enjoy it in a sexy way as well. This is why we have fanfiction and Rule 34. But with Pokemon, often the Pokemon themselves display no sexy traits. There are of course those who would disagree, but let's ignore them for now.

But along comes Gardevoir, which, if you squint your eyes and turn your head to the side, almost kinda looks sort like a sexy lady. It has "human" proportions, a thin waist, some sort of hairstyle, big eyes, and a dress. All it's missing is some big honkin' TITS, which fan artists were happy to add. Never mind the blade sticking out of the chest that would impale you if you got too close.



Anyway, Gardevoir is a great Pokemon, ignoring the fanart. A goddamn guardian angel, here to heal my soul and protect my body. A 3-stage psychic type that isn't frigging Alakazam, which is neat. This is an example of an analogue done right - different enough in form and function to make using one on your team a different experience.

And by "different experience" I mean...



Overall: 10/10

No. 281: Kirlia

tiny dancer, in my hand

The funny thing is, I may have known what I was getting into. But I bet a bunch of kids didn't. And got surprised when their androgynous Ralts evolved into the extremely female-coded Kirlia.

I was happy to take Ralph to his ballet lessons, but it seems a bit odd that Gamefreak was so accidentally progressive back in 2002. They had already made female-only Pokemon like Miltank, but decided that the Gardevoir line should be an even 50-50 split? I mean, okay.

not a big fan of Kirlia's design by the way, in case you forgot that this is a review blog.


Overall: 4/10

No. 280: Ralts

I named mine Ralph, which is a pun, but also a reference.

have you ever seen the show Green Acres? It's from like the 60's. Anyway, the handyman the main couple often has to hire is actually a handywoman, named Ralph. Her brother was named Ralph, and it was such a good name her parents decided to name her that, too. So I can very easily see Ralph as a unisex name.

Which matters, because my Ralts was male. And this was Sapphire, so he's destined for Gardevoir.

anyway, Ralts looks like a little kid with a bowl cut and a nightgown, just kinda sleepwalking around. Also his hair reminds me of Weevil Underwood meets Espa Roba, which is I guess cool, because, like Espa, Ralts is a Psychic type.


Overall: 6/10

No. 279: Pelipper

oh god look at his eye that is not normal

Bizarre segmented pupils aside, I like the idea behind Pelipper. A giant seagull would be lame, so they picked another seashore bird and used that.

And you know what, it actually works. I almost want all seagulls to grow up to be pelicans. Giant pelicans. Then I could have them fill their beaks up with water and I could sit inside and they could fly me all over the world. We'd drift on the air currents, and I'd just be in a bathtub essentially the entire time. When I had to shit or something I'd just lean over the side and try to hit people down below. I'd buy a floating table so I could put a TV on it and play video games while we flew. I'd hang christmas lights from the top part of the beak, giving me light when it was night time. And to sleep, I'd just use an air mattress, which would of course float. Me and the pelican would soar over mountains, rivers, oceans, circle around skyskrapers, and hover right outside some CEO's window and I'd just be there, scrubbing my back and stuff, and then he's be all, "GET OUT OF THAT BIRD'S MOUTH" and I'd be all "but he has to carry me in his mouth" and he's be all "WHY IS THAT" and I'd be all "because he doesn't have any pockets" and then we'd both laugh, and the pelican's laugh would create bubbles like a hot tub and that would only make me laugh more.



um, what were we talking about again? Oh yeah, Pelipper. He's fine, but I don't like swallow/spit-up Pokemon very much.


Overall: 6/10

No. 278: Wingull

MINE MINE MINE MINE

Now, this I like. A bird, that isn't Normal/Flying. Genius.

I also like the color scheme. Actual gulls aren't blue, but they just seem like they should be, you know? They should be colored like the Marines of the One Piece world.

actually, I just realized I really like seagulls. Their sound reminds me of the Pacific Coast, where I grew up, and they always seem to symbolize adventure and stuff, like in One Piece (again) and Lord of the Rings. And the gulls in Wind Waker always led you to interesting things. There were seagulls in Mario Sunshine, too. And in the ending credits of Meteos.

so yeah, seagulls are cool, and that makes Wingull cool.


Overall: 7/10

No. 277: Swellow

this is the sound of me not giving a damn

Shitty little bird who thinks he's hot stuff. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, Swellow, but you are an asinine piece of obsolete garbage and I hope your face dies in a fire.

Overall: 1/10

No. 276: Taillow

when the red red robin comes bob-bob-bobbin' along

Do I even have to say it? I hate Normal/Flying types, because they are redundant and uninspired and I hate them.

Now, I understand why Taillow and Wurmple and Zigzagoon exist. They want to have the niches that they had in the first games, but with different Pokemon. And that would be admirable, if they didn't create Pokemon that were just as forgettable and lame.

Compare with the 5th generation. They said, "screw it, let's just start over" and filled the game with nothing but new Pokemon. In the world of Unova, there are no Pidgey. Then they created their Pidgey analogue, because they had to. They had no other choice, that niche has to be there. and could they have done a better job? yeah, but let's get to that in time.

But in the 3rd generation, 1st and 2nd gen Pokemon freely mix and mingle. There is no in-universe reason why Pidgey can't be the little bird Pokemon you find in the early routes of Hoenn. If they had admitted that they ran out of ideas for these kind of Pokemon after the first one, and just ran with Pidgey for 4 generations, I don't think anyone would've minded or cared.

The only thing Taillow has going for it is that it is quite visually different from Pidgey, Fearow, or nearly any other Normal/Flying, because it doesn't use the same brown and tan color palette.


Overall: 2/10

No. 275: Shiftry

Shiftry is one of the few Pokemon whose design I would characterize as completely FUCKING INSANE.

First off, he's the evolution of an acorn to a sapling to a... something? I have no goddamn clue what sort of plant he's supposed to resemble.

Next, just look at all the random shit they threw on him. Bunny ears? check. White fur coat? check. Leaf fan hands? check. Legs that seamlessly transition into one-block geta sandals? frigging check.

Seriously, what in the hell. And then look at its stomach. That is actually its chin. Its mouth opens that wide. Just when you think you have Shiftry figured out, it surprises you with some new bullshit that rocks your world.

And I love it.

Shiftry suggests some sort of tengu-ninja-tree-monk, and I don't give a damn that he comes out of freaking nowhere, evolutionarily speaking. He is the result of some designer getting handed the sheet for Seedot, making Nuzleaf, getting drunk, adding nipples for lulz, then getting high, and creating Shiftry.

Also, and I swear I quote this directly from Bulbapedia, "Shiftry are said to be cruel creatures that enjoy nothing but deliberately injuring passers-by for no reason whatsoever."

DID YOU GET THAT? We thought we had Shiftry figured out, but, hold on to your ass, because it's also sadistic for absolutely no reason! Holy hell! Shiftry is like the Pokemon equivalent of No More Heroes.


Overall: 10/10

No. 274: Nuzleaf

The inspiration of Nuzlocke, Nuzleaf makes his appearance!

What is Nuzlocke, you ask? It's a self-imposed challenge way of playing Pokemon. The general rules are something along the lines of

1. If a Pokemon faints, then release it.
2. You must try to catch the first Pokemon you encounter in a area, and that is the one you can catch for that area.
3. Make a big frigging deal out of it online by streaming your run, making a webcomic about it, posting tweets about it, etc.
4. get emotionally attached to the little buggers like never before
5. get your shit wrecked when they "die"
6. ???
7. Profit!!

I don't do that because I look at my team and say, "why should death stop you from fighting?"


Anyway, Nuzleaf himself is like a sapling, which makes sense, evolving from Seedot's acorn. Nuzleaf has some sort of Zorro mask going on, as well as a long pointy nose. I like both of those things. One Piece has taught me the glory that is a long nose. Little balloon pants are neat, and the leaf on his head is a Grass-type cliche, but still effective in his design here.

But the thing that gets me is his nipples. Why? Why why why? Most humanoid Pokemon don't even have them, so why'd Nuzleaf, ostensibly some sort of tree creature, have to have them? Both the males and the females? WHY.

He's also got a Dark sub-type, which you should take note of. Giving a Dark sub-type to a Pokemon is a surefire way to make it twice as good.


Overall: 8/10

No. 273: Seedot

so many freaking 3-stage Grass Pokemon

And this one isn't going to stand up and make you pay attention to it. A tiny little acorn, with tiny acorn feet. Reminds me of like every other Mario character that way, these little shoes just kinda being there at the bottom.

Seriously, what's up with that? Toads, Goombas, Bob-omps, Kirby, Dick Cheney... Tiny little feet with no legs.

so Seedot is an acorn, which always remind me of a penis, but that's just something I have to deal with. I don't have much to say here, because Seedot is just so plain and unoffensive. It's just kinda there.


Overall: 4/10

No. 272: Ludicolo

oh man you guys remember Mirror B?

Obviously that's not him, that's a Ludicolo. Don't be stupid. THIS is Mirror B:

I do believe that's the 2nd or 3rd biggest afro I've ever seen.

Mirror B knows only two things, and both of them are AFRO. He rocks that hairstyle as hard as he can, which, as we all know, is pretty damn hard. Also his favorite Pokemon seems to be Ludicolo, which is strange, because they don't have anything to do at all with disco.

But they do dance around, apparently. I guess since Bouffalant wasn't invented yet, they had to go with the next best thing, a shaggy-duck-cactus-lily.

Anyway, Ludicolo is of course ludicrous, and also completely out of his mind. The dancing fool lives only to dance, and to sometimes use Hydro Pump and then Solarbeam. Grass/Water is a neat typing, by the way. I like it when types that should be super-effective against one another are paired together.


Overall: 7/10

Mirror B Bonus Rating: Groovy/Discotheque

No. 271: Lombre

Look at that "not sure if want" face

Man, where'd that other set of limbs go? Now he's just some boring kappa thing. Well, having a lilypad for a hat is kinda neat. But I don't like the loss of the blue body, and inclusion of red accents. Why can't he just be blue like Lotad?

This is a case of the design starting to get a bit busy. It's not horrid yet, but the complexity of this one, compared to Lotad's, is unnecessary.

And they should have made the pun more obvious. Lombrero would be so much better.


Overall: 4/10

No. 270: Lotad

now here's a breath of fresh air!

Unlike the last week or two, Lotad is bursting at the seams with originality. He's not really based on any specific animal, just some little critter that has a lily pad on its back.

I think my favorite part is that it has 6 legs. Why? Just to be unique, and I like that. Lotad has a simple yet memorable design that just works.

One thing, though: why does he know Astonish? Are lily pads startling or something?


Overall: 8/10

pseudo-anniversary or something?

One year ago today marks the occasion when I remembered I had a Pokemon blog, and started updating it as close to daily as I could. In that year, I've posted some 250-odd reviews, which I think is pretty good. If I continue like this, I might actually finish reviewing all the existing Pokemon before Gamefreak conjures up another generation.

I'll save the theatrics for the true anniversary, but for now, thanks for reading.

No. 269: Dustox

getting my daily dose, it seems.

Dustox really shouldn't have to be a thing, but since he is, let's just talk about him on his own merits, okay?

First off, I don't believe those are wings. That is a lily pad. Next, his eyes have 3 pupils each, which is more than the regulation standard. Additionally, one such eye-plate would make a badass eyepatch, but as actual eyes I don't like them. He has french bread coming out of his head, and his legs are actually tiny little wormy finger things.

In short, he is a conglomeration of random elements that, when put together, don't suggest anything remotely insectoid to me. Is he supposed to be some kind of poison moth? No bug in the world has wings like that. Dustox has a lot of shit going on, and none of it makes any sort of sense whatsoever.

It is a terrible design and the person who designed it should feel terrible.


Overall: 1/10

No. 268: Cascoon

...is that a cocoon with an attitude? what is this, the 90's?

There wasn't much reason for this entire bug line to exist, because Caterpie and Weedle's lines are already fine, but there was even LESS reason for Wurmple to have a diverging evolution.

And then the mid stage looks almost completely frigging the same, and even has the exact same stats and moves. Why not split at the 3rd form? What the goddamn hell. and that cocoon is trying harder to look edgy than Shadow the hedgehog, really pissing me off.

See, 3rd gen? this is why people don't like you.


Overall: 1/10

No. 267: Beautifly

did I mention we were in the middle of rehash city?

so remember Butterfree? For all the drama about it and Venonat, it wasn't that bad. Not great, but not bad. If it tried, Beautifly could really differentiate itself from the big bug, and really improve on the "butterfly" idea.

So what does it do? Big honking proboscis. Caterpie eyes. The wings are different colors, and remind me of stained glass. Oh, and the feet aren't as long. Other than that, not much has changed.

I know, it sounds like a lot. But when you really look at it, the silhouette is still much the same. And a great character design has an immediately identifiable silhouette. They could've really changed the antenna, and the shape of the wings, but they didn't. It doesn't look intelligent, either. Butterfree at least looked very emotive.

I expected to come in here hating on Beautifly, but instead I find myself merely dissapointed. Butterfree left a lot of room for improvement as far as butterfly Pokemon go, but Beautifly dropped the ball.

Overall: 3/10

No. 266: Silcoon

Silcoon... isn't that what they put in computers and fake boobs?

Okay, first off, does this thing have two eyes, or just one? If it has two I'm going to be pissed. That would make it just stupid enough to push me over the frigging edge.

As it is, we're close. The thing looks dumb, is a blatant remix of Kakuna and Metapod, two already sucky useless Pokemon, and the idea that it has one cycloptic eye is just unique enough to save it from utter disgrace.

Also, why the hell are there spikes on it. I mean, that's another thing it has going for it, but they just seem to damn random. Why? Cocoons never have spikes. How did it spin the silk to make the cocoon if the spikes were there, getting in the way? and if it grows them afterwards, then why don't they puncture through the shell?

Urg, I'm thinking too much about this little turd.

Overall: 2/10

No. 265: Wurmple

again with the rehash


Like the last two, this next batch of Pokemon are shameless rehashes of previous Pokemon. Wurmple is Caterpie and Weedle, straight-up. Except, Caterpie and Weedle still exist in the game, so why did they feel they needed to make another one?

I guess Wurmple is pretty distinctive, actually. It's its evolutions that look paralyzingly stupid, and with a completely idiotic evolution mechanic. But we'll get to that in a - wait. wait, shit, wait. I just realized Wurmple's mouth is a butt.

I can't unsee that now.

wow.



anyway, Wurmple would be cool if it evolved into just a bigger, nastier, spinier caterpillar. Spikes are cool, as I have stated before, and so Wurmple and its butt-mouth are okay in my book.

I never thought I'd describe anything with a "butt-mouth" as "okay" before, but here we are.

Overall: 5/10