No. 634: Zweilous

not to be confused with the zweihander, which is a gigantic badass German longsword.

Speaking of German, we had Deino last time, now it's Zweilous. we countin' now, baybee. And as you'd expect, it also has two heads.

This is a very good evolution, because it takes everything from before and makes it... more. Two heads, with two spikes each. Bigger fuzzy color, two toes a foot instead of one, and the beginnings of some wings. All while maintaining the same colors.

but wait, now that I'm looking at it, doesn't it look like its starting to sprout tiny arms from its necks? huh. That makes it heads look even more like hand puppets, which we'll bring up again tomorrow. Also its back feet just freaking point backwards, in total disregard to the natural order of everything. Between this, and what the dex entries say about its heads always fighting for control, I'm beginning to get creeped out here.


Overall: 6/10

No. 633: Deino

looks like one of the Beatles, doesn't he?


While some Pokemon were designed from a basic form and then "what would this look like but bigger" from there, Deino I think started with the idea of a hydra Pokemon, and reverse-engineered to get to this first stage.

Which is why Deino doesn't really look like a damn thing, because it only makes sense in the context of its evolutionary line. So that's important to keep in mind, because otherwise Deino looks pretty random. It has a muppet mouth, shaggy hair, single-toed feet, and some spike in the back of its head. None of these design choices particularly compliment each other, but the dark color-scheme helps.

Still, even knowing that this is the one-head version, and each subsequent evolution will add more heads, Deino by itself is underwhelming. It does manage to be unique without being obnoxious, though, so I'll give it some credit.


Overall: 5/10

No. 632: Durant

Up next, it's Durant Durant's hit single, "Hungry Like The Mightyena"!


Okay but listen, ants are hard core. They will chew you up, eat your eyeballs, crawl down the inside of your throat, and generally ruin your goddamn life. You don't mess with ants. I mean, sure, pick on a lone straggler here or there, but know that pound-for-pound an ant would thrash your ass so hard. And if you had to fight your own weight in ants? frigging forget about it. One hundred and sixty pounds of ants is something like 256 million ants. That is, in scientific terms, a lot of ants.

So, as you can guess, I come to Durant expecting a swarm of fear, or to be scared shitless, or something. And honestly, Durant kinda delivers. It's a lot bigger than a regular ant, but it certainly looks meaner. Those jaws are not friendly "nice to meet you" jaws, those are nasty "how about I eat your entire leg" jaws. And the way it looks like it has metal plates bolted to it works really well, it makes it look like a clockwork automaton. And its Speed, Defense, and Attack stats aren't bad, either.

I also appreciate how, being Steel/Bug, it gets stomped on by Heatmor, which is its natural predator. In most cases, when two separate Pokemon are related, they're meant to be counterparts to each other. In this case, the relationship is most definitely not equal.


Overall: 8/10

No. 631: Heatmor

I think Heatmor stole Fire Man's arm gauntlets. But that's fine, because those things are wicked.

Now, I think I mentioned back when I reviewed Torkoal how much I like the idea of Fire types spouting steam and/or smoke, and whistling like freight engines when they shoot fire. So, Heatmor delivers on that count. But then it has to go on and have veins of orange, overlapping with grey pipes and grey bands and then more orange claws. You guessed it: too busy, too much shit going on here. The pipes would have been enough, but...

actually, you know what this guy really looks like? one of the little woodies from the Moomins got turned into one of the mechanimals from The Day the World Broke, and if you got both those references you are already privy to 25% of my childhood.

Heatmor has cool ideas, but it's disappointing that he only exists just as himself, no evolutionary line. and again, those stripes are distracting me from giving it very high marks.


Overall: 6/10

No. 630: Mandibuzz

Remember that one vulture miniboss in the Gusty Gulch level of Paper Mario? that was a good game.


I know "mandibles" mean jaws of any kind, but the word always reminds me of bugs. That, coupled with the "buzz" makes the name give off a insectoid flare that I'm sure they didn't intend. Because it's a buzzard. Not a bug. You can tell by the beak.

I'm not the biggest fan of the design, though. I prefer to think of my vulture as stooped and gangly, not all crumped up together. Perhaps they do this in real life, but when I want to see a picture of a vulture, I want to see them leering their head down, all sinister-like.

The bone in the hair is a neat touch, though. Also nice to see that Mandibuzz learns Bone Rush, which shows someone was actually thinking. I wish some Ghost types learned that move, actually.

aside from that, I guess Mandibuzz is just sorta boring to me. After the glory and grandeur that was Braviary, I was expecting its counterpart to be more evil and threatening.


Overall: 5/10

No. 629: Vullaby

Doesn't she kinda look like Bowser Jr. riding in the Koopa Clown Car?

let's look at that "car", by the way - it may be a diaper, but it's an upside-down skull. That's pretty badass when you use your enemy's skull as a diaper for your kids. In fact, that sounds like it could be a Duke Nukem quote: "I'll shit in your skull like a diaper."

but anyway, there hasn't been a vulture Pokemon before, and Vullaby is even kind enough to be Dark/Flying, so it's a not-overused typing. That neck fringe looks nice and cozy, too.


Overall: 7/10

No. 628: Braviary

It's a known fact I haven't always been on the nicest terms with the avian family.

In both real life, and in Pokemon. I shat all over Pidgey for being unoriginal and weak and lame, and I've proceeded to do similarly for every random "I took a bird and drew it like it was in a cartoon" bitch-beak I've come across since. See, birds smell, they're stupid, they aren't as soft as you'd think, and one time I got bit by a peacock.

So it may come as a shock, but I freaking LOVE Braviary here. It's pretty much everything I wanted in a Normal/Flying type: a color scheme that isn't brown-and-tan or grey-and-gray, cool elements that you don't find on a real-life bird, and a badass name.

Let's start with the colors. Red, white, and blue. This bird is America. We are known as the home of the brave (among other things), and Braviary is straight outta George Washinton's wet dreams. Oh, and it's Japanese name is Wargle, like a War Eagle, which is crazy badass. Because besides being a giant feathery death beast, it also has Indian-like feathers coming from its head. It looks Apache, in a way. Which fits with the USA theme.

Braviary is just so damn awesome, I don't even mind that you have to get a Rufflet to level 54, he's far and away the best Normal/Flying type around. Even stat wise, he beats every Normal/Flying but Togekiss, but forget that mess. Braviary is #1. USA USA USA USA


Overall: 10/10

No. 627: Rufflet

Shout-outs to Isabel J, whoever the heck you are


It's kind of a dick move to have a Normal/Flying type this late, isn't it? I mean, I guess it'll help with the Fighting-type Elite 4 dude, but your team is so weak that adding Rufflet to it will make it significantly better, you have bigger problems than not having a Rufflet.

but Rufflet is cute enough to at least catch your eye. It looks really soft and fluffy, and those stocky little legs are a plus. I don't really like birds, but this one is almost okay in my book. I think it's the absolutely gigantic head that does it, because if it wasn't so cute it'd be out in the absolute gutter with all the other pigeons and swallows and crap. I mean, it's still another pointless Normal/Flying that specializes in Physical Attack first and then Speed, so just getting a now-awful score is an achievement.


Overall: 4/10

No. 626: Bouffalant

Get out of my Pokedex, Lambo, your manga isn't even good.


Some people might say this is a rehash of Tauros, and in some way they're right. In the same way that a Bison is totally ripping off of a bull. Which is to say, they ought to be related by evolution.

If it was a true evolution of Tauros, though, I'd want it to have those three tails, but each one with a hairball like a mini-afro on it. That would be just wonderful.

see, I like Bouffalant, if only because he has an afro. That's always a plus, in my book. you also can't say that he's an overdesigned mess. Maybe it could do without the horn rings, but ehh. Still fine. in an endgame populated by giant robots, power rangers, and hydras, Bouffalant keeps it on the dl.


Overall: 7/10

No. 625: Bisharp

I kinda wish that they hadn't gone with a chess theme for these guys, because there's nothing chess-like about them at all.

Okay, Bisharp definitely takes the idea and runs all the way with it. And he doesn't just stop at home plate, either, the guy just keeps running, past the plate, past the dugout, over the fence, over the bleachers, out of the stadium, and just keeps running.

It's like a Power Ranger, except instead of being the "tiger" ranger or the "triceratops" ranger, he's the "ginsu knives" ranger. Apart from the body blade, which honestly look like they'd cut the inside of his own arms, he's pretty well balanced. The Kinnikuman crest is appreciated, but I'm not sure if the gold was necessary. His legs are amazing, though, unique looking boot-feet, and you know already that I love poofy thighs. okay that sounded wrong

but in the end, I'm sad to say, Bisharp looks like a Robot Master, not a Pokemon. While I believe the 5th Gen mostly kept a lid on things, we've seen recently that they kinda gave up near the end. really fun design (with a few minor flaws), but doesn't belong in this game.


Overall: 4/10

No. 624: Pawniard

I bet kids used to call him Pawnerd


He looks kinda samurai-ish, which is neat I guess. But I'd think that would make him more Steel/Fighting, than Dark/Steel. Maybe it's because he's an asshole?

Also reminds me of Blade Man from Mega Man 10.

Other than that, I have surprisingly little to say about this guy. Which is strange, because he's got 7 different blades on his body, which is more than the regulation standard (2.5), has a crazy typing, and has the eyes of a hardened killer. Maybe chalk it up to my feeling lethargic today, but somehow none of that really impresses me.

Okay, I'm lying, he's a badass. I'm just feeling too lazy to get excited, is all. I'm not sure he's all that well put together, though - those chest blades make him a bit unbalanced, and his hand blades aren't as threatening as they could be. Overall, he's cool, but is either trying too hard for just a first-stager, or not trying hard enough to be a truly crazy awesome dude.


Overall: 7/10

No. 623: Golurk

Golurk, take off!!


okay, if you didn't know this before, you just haven't been living as good a life as you could have been. But I'll tell you know, so it'll be okay: Golurk can learn Fly.

I'll say it again, so that it truly permeates your being: Golurk (that's the big guy up there) can learn Fly (the move where you fly up in the air and then crash down). Golurk can learn Fly.

While this may be a significant argument that Leibniz was right and we are living in the best of all possible worlds, there is also the fact that Golurk is hella Digimon. like, hella Digimon. The design is good, if it were supposed to be a lone ancient warrior, like a legendary or something. But as a regular... eh...

The crack and strap on its chest are major culprits here, they hint at some older history that gave it the scar, and that someone tried to fix it. also the shackles on the wrists and ankles. I mean, I still love the fact that Golurk is a Ghost-powered golem that flies around like a Gundam, but c'mon. That's barely a Pokemon.


Overall: 6/10

No. 622: Golett

rough-n-tumble, rock-n-ready

Ground/Ghost is such a strange type. I'd expect it out of a mummy, because they're sandy and stuff, but we had like two shots at that and it didn't happen. I mean, a golem works, but I never really expected it, especially since you can just have a living rock or clay monster in the Pokemon world, and it doesn't need any more explanation other than "it's a Rock and/or Ground type".

that said, Golett is an alright guy. he punches stuff and possibly curls up into a rocky ball. I think his design is a bit busy, though - are those straps really needed? or if you gotta have them, then maybe cut down on the semi-random patches of color differentiation. There's a little too much going on here. A cool dude, but we're bordering on Digimon territory here.


Overall: 5/10

No. 621: Druddigon

don't look now, a doodle from a 3rd grader's notebook came to life!

In all honesty, Druddigon is freaking terrible. It looks like it was drawn in crayon, with serrated edges substituting for scales/spikes/muscles. And not even crayons from those nice 64-color sets. No, this was drawn in a restaurant on the back of a children's menu with a shitty set of restaurant crayons, where they only give you a crusty red, waxy blue, and tallow yellow. You can't even mix the colors to make the more advanced ones like green or purple, either. No matter what you mix, it becomes brown.

anyway, those wings are atrocious. They look fake as hell. The head just kinda sits there, completely disassociated from the rest of the body. If it was the upper jaw, it might be okay. But it isn't, so it isn't okay. And we don't even have to mention the belly plates, or the red dragontales-looking spikes just thrown goddamn everywhere.

You know, maybe this was a shot at Western conceptions of what a dragon is, from a salty Japanese designer. "they think they're so cool, drawing dragons standing upright with spikes and not even a single whisker," he thinks, "I will show them the error of their ways with a parody piece".

but then it got accepted by accident. bad luck all around.


Overall: 1/10

No. 620: Mienshao

Has anyone ever been to one of those Chinese operas?


I see them advertised all the time, and maybe they're better than regular operas, which are usually just fat people singing in Italian for extended periods of time. The plot moves slowly when it isn't staying completely still, and in some occasions even seems to move backwards. A Chinese opera would have more kung-fu in it, though. And I can definitely deal with extended periods of kung-fu as the plot stagnates, that's pretty much every Tony Jaa movie ever.

I bring up this topic because Mienshao looks like its from one such production. The long flowing sleeves and pastel colors, with a coy glance to the side. but on the body of a nondescript Dr. Suess-looking mammal. Which is to say, ridiculous and ostentatious.

actually, you know what it really looks like? the love interest in the hypothetical next Kung Fu Panda movie. Looks Dreamworks as shit. A fair enough design for such a character, but as a Pokemon I feel we've gone out of control. I wanted to see a master monk, not a prissy dancing courtesan.


Overall: 3/10

No. 619: Mienfoo

reminds me of Mei Chang from FMA

I like Mienfoo a lot, but it's a pity it comes so late in the game. Because by then, there's already a stable team of bros and/or hoes that I use, and kicking someone off the team that late in the season would feel wrong. But I do appreciate that new Pokemon continue to happen at this point, because in other games nothing evolves past level 40 except the pseudo-legendary, so in the lategame you just find fully evolved forms of things you've already seen, and maybe the odd single-stage tough guy.

But in Gen 5, there are like a dozen Pokemon that don't reach their final stage until level 45 or later, which means that you get the thrill of evolution longer, and you find new exciting Pokemon further into the game, and the overall pacing is just better. When I recently played Black2, I never had to grind for anything except Clay's gym. Other than that, I just did all the main-story quests, and walked past all the trainers. I barely even stopped to fight wild Pokemon, because I was gaining exp at such a perfect rate.

but back to Mienfoo itself - ambiguously a weasel or ermine or something, but it knows kung-fu. simple design, no random splotches of color (the neck band nicely breaks up the head and torso, and the eyebrows are just that, so they are appropriate), and it has an adorably fierce look in its eyes. I can't really think of anything wrong with it, aside from it being the 4th line of purely Fighting types you've encountered...


Overall: 9/10

No. 618: Stunfisk

boy, I could go for some flapjacks right about now.


Stunfisk is a ugly son of a skunk, like most... whatever those fish are called. You know the ones, that go flat, move their eyes to the side of their face. Jesus, what are their names again? flatfish? whatever.

Notice the ! on the back there, that's a nice touch (the only remotely nice touch). It's like, you step on it and !!!!! you're getting electrocuted  funkass !!!! 

in other news, the combination of yellow on two shades of brown, arranged in a cow-pie-like manner isn't doing much other than making me think about piss and shit. so if that's what they were going for, then they absolutely nailed it. If they were after some other, less-noble goal, then perhaps they should re-evaluate their lives.

oh yeah, flounder. that's what that kind of fish is called. still a stupid crap. the ! is even pointing the wrong freaking direction, asshole.


Overall: 1/10

No. 617 Accelgor

If you like ninjas, you should all read Dr. McNinja. It is a webcomic about a ninja who is also a doctor, and it's great. this is free advertising, Mr. Hastings, you should be paying me.


So, here's the deal - trade a Karrablast for a Shelmet, and they both evolve, but not like you'd expect. Karrablast apparently steals Shelmet's armor, and uses it to evolve into Escavalier. and Shelmet, after having its pride and joy ripped from its hands like a cruel tennis player taking Twizzlers from a fat kid, goes berserk.

but after that, it calms down, and trains. It trains like a Bruce Wayne, and develops the ability Sticky Hold, so that it will never have to know the pain of something being taken from it again. It becomes a ninja. It becomes the night. It becomes revenge.

It also becomes one of the fastest mo-fos around, and generally looks like a badass. That pose, I have to say, is one of my all-time favorites. Leaning back with arms crossed, I mean. The ninja scarves and helmet are bonus points.

really, the only NOT amazing thing going on here is that it's only pure Bug, which somewhat limits its ability to do things, but it certainly looks cool doing what it does. and also if we're being honest here it looks nothing like a Pokemon. but that happens when you become a friggin NINJA.


Overall: 9/10

No. 616: Shelmet

remember Karrablast and such?


well, I hope so, because these guys may be separated by quite a few dex numbers, but they're deeply related. Though I guess we'll get into that with the evolution.

Shelmet is not much to look at, honestly. the helmet has a snail shell-esque crest to it, we get it. strange-ass pink thing making kissy-lips, nothing to see here, let's move along folks. not a complete train wreck, just something no one would waste any time on. especially since it isn't even Bug/Steel.

Just wait til it evolves, that's when the shit gets crazy.

Ninja-crazy.


Overall: 2/10

No. 615: Cryogonal

the world's angriest snowflake

I'm not sure what I think about this guy. It's a rare no-evolution Pokemon in this 5th Generation, and also the 3rd straight pure-Ice type. Sure, it specializes in Defense, but is that really different enough?

that's something that bugs me. Unova has a bunch of creative new typings for Ghost and Bug, but at the same time it has like 4 pure-Psychic lines, 4 pure-Fighting lines, and 3 pure-Ice lines. Not much ingenuity there, huh?

But back to Cryogonal, I just think it's a weird face it has. I don't know if that's a mouth or mustache down there, and I don't know if the eyes are supposed to be fierce or happy. They're in the ^_^ shape, but for some reason they look imposing to me. Like they're angry. But in the end, they're obviously just a glowing circle behind a mask of sorts. It's ambiguous, is what I'm saying.

I mean, I think he looks kinda cool, I like the interlocking look (like Cofagrigus' face), but I don't think Cryogonal is really anything special, either. just too damn confusing.

Overall: 4/10

No. 614: Beartic

Polar bears have always been my favorite kind of bear.


I like how Beartic is basically a triangle with arms. He's like a mountain, that turned into a bear or something. The icicle beard is pretty cool, but I think it could be even more pronounced.

speaking of pronounced, we can't NOT pay attention to Beartic's crotch. Not since the days of Michael Jackson and David Bowie has a crotch region been so prevalent. You can't tear your eyes away from it, it almost seems to draw you in, like a black hole. Actually, that sounds even dirtier than it is. It's a white bush, is what it is. There is a Pokemon that is a triangular polar bear with a gigantic tuft of hair on its crotch, and that's just something we all have to live with.

it's even more obvious in the 3D models, which makes me think that Gamefreak knew exactly what they were doing here. It's not a case of "oh I drew some lines and you guys thought I was accentuating the pelvic region? whaaaaaat" it's a case of "yeah that bear's got a big crotch, you wanna fight!?"

also Beartic really sucks in the game, because while Icicle Crash is okay, not being able to make use of like ANY OTHER Sp. Atk Ice Moves and being slow as a frozen brick is not.

If you ignore the bush (which is hard, I know) then Beartic has an alright design. but if you ignore the everything, even Dunsparce has an alright design, so I'm afraid this bear should just go back to hibernating. If that's something Polar Bears do, I don't know, I never watched the Discovery Channel.


Overall: 3/10