No. 255: Torchic

in other news, EVO is frigging hype.

In that Pokemon Mystery Dungeon manga, based on the game, the main character gets transformed into a Torchic. Not exactly sure why, because Torchic doesn't seem to be too popular, but it evolves into a true badass, so maybe they were looking ahead?

anyway, I like the name, and the overall design, which strikes me as very feminine for some reason. anyone else? eh. But I miss the actual fire on the body. Charmander, Cyndaquil, they both have live flames. Torchic doesn't, I don't think.

Overall: 6/10

No. 254: Sceptile

GREEN GREEEEEEEEEEN

This one is bad for a completely different set of reasons.

First off, that little red belt looks stupid to the extreme, couldn't the entire belly be red? You know, like Treecko? Then there's the fact that he actually LOST some leaves. No head leaf, and he has less wrist leaf blades. The ones he has, however, are now the same green as his scales, which is a pretty bad design choice.

now, how about that tail? Forgoing the split-tail thing, it is an actual tail with leaves growing out of it in an X-shaped cross-section. Why? who knows. Maybe it has something to do with those GODDAMN YELLOW BALLS ON HIS BACK WTF.

are those supposed to be berries? Why would he have them all of a sudden? How are they just growing there at all? Who thought this up? When was this foreshadowed? What sort of plant is this supposed to be inspired by?

urg. this is the final for of our Grass starter? shit. And to think this guy was my first choice, too... besides Absorb, the only Grass move he learns is Leaf Blade at level 29. And he's the only starter of this gen NOT to get another type. Complete waste, with a stupid and uninspiring design.


Overall: 1/10

No. 253: Grovyle

Leaner, meaner, greener.

I feel like Grovyle is trying too hard to be cool. He's got razor sharp leaves all over the place, and is sneering like a jerk. Also why that green belt, that just looks stupid.

I've always admired Grass-types for growing not only their animal features, but their foliage as well. I mean, I was impressed with Hoppip's evolution of a dandelion, for crying out loud. But Grovyle? That forehead leaf comes out of nowhere, the ambiguous fat tails become leaves, and he sprouts wrist slashers. I'll admit I like the wrist-blades, but the rest feels a little sudden, for some reason.

Overall: 4/10

No. 252: Treecko

starting the 3rd gen with a bang, it's Treecko!!

I love this little guy. He looks kinda cute, but also you can see a hint of a badass in him. I liked how he always chilled like a boss in the anime, with a twig in his mouth like he just didn't even care.

and I've always wondered - is his tail split, or merely creased? I mean, does he have two bulbous tails (a proper gecko only has one) or does he have a leaf-like tail that happens to look like two tails?

He also reminds me of a swordsman. Maybe because I've seen him drawn as Goemon from Lupin III and Zoro from One Piece a few times.

Overall: 9/10

The worst Gen 2 Pokemon

This gen has the dubious honor of holding the worst Pokemon ever to exist, the existential terror of horrible design and mind-boggling ugliness, that bloated, visibly retarded, piss-poor pale pansy himself, Dick Cheney.

No, seriously, I mean Dunsparce. Of course.

Here's my bottom 5:

5. Cleffa
4. Togetic
3. Snubbull
2. Wobbufett
1. Dunsparce


urg, I feel a little sick. Hey, why are those nearly all normal-types? Maybe because normal is the worst type, idk.

What do you guys think? Who are the stinkers of this generation?


3rd gen reviews start on Monday.

The best Gen 2 Pokemon

These 10 are my favorite gen 2 Pokemon, which of course means they are the best, because my opinion is the best one.

1. Heracross
2. Typhlosion
3. Scizor
4. Mareep
5. Donphan
6. Raikou
7. Chikorita
8. Steelix
9. Quagsire
10. Sneasel


But, adding in my Gen 1 favorites, here is my cumulative Top Ten 10/10 Pokemon:

1. Haunter
2. Heracross
3. Scyther
4. Machamp
5. Pinsir
6. Typhlosion
7. Blastoise
8. Magmar
9. Scizor
10. Charizard

But enough about me. What do you think, who are your top Gen 2 Pokemon?

2nd Gen Summary

Well, that's 251 Pokemon in the hole, 3 generations and over 400 more to go.

The Gold/Silver games have a reputation as the best games, from a lot of people. And the remakes even more so. But are they right? In terms of overall rating, the 2nd gen averaged 5.8/10. This is less than the 6.2 of the first gen, but not by much. Putting them together, the 251 Pokemon in the Gold and Silver games give you a solid 6/10 average. Which is above average, but nowhere near phenomenal.

I think these first two generations get a lot of nostalgia-fueled overrating. They contain some real gems, like Scizor and Raikou, but also the single worst Pokemon of all time, Dunsparce. And the proliferation of babies taking up space also hurt matters.

The addition of dark and steel types is great, but ghost and dragon remain woefully neglected. and if you want to talk about the original GBC games, they are trash. Don't bother. There is no point, beyond pure nostalgia, to play them instead of the remakes. Heart Gold and Soul Silver are objectively better games, I dare anyone to argue me on this.

Top 10, worst 5, and some other filler things coming up, and we should hit the 3rd gen next week.

No. 251: Celebi

Of Serebii.net fame, direct from Ilex forest, iiiiiiiiit's...

CELEBI!!

*applause*

okay, thanks for coming out tonight! So, Celebi, what are your talents?

Time-travel, eh? That's pretty neat! And you protect the forest, is that so. Now, Celebi was recently (as of 17 years ago) in a movie, so let's check it out!

wait, what? You... you're just running away. That's not helping the forest. Okay, and now you're time-traveling out of there, like a little bitch, and yanking this kid along with you. what the hell. Damn, I can't stand this shit, let's skip to the end.

...

what the SHIT BALLS!? You get captured easily, then get turned evil, and then make a shredded-wheat monster to wreck the forest. And then Ash has to save you, because you're powerless to do anything even remotely resembling helpful by yourself, and okay bad guy is beaten, but you're all dead. Now heal up, Celebi. Eat the damn berries. Look, Suicune even got his lazy ass up and freshened the lake. No? Still nothing? how about - aw, shit, what is going on. Alternate timeline Celebis are coming over to help you? Is this how we really do things here? Goddamn.

Yeah, take that kid back. WHA-WHA-WHA-WHAAAAAT?? The kid was Prof. Oak all along? that's kinda neat, but not enough to save this movie.


oh, Celebi, you're still here? Well, go home to another time period, I don't want you here. You are a little forest sprite, and in the same type as Mew. Except you fall drastically short. You are not as cute, have no personality, and are way too weak. I like your typing, and your design is okay, and Perish Song is a badass move, but shit, Celebi. That movie was crap.

Overall: 3/10

No. 250: Ho-oh

Hostess - that's the stuff!

Remember this dude? From way back in episode 1, flying over the rainbow. He is, in a way, the summation of the entire Kanto and Johto arcs. Ash started as a newbie, lost and confused in a strange world much larger than himself. After taking his first big step, befriending Pikachu, he looks up to see an unexplained mystery Pokemon. A living legend, that not even Prof. Oak can tell him about. Now, many episodes later, having placed in the Kanto League, he takes on the Silver Cup. But before that, what does he do? He protects the very flame of Ho-oh, no longer an apparition to be seen in the sky, but a very real and very tangible presence, that he is on level with. He chased down his dreams, and in in position to make them his own.

and then the shit brain goes and loses to someone running 3rd gen Pokemon. Asshole.

So, what do I really think about Ho-oh? I hate the fact that it doubles up on Legendary Bird typing. I've said before, in my Sunflora post, how I think there should be a Sun or Light type, and Ho-oh should be of that type.

in any case, it looks really cool, like a giant mythical legendary Phoenix, so that wins it some points, but Lugia is still much more awesome, and the damn redundant typing makes me angry.

Overall: 6/10

No. 249: Lugia

come at me bro

Lugia was a boss in that one movie. He talked the truth, was a cool guy, and didn't get beat like a weak bitch, unlike most legendaries in movies.

I really think his design works well. He's definitely smooth and sleek, like a killer whale. Then he has giant hand wings, and little flaps that fold down when he dives. God, I love those little tabs on the back.

Yeah, I see a lot of whale in Lugia. Which is why it confuses me that he's psychic-flying. I mean, that's probably a better typing, but he lives in the Whirl Islands. He comes out from a waterfall. Shouldn't he have SOME sort of water affinity? no?

well, he's still a neat Pokemon.

Overall: 8/10

No. 248: Tyranitar

okay here we go

Almost the opposite of the first psuedo-legendary line (Dratini-Dragonair-Dragonite), this one starts kinda weak, but then finishes strong.

Tyranitar is some sort of ancient Sumerian beast of war. He walks among other Pokemon like a leopard among lambs, slaughtering as he sees fit. He is a Dinosaur, a thunder lizard, in the very serious sense of the word. The world thunders as he walks, and all tremble before his mighty power. It is good that he is named "The Tyrant" because he is just so. None escape his wrath, and none dare question his rule.

now, Rock/dark isn't exactly the best typing, because I'd rather he kept the ground so he could earthquake STAB all over the place, but he's such a badass I don't even care.

also, points for noticing that his chest plate is Pupitar's head plate.

Overall: 10/10

No. 247: Pupitar

So, what's this piece of work supposed to be.

I didn't know dragons had a pupal stage. Or rock monsters, either, for that matter. Or dinosaurs. In fact, I'm pretty sure only bugs have pupal stages.

So, yeah. Pupitar. What the hell.

I know Larvitar should've keyed me into this whole metamorphosis thing that the -itar line is doing, but I don't like it. Why? Seriously, what possible reason is there for a dragonling to turn into a cocoon (as if we didn't already have enough) before turning into a giant dinosaur?

I totally like the horns, and the general design, but I really feel like it would fit better in some sort of badass horned moth evolutionary line.

Overall: 5/10

No. 246: Larvitar

Oh boy, another Rock/Ground type? Count me in!

Except wait, no, that's the opposite of what we need. Rock and Ground get lumped together so much, and they shouldn't have been trying to make more. x4 weakness to 2/3 of the started trio is kinda crappy.

but Larvitar doesn't even look rock/ground! He looks pissed, and moody. And if you've seen the anime, you know that's not just how he looks. Little bastard cries all the time, and hates everyone. He just misses his mommy, but still.

Couldn't they have made it rock/dark? I guess they were saving that for Tyranitar, but...

Larvitar at least looks intriguing. Actually, he looks like he should be part Dragon. Dammit, just what type do you want to be, Larvitar!?

Overall: 6/10

No. 245: Suicune

pronounced "soo-ee-koon", not "swee-koon"

and this is why we can't have nice things. We were this close to a perfect legendary trilogy, but like Spider-man 3, someone had to come along and ruin things for us.

I mean, Raikou and Entei are large, in charge, and obviously the top dog. Suicune is some sort of lame greyhound-leopard thing, which means it will be fast shit, but with thigh bones I could snap over my knee.

It bugs me that Suicune got an entire game to itself, because it it clearly the least interesting of the dogs. And remember its role in that Celebi movie? "Celebi is near death, quick Suicune, purify the water! That will save Celebi! Wait, this isn't helping at all, it made no difference! Oh good, something else is healing Celebi! I guess you were freaking uselss Suicune!"

seriously, screw this guy. And the thing on his back, what is that? what sort of cloud-related thing is that? mist? purple rain? Suicune, as a solo legendary you'd be sub-par, but compared to these other noble beasts, you fail big-time.


Overall: 1/10

No. 244: Entei

I have three reverse-holofoil Entei cards. Bite me.

Entei is like a giant big family dog. He carries little kids around on his back, and also barks at the bad men. Except his barks make fire explode.

I like his face-mask thing, like Raikou's. Also, I like how he isn't obviously a dog, he's got some quality about him that reminds me of a lion as well. It really makes him look mystical and legendary, like he's some sort of creature that is not like anything I know. Like the Forest God from Princess Mononoke, with the human face, toed feet, and antlers? That sort of feel, I guess.

And then his back is covered by smoke, which is clever. All in all, another excellent legendary.


Overall: 10/10

No. 243: Raikou

pronounced "rai-koh"

The legendary dogs were kind of a pain in the ass. You had to run around and weaken them down, then chase them around some more and throw balls at them. It got to the point where you almost wanted to just toss your frigging master ball at them, just to END IT, but NO, you knew you would have to use it later for something like Ho-oh in Silver.

anyway, I never even bothered to catch them all. I just didn't care enough. But I did make sure to catch Raikou, who is a thunder leopard dog with a storm cloud on his back.

He looks majestic and badass, and definitely fits the definition of "legendary". I only question calling them "dogs". I mean, Raikou looks more like a saber-tooth tiger.


Overall: 10/10

No. 242: Blissey

Another pink, round, matronly Pokemon

Blissey is just a Chansey with feathers, and even more hp.

And I've never given more than the tiniest shit about Blissey, but now that I look, it looks pretty stupid. Why is it a big feathery egg.

Also, Happiny and Blissey have happiness-related names. Chansey? Just, sounds lucky. I think that strange, because Chancey has absolutely nothing to do with luck.

But if Chancey are the nurses in the Pokemon world, then that must make Blissey some sort of female doctors. Because there is no reason why all nurses should be female and all doctors should be male, what are you, a misogynist?

Whatever, let's hurry the hell up past this pink piss and get to some legendaries.

Overall: 3/10

No. 241: Miltank

Dammit, I was hoping for something flag-wavingly patriotic, but whatever.

I'll make due with this fat cow.

Miltank is pretty much femTauros. Nothing special, and usually I'd just moove along. Except she makes milk, which is good to drink. I love milk, personally. A tall glass of cold white milk really helps me start my day. And then warm chocolate milk in the winter, I drink that instead of hot cocoa.

And Lon Lon Milk is good for your Pokemon, as well. Heals 'em right up. I mean Moo Moo Milk, what was I thinking, getting my Nintendo properties confused...

anyway, have a nice glass of milk this Fourth of July, and remember all the Pokemon who died to make your life possible.


Overall: 6/10

No. 240: Magby

Another tolerable baby.

Like Elekid before him, Magby is cool just by association with his evolution, which in this case is Magmar.

Or rather, hot, because he's a fire type. get it!? HEHEHEHEHE


so yeah. Magby is a little tyke who is kindof a duck-billed something. With Dilbert's hair. And a collar. Not really sure what they were going for here.

But he manages to not look completely asinine, and evolves into a badass, so he's alright with me.

Overall: 5/10

No. 239: Elekid

Okay, not all babies are bad.

This lil' guy has an electrical plug for a head.

THAT IS AMAZING.

Seriously, I can't tell you how happy I am to see that. Note to anyone: making electricity-themed enemies with plugs on their heads will always make me happy, no exceptions.

Also, Electabuzz is cool, so I like the fact that he has a baby form, so I can start with that and then get the pleasure of evolving him into the badass Electabuzz.

Also, he was awesome during that one Pikachu short. So yeah, great kid.

Overall: 10/10

No. 238: Smoochum

You know what we needed?

A sassy dora-headed Jynx pre-evo.

Just kidding, no one wanted that.

Baby Pokemon are stupid for a lot of reasons, and making baby forms of already hideous Pokemon isn't helping any. Also, Smoochum is clearly underage, which makes its main characteristic (kissing everything) even more disturbing than it should be.

Overall: 1/10