No. 335: Zangoose

Now, I know what you're thinking.

"Zangoose? Isn't that the Russian dude from Street Fighter?"

And I'm here to tell you, no, they are not the same. The difference is that Zangief is a mighty tower of Soviet muscle, protecting the skies and grabbing the souls of foolish men. Zangoose is just a poser, trying so hard to be cool, it hurts. He's got the narrowed eyes, the Digimon-esque asymmetry, the "scar" over one eye, hand-claws, and a lightning bolt shaped mark.

If he was just pure white, I'd love it. If it was even symmetrical, that would be a step in the right direction. But I have always hated middle schoolers, and I make no exception for the shit they draw on the inside of their Social Studies textbooks.


Overall: 2/10

No. 334: Altaria

I remember some old Nintendo Power where someone wrote in and described their own Pokemon, and it was a little blue dragon hiding in a cloud.

I don't like it when Pokemon drop a type upon evolving. It's lame, some of the STAB moves I had on you now won't work, what the piss. However, Dragon is infinitely superior to Normal as far as types go, so I'm giving Altaria a pass.

And, a little plus for daring to be a Dragon type without being, well, a dragon. I'd like to see that type get thrown around a little more.

Also, I'd like to reiterate my desire to just cuddle up on a cloud and go to sleep. It's right up there with "ride around in a giant Pelican's mouth" in my book.

Finally, I just like Altaria's color scheme. White and sky blue, simple and soothing. And those cute puffy little cheeks! I think I just want to use an Altaria as a flying bed, actually.


Overall: 8/10

No. 333: Swablu

Halfway to the Number of the Beast! Repent! Repent!!

Is - is this another Normal/Flying type? Is it really? Do I have to smack a bitch? Stop doing this, Gamefreak, it isn't funny.

I mean, why even be Normal at all? Pure Flying would've been completely acceptable for this one, because the wings are made out of clouds and such. With other birds, who are actual birds, I understand them wanting to be able to use STAB Normal moves (although I really don't understand that because Normal moves suck) but for something as clearly fanciful as Swablu, just using Gust and Tornado-poop or whatever kind of moves Flying types have, would be fine.

Because in the end, Swablu ditches the Normal altogether in favor of Dragon, but that's tomorrow. As for the resign itself, it's okay. A little blue cold bird, whatever. Cloud wings? I'm down. I wish clouds were solid enough so I could jump into them like a big old fluffy bed, but I guess not all dreams can come true.


Overall: 5/10

No. 332: Cacturne

You know what takes a lot of time? Flying home and then having a Thanksgiving Dinner that Couldn't be Beat! But I'm back!

And who better to come back to, than one of my favorites, and possibly my favorite member of the 3rd Generation, Cacturne.

Cacturne is a cactus, which I have already established is inherently badass, and he's also a little bit like a scarecrow. And, the face looks kinda jack-o-latern. and to cap it all off, Dark subtype. Didn't I say this before? It was true then, and it is true now. Dark Subtypes make Pokemon great. I don't know how, but it just works.

They use a personal attack called Needle Arm, and apparently their blood has turned into sand from eons spent standing in the desert. I don't think a Grass-type can get more hardcore than this boss.


Overall: 10/10

No. 331: Cacnea

Amingo is my favorite character in Marvel vs Capcom 2.

It's got a lot of spikes, lines, and diamonds going on. But, spikes are badass (especially on a cactus, where they make sense), Cacti have those crease lines, and I can deal with diamonds, because I love cacti so much.

In the anime, when James got a Cacnea, and it always tried to hug him, poking him with its spikes, that was lame. It was just another Victreebell, and did the same thing. And unlike Victreebell, it wasn't funny even the first time.

But seriously, cacti are badass. Amingo is badass, and I am sad that he isn't in MvC3. I love how cacti come in all these crazy-ass shapes, like fans, balls, forks, leaves, and other shit. They're great.


Overall: 8/10

No. 330: Flygon

those goggles are adorable

Okay, Gamefreak doesn't have any excuse for the typing shitstorm going on with Flygon. He doesn't look anything like any stage of an Ant-lion's metamorphosis, he has very clear wings, and those bubble goggles and antenna make him look fairly bug-ish.

Yet, Ground/Dragon.

Bug/Dragon would make sense, the most sense. That would be badass. I could also see Dragon/Flying, or even Bug/Flying. But Ground/Dragon? I get that they want to keep the type constant throughout the line, but maybe, they should have thought more about where they were going when they created Trapinch.

Flygon could be the end of his own, separate line. I could see a larva nymph Pokemon evolving into Vibrava, and then gaining Dragon-like characteristics for Flygon. That would be cool. Meanwhile, Trapinch evolves into a bigger, badder orange sand-bug.

It's too bad all this type junk is going on, because I like Flygon's design. Thinking of him as a dragonfly with the "dragon" part taken literally, he's great. And like I said, those goggles. adorable. I would give him a much higher score, but I just hate the retarded typing so much...


Overall: 7/10

No. 329: Vibrava

Anyone else uncomfortable with that name? No? Just me? Okay.

First off, why is it a Dragon-type? It is clearly a bug. Also, why still Ground-type? also, why does Trapinch evolve into this, which has absolutely zero resemblances whatsoever?

Like, seriously, where the hell did this guy come from? We went from an orange sand-trap Ant Lion to some sort of green dragonfly bastard. what happened.


The typing on this one is just so screwed up, I don't know what to say. What were you thinking, Gamefreak!?


Overall: 3/10

No. 328: Trapinch

Ant Lions aren't actually lions at all it turns out

Man, I frigging love Trapinch. I've always liked the idea of ant lions, ever since I watched Return of the Jedi. Something at the bottom of a sandy hole that sucks you in and wants to eat you? That's a classic boss design, right there. Straight outta nature.

Anyway, Trapinch is cool. He's got eyes that sparkle because he knows he's a star, and he's got giant-ass jaws because he doesn't give a shit about what he bites, he just wants to bite it all.

A Bug sub-type would have been neat as well, but I'll take what I can get. Which is pretty awesome.


Overall: 10/10

No. 327: Spinda

Remember that game you used to play when you were little, where you'd just spin around and around until you fell over or threw up? that game rocked

Apparently there is this algorithm which determines how Spinda's spots go, and there are like billions of possible permutations.

I don't understand why anyone would spend such time on Spinda. It's a cool idea, because every single one should look unique, but Spinda is just such a sucky Pokemon, it doesn't matter. It has poor stats, with only a Normal type, and no cool moves.

Now, if they'd done something like this for, say, a Poison Frog type Pokemon, that would be cool, because I would almost use a Poison-type. Or pretty much any type at all besides Normal, the worst type.

So, points for a cool idea, but it is completely wasted on the likes of Spinda.


Overall: 4/10

No. 326: Grumpig

So, what's the deal with Grumpig? Is he a pig, or what? Why's he grumpy?

He seems pretty happy to me. Maybe because he just evolved out of the nightmarish hell that is being Spoink, and can now do things like rest and "not bounce all the time".

But now, he begins to get a bit complicated. 3 pearls, none of them as large or design-dominating as Spoink's. Two-tone, with what appear to be sleeves. I don't know, it seems a little much. Like, pigs aren't known for their fashion sense, and they tend to be all one color, don't they? They aren't animals with underbellies a different color, or anything.

But in general, Grumpig looks ugly to me. Nothing about him is intriguing in any way, and I don't believe for a minute anyone has ever looked at a Grumpig and said, "I want this on my team".


Overall: 2/10

No. 325: Spoink

Halfway through the Pokedex! Woo!

If Spoink stops bouncing, its heart stops, and it dies.

As we can see from the Coliseum games, and Black and White, when a Pokemon faints, it slows down and stops moving.

Every time you KO a Spoink, you kill it. I hope you're happy, you monster.


Anyway, I understand the whole "Pearls before Swine" thing, but I think the pearl just throws the whole design off. It looks much too top-heavy. I'm not a big fan of Spoink, but I must admit that art makes it look pretty cute. And using the curly pig tail as a spring is brilliant.


Overall: 7/10

No. 324: Torkoal

chugga chugga chugga chugga WOOO-WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I'm totally a sucker for things that hiss steam out of pore and vents, I admit it. that PSHHHHHH sound gets me every time, I love it.

So Torkoal is a dream come true in that regard. Also, he reminds me strongly of The Day the World Broke, an excellent old PC point-and-click adventure game. There was one part where you visited the Iron Works, and there was I think a snail, a turtle, and a few other animals, and they were all Mechanimals, which meant they were part machine, and they all worked together to make iron ingots and stuff. It was neat.

While Squirtle took the "turtle" concept to its aquatic extreme, Torkoal takes it more along the "desert tortoise" route, which is smart. I kinda wish it had some evolution, but it's great like it is. Seriously, I don't have a single actual complaint here, except wishing for more steam-based tortoise goodness.


Overall: 10/10

No. 323: Camerupt

Camels are actually terrifying. Look it up, true fact.

The first thing I notice when I see Camerupt is its three blue rings. Why are they there? They don't mean anything. They don't contribute to any color scheme. They aren't associated with camels, volcanoes, fire, ground, or anything.

It's a textbook case of a fine design having needless shit added to it. I don't know why Gamefreak seems to be more prone to this in the 3rd and 4th generations, but they are. This isn't "over-designed", rather, just having random spots and bands on it.

Still, even with the rings, he looks like he means business, so that's better than dumb 'ol Numel.


Overall: 7/10

No. 322: Numel

"But, the Camel hasn't any O," he managed to say. "The Dromedary," it said, winked a lazy eye, and went away.

Similar to how a Dark subtype makes a Pokemon badass, a Ground subtype makes it more useful. It gives it immunity to Electricity, and gives it STAB Earthquake against Fire, Electric, Poison, Rock, and Steel. And in Numel's case, the Fire typing counters most of Ground's weaknesses, leaving it with weakness to only Ground and Water.

Also, I love the idea of a camel with its humps being volcanos. That's intense.

However, Numel looks like its herping an extraordinary amount of derps. It looks like a frigging plush toy. And why is the caldera green? Lava isn't green. So many kids got confused and thought Numel was pure Ground, or even Ground-Grass, I bet.

I also want to take this moment to talk about something that always pissed me off about the anime, as it went into the Hoenn region: they kept on coming across some people who raise a specific Pokemon for a specific purpose, and everyone always acts like it's such a unique thing, like only Numel could be used to heat water, because it's not like other Fire-types, or even stoves, exist. I remember one such episode, and Max, the little snot, actually says, "I've always wanted to go to a real live Numel ranch!" as if anyone could be excited about taking care of these dopey turds, but I guess Max is the kind of loser who likes pointless shit like that.

Overall: 6/10

No. 321: Wailord

Wailord? more like Wailard, if you ask me!

Wailord is the biggest Pokemon of all time. He's a whopping 47 feet long, and much more voluminous than the other "longest" Pokemon like Steelix and Rayquaza. He weighs 877 pounds, which puts him in the top 10 heaviest, as well.

However, compared to the actual Blue Whale, Wailord's obvious inspiration, it's a featherweight. Blue Whales get up to 100 feet long, and can weigh 200 tons. Which means Wailord is half the size, and less than 1/200th of the weight. Holy freaking shit, I never realized how heavy Blue Whales are before, goddamn.

Anyway, it's a little odd to think that with all the craziness of Pokemon, they still haven't made anything bigger than what we actually have. But maybe that's for the best, because this isn't Digimon, after all. Trying to impress with scale alone often fails, and leads to a size creep. And only a Water creature could possible become that large.

But yeah, Wailord set out to be the biggest, and to be a big fat whale, and it is. mission accomplished.


Overall: 7/10

No. 320: Wailmer

caaaaaaaaaaaaaaan yooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuu speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaak whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale?

Reminds me of Fatty Whale from Kirby Superstar, which is a good thing. That was a good boss.

Wailmer is another truncated Water Pokemon, missing what many consider to be a whale's defining feature: its tail. It also looks about as sentient as dirt, but that's another story.

It's an okay design, not looking too real-world-y, but still obviously a Pokemon. They kept it as simple as they could, with this one. And that's fine, but it isn't anything amazing.


Overall: 6/10

No. 319: Sharpedo

I'm a shark! I'm a shark! Suck my dick! I'm a shark!

Oh no, someone cut Jaws in half! Wait, no, that's just Sharpedo. And he still kicks ass.

He's a Water/Dark type, and as you should know, whenever you see a Dark sub-type, get ready for awesome. Sharpedo is just a frigging torpedo shark, and that's something wonderful right there.

and a shark evolving from a Piranha actually makes a lot of sense, seeing as how they are both predatory fish and all. Like Pelipper evolving from Wingull. If Carvanha looked more sleek, like I pointed out yesterday, the color scheme would probably not be such a jarring change, but whatever. Sharpedo also has a badass X-shaped scar on its head, probably from ramming into mountains and shit. Or maybe it was a close call with a whaling vessel. That Sharpedo inevitably sunk, and ate the entire crew.

Seriously, there's not really much to explain here: he's a shark. He's a torpedo. He's Water/Dark. Just get bent already, rest of the ocean.


Overall: 10/10

No. 318: Carvanha

CHOMP

A piranha that will carve you up, I like it, Gamefreak. However, that's not really anything like what a Piranha looks like. Carvanha looks all jaggedly and rough, hence its ability, Rough Skin, but actual piranhas are mostly smooth. They do have that trademark underbite, and the red belly, though.

And normally that's what a good Pokemon design does, it takes an animal, makes it different, and then adds something badass. But Carvanha, while an okay design, is just too different. If it weren't for the name, I'd think it was just an angry fish.

Also, one thing I've always wondered: You know how they say a school of piranhas can skeletonize a cow in like 2 minutes? How do you test something like that? Were they just dropping random animals in Amazon rivers and seeing how long it would take for a school of piranhas to eat them, or what? Or is a cow the standard scientific measurement of predatory ability? "A full-grown bear can eat an entire cow in 10 minutes", etc. Because, why a cow? Do cows fall into Amazon rivers a lot?


Overall: 5/10

No. 317: Swalot

please don't force me to make a joke about swallowing

If anyone else has read Tove Jansson's Moomin books, they too might be reminded of The Groke when they see Swalot.

The Groke is this monster lady thing, and wherever she walks, the ground freezes, and plants die. Her touch is deathly cold. She seeks warmth and friendship, but is always declined, because she only brings death. She also has been said to swallow people up on occasion.

Actually, that reminds me a little bit of Jynx. A hideous female, with Ice powers, who is always trying to get close to people but they don't want it because it's frigging gross.

Anyway, I like Swalot's design more than Gulpin, because it doesn't look like a gallbladder. It's still a bad spit/swallow Poison type, but at least it got me all nostalgic for a second.


Overall: 4/10

No. 316: Gulpin

oh, what the hell is this, I don't even...

Emoticon for a face. This isn't always a bad thing, but in this case, it's pretty much the worst emoticon. Then they re-use the same "3" shape for his "hands", and stick it all on a bland green sack of piss. With a feather on top, because why the hell not.

Poison-types are usually pretty bad, because Poison doesn't hurt shit, and it only good for Toxic. However, a Poison secondary typing is good, because it gives an otherwise vanilla Grass type Poison resistances and access to Toxic.

However, this is a Poison type with a Swallow/Spit-Up style. Meaning, non-STAB, hard to set up moves on a type I already stated is mediocre. Useless.

And whenever it opens its mouth, I get freaked out. Something that small should not have a mouth that big.


Overall: 1/10

No. 315: Roselia

tiny dancer, in my hand...

See those eyelashes? that means Roselia is a girl. It's important that we have cartoons to teach us these things, or else we'd all get confused.

I like how they handled the concept of "roses" in a new way. Not putting it on her head, not making a rose with teeth/eyes, they turned the hands into roses, making it look a little bit like pom-poms.

also, did you know that isn't not wearing clothes in the back? It seems to be wearing that leaf like a sexy apron, the little tease.


Overall: 7/10

2nd Anniversary!!

Hey, it's the second Anniversary of Not All Pokemon Are Created Equal! Can we call it NAPACE? Yes, yes we can.

Man, 2 years ago, I was just sitting around, thinking about how some Pokemon were just balls, but some were amazing, and I started making a blog about it. I got through the starters, and then lost interest for I don't know what reason.

But then, nearly 10 months later, I remembered it again. And started it back up. And, if I do say so myself, it's been a great success. I've had a lot of fun ranting and raving about these little guys, and I hope you've had fun reading it.

I want to thank all my followers, and give a special shout-out to the dudes (or ladies) in Slovenia, who comprise Napace's second biggest audience after the United States. I didn't even know Slovenia was a thing until I saw you guys popping up in the "audience" stats. Can you even read English? are you all just a bunch of spambots? Are you actually hipsters who set their country to Slovenia as a joke? speak up!

Another interesting fact: the Unown review is by far my most visited page. I think that's because of the alphabet image I used, though. After that it's Cloyster, Exeggcute, Steelix, and Jolteon. If you see a pattern, tell me, because I honestly have no clue why those got so many hits.

Anyway, thanks again for reading. We're stuck in the shitter of Gen 3 right now, but I'll keep on trucking. Because the world just needs to know, that not all Pokemon are created equal.

No. 314: Illumise

Fireflies, by Owl City, actually contains a fantastic bass line.

I like what one guy said: since they are called fireflies or lightning bugs, one of these little buggers should've been Bug/Fire and the other Bug/Electric. It would have made them actually different and memorable, and provided good version-exclusives.

Wait, hold on.

Yeah, okay, it turns out these SHITS aren't even version exclusives. Wait, neither were Plusle and Minun? WHAT THE HELL.

Man, that's just such a bad thing. When you have one Pokemon concept, like "firefly", you either just make the damn Pokemon, or, if you're feeling inspired and think you have two different designs in mind, you should put them in the opposite games, so that each game has a similar-but-different Pokemon.

I mean, that's why Growlithe and Vulpix are exclusives: they are incredibly similar in function, so they split them up.

But Volbeat and Illumise? I don't care if they have some sort of weird love-bug thing going on, there's no reason to waste two spots on a mediocre "dur i dunno a bug mebbe" design. This is the reason why people hate on Bug-types all the time.

and you know what's worse? I peeked, and we aren't going to see another decent Bug until the 5th Gen. FRIG.


Overall: 1/10

No. 313: Volbeat

You ever spent a Midwestern Summer evening sitting on the back porch, watching the dog chase fireflies? It's good times.

Now, is it just me, or is Volbeat strutting his stuff just a little bit here? He's got the supermodel stance going, sticking his ass and chest out, looking over his shoulder with a pouty look, and holding his hands almost to his lips in a "oh, did I do that? I'm such a naughty boy" kind of way.

it's making me a little uncomfortable, actually.

also, they missed an opportunity to make him Bug/Electric, though. I mean, it's called a lightning bug for a reason.


Overall: 3/10

No. 312: Minun

as quickly becoming a trend, I totally thought it was Minum, with an m, up until now.

Yeah, see my Plusle review. Semi-interesting idea, but executed in an aggravatingly Pikachu-imitator-esque way.

I guess all I have to say is that one friend once suggested they make a division and multiplication Pokemon as well. I stopped being his friend shortly thereafter.

so yeah, screw Minun. All my generosity towards these two wastes of space was spent yesterday. They can share that extra point, I'm not giving another.


Overall: 1/10