No. 351: Castform

I tried to use a Castform as my Ice-type in my first run on the Elite Four in Sapphire. I would have to waste a turn using Hail first, then bust out my moves. It worked about as well as you'd expect.

Now, Castform changes with the weather. It has a Water-type form for Rain Dance, a Fire-type form for Sunny Day, and an Ice-type form for Hail.
 

None of the looks are really special, but I guess I like Sunny the most.

One thing bothers me though: Why is basic Castform Normal, instead of Flying? I mean, it's all about weather and shit. Shouldn't it be able to use STAB Razor Wind and stuff? And shouldn't all the forms be Flying/Whatever?

I don't understand why we had to wait until Gen 5 to get a pure Flying type, instead of always pairing it with something, usually the hated Normal/Flying double-suck combination. Those make some sort of sense, since they are really just frigging normal birds who also fly, but Castform isn't normal at all. It's a cloud being, I thought. Strange choice.

Anyway, the gimmick shows off the new weather system nicely, and works well enough. Like most gimmick Pokemon, it won't ever be very strong or useful, but it can be kind of fun. I sometimes wonder what a Sandstorm-style Castform would be like. Does that stack with weather, or is it treated as a weather condition on its own? If it does count, Sandy Castform would obviously be Ground, and would look like a dust devil or something. Just ready and waiting to screw some Oklahoma farmer's crops.


Overall: 6/10

No. 350: Milotic

are those hands or hair?

Milotic is supposed to be super-beautiful or something, and I guess it looks kinda pretty. But Dragonair is smoother and silkier, so Milotic can go eat a ham.

Also, I'm still had at all the bullshit you have to go through to get one of these. And then it has good stats, sure, but it's mainly just a ladylike Gyarados, and that seems completely redundant to me.

Milotic doesn't stand out as unique in any way, and I just hate how presumptuous it is. But I guess the design is okay, and the stained-glass-looking pattern is cool.


Overall: 4/10

No. 349: Feebas

oh, look, it's this sad sack son of a bitch.

Hey, remember Magikarp? Yeah, so do I. His gimmick was that he was an ugly fish that sucks, but evolves into some badass sea serpent! Hey, see Feebas? Yeah, so do I. His gimmick is that he's an ugly fish that rips off Magikarp's gimmick and he sucks and everyone hates him and he's unreasonably hard to catch.

Seriously, screw Feebass. I don't need this shit. You mean to tell me I have to go through this long-ass rigmarole, only to get Gyarados's hot cousin? I should be getting the second coming of Arceus with this amount of work. Christ.

See, this is a prime example of a bad thing. Everyone already accepts how much Magikarp sucks, because we all know he'll be great one day. And we accept running into him all the frigging time, because that's the point, you don't expect such a common and sucky Pokemon to turn into something like Gyarados. But when you make it rare as hell, people expect greatness, and get disappointed, and the frustrated when they have to make a bunch of Poke-blocs or whatever.

Feebass, if I accidentally did manage to catch you while fishing, I'd just throw your sorry ass back in the water, dipshit.


Overall: 1/10

No. 348: Armaldo

Last year's Christmas Pokemon was Muk. This time we have the slightly-less jolly Armaldo.

And by slightly-less jolly, I mean pissed as peas. Armaldo is so angry, his eyes migrated to the side of his head just to turn their sockets into cartoonish ANGRY EYEBALLS. His eyes don't turn, how could they, they clearly aren't round. Instead, they are locked in place, Armaldo's vexatious gaze forever fixed straight ahead. Woe to all who cross it.

Aside from that, Armaldo seems to have given up on actually looking like a hideous ancient deep-sea creature, and settled for "vaguely dinosaurian". Is that why he's mad? He's also got a ton of shit going on, from those wing-cases to the feather spikes to the plate armor. He must be ticked because he's a mess and he knows it, and he can't do a damn thing about it.

Maybe he should drink some eggnog and lighten up. That's what I'm doing. I'm eggnoggier than a Welsh giraffe. And that's pretty damn eggnoggy, let me tell you.


Overall: 4/10

No. 347: Anorith

Now I'm seeing extra eyes everywhere. Are those red slits the true eyes, or just decoration?

I remember picking Anorith because he was a bug thing, and I really like bugs. But, I never ended up using it, and honestly looking at it again, it reminds me more of roadkill than anything else.

But I can tell they were going for the creepy crawly craplicker known as Anomalocaris, an actual fossil from the Cambrian period. But who can blame them? Reality is frigging awesome sometimes, and there would have been weirder choices. For example, Hallucigenia Sparsa:

Now, further research has determined that this should be flipped, walking on its tentacles with the spines are defense, but that relies on their being paired sets of tentacles, when all fossils have shown only that one row of seven.

Also, we still don't know which end is the front and which is the back, what those little tentacles in a clump are for, or even what the hell such a monstrosity was doing on the earth in the first place. But I know I definitely want to see a Hallucigenia Pokemon in the next game.

Anyway, Anorith is a little frigging rip-off, and I'm going to look up pictures of strange deep-sea creatures now.


Overall: 4/10

No. 346: Cradily

those fleshy protrusions on its neck look just... offensive...

Like some sort of dim-witted bird, who gets scared by butterfly wings, thinking "WHOA SHIT that butterfly just sat down and turned into a giant face! Definitely not just opened its wings! I wonder why that keeps happening...", I get confused by Cradily.

I always want to think those spots are eyes, and the yellow thing in its mouth is a tooth. I think it's supposed to be that the eyes are hidden in the slit, glowing yellow, and those spots are just there for decoration.

It's confusing in any case. Also, Cradily reminds me of a plesiosaur with its long neck and stuff. It has become more stylized and animalistic, but still looks quite alien. I like the head, with the eyes hidden ninja-style (if those ARE its eyes), but it looks out of place with the body. Maybe if it has a giant maw instead?


Overall: 5/10

No. 345: Lileep

I think I just killed like a dozen of these in Metroid Fusion

This creep is inspired by ancient plant-animal things, maybe like giant walking barnacle anemones? I've seen pictures of them, they're freaky.

And I like the choice to go with some uncommon fossil animal, instead of DINO DINO THUNDER DINO, like the obvious choice would be. Hell, there's even a Pokemon clone all about reviving dinosaurs. Which is badass, sure, but there's a lot of fossils that aren't dinosaurs.

One thing I'd like to see would be one of those ancient shark alligators, you know the ones. The ones that make the sea thing in Monster Hunter Tri look like fish sticks.

But back to Lileep. It's unique, but, unfortunately, that doesn't make it great. It reminds me of a jar, with something hiding inside, but that "thing" never pokes its head out. Mostly, Lileep is just frigging bizarre.


Overall: 6/10

No. 344: Claydol

I really hope those pink things aren't orifices

Now this guy, this guy looks weird. Claydol look strange, foreign, alien. It looks ancient and inscrutable. This is the vibe they were going for, and they nailed it.

Also, Earthquake and Psychic on a single Pokemon? It doesn't have great offensive stats, but it can punish like a bitch. Tank one shot, and respond with either of two great moves, depending on your opponent's defensive situation.

Unfortunately, it ends up with a dozen weaknesses, but it completely avoids Electric and Ground moves.

The only other complaint I can make it that it doesn't have the spinning theme Baltoy had, but that's minor. Overall, Claydol is a threatening memento of some long-lost pagan tribe, who no doubt sacrificed virgins to their demonic idol.

Take care, Trainer. What you now hold in your pokeball still bears the grudges the old gods had against men.


Overall: 9/10

No. 343: Baltoy

No, it's not a toy you use on your balls, stop giggling.

For non-Japanese people, this one's inspiration is completely obtuse. But to Japan, when they think "ancient aliens" they don't think "Pyramids and Masons, or maybe Atlantis", they think "Dogu", which look like this:

See the resemblance? Kinda? Well, now you know. And suddenly the Spaceman item in Animal Crossing, Huitzil from Darkstalkers, and a few other things make a bit more sense.

But as for Baltoy itself, you remember what I said about a Cosmic type, right? Because that would make a ton more sense for this little dude than being Psychic. In any case, he tries to look like a Dogu-inspired clay top, and he succeeds. I can't really fault him on anything, except not being very impressive.

This review was more educational than critical, I feel.


Overall: 6/10

No. 342: Crawdaunt

Do you remember what I said about 3rd Gen Pokemon with a Dark subtype?

If I remember correctly, I think I said they were PRETTY FRIGGING BADASS.

Cacturne, Sharpedo, Shiftry, and now Crawdaunt.

I don't like them because they are DARK N EDGY JUST LIKE ME CRAWLING IN MY SKIN LINKIN PARK 4 LYFE, no. I like them because they are hardcore hombres who don't take shit from anyone.

Granted, I don't know what that blue patch is on the front of Crawdaunt here. A mouth? Are those lips? I think either the entire front should've been blue, or it should have been left out. But still, he looks like he means business. Pincers with their own teeth, little claw arms (for cutting you up if you get in too close) and a star on his head that he presumably uses as a battering ram.

Maybe his design is a tad messy, but that's how I like my crustaceans: with a lot of plates, spikes, and arms going all over the goddamn place.


Overall: 9/10

No. 341: Corphish

Anyone remember Monster Rancher? Wasn't there a lobster one of those that looked like this?

But still, Corphish is cool. One of the few newer Pokemon friends in the anime to actual have something resembling a personality. When they first found him, he was just burrowing around, kicking ass and not even stopping to take names. And even after being captured, he still gets excited easily and usually destroys something.

And he's a crustacean, which I like. Not to eat, but I like how they are giant, armored, water-going bugs, basically. I always felt sorry for those lobsters in the tanks in the grocery store.

Corphish looks compact, just cartoony enough, and has a sensible, simple color scheme.


Overall: 8/10

No. 340: Whiscash

blargh look at me I'm a fat useless jolly piece of shit!

I've seriously had it with these assholes. Whiscash is just another fat son of a bitch who didn't need to shove his big, dumb face into my life.

To make things worse, he's mis-representing something fierce. Is that a lightning bolt on your head, Whiscash? Why do you have that there, Whiscash? Do you like to think you're an Electric type, Whiscash? Why would you want to look like something you aren't, Whiscash?

I don't frigging get it. A catfish, somehow associated with earthquakes, but also uses electricity? except doesn't? Piss. I've used nearly all of my PG-13 cuss words on this sunnofagun, and I'm running out of steam.

Goddamnit, Whiscash. Why do you even have to be.


Overall: 1/10

No. 339: Barboach

I had catfish once, it was okay

Urg, what a generic, uninspired piece of crap. Grey and limp, Barboach looks like the kind of thing a kindergartner would draw if you told them to draw the fish their step-dad caught when he took them on a fishing trip two weeks ago.

Seriously, I don't give a single fart about Barboach, I'm forcing myself to write things about it, because I just don't care. It's a Water/Ground, which is pointless, because we already have the amazing Wooper and Quagsire.

If I had to pick one word for Barboach: flaccid.


Overall: 1/10

No. 338: Solrock

oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me!!

So yeah, just read Lunatone again if you need to remind yourself about why I don't like these guys.

But, to make them better: new types. I've voiced my desire for a "Sun" or "Light" type, to compliment the Dark type, and to make the Sun Stone represent a type. But then, you still have the Dawn Stone and Shiny Stone which would have no type. I guess one of them could be for Normal types?

"what about the Moon stone", you ask? Well well well, that's my second new type. the "Cosmic" or "Space" type. There are more than a handful of Pokemon that get lumped in with Psychich, just because they are strange and unearthly, not because of any actual psychic abilities. And then there are some that are flat-out associated with space.

Off the top of my head, the Clefairy line, the Elgyem line, Deoxys, Lunatone and Solrock, the Claydoll line, the Metagross line, and Jirachi should be Cosmic type. I'm sure I could find others.


Anyway, Lunatone and Solrock should be classified as Cosmic/Dark and Cosmic/Light, respectively. Or Rock/Dark and Rock/Light. Or, even both being Rock/Cosmic, whatever.

But as things are, Solrock has poor stat distribution for its type, and it doesn't interest me like Lunatone does, which, granted, isn't even very much.


Overall: 3/10

No. 337: Lunatone

Like other bonded pairs, It's hard to talk about Lunatone without talking about Solrock.

So, I apologize if I get some Solrock in your Lunatone or vice-versa.

But my major complaint, right off the bat, is that Lunatone and Solrock have the same typing, and share a large part of their moveset, except Solrock also gets access to moves like Flamethrower and Sunny Day and such. This is supposedly offset by Lunatone specializing in Special Atk and Def, and Solrock in physical Atk and Def.

All of this has the end effect of making two Pokemon who look very different, interact with each other in no way, yet have flip-flopped stats, similar movesets and typing, except one of them has access to other Special Atk moves that it can't use because it has physical Atk.

So, Lunatone is Boring and Solrock is useless. Great.

Tomorrow I'll share my solution, if I was in charge of making some sweeping retcons, but for now I'll just say that I like the moon more than the sun, in a poetic sense and stuff, and I would also like to see the moon from Soul Eater fight the moon from Majora's Mask.


Overall: 4/10

No. 336: Seviper

Really Gamefreak? Not Ripev? Missing out here, guys.

Ooookay, yeah, there's just so much shit going on with Seviper, I don't know where to start.

Gold plates on its back and part of its forehead, random purple splotches, including a jagged one on its "chest", gold nubules on its belly (leg remnants?), red fangs, and a red tail blade. Holy shit, it makes my eyes get tired and confused just looking at it. He is a confusing, redundant mess, and his position on Team Rocket is only more infuriating.

We didn't need another snake, and certainly not one like Seviper.

But, I do want to take a little time to say that I like the idea of a Mongoose and Snake Pokemon being eternal enemies, but it would have worked better if they could've both been super-effective against eachother.

Like, Zangoose is Normal/Ground, Seviper is Poison/Fighting, something like that. As it is, they're just kind of enemies, but they have no mechanics in place to make them such.


Overall: 1/10