No. 380: Latias

Frig, no one told me it was a leap year this year.

Latias is kind of cute, in a little-sister sort of way. You'd just want to look out for her, and set a good example. But she better stay away from that Ketchum kid, he's a bad egg.

I think I posted the concept art, with some bizarre Blaziken-Latios hybrid back when I reviewed Blaziken, but I'm too lazy to go find it again. Just check back there, and go "wow that's strange" and we can move on.

Latias and her brother are the type of Legendary you have to chase around, and I really don't mind chasing a single Pokemon like that. Three dogs was pushing it, but one is acceptable.

Um, Latias and Latios are fine, they exist in a mid-point between the badass and cutesy Legendaries, which is fine. They have a good game-associated color scheme, and generally have a cool design. I can't even complain about there being two of them, because that's their gimmick, they are color-swapped siblings.


Overall: 7/10

No. 379: Registeel

Frig, February is only 28 days, isn't it? I totally forgot

Our last of the Legendary Golem trio, Registeel looks alien and creepy, slightly reminiscent of Claydol and the like. But while that's cool and all, I feel like the idea of "golem" has kind of gotten away from us? I mean, the first was animated rocks, the second was animated, um, ice, and now it's a smooth steel robot thing.

I don't know, maybe it's ancient alien technology? whatever. Registeel is the more balanced-one, stat-wise, compared to Regirock's Physical focus, and Regice's Special focus.

Now, some people love to point out how this guy is sieging heil something fierce, to the degree that his sprite was edited in Europe.


But I prefer to think of Registeel, not as a Nazi, but as a fan of Chubby Checker, as his adorable Twisting demonstrates.



Overall: 5/10

No. 378: Regice

The Crystal King was probably my favorite boss from Paper Mario.

Ah, Regice - is it to be pronounced "regi-ice", thus making the prefix stand out verbally like the rest of the trio, or "rej-ice", which is how it is written. I remember seeing two kids almost come to blows over the debate.

In any case, this is one cool dude (pun VERY much intended). He's a few chunks of living ice crystals, and has an ice-cold stare (get it??). He floats everywhere, doesn't even have to walk, because he's just such a chill (ha-ha!) dude. Okay, okay, I'll stop with the "ice" puns. Fine. Snow more puns from now on.

Also, Regice has Special Defense in spades, in fact second only to Shuckle, who reall doesn't count. However, while impressive, I almost don't care how good a Legendary's stats are, because I won't be using them. You don't get them early enough to need to level them up and build a relationship, and they're mostly overpowered. If you're the kind of scum who ditches a standing member of his team for a legendary, just to beat the Elite Four, then you are a horrible person.

And if you cheat a Lv. 100 legendary into your game, just to beat the in-game trainers? Then may god have mercy on you, for I shall not.


Overall: 6/10

No. 377: Regirock

This guy had the BEST cry in that Lucario movie.

Now I'm going to be the first to say that having to translate braille to get to these guys is some regular old bullshit. Only blind people and dolphins know braille, and neither of those demographics play Pokemon.

But is this guy worth all that trouble? Well, if you like defense, then hell yeah. 200 base Defense up in this bitch. Tied for second-highest in the game with Steelix, except Regirock just has better stats all around. Number 1 is still Shuckle, the lovable little bastard. But that means that Cloyster, Aggron, Defense Form Deoxys? All less Defense that my man Regirock.

I dig the H-shape of dots for eyes, it looks really robotic and alien, and I guess ties in with the whole braille thing. Regirock is a hulking golem, who looks like some ancient pile of rocks brought to life, like that one boss in Metroid Prime.


Overall: 8/10

No. 376: Metagross

It's been a while since we've had a truly balls-awesome Pokemon to review.

Metagross has 4 Beldum for legs, ties the line together, yeah yeah. I've said that before. But let's talk about how Metagross folds up his legs when he flies, like he's some sort of transforming robot. Because that shit is gold, I love it.

Also let's talk about how pissed he looks. Just take a gander, does that face look like the face of someone who fools around? No, Metagross came here to absolutely wreck some bitches, and he's gonna do it. That X on his face stands for how he doesn't take crap from anyone.

On a side note, his shiny sprite is silver and gold, which I think is universally acknowledged as being a pimp-ass color scheme.

But seriously, Metagross is amazing. And I love this piece of fan-art (by Tomioka Jiro):

The girl just looks so damn bored, to be riding along on a Metagross, blasting fools like it was no thing, plus she's got her computer hooked up to a Magneton.

In conclusion, if I had to choose 3 words to describe Metagross, they would be HOLY SHIT YES.


Overall: 10/10

No. 375: Metang

Anyone remember Tang? That stuff that monkeys and astronauts drank?

People say Metang resembles a flying saucer, but I think that's a bit of a stretch. I mean, he's too spiky, and has arms and stuff.

As I mentioned last time, Beldum becomes the arms for Metang. And now this line starts to kick some ass. Metang has both Physical and Special attack stats out the ass, and learns Meteor Mash, which is confirmed for top 5 best attack names. Also Phychic, which is just a great move. So you can wreck shit no matter what sort of defense your opponent has.

It's a solid design, and I like how the texture is some sort of rocky metal. Not smooth, like magneton, but it looks like some sort of rock that became shiny and super-hard. Does that happen? I don't know, but it looks cool.


Overall: 8/10

No. 374: Beldum

First day of Lent! I'm giving up not being a total badass. Shouldn't be too hard.

Another one of those "it'll pay off later" types. Beldum doesn't learn anything besides Take Down, not by level-up or TM or anything. But, unlike other such Pokemon, Beldum is actually kinda cool in its own right.

First, as you'll notice later, it's essentially an arm of its evolutions, which is a great way to tie the line together. Also, it flies around like a rocket or something and just bashes itself into things, not caring about the recoil damage. That's ballsy.

I mean, it isn't super-awesome or anything, and its primary worth is what comes after, but a bullet-shaped badass flying around bonking into things is a lot better than a stupid fish. Especially since you can pretend it's like one of those Power Ranger things, where they all have to combine to make the mega-zord. It's like one of those arms or something, the lion maybe, I don't know.


Overall: 6/10

No. 373: Salamence

I'm starting to think that this guy should've been named Flygon, and Flygon should've been named literally anything else...

But, whatever. I guess naming conventions aren't impervious to change.

So, is Salamence a better Dragon than Dragonite? Yes, but that's not hard. Salamence has a good all-american color scheme, and though he does have a bit much going on, his face is pretty imposing and fierce. The wings are what kill me, though.

I mean, they just look so fake and tacked-on. No ribbing on them? No hooks, plates, nothing? what the shit, did a four-years-old draw this?

Also, screw Salamence knowing Flamethrower. That screwed over my Ice-types so many times, I don't even know. It makes sense for a dragon to breath fire, but why not make it Dragon/Fire? Too overpowered? Then maybe you should've thought about the whole "Dragon Type" thing before you ran out the frigging door with it, Gamefreak. Gosh.


Overall: 4/10

No. 372: Shelgon

Bazinga!!

Remember how I said it couldn't get much worse? Well, I didn't say it was gonna get any better.

Seriously, what the shit is this supposed to be. Dragons don't ever go in shells, they don't have a larval state, Shelgon looks nothing like Bagon, this is stupid.

Actually, Shelgon, on its own, is okay. It looks like a good starting point for a evolutionary line about terrible, badass monstrosities hiding in shells. Except, its smack-dab in the middle of a freaking psuedo-legendary Dragon line. Hell, Bulbapedia doesn't even have a damn clue what its doing here. "Shelgon is based on a dragon and a pupa", it helpfully states. Well, that makes a shit-ton of sense, doesn't it?

No, it doesn't, and I don't like it. If I recall, I think I gave Pupitar shit for pulling the exact same stunt. Except I was probably more generous because of how the shell of Pupitar becomes the chest plate for Tyranitar, whereas Shelgon here just comes out of freaking nowhere, and then disappears back there. Or maybe it's Bagon who's totally out of line, I don't care.


Overall: 3/10

No. 371: Bagon

Remember the Dratini line? And how badly it failed in the end?

well, at least with Bagon things can't get much worse!

First thing I notice, is that Bagon seems to be copying Machop's fly triple-head-crest thing. Except, is that a mullet I see? damn.

Then there's those ridiculously little arms, making T-Rexes everywhere feel proud of their wingspan.

Really, it's just dorky. Bagon would be wearing thick glasses, have bad acne, and probably needs braces to correct that snaggletooth.


Overall: 3/10

No. 370: Luvdisc

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!

Man, I wish I had been just a little more on the ball, because reviewing Luvdisc on V-Day would've just been so perfect.

Well, as perfect as anything about Luvdisc can be. Because it's friggin' useless. A no-evolution Water-type, with mediocre stats. It doesn't have any unique moves, or even that much of a unique movepool. It's just a complete waste of space, all because some chucklehead went "fishie shaped liek heart durr hurp" and shat out a concept design.

I get that there's a lot of water in Hoenn, and it gets boring. Maybe you should've thought of that before you decided to set the game in south-eastern Japan, but whatever. There's a shit-ton of water route, and everyone hates them. How do you make them fun?

By filling them with Tentacool, apparently! Wait, no, that's retarded. I mean, we'll do it anyway, but we need something else. How about making a bunch of water Pokemon? Oh yeah, that sounds nice. We'll make them all unique and interesting, with a bunch of different sub-types, so that there's incentive to catch and use them all!

Haha, just kidding, we'll make a bunch of goofy-looking pure Water types and call it a day. maaaaaaaan, we are so good at our jobs...

Anyway, Luvdisc is pointless and awful, happy valentine's day, you bastards.


Overall: 1/10

No. 369: Relicanth

Catching a Coelacanth in Animal Crossing is pure happiness.

Catching one in Pokemon is pure tedium. You need one to open something for the three Regis, but I don't really remember what, and I imagine I'll look it up once we get to the three in question.

But I digress. Relicanth looks old, which makes sense. The red dot breaks up the monotony of color, which works. There's nothing to really complain about, except that its boring. It's an old-ass boring grandpa fish.

I mean, I know it's supposed to be an old-ass boring grandpa fish, but that doesn't make me want to catch one. Maybe they knew the only way anyone would want to devote a Pokeball to this senile geezer is if they made it mandatory if you want those sweet legendaries.

One interesting takeaway, though, is that its typing is Water/Rock, just like all the fossils. The fossils' Rock-type I thought came from some residue of being fossilized, but since Relicanth is just ancient, not brought to life from a hunk of stone, I must conclude that Pokemon used to all be Rock-types in ancient times. Huh.


Overall: 4/10

No. 368: Gorebyss

Is that a fish wearing a seashell bra? That is a fish wearing a seashell bra.

There is a very short list of fish which can be described as "sexy": Ariel from The Little Mermaid, Princess Ruto from Ocarina of Time, and Shirahoshi and Madame Shirley from One Piece.

Gorebyss is not on that list, and I don't even want to think about why it needs to wear a seashell bra. I also fail to see why in the world this pink whatever should evolve from Clamperl. Did the designers just give up? Did they seriously just have a few random-ass fish designs laying around, and threw them into random evolutionary trees?

Gorebyss gets a point for looking somewhat aesthetically pleasing, if I ignore the *shudder* seashell bra. But besides that, it's an unwarranted boring Water-type, as if we didn't already have enough of those as it is.


Overall: 2/10

No. 367: Huntail

look at this goofy little turd

Are there fish that look anything like this? I sincerely hope not, because this guy looks like shit. Derpy eyes, a few teeth in a perpetually open mouth, dumb rounded fin things like a 6-year-old draws on the back of a dragon, white spots just everywhere.

It's a frigging mess, and I don't like it at all. It isn't cool, scary, cute, whimsical, or anything. It just looks dumb.

I think they were trying to make it look like a Gulper Fish, which is actually incredibly terrifying. Or perhaps they were going for the Oarfish look, what with the orange and blue, but again, the actual fish is pants-wettingly long.


Huntail is just a lame fusion of the two, and inbred cousin that no one likes. Don't make your Clamperl evolve into this waste.


Overall: 1/10

No. 366: Clamperl

I can do the best impression of a clam you've ever seen, trust me if you saw it you'd be impressed

Clamperl makes sense. A giant clam with some pearl inside is a classic sea animal, and it eventually had to get a run in Pokemon.

It's the evolutions that don't make a lick of sense, and since they both stem from this guy, I should talk about them now.

So, Clamperl is a clam, we get that. But if he holds a tooth or a scale, he turns into one of two Dr. Seuss fish. Seriously, those guys are like straight out of One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish, a title that is a hell of a lot more fun to say than to type.

I don't get why they picked Clamperl, of all things, to undergo such a drastic evolution. Couldn't they invent some sort of tiny, innocuous fish? Or something that is even in the same phylum as a fish?

I don't have any problem with Clamperl itself, except that it looks like its napping, but I can't get over the random evolution.


Overall: 4/10

No. 365: Walrein

Sorry, February, you won't have your way with me! I WILL manage to make a few posts this month!!

Okay, now we're talking. That cute little mooshy seal ball turned into a passable mid-size seal, and now it has become a dangerous walrus of death.

I really like the shape of the mustache/fur here. It reminds me of the organic feel of first-gen designs. Also, it's a mustache that started growing, reached the edge of the face, and just decided to kick reason to the curb and keep on growing, eventually covering all of his head and down the side of his neck.

Then, there's that neck fold thing. What the hell is that? Is that like the kind of scars manatees get when they get knicked by motorboats? Is that a scar from when someone tried to capture Walrein with a rope around its neck? That's a little sobering. Or maybe it's a single roll of fat, with stripes around it, I don't know.

But I do know that I much prefer this idea of what a "seal Pokemon" can be to the Seel - Dewgong trainwreck of the first generation.


Overall: 9/10

No. 364: Sealeo

This guy's name is Todoggler in Japanese. That's frikken' adorable.

Todoggler is a step in the right direction. He's got a face full of bristly whiskers, and he's not afraid to shake them right in your business.

Also, I like the splotchy belly coloring. It looks more hap-hazard and natural, instead of a perfect spot or the ridiculous bands and hoops of color some Pokemon have.

I don't really have a lot to say about this guy, only that I wish they would include Ice Pokemon closer to the start of the game. They're really useful, but it's a shame to have to wait fairly long to get one. And Todoggler is still just the best kind of name.


Overall: 6/10