No. 842: Appletun

Nothing more American than apple pie!

Truly the superior Applin evolution, on account of not looking like dogshit, is Appletun. Its ears are actually its eyes, which is weird but kinda fun. I like how "fairy tale" it looks, like something out of a Mother Goose rhyme. And maybe its the pie connection, but Appletun reminds me of Treetrunks from Adventure Time?

I only wish it were a lot bigger, being just the size of a pie itself makes sense but as with all broad, comfy Pokemon, I wish to ride upon them. Just imagine taking a nap on a soft piecrust bed, with that sweet warm smell around you.


Overall: 7/10

No. 841: Flapple

shout-outs to Bakugan

Your Applin finally evolved, and if you're playing Sword then you got this freaky bitch, frantically flapping its wings to stay afloat. I wonder if this concept started as a Dragon who's caught in its shell, but then instead of building the rest of its evolutions they just re-worked it into a possible end for the Applin line. I just find it hard to believe that they had SO MANY good ideas for "apple Pokemon" that they couldn't choose and decided to include both Flapple and Appletun in the game.

Like, maybe if there was another form from here? some sort of cool apple-themed dragon? But this is lowkey insulting as a final evolution.


Overall: 2/10

No. 840: Applin

this is just an Earthbound enemy

There's an alarming number of Dragon pokemon that are really biologically closer to worms. I mean it's just the Goomy line and now this, but that's still about 2 more than I really think should exist.

I know it has this typing for its future forms, but we'll get there. Right now, I just gotta say that no apple has ever looked as delicious as the ones you throw in Pokemon Snap. Shoutouts to the new game coming soon, I can't wait. I hope they include more routes, and ways to upload your photos online to compare with others, and make your own scrapbooks, and of course a ton of new Pokemon, and multiplayer games where you both sit in the "car" and take your best pics like a safari cruise at Disneyworld, and... oh right, this is about Applin.

I don't know, it's a silly little worm in an apple. I guess that's cool. But not really.


Overall: 4/10

No. 839: Coalossal

I fought this guy in Banjo-Tooie

I guess we're done being a speedy wheel, or crazy kart, and it's time to go Full Rhydon. Look, it is what it is. I don't get it either. The last two were kinda dumb, but in a fun way that could be building to something really cool. But Coalossal is... not that.

I mean, for a hunka hunka burnin' kaiju, he's not bad. Beefy boy with a badass head, I love to see the return of the oldschool angry-eyes, and that glowing furnace of a mouth is wonderful. But you know what still scuttles the whole design?


That Marge Simpson hair pile of embers on his head. It's silly enough that Carkol doesn't lose his entire shit when he zips around, but Coalossal is so much more vertical, and walks with the grace of a washing machine. No WAY that coal stack would remain in a perfect pyramid, or wobble around like a tower of jelly.

Honestly, the artwork tones it down a lot and makes it more reasonable. But the in-game model is just... preposterous. Unbalances the design in an awful way.


Overall: 4/10

No. 838: Carkol

I am speed.

Rock/Fire minecart coal Pokemon is a good idea! but holy shit I cannot stop laughing looking at Carkol's face. His eyes are all the way peeled back like he set the thrusters to Ludicrous Speed, my man is dropping coal left and right. He's gonna arrive at the destination freaking empty, especially since his "wheels" aren't even close to round. If this Pokemon existed in real life, Darwin himself would've performed the mercy kill.

but... somehow I can't bring myself to hate Carkol. Maybe it's the way you meet him actually travelling the tracks in the mines, in a rare example of Pokemon placed organically into their environment. Or maybe it's just the cool way he glows up before he attacks.

This is the sort of goofy dude I usually despite, but somehow there is room in my heart for Yung King Cole.

Overall: 5/10

No. 837: Rolycoly

Wear a mask, kids. That's all I'm gonna say.

But let's try to get back on track with this indeterminate lump. Thank God I know what the 3D model looks like, or I would have severe difficulty parsing this artwork. It looks like a Voltorb after he blew up, and lost an eyeball. Now he's sad.

However, with the context of the next evolutions, I think that's supposed to be an angry eye instead, and in fact is his entire head. Dude zooms around on a unicycle wheel, getting soot everywhere and ruining everything.

I think we need more cyclopses (cyclopes?) in Pokemon, though, so I'll give Rolycoly the benefit of the doubt. Also his name is fun to say.


Overall: 5/10

MORE Betamons

So apparently they found ANOTHER early build of Gold/Silver, with even more Betamon designs! Some completely original ones, some early versions of existing ones, and some earlier versions of beta designs that ended up being cut anyway!



That's Celebi in the top middle, by the way. Looking like a desiccated corpse.

I'll wait for people to unpack everything and create some appropriate artwork, but I definitely intend to take a look at these peeps, too!

No. 836: Boltund

Remember that Bolt movie from Disney? me neither

Unfortunately, Boltund doesn't manage to look badass enough to be truly "cool", or remain cute enough to work that way, either. It's got a doofy look on its face, and doesn't even resemble any specific breed anymore. It's just a generic dog, but with a crazy-go-nuts coloration pattern.

I think it's especially weird that the spots around its eyes now have hard lines, instead of the soft fade of Yamper.


Overall: 4/10

No. 835: Yamper

from the people who brought you Wocket in my Pocket comes Yamper in my Camper

another cutie! Corgis were a meme dog for a while, (though not as much as the legendary doge) but I'm not gonna take points away for that. While Electrike fills the same niche and aimed to be a generic weirdo dog-thing, Yamper tries to resemble a specific breed and does so pretty well. I like how its ruff sparks out when it attacks, too.

Not the goodest boy ever, but still a good boy.


Overall: 7/10

No. 834: Drednaw

Friend of All Children!

Drednaw almost gets it. It's so damn close. I love its shell and horn, they look rugged with bumpy linework that we hardly ever see these days. The overall shape is solid, it has potential for the classic Venusaur or Rhyhorn energy of just being a big fat bastard who stomps his way through anything. And even the name is boss - DREDNAW

and yet... and yet............ that face. Ok, the mouth is cool, and the cheeks are fine even! It's really just the eyes. Now tell me, what the hell kind of shape is that for an eyeball? If it was just flattened off, or a smooth slope, or better yet that classic triangular eye, we'd be all set. But instead, it's a baffling "5/8ths of a pizza" shape. And then the arbitrary line that doesn't have any definition so it can't represent a fold or a contour, it's just a holdover unibrow line that gets broken by the horn so it's not even a unibrow anymore. It's pointless and distracting.



I don't often do this, because my job is to critique, not fix. But in this case the fix is SO simple and goes SO far, I can't resist.


Overall: 5/10 (would be a 9/10 with the fix)