No. 213: Shuckle

Shuckle does does not give a single shit

Look at this dude. just LOOK at him.

Is that the face of a dude who has any spare shits to give? No, he keeps them for himself, tucked up safe and secret.

Shuckle has better defense than the frigging Great Wall of China. If the Russians had just had a few Shuckle in Stalingrad, the Nazis would have given up in a week after they realized they couldn't touch that shit.

He's kind of a barnacle thing, or maybe a turtle, but he's strangely not a water-type. Also, I find it incredibly lulzy how he has literally the worst stats of any Pokemon in terms of Hp, Atk, Sp. Atk, Speed, but the best by far in terms of Def and Sp. Def. He specializes in what he knows and doesn't care who knows it.

Also I have this memory of people putting berries in one of his holes, then shaking him around, and then pouring some juice out of another hole. Is that a thing, or did I just make that up?

Overall: 8/10

No. 212: Scizor

Scyther is one of my favorite Pokemon, and certainly a star of gen 1. But then he evolved. He evolved and everyone held their breath, because they weren't sure if anything would be able to live up to Scyther's geatness.

but then Sciozor came into the world, and the universe breathed a sigh of relief and exhaultation. "yes" cried I, and "yes" cried the universe. A Yes to life, a Yes to progress, a Yes to badassery. "yes" cried the babies still in their mother's wombs, "yes indeed."


So yeah, Scizor is red, streamlined, badass head shape, mouth claws for hands, and is pretty much a metallic steel ninja. He's actually slower the Scyther, but not ass-slow, and his defense makes up for it IMO. Scizor actually has the highest attack stat of any bug type, which is pretty awesome.

Scizor is the reason why I count bug-types as my favorite type. There's a lot of Caterpies and Wurmples, but the Scizors and Pinsirs make up for it.

Also, how badass would Scizor look if his shiny sprite was black and white? that would be hardcore as SHIT.

Overall: 10/10

No. 211: Qwilfish

Turns out there is a fish named the Qillfish. Amazingly, there is no resemblance.

Qwilfish feels like it should be evolving, to me. There are a lot of water Pokemon that just don't, and I don't like that. Especially since they look so generic. Weird things like Mr. Mime should just stay like that, but ones that are essentially just "this is an animal that we are now calling a Pokemon" deserve a few evolutions to grow and really get awesome.

So Qwilfish is okay, but I want it to evolve into a giant bloated fugu, carrying death and disease wherever it goes. Or something badass like that.

Instead, it is just an orb with a fin and some spikes. I think there's an opportunity to craft a much cooler puffer fish Pokemon sometime in the future.

Overall: 5/10

No. 210: Granbull

Now here's a bulldog that would make Churchill proud!

Well, maybe not proud. At least he wouldn't be ashamed.

Granbull is okay, he's a purple bulldog that stands upright and has giant fangs. If only he was more than just a normal type, he'd be amazing. But no fighting, no ground, just normal.

[edit: I got my wish, but somehow, adding "Fairy" to the mix doesn't make him amazing.]

Because god knows we don't have enough of those already.

Overall: 5/10

No. 209: Snubbull

Another ugly ass bitch.

Snubbull's inspiration seems to be those hideous tiny dogs that misguided rich blonde women dress up in uglier pink dresses to make them "cute" or something.

Seriously, Gamefreak, think about your choices. If you were to make a bulldog Pokemon, would you want it to be wearing a pink polkadot dress? really?

I - sometimes I just don't know about you, Gamefreak...

Because Snubbull is Ugly with a capital F. That makes it Fugly. Also I hate its voice.

Overall: 1/10

No. 208: Steelix

Always named mine Stainless

Onix's big problem was that while he looked awesome, he was shit for use. And Steelix is probably also not very good, but he's certainly more powerful, and he also looks like a complete boss.

He just randomly grew spikes all over the place, and has a gigantic underbite, as if to say, "GAR HAR HAR HAR HAR" and such.

but I think that official artwork makes him look kinda stubby, so take a look at this:


but please try to avoid looking at this:

oh you couldn't? The floating, lumpy bodies readily visible in your mind? Soulless eye sockets swimming before your retinas?

whatever. Steelix is the boss.

Overall: 10/10

No. 207: Gligar

Billy Bat here! You can hear me, can't you? I'm gonna need you to kill the President.

Gligar is Ground/Flying, but I'm sure where the "Ground" comes in to play, here. He looks like a flying scorpian, shouldn't that be like Bug, or Poison?

whatever, Gligar is cool balls. I really like scorpions, and when you take one, give it bat glider wings, and tall ears and an adorable tongue, then of course I'm gonna love it.

wasn't there an episode about a superhero named Gligarman? am I dreaming that? if not, then that's pretty awesome. You don't see any superheroes naming themselves after shitty Pokemon like Paras or Cleffa, do you?

but check this out: Gligar has like 12 spikey points on him. hot damn, that's a lot of potential to injure.

Overall: 9/10

No. 206: Dunsparce (for real)

Okay, sorry about that. I'll try for real this time.

I hate everything about Dunsparce. I hate how he is a below average normal type with no evolutions, because that makes him completely useless in-game. They didn't even give him a gimmick, and they hid him the hell away, so you feel like he should be worth something, but no. He's not even worth the money you spent on the pokeball it took to catch him, or the 5 minutes of your life you'll never have back.

Then, I hate his design. If they were trying to create something that is just a slap in my face in terms of being completely hideous, ugly, unlovable, stupid, lame, and boring, then they succeeded.

He has fugly little useless wings, which according to his dex entry allow him to pathetically fly a tiny bit, but he learns no flying moves and doesn't have levitate. His half-assed drill tail that looks like something a 4 year old drew apparently lets him dig, but he can only go backwards. Then he has spikes on his chin, which for the longest time I thought were mandibles. And then his closed-up eyes, atrophied from eons of disuse.

Dunsparce is like one of those sightless, translucent, hapless, pathetic creatures you find in caves where there is no light and stuff. At best, all I can feel is pity. At worst, disgust. And the thought that somebody willingly created such a creature, instead of it evolving that way in a cruel twist of fate, is the most disgusting thing of all.

Dunsparce is horrible. My least favorite Pokemon. my most hated Pokemon. This 1/10 is the lowest 1/10 there will ever be.

Overall: 1/10

No. 206: Dunsparce

No. 205: Forretress

a favorite of Smogon.

Even though Forretress doesn't look like anything at all, I like him. He's like a little planetoid with cannons and eyes on it that can close up for shielding, and also roll around for melee damage.

Not sure what they were going for, though. Is he like a walnut or something? A walnut of steel? See, I don't understand why these guys aren't bug-grass. that would make a lot more sense.

but whatever. I just like to imagine Forretress shooting volleys of missiles out of his cannons there. And then spinning around like a boss.

Overall: 7/10

No. 204: Pineco

I feel like they really phoned this one in.

Pineco! it's like a pinecone, but with eyes! Yeah!

well, I guess I know it's supposed to be a bagworm, which are apparently more common in Japan than America. Which explains why it's a bug type, instead of grass.

either way, I don't really like it that much. It looks boring, and it isn't that great. It's not horrible, just a filler.

Overall: 3/10

No. 203: Girafarig

Or, spelled backwards, girafariG.

Another one with a secondary head. wtf Gamefreak. Why do you hate nature so much.

But since Girafarig's gimmick seems to be being a palindrome, a secondary head actually makes a sort of sense. But I wish there were more giraffe Pokemon, I like those.

but can we take a moment to wish that it had turned out like the original design:

one more thing to point out: being half normal-type, Girafarig can make good use of moves like headbutt and stuff, and is immune to ghost-types. So it's a pretty nice typing, honestly.

Overall: 6/10

No. 202: Wobbuffet

In France, they pronounce it "Wobbufey"

Okay, let's just get this straight: Wobbuffet has never been funny. Popping up uninvited with a salute and a "WAH-buffet" is inane and stupid. What is it supposed to mean, are you chiming in with some witty commentary? leave that to the people who can actually speak, dipshit.

When Team Rocket is going to capture some water types, and James says "They won't sea us coming!" and Jesse says "I'm shore we'll catch them this time!" and Meowth says "We're gonna make waves when we pull this one off!" then that is NOT a moment where Wobbuffett should appear. It has nothing to add to the conversation, the joke, the puns, or anything.

In fact, there is never a time for Wobbuffet. When things are sad, popping up doesn't make me laugh. If it pops up and goes "wabba-wabba" then I don't give a damn. Even in Smash Bros, when you get a Wobbuffet in a pokeball, you groan on the inside. Or often, out loud. Because no one has ever wanted to see a Wobbuffet. Also, I apologize for the puns in the preceding paragraph. They were pretty bad. But they served their porpoise well.

even Smogon doesn't like Wobbuffet. He's banned because he can just reflect or counter everything, or something like that. The fact that he is on the Uber list alongside Lugia and Mewtwo and other known badasses makes me angry and hate the game engine just a little bit.

The only redeeming thing about Wobbuffet is that his female version has actual lipstick on, which is honestly pretty funny. But you think about the little tail with eyes, and how it is just there FOR NO REASON and then suddenly you get the feeling that life won't ever be funny.

Overall: 1/10

No. 201: Unown

Remember Alpha-bits? I don't.

I like how the Unown are presented in the movies, as a sort of hive-minded cluster of power, but not really intelligent in their own right, only responding to other people's wishes and such. But in the game, they ain't worth a shit. Seriously, collecting all of the Unown in Silver was the biggest waste of time since someone told Charlie Sheen to "maybe stop taking so many drugs".

But let's examine the entire alphabet, here.

Most of these are fine, and some of them actually look pretty cool and unique. A, H, S in particular are my favorites.

but then you get ones like V, with its random hat, or Q, with its stupid-looking appendage, or frigging G. I mean, seriously. How in anyone's mind does that look like a G. or even a g. It does not. B, on the other hand, looks a lot like those g's you see in books, you know? I don't know anyone who actually writes them like that, though.

In fact, C looks more like a G. But then what would they do for C? Maybe something like O, but without the hoop connecting all the way around.

And then you have T, which is just a straight-up T on top. boom.


and I don't like the new punctuation ones. Completely unnecessary, as if anyone wants to write with the Unown as letters or anything. Only 3rd graders want to do that.

Overall: 5/10

No. 200: Misdreavus

Looking like Ponyo's evil dark twin, the 200th Pokemon appears!

Finally, another Ghost type. While Haunter and Gengar are quite awesome, I'd been waiting for another ghost, maybe one that isn't weak to psychic.

So Misdreavus delivers on that regard, although it is otherwise nothing special. Just a kinda floating lady head. I like her coloring, though. The way the dark transitions to purple at the tips really suggests a kind of nebulous quality that befits a ghost nicely.

and HEY! she's also the only ghost in gen 2, making her the 4th ghost total in two generations! That's just shitty. Why did Gamefreak hate ghosts so much? At least the 5th gen more than made up for it.

But we'll get there when we get there.

Overall: 6/10

No. 199: Slowking

"I need pants."

So, if the Cloyster bits a Slowpoke on the ass, it turns into a Slowbro, fit only for macking on the ladies and wearing polo shirts with popped collars and playing Halo and Tony Hawk.

But if it bites the Slowpoke on the head, then instead of flat out killing it, the toxins make a super-genius among Slowpoke, the Slowking, who will lead his people to victory and freedom.

Or maybe not.

Because I still wouldn't trust Slowking with anything, much less a kingdom. The guy looks hereditarily irresponsible. Also, what the hell was up with him being able to talk in the second movie? He didn't even use any psychic powers, he just stone-cold talked. Mostly one-liners, as I recall.

Overall: 6/10

No. 198: Murkrow

He's a crow with a hat!

And how about that!

actually, it's pretty cool, thanks. I have no problem with flying types, just the over-abundance of normal-flying types. So a dark-flying type is fine, and makes a lot of sense if it only comes out at night or something.

I think if Spearow are like juvenile delinquents, who cause trouble for people and are general jerks, then Murkrow are actual gangsters, and are the ones who cause actual "why did you shoot that man right on my lawn oh geez" kind of trouble.

Overall: 7/10

No. 197: Umbreon

Wow, blogger was down yesterday. I wasn't even being lazy but now it looks like I was being lazy on Thursday the 12th 2011.

Lots of people like Umbreon, and I guess I can see why. It's got a nice, solid design, and it is pretty simple to draw.

I don't remember if it's good to use in actual play, though, or anything. Dark solo types don't strike me as something as useful as the many dark dual types.

But at least Umbreon looks like a fox, which is good. Also, another Pokemon with an excellent shiny sprite. The eyes turn yellow, and the bands turn blue. But thank god the fur doesn't turn like bloody-shit pink, because that would ruin the whole thing.

also I've got a question: I see a lot of Pokemon with these carrot-shaped ears, but none of them have visible earholes. What's up with that?

Overall: 7/10

No. 196: Espeon

Eeveelutions round 2, go!!

This guy evolved only if you leveled him up in daylight. That's like 60 times more manageable than finding some dumb stone. Except he had to be max happiness, which I honestly don't know much about doing. I know my Pokemon act all nice and stuff to my face, but I kinda suspect that when I'm not around, they make fun of me behind my back.

Anyway, Espeon has a clever name, and looks very psychic. The forehead jewel, split tail, and of course being purple. It all adds up to one psychic cat-fox.

Speaking of which, Espeon looks a lot more catty than foxy. Huh.

Overall: 8/10

No. 195: Quagsire

Meet Herp D. Le'Derpington Esq.

Quagsire is probably one of the most derpiest sons of bitches there ever was. He always has a blank look on his face, his body type could be described as "blomp", and his mouth is usually stretched from non-existent ear to non-existent ear in a manner that can only be described as DERP.



But dammit, I love the guy. He has that loser-cool, like he's so cool, you don't even know he's cool. Plus he continues to have a good typing and move pool. (surf and earthquake > most of the game)

I don't know why I love him so much. Maybe its because he manages to convey 'I am dumb' without actually looking lame or stupid.

Overall: 10/10

No. 194: Wooper

WOOP WOOP

Finally, a good Pokemon! And a great one at that. Wooper is a neat little guy. He's based on the axolotl, which is sort of what you get when nature throws up its hands and says, "Here! A salamander with antler-gills that can't go on land! I don't know what I was thinking!" but Wooper makes it awesome.

side note: Axolotls are sold as "Wooper Loopers" in Japan, which makes me so happy.

also, Water-ground is a great typing. All he has to fear is grass, which you don't see as often as you'd think. Even better, he looks pure water, so some cocky little brat sends out his Raichu to give you the works, but UH OH. It had no effect! And then earthquake for the win. I guess this latter part applies more to Quagsire, since he's the evolved form, but eh.

Wooper is Sooper Dooper. (I can't believe I just wrote that...)

Overall: 10/10

No. 193: Yanma

more like YAWNma amirite

It is literally just a dragonfly. Nothing really special, maybe a few fangs, a kinda-cool tail, but yeah. lame.

At least they had the decency to not name it "Dracofly" or something stupid like that.

I give it a low score for being an unimaginative piece of shit, but at least is isn't as bad as Seel. Urg.

Overall: 2/10

No. 192: Sunflora

There are a lot of songs about walking on, in, or around sunshine aren't there.

Sunflora looks really high, I think we can all agree on this. He also probably sucks, but that takes a backseat to my REAL topic today.

Why isn't there a Light type?

To do against the Dark type, I suppose. It would be good against dark, which would be good against it. WOOOO YING YANG BALANCE WOOOO but seriously. Grass would be good against it, because it can just soak it up, and also light would destroy ghosts (while dark wouldn't). also maybe light could be good against ice or something, because it would melt it? something like that.

and the moves would be sunny day and hyper beam and stuff. And like light bombs and lasers and things. It would be cool.

As for the pokemon that could be retroactively typed with Light, Sunkern and Sunflora obviously. They evolve only with a sun stone. Then Ho-oh would be Light/Flying, which honestly makes a poop ton more sense and doesn't double-up our legendary bird typings. Um, Solrock could be Rock/Light while Lunatone could be Rock/Dark, that would be neat. There's lots of Pokemon that need this type to make more sense, and it would just be cool.

anyway.

Sunflora is mediocre, you shouldn't need me to tell you that. And it kinda seems weird that you have to go to the trouble of getting a sun stone to evolve him, when his pre-evo sucks big time, and he is pretty bad too. There are so many better grass-types hanging around in the first 2 gens. But he is a living sunflower, so that's cool I guess.

Overall: 5/10

No. 191: Sunkern

literally the worst.

Sunkern is literally, proven, statistically, and completely, the worst Pokemon in terms of gameplay. It's not the worst overall, not by a long shot, but to that in a second.

I just want you to think about this for a second. When you add up all of Sunkern's stats, all of them, the total will be lower than that of Pichu. Or of Zubat. Or of Ratatta. Even the unspeakable one has better stats. Sunkern is just the crappiest little turd in the toilet when it comes to mattering in the game.

But look at him. He doesn't know he sucks. He thinks life is grand, hell, he just sprouted his first leaf. His mother probably told him he was special a lot.

And, for what he is, a seed, he's fine. I would expect a seed to suck majorly when it comes to doing anything, but it's kinda funny to think that "yup. this is is. the Pokemon with the worst stats of all time."

So I can't give him grief for being sucky, because he's supposed to be horrible. He's a goddamn sunflower seed, Alex Rodriquez goes through sixty of him in an inning. So I feel a little bad for the poor guy. He is a special boy.

Overall: 5/10

No. 190: Aipom

cheeky little monkey

While his face looks like he just ate an entire pound of crack cocaine, Aipom is a pretty cool guy. I don't know how prehensile most monkeys' tails are in real life, but I'm fairly sure that Aipom beats them all.

He literally has an extra hand on his tail, which is fortunate, because he apparently forgot to evolve fingers.

There's nothing wrong with Aipom, but nothing spectacular either. Just a solid mid-tier Pokemon monkeying around in the grass.

Overall: 7/10

No. 189: Jumpluff

Finally done with this lackluster trio.

It's not that I dislike these guys, it's just that I don't give a damn about them.

I really don't have anything to add at this point. It looks generic, but I like blowing dandelion seeds all around, so that's cool I guess. Sucky stats, bad typing, no reason to use this one at all.

And I realize that all the compliments I've been giving them have been because of dandelions. frigging dandelions. It's sad that I find common weeds more interesting than some Pokemon.

Overall: 3/10

No. 188: Skiploom

That's a dandelion flower on its head.

In case you couldn't tell, because, let's face it, nobody really gives enough shits about dandelions to know how to recognize one on sight.

and holy piss I totally found out why I don't like these guys. I went easy on Hoppip yesterday, but DAMN. They gots no moves.

In the original gold and silver, Skiploom only learns three moves that deal damage. tackle, mega drain, and tackle again. It doesn't even learn any flying type moves, NOT EVEN BY TM, meaning that its flying type is only a vulnerability. By the fourth gen it's learning a few more moves, and is able to use better TMs, but I thought there was a reason I never used this line, and now I know why.

Overall: 2/10

No. 187: Hoppip

Hoppip is pretty bad.

In terms of stats, that is. I mean, shit defense, alright speed, and shit attacks. Plus it's a grass/flying, so that means it'll be using absorb and gust. sheesh.

But I like the look of it, actually. And as you will see, its evolutions continue with a nice theme of the changing stages of a dandelion. That's the best thing about grass types; not only does the creature evolve, but you get to see a progression of the plant aspect as well, and it's usually more than just "flower --> big flower".

So yeah, Hoppip's alright.

Overall: 5/10