No. 451: Skorupi

stay back! I'm dangerous! stay back!


Scorpions are among the hardest-core of all the bugs, but Skorupi is making them look cute. He's got widdle claws, and an accordian spring tail, and he's raising his arms as if to puff himself up. Aww, don't worry, big guy! You're scary enough for me!

I think it's funny that he has stingers on his hands and a claw on his tail, when it should be the other way around, but whatever, it's interesting. The prominent mandibles are also a nice touch. I sure hope he evolves into a bigger, badder bug!


Overall: 9/10

No. 450: Hippowdon

Hippo in Japanese is "Kaba"! That's "Baka" backwards! the more you know


Unlike its predecessor, Hippowdon is freaking godlike. I mean, just look at him. Rising up out of the sand like some sort of vengeful ancient monster, coming to crush your skull between his jaws. He's leaking sand from his shell/back, which is awesome. You can just imagine it slowly pouring off him as he surfaces, like when hidden pyramids and tombs rise up out of the desert. Which they do all the time, according to video games.

But yeah, in real life, a hippopotamus will mess you the heck up. They are the most dangerous creature on the Nile, hands-down. They kill more people every year than Lions, Alligators, or any other supposedly "fierce" animal in Africa. and Hippowdon definitely carries that sort of violent swagger with him. His eyes are blood red, for godsakes.

Also, I think Hippowdon and the Diglett line are the only Pokemon depicted coming out of the ground. That's gotta count for something, right?


Overall: 10/10

No. 449: Hippopotas

potato


Hippopotas looks like a big ol' potato to me. A potato with camouflage.

He's dopey and lumpy, slow and stumpy. I don't care about him much one way or another, other than to wonder which Pokemon is more moronic: This one, or Numel? And I'm talking intelligence, not design. See, I already thought Numel was dumb as a rock, but Hippopotas couldn't find his way out of a paper bag. Though I doubt he could fit, dude's nose is enormous.


Overall: 5/10

No. 448: Lucario

I'll never forgive you for stealing Mewtwo's spot in Brawl...

Lucario is Fighting/Stell, which strikes me as odd. It's a very unusual combination, and I don't understand why. He has spikes. That's it. I guess it's to give him super defense with his typing, but whatever. I would expect a Fighting/Steel type to be more like a samurai, with a sword or something.

Anyway, Lucario has dreadlocks and shorts, which is an interesting combination. I question the tan fur of the chest a little, but I don't think it messes up the design that much. If you notice, all the limbs are joined to the body with a band of black, and then get blue, but end in black tips. As for the spikes, they do look out of place, and would be better if they were on the side of his forearms, like blades, instead of jutting out of the backs of his hands.

Lucario was badass in his movie, though. He tackled Ash, didn't give a damn about weak nonsense, did his duty to the kingdom, fought with the Regi trio, and then gave his life in the end to save the giant living-stone-tree. In fact, you know what? Screw it, Lucario is just awesome. He's one cool cucumber, and I really like 95% of his design. And his performance in the movie and in Brawl makes up for that.


Overall: 10/10

No. 447: Riolu

some sort of jackal dog fox?

I like Fighting types. I like 'em a lot, because they are usually badass dudes who punch and or kick everything into oblivious. But I also like Riolu, because he's like some sort of badass in training. Like a young Wong Fei-Hong from Iron Monkey, Riolu just needs some more training and practice, and maybe learn to not be so rebellious, and he'll become a true master one day.

Something I noticed for the first time today, though - he has two sets of ears. The blue tiny spikes on the top, and the black dangly ones on the side. What's up with that? It's bugging me a little bit. Also, those steel plats on his arms look really out of place. I appreciate that they're there to foreshadow Lucario having spikes, but maybe they could've been spikes themselves? Or little round nubs? Instead of oblings? Eh, maybe I'm the only who who has an issue with that.


Overall: 7/10

No. 446: Munchlax

did someone say babies?


I think I heard someone say babies. But surprisingly, I don't hate Munchlax.

Sure, he's a jerk and a glutton, but who isn't? He's just eating a lot so that he can grow up to be as fat and lazy and immovable as he wants, and I respect that. Furthermore, since Snorlax is so large, a baby form actually makes some sense. We know he's big, but what did he look like when he was little?

No one has ever asked this of a Pokemon only like 4 feet tall, which is why no one humors Mime Jr. and Bonsly's dumb asses when they open their fool mouths.

Munchlax also reminds me of a Moomin character, which is a plus. He eats all the frikken items in Brawl, though, and was annoying in that Deoxys movie, so that's a minus. It comes out to above average, don't worry.


Overall: 6/10

No. 445: Garchomp

oh boy do I have mixed feelings about this one


On one hand, I want to say how that pelvis patch of yellow looks stupid as hell, the yellow tip on its head is obviously a scar-sort-of-thing from ramming shit, but Sharpedo already did that, so that's out of place, the white belly has been completely forgotten, there are random-ass spikes all over everywhere, and in general it is giving me motion sickness just looking at it.

But on the other hand, it's a goddamn land shark with spikes and a badass tail and claws and fangs and standing proud and fearsome and head pontoons and everything else and it's awesome.

I have a conflict between my rational side, and my easily-excited 8-year-old side. Let's take a gander at what might have been:


okay, holy moly macaroni, that would be like in my top 3 Pokemon of all time ever if it was a real thing. But sadly, we do not live in the best of all possible worlds. I want to love Garchomp, but I can't say in good faith that its color scheme makes any kind of sense, or that the countless rings around all its limbs are attractive. You're pretty badass, Garchomp, but I'm taking serious points off for being an overdesigned mess.


Excitable 8 Year Old Rating: 10/10
Overall: 7/10

No. 444: Gabite

i'm a shark!!! i'm a SHAAAARK! suck my diiiiick!! I'M A SHAAARK!!


Now, things start to get a little worrisome here. I don't like the two-tone belly, it should either be all red, or dropped that and gone full-great-white. The spikes on the legs are also a little random.

Aside from that, it looks good. We've got a saurian body, with those head-pod things that I like, fin-arms, and the beginnings of a wicked tail. The glare Gabite has going on is also pretty ferocious. He looks like he would eat both your legs if you gave him a chance. I'm getting a tiny bit terrified over here, guys.

But I must also bring up the elephant in the room - Ground/Dragon? Really? Why??? Sharks are aquatic animals, which would lead one to expect a Water typing. But if one walks on land, and possibly burrows through the earth, Ground as a sub-type is acceptable. And then I guess sharks are like the dragons of the ocean, kinda, not really, and so since it isn't swimming anyway, mumble jumble Dragon type?

I'm gonna roll with it, but I'm a little confused. I'm confused, terrified, and also slightly aroused?


Overall: 8/10

No. 443: Gible

you don't know how much I've been waiting to review this line



Gible starts it off strong. He's a land shark, with a hint of Piranha in him. He's got pontoons on the side of his head, which seems random, but I believe they're supposed to be like a hammerhead shark, except his eyes aren't on them. Which makes you wonder what they do, but Hammerheads are my favorite kind of shark, so there you go.

Then he's got classic Pokemon arms and legs, a mouth that is slightly more adorable than ferocious, and a trademark fin. With a few stripes for good measure.

And at this stage in the game, everything it working. This guy is compact, and looks like he could skeletonize a cow in under 10 minutes. Or would that be a Miltank? In that case, give him 5 more minutes, Miltank has a lot of meat on her bones. But whatever, Gible is crazy neat-o.


Overall: 10/10

No. 442: Spiritomb

Thanks, doc.


When I was in 2nd grade, I had to draw a Gastly from memory or something. I drew a big scribbly ball of gas, with a jack-o-lantern face in the middle. I think Gamefreak must have raided the recycling bins during recess, because I think I totally drew the concept art for Spiritomb way back then, and they stole it.

It makes sense, because this design could only have been invented by a 2nd grader. It's a messy swirl of ghost flame, with a silly face and a swirly eyeball, coming out of a stone. It looks kinda dumb. And I know there's all this junk about "108 spirits formed to make this ghost bound to a stone blah blah 108 temptations" but as you may know by now, the Japanese say a lot of bullshit, and only half of it makes any sort of sense. How can one Pokemon be 108 ghosts? Are each of those a Pokemon? Are they that ghost you fought in Lavender Tower?

Spiritomb has the distinction of not having any weaknesses, and unlike Sableye, isn't complete trash. So there's that. But that frigging face, man. I can't take something serious if it has one eyeball with a spiral in it, like a cartoonish villain from some Nickelodeon show. That's some King K. Rool-level shit right there.


Overall: 4/10

No. 441: Chatot

I think is says a lot about the recent quality of Pokes that I was actually looking forward to Chatot.


Who is a Normal/Flying, and hatehatehate, but besides that, he isn't too bad. His head is a musical note, which is awesome. And he's a parrot, which is new.

Plus, he has a neat gimmick. You use the microphone to record a sound bite, and then Chatot uses Chatter, which makes that sound. So you can do damage by having it scream obscenities at the opposing Pokemon. It takes advantage of the DS microphone, something not many things do. Hey, did you know in Japan, the Famicon (their version of the NES) had a microphone in the controller? Yeah, you could shout at the shopkeeper in Kid Icarus to give you a discount, and sometimes he would. He'd also sometimes get mad and double his prices, so yeah.

So Chatot - pretty alright. Interesting, even if it sucks in any sort of actual use. But at least it isn't a shit-covered diaper-pooping baby.


Overall: 7/10

No. 440: Happiny

FOUR HUNDRED (and forty) BABIES



I seem to be stuck in a wave of babies, recently. And guess what? They are all pretty sucky.

But while on the surface, Happiny doesn't inspire me to outright anger, when I think deeper, I realize it's messed up. This is a baby Pokemon. Which carries around an egg. Now, you know what an egg is? It's kind of a baby. So this is a baby which can have babies, which is messed up beyond belief. Not to mention the fact that Happiny can't breed in game, so producing eggs is a direct contradiction! And without going to far into the whole "where do pokemon eggs come from, where do Chanseys get their eggs" shitstorm, I think we can all agree that Happiny has More than Two Problems.

Hey, wait - Happiny is a baby Chansey, right? So does that mean that Chansey eggs are Happiny eggs? WHICH CHANSEY EATS HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO FUCKED UP


Overall: 1/10

No. 439: Mime Jr.

if there is anything more intrinsically horrid in this world than a mime baby, I don't want to hear about it.


Again, I have to ask: did anyone really sit around and seriously think, "You know who needs a baby prevolution? Mr. Mime!" because it seems like the sort of thing that wouldn't happen in a world ruled by a just and loving God.

I'm not even going to try and hide my hatred for this dogshit excuse of a Pokemon. It sucks. It isn't funny. It's stupid. It isn't cool. It's ugly. It isn't useful. It's obnoxious. It isn't needed. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.


Overall: 1/10

No. 438: Bonsly

oh godd


I think you all know how I feel about babies by now. I hate them. With a few notable exceptions (Magby, Elekid) they are horrible little turds that shouldn't exist. Sudowoodo was completely fine as a stand-alone Pokemon, there was no need to make this dude.

And have you seen him in the anime? He's a frigging crybaby, and his tears probably hurt him since he's Rock-type, which makes him cry more, but that's fine. I hope he's in pain, because looking at him causes me pain. The whole point of Sudowoodo is that you think he's Grass-type when he's not. That's just about the only gimmick it has going. But when you make a prevolution, then that ruins it. If you know Bonsly, then you know Sudowoodo's trick. And while Bonsly might trick you, it won't matter, because it's but a baby.

Underestimating Sudowoodo is a mistake, but you can't underestimate Bonsly because he is just the worst already. I don't care if this breaks his little crybaby heart. In the words of a famous Russian, "Cry some more."


Overall: 1/10

No. 437: Bronzong

Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.


and while I pissed all over Bronzor, I think I kinda like Bronzong. He's clearly a bell, which is good. And he has identifiable arms, which makes him seem more alive, and like an actual creature, than just a magical plate.

But you know what he really reminds me of? That boss from the Tower of the Gods in Wind Waker. Yeah, totally. He looks like he would fit right in that dungeon, doesn't he? He's float around, trying to trap you, but you'd have to make him sit on top of a bomb instead, and that would destroy him. or something.

also, Bronzong has two kick-ass abilities: either Levitate, or Heatproof. The former makes him immune to Ground attacks, the latter makes him resist Fire attacks. And since these are his only two weaknesses, you're looking at a Pokemon that will have only a single weakness! That's pretty awesome.

oh, and I know Bronzor has that too, but he sucks, so it doesn't count.


Overall: 7/10

No. 436: Bronzor

Happy mother's day! Shoutouts to my mom, who plays like 3 times as much Pokemon as I do. She even legit completed the National Pokedex in Diamond, no wi-fi trades, hacks, or anything.


But now it's time for another entry in our "inanimate objects but with psychic powers" category. Bronzor is some random-ass little metal thing, like a coin? a plate? a gong? it doesn't look like any of those, but here we are. and if it was just that, it would be a held item, so it needs to also have magical abilities, which manifest themselves as the Psychic type.

If I sound a little dismissive, it's because, well, that's lazy as hell. How about a chair Pokemon, only it has psychic powers. does that sound interesting or cool at all? No, not really. If Bronzor was at least something worth giving a damn about, it would be cool, but I can't even tell what the shit this guy IS. when I look at Ye Olde Bulbapediae, it tells me he's based on a bronze mirror.

huh.

You know, last I checked, mirrors looked reflective, instead of having dots all over them. and bronze was a color in between gold and brown, not navy blue. and Bronzor still can't learn Mirror Shot or whatever. I didn't come in here expecting to hate Bronzor, but by god, I sure do.


Overall: 1/10

No. 435: Skuntank

I like to imagine it's bald and uses its tail to cover it up

So... bigger skunk, bigger stench. I kinda like his pompadour, even if it is just a tail. But that simultaneously makes me uncomfortable... as the trainer, I'm facing the business end of this thing, right? And it's lifting its tail SO HIGH, the stink-glands must be on full display, as well as anything else back there, if you get my drift.

Just seems unpleasant, is all. And while there shouldn't really be anything to complain about here... as my pappy used to say, "you can feed a Skuntank as many pokeblocs as you want, but in the end, it's still just stanky old skunk."

And you know what? Skunks are the worst. I think I used up nearly all my goodwill towards skunks yesterday. Skuntank can go drown in a can of tomato soup.


Overall: 2/10

No. 434: Stunky

does something stink in here, it is it just me?


Skunks are foul, foul creatures. They do awful things to lawns and garbage, and get away with it because if you piss them off they just fart on you, and there's nothing you can do about it. Then you have to bathe in tomato juice or something.

And that's reflected in Stunky. It's Dark/Poison, which is the most evil of combinations. Dark-types are jerks, or at least foul-tempered, and Poison-types are Team Rocket's bread and butter. They're also usually up to no good. So a Dark/Poison is like Bad News Bears V: Skunkpocalypse.

Besides that, Stunky looks pretty much just like a skunk. Which is to say, like a sour asshole. I guess his tail is crazy, and he had sinister bags under his eyes. But they definitely got across the "I be a skonk and a critter wut don't get skeered of a skonk aint exist yet" attitude, for what it was worth. It's a fine skunk, but here's the thing: I hate skunks.


Overall: 5/10

No. 433: Chingling

Every time a bell rings, a Togepi gets its wings


Gee, a pre-evolution for Chimeco? Thanks, just what I never wanted!

Chingchong is a fairly lame Pokemon. It's a bell, with dumb little legs on it. Oh, and some candy-cane-ass tassels. I've heard something about it being related to Shinto shrines, or some jazz like that, but I don't give a damn. Does Shintoism even exist in Pokemanland?

I guess it isn't outright offensive, but Chingling is still not a thing I want to look at or see very often. Making that little slit all jingle bells have into a mouth with cheeks was clever, that's just about its only redeeming feature.


Overall: 2/10

No. 432: Purugly

if I made a joke about it being a sourpuss, would anyone mind?


sometimes I wonder if it's hard work to come up with such a shitty Pokemon. Like, does it tax on the mind? To force the brain into such mental contortions as to invent something as offensively ugly as Purugly?

I mean, I know it has "ugly" in the name, it isn't supposed to be sleek and slender, even though Glameow was that way. But there was no reason to make it as awful as this. Kinky horrid whiskers that look like lock picks. random-ass jaggy pattern that doesn't do very much in the way of not making me think Purugly is wearing a muscle tee. some stupid fluffy midsection, the tail coiled pointlessly behind everything, a face-mask of a fur pattern on its head, and to top it all off, literally, some purple finger-wing-ear-tips.

I just don't know who in their right mind looked at this, and allowed it to go into the final game. I think they were trying to make it look like a conceited fat cat, like the one Cindarella's step-mother had, or Fatcat himself from Rescue Rangers, but the end result is just a big shit.


Overall: 1/10

No. 431: Glameow

If I see that frigging cat one more time -


I know cats act superior and stuff all the time, but if my cat looked nearly as haughty as this one, I'd disown it.

Anyway, as if Skitty and Meowth weren't enough, here's another generic little cat. This is quickly becoming a staple, and it's quickly becoming old and stupid. We don't need a third one. Especially one with a dumb curly tail. What is that even about, anyway? it isn't ever referenced. Does it use it to jump around, like Spoink?

I mean, I like cats, but I don't like this one. It's just so damn aggravating. It at least looks unique, though, I will give it that. I'd never mistake it for a Skitty when I'm fumbling around in the dark.


Overall: 3/10

No. 430: Honchkrow

He'll make you a deal you can't refuse.

Remember when I wanted Empoleon to be some badass mafia don? Turns out, that's exactly what Honchkrow is. He's got a cool hat, a body obviously fed by the finest Italian pasta, and even a scarf or something. Dude's legit.

something else I discovered when looking this guy up: "honcho", as in head honcho, comes from a Japanese word "hanchou", meaning the leader of a group or something. That's crazy, I thought it was Spanish or something. Wait, maybe that's gauchos? I also totally thought "sayonara" was Spanish as well, until someone flat-out told me that was Japanese for good-bye. See, this is what happens when you grow up in the 90's, with everyone greeting their amigos with a little "que pasa?" and then offing bad guys with a witty "hasta la vista baby" and trying to pick up some sexy senoritas.

anyway, I think Honchkrow is cool, but I don't know about that red tail thing. It looks a little tacked-on. Maybe it's like a carnation, just on his ass instead of his breast pocket.


Overall: 7/10

No. 429: Mismagius

I  guess I'm more surprised that anyone cared enough about Misdreavus to think up an evolution than anything else.


But you know what? I kinda like it. Actually, I really like it. No, not like that! The innuendo was yesterday!

That witch's hat looks nice and mysterious, but the little tufts of purple whatever make it look like an organic part of the body. Then the necklace element was kept, and the "dress" became more billowy, like some dark sorceress's cloak. In fact, the whole think reminds me of those wizard people from Paper Mario.

The only thing is, they missed a neat opportunity to make this one Ghost/Psychic. Coulda been cool. Because there's really no reason to use Mismagius, otherwise. There are better Ghosts in the world, and Ghosts with more interesting typings. But I kinda want to use one now, if I ever felt up to a replay of Platinum or Diamond or something. I'd name it Marisa, and mess some bitches up, ze!


Overall: 9/10

No. 428: Lopunny

A rabbit dies if left alone.


After Gardevoir, Lopunny is the one that receives the most, well, unrealistic fan art.

Now, I know rabbits have been sexualized ever since the Playboy magazine decided to make the rabbit their mascot, and especially after Japan picked up the idea of buxom bunnygirls. But why does Lopunny get all this unwanted attention? I guess I can see how Lopunny has a curvy figure, and a coquettish pose. Oh, and also it's ability is either Cute Charm or Limber. And the way it shakes its hips. And I guess Gamefreak knew exactly what it was doing when it designed her. shit.

I want to get mad at people for sexualizing a Pokemon, but I don't think I can when Gamefreak clearly intended it. I guess we're all sick bastards, but some bastards are sicker than others.

Ignoring all that, Lopunny is a nice enough Pokemon. She's got a unique look with lop-ears and giant eyebrows that remind me of Kaepora Gaebora. I wonder, though, can Lopunny punch things with her ears? I seem to remember something about Buneary being able to do that. So Lopunny is alright, and I wish they were placed at the early points of the game. But even if I wanted to use a pointless Normal type on my team, I wouldn't use Lopunny, because I'd know that somewhere, there's someone who's imagining... this.


Sexual Appeal to Normal People: 2/10
Overall: 7/10

No. 427: Buneary

I feel like this could've been the "generic rodent" instead of whatever we actually got, which I already forgot.


Because, a rabbit Pokemon is still kinda unique. Pikachu has the ears, but he's unlike a rabbit in every other way. So Bunneary is cute and cool, it rolls up its ears and then slaps bitches with them, because the world of Pokemon is like a living acid trip.

I like how it's wearing fluffy little pants, that shit is adorable. Buneary isn't exciting, and not worth using because it's a generic Normal, but it isn't offensive, like most of the others are.


Overall: 6/10