No. 579: Reuniclus

bulbapedia is having some sort of seizure, so please excuse this image from a tertiary source.

Now, this is what I want to see. A tiny baby-style, sitting in a psychic-controlled jelly armor, controlling its arms with its mind and stuff. Also ears.

It makes me think of like an embryo in a mech suit, which sounds wonderfully insane. And because it has big strong arms, that means it can punch things. Ability to punch is something I take very seriously, you know.

I don't pretend to understand the name, or even how to spell it, but Reuniclus is just such a welcome addition to this line that I don't care. He's the first one of them to demonstrate an obvious step-up, and he isn't conflicted about whether he's fusing or dividing. He may be slow, but he hits hard and had the HP to take a few lumps. c'mon over here and give me a bear hug, buddy.


Overall: 10/10

No. 578: Duosion

I never picture this guy as being twice as big as the Solosis, but it is.

Now, Solosis has "solo" in its name. Because it's two cells becoming one, I guess. Which is strange since they never do that. Maybe it meant it's one solo cell just about to become two? that would make more sense, especially since it leads into Duosion. Who is again only one thing. Except for a tiny little thing at the top.

Okay, did I miss something? This evolutionary line is gonna be like a cell replicating and multiplying, right? the naming and first one suggest so. Then why's this guy like not even a half step forward along that line!?

Don't tell me it split into the lower, more developed body and that tiny top bit. that's moronic. It looks like it fused rather than split, given that line down the middle. waitaminute, where's the little yellow crap? did that turn into the tiny chunk? what's going on here?

Duosion would be a good first-stage, if he was named Solosis. Then he could proceed to split, and become a larger and not-as-suggestive Solosis (named Duosion). Then that would set up the third guy for being two separate entities. Instead the line tries to do both at once, and only succeeds in making me glad Duosion doesn't look like a butt. It's bad, but for a different set of reasons.


Overall: 3/10

No. 577: Solosis

Freud would've had a field day with this one.

Look, I don't like to make sex jokes. They're tasteless and vulgar, and often thrown around for cheap shock jokes. I'll use most of the swears, but I really don't like to talk about obscenely biological things that much, because what if your mom was looking over your shoulder when you read NAPACE? she'd blush something fierce, I'd bet. but there's no getting around it with Solosis, so here goes:

It looks like a floating green ass with a gaping vagina right in the middle. Or gaping asshole, if you're into that sort of thing.

I know, I know, it's supposed to be a cell undergoing the process of mitosis, but even that ends up looking like boobs at best. Hell, those dividing lines are even scientifically known as the Cleavage Furrow! Sure made us all giggle back in high school biology I'll tell ya what. also, what is that little yellow squiggle supposed to be? the tail of a sperm wiggling into an egg? Filthy.

Solosis is just disgusting to me, and makes me think about genitals WAY more than I like to when I play Pokemon. Get it out of here. The only thing remotely redeeming about it is that the concept of a giant single cell is actually kinda neat.


Overall: 2/10

No. 576: Gothitelle

someone call Lady Gaga I found her the perfect Pokemon


well, now there are only 5 bows. That's a little more manageable. But on the other hand, Gothitelle looks like she's the biggest bitch of a star ever upon the world's ugliest Christmas tree. I have never been a fan of drawing a triangle with a head and arms at the top and going "this is the female form", and this one isn't helping.

What's really getting to me, though, is her hair-things. buns? wings? I'm not even sure what to call them. But they flap up and down, like a pair of of enormous monochromatic bellows, pumping air into her swollen head. It's stupid, is what I'm saying.

Gothitelle just looks like a character from an old cartoon from the 30's, not a Pokemon. The way she flops about, especially. I can tell the designers didn't really have any idea what they were doing and any point in this evolutionary line, and when they got to the end they just sort of threw their hands up in the air and traced something from Ub Iwerks.


Overall: 2/10

No. 575: Gothorita

happy christmas to everyone, now get off the freaking internet and spend some time with your family already, sheesh.


but first, holy piss shit that is a lot of bows. That is a Bow Overload, a Bowverload. Not 3, not 4, not 5, but six, count'em SIX bows. Four in the hair, and two on the bod. Why someone would need so many bows is beyond me.

Gothorita seems to be adopting the modern fashion model trend of glancing to the side with a heavy-lidded, half-dead stare. "I don't give a damn who beautiful you think I am" is what they are trying to say, but to me it's always communicated "wow I'm bored I really want this shoot to be over so that I can go home and maybe eat an entire graham cracker"

Actually, you know who this looks like? That one girl who partners with you in Diamond and Pearl, Marley I think it was.

Yeah, I was right! Man, Gamefreak really missed out. They should've saved this character until later, or brought Gothorita up earlier. Because these two are just perfect for eachother. Maybe Marley could use more bows, though...


Overall: 6/10

No. 574: Gothita

Shout-outs to Mauro Richard Kousek, the guy is a comment MONSTER, I can see he's been burning through the backlog by the copious comments he leaves. Attaboy, Mauro!!


Finally, the Gothic Lolita fashion trend comes to Pokemon. I'm personally not a fan, and I'm actually slightly disturbed to see ANOTHER baby-esque Pokemon with such prominent lips. If it was only Smoochum, I'd say it was an outlier, but a second time? Gamefreak, you have some unresolved issues that I don't want to hear about.

Gothita itself is a bulky and slow Psychic type, just like the Munna line, and the upcoming Solosis line. I guess it's different from the usual Speed-and-Special-Attack-only archetype you see a lot, but I really wished I had something Psychic and quick besides the living nightmare known as Sigilyph.

But I have to say I love the white/black color scheme, especially fitting due to the names of the games.


Overall: 5/10

No.573: Cinccino

Now, I know some evolutions make no sense and are hard to follow, so stay with me here.


Imagine Minccino. And now, imagine it again, but wearing a bunch of curly shit. Okay, I know that was a stretch, so I'll go over it again.

Take Minccino, and add some curly fluffy scarf-like tails to it. Just all over it really. It's just Minccino with scarves. Are you following me so far?

Okay, also its regular tail disappears, but otherwise that's all it is. I realize your mind might be reeling right now, but if you just take some deep breaths you'll be fine.


seriously what the heck. I know some Pokemon whose alternate formes look more different than Minccino and Cinccino. If you'd told me one was male and the other female, like Unfezant, I'd have believed you.


Overall: 2/10

No. 572: Minccino

Yeah, I like my coffee with two shots of espresso and a little minccino


About 50% of the Unova Pokedex is just new Pokemon filling in for niches that needed to be filled. Rodents, birds, Ground/Water, rock monster, bat, etc. So I guess Mincinno is supposed to be the Jigglypuff/Clefairy analogue.

Except that while I understand the need to rodents, rock monsters, and the like, no one asked for another Clefairy. I really don't get the appeal of these bland Normal-types - they can get any super effective STABs, and while they learn a large movepool, they often don't have the stats that others do to make use of them. Enlighten me, why would anyone want to use a Minccino?

Aside from it being cute as shit, I mean. Gamefreak has learned nothing if not how to make cute critters. They might not have learned to make unique cute critters, tho. I'm covering up the ears and tail, and I'm seeing a grey Plusle. Or a grey Pikachu with almond eyes. Or any number of other tiny, adorable, easily-marketed-in-Japan animals.


Overall: 3/10

No. 571: Zoroark

master of the Three Sword Style, they call him Poke Hunter Zoroark.

Damn, call the anime police, we have a SSJ3 werewolf on the loose. I'm not sure what is even going on with that coloration - the very tip looks again like a paintbrush, but then it defies all expectations and turns red again, all the way to the roots. Except then there are frosted black tips! That hair really doesn't know what the hell is going on, and neither do I.

aside from that, Zoroark is cool. He looks ready for action, or at least sneak attacks. Also he specializes in Special Attack, something you don't see very often from Dark-types. Pity he learns his signature move, Night Daze, so late. Also I am just now realizing that the things Dark-types are meant to counter often have more Sp. Defense than Phys. Defense, so Zoroark being the exception is really kind of a bad thing.

He reminds me of Lucario for some reason, and if he was Dark/Fighting I would totally use one. As it is, there are just so many other badass Pokemon with a Dark subtype that I can't really justify messing around with him. For the "first revealed Pokemon" of the generation, you'd think he'd be more special, pack more of a punch, but he's still solid.


Overall: 7/10

No. 088: Grimer

And now just look at this pile of crap.

wait, I don't mean that in a bad way! Grimer is a living pile of sludge, and he is ready for some fondling. Just look at those arms. Grimer loves nothing better than to work up a good stank and then just fondle the shit out of some - hey wait. wait just a goddamn minute.

I remember doing this guy before, what's going on here?

Zorua, is that you?

No. 569: Garbodor

Garbodor - name brought to you by the geniuses behind "Conkeldurr"


On one hand, living trash monsters, a horrifying lesson in toxic waste come to life, like Hedorah, are inherently frightening and serve to teach us a lesson about how we treat the planet and all our refuse. On the other hand, Garbodor is just fucking awful.

I'll admit that the name isn't as random as it first sounds, it's a combination of garbage and odor. But I can't admit that the color scheme is anything but queasy, or that the large amounts of shit and dirt make me curl my lips in distaste.

It's an ugly Pokemon, and I know it was created to be so. The arms are misshapen and asymmetrical on purpose, I get that. Actually, the design wouldn't be so bad if it was a Digimon or JRPG enemy. But in no way does it look like a Pokemon. I have never liked the idea that these Poison-types are actual pollution brought to life, and I especially don't like it being as obvious as this. I prefer my Pokemon to NOT look like a reject from the TMNT actions figure line, thank you very much.

Garbledarble here can piss up a rope, and what the hell are those pink and blue things anyway.


Overall: 1/10

No. 568: Trubbish

oh shit.

If they wanted to make a sad sack of a Pokemon, the kind that makes you want to wretch when you see it, they succeeded.

Trubbish is just ugly and lopsided, with a mongoloid overbite somehow the second worst thing on a puke-green body. No, the worst thing is those "arms". I hesitate to call them that, because they look an awful lot like feces and garbage spilling out of the sides, with a few candy chunks inexplicably thrown in. They remind me of how sometimes you see corn in your turds, honestly.

You see,  Trubbish is a garbage back full of shit. There's just no way of looking at it that doesn't come back to this fact, that doesn't involve me thinking "gee I wonder what 68 pounds of dogshit smells like". This is a lesson - just because you can make an unappealing craptastic Pokemon, doesn't mean you should.


Overall: 1/10

No. 567: Archeops

look, don't get so down on yourself

I mean it, Archeops. You've got wonderful stats, with ridiculous Attack and a strong Speed, so don't throw it all away! I mean, you can use Stone Edge to STAB a lot of things and take out those pesky Ice types, Earthquake to deal with 3 of your other weaknesses (Rock, Steel, Electric), and Acrobatics to smack anyone around with a STAB 110 base power! Listen to me, Archeops, you've got a lot going for you!

I know other people will tell you that you look like a snake is exploding out of a chicken, or that having every single primary color as well as green is a bit more mardis gras than Pokemon, but you don't listen to them, Archeops, you don't listen! Please, I'm begging you! Nooooooooo!


Well, that's done it then. You've gone and lost more than half your health, so now what are we gonna do. Waggle at the opponent? I loaded you up on physical Attack moves, but c'mon. This is disgraceful, this is. Go wallow in self-pity Archeops, I don't need you anymore. If not for such a horrid ability I might give you an 8, and if you were a bit less fabulous it might even be a 9. But as it is... Don't get hit, is my advice.


Overall: 5/10

No. 566: Archen

look at this filthy feathery fu-wait, what?

Hold on, this is a bird thing that isn't Normal/Flying? is that legal? Can they do that? I guess they did.

You know, speaking of dinosaurs and feathers and such, I'm not so sure I'm keen on the idea that Tyrannosaurus Rex was feathery. Like, that just rubs me the wrong way. A few dinosaurs I'll allow, they can have some amount of feathers, but the Big T should just be 10 tons of tyrannical thunder lizard scale and muscle and teeth, not weak shit like feathers.

Also, what about Brontosaurus and Apatosaurus? Who may or may not be the same person? You see "scientists" willing to sprinkle feathers willy-nilly over Velociraptors and Allosauruses, but you never see them put feathers on the herbivorous ones. Like, what the dick would Triceratops use feathers for? Or Ankylosaurus. It would be ridiculous, and I refuse to believe in such things. Also spellcheck needs to step their dinosaur-related game up majorly, the only one it recognized was Brontosaurus.

Oh yeah, Archen? Meh. It's alright, I guess, if you like ancient birds. (I don't really)


Overall: 5/10

No. 565: Carracosta

you gotta say it with a Latin flair - ¡Carracósta!


Tirtouga was boring, but Carracosta is rockin'. I'm a big sucker for those kind of helmet-plate-things that cover the upper jaw and stuff, like a ton of Digimon have. Blazekin also. I think they did a good job of making him like the 4th "turtle" Pokemon, but different from even the other, more famous Water one. Colors look good together, and it even looks like he's wearing a flotation device vest.

which is appropriate, because one of his moves, Shell Smash, greatly raises his offensive stats, as the cost of lowering his defensive ones. It's a cool concept, that he'd just take off the damn shell like Rock Lee taking off his weighted ankle bracers, and isn't that bad of a move (as far as stat-boost moves go).

The guy isn't perfect, he's got a typing we've seen several times before, and as noted, we've seen turtles before, too. But I guess the point is that he doesn't make it seem old hat. also I love that name.


Overall: 7/10

No. 564: Tirtouga

Yaay! Another turtle!

But it's a sea turtle, not a pond turtle or a tortoise! yaay?

Most of the fossil Pokemon are, frankly, dumb. They either end up too strange and bizarre to be cool, or too boring to justify being fossilized and preserved and then brought back to life. Tirtouga falls into the latter category.

It's just a generic sea turtle that like in Finding Nemo, only that one was kinda cool. Tirtouga isn't. In fact, I'm now starting to get a tiny bit pissed. what business does he have being do damn boring, when we just had Cofagrigus the other day? c'mon, Unova, get your head back in the game.


Overall: 2/10

No. 563: Cofagrigus

in Japanese its name is Deathcan which is pretty nice you have to admit


you guys this guy is just so freaking awesome I don't even know if I can properly convey it

I mean, it's a goddamn sarcophagus with four ghostly hands. And the centerpiece of it opens and closes to reveal this evil face, that's somewhat reminiscent of how Tangela, Shellder, and old-school Jynx have "hidden" faces. Also note Yamask's mask just chilling there. nice touch. the colors are even great, that gold-and-blue instantly says "hey dipstick I'm Egyptian if you don't like it then suck a camel".

you see, it's a Ghost-type (which I like) that specializes in Defense (which is unusual) and it learns some neat move combinations. Hex is a welcome addition to the Ghost Pokemon moveset, but combined with Will-o-Wisp and Cofagrigus' high potential to turtle, it becomes great. Or even better, Toxic and use Protect to buy some extra turns.

The name itself is a little clunky, I'll admit, but there are just so many shit-slapping nicknames you can give this guy with an Egyptian theme. Anubis, Osiris, Ramses, King Tut, The Tutster, ur mummy, Mumm-ra, Tutty K., Luxor, Tha Big Tut, Ankha, Tuttin n Struttin, Cairo, Tut Tut it looks like Rain, Slimeball McCoy, DIO, The Giffer, and Courtney.

Okay, half of those were just increasingly silly names for King Tutankhamen, but you get my point. Cofafrigus gets 4 ghostly thumbs up.


Overall: 10/10

No. 562: Yamask

have we been over how Ghost-types don't make any sense?


Because they totally don't. If they're real honest-to-goodness GHOSTS, as in the spectral remains of dead people, as some of the Pokedex entries claim, then I'd say there are some ethical issues about catching them in Pokeballs. But then how can they breed and make eggs? I'm pretty sure the first rule of being dead is that you can't make any more babies.

then some of them like Banette are said to be demonic entities borne out of some supernatural grudge. Which means that those moms were right and Pokemon is about raising demons. But then shouldn't they be Demon type? and what do each of these have to do about evolving?

I mean, according to the dex, Yamask remembers its former life, and carries around a mask representative of its human face. and then you just go and enslave it. I dunno, it seems wrong. Especially since it'll evolve into Cofagrigus, who has an entirely different origin story. In the end, I choose to mostly ignore the pokedex, since it seems to have been written by the same guy who does Toriko, exaggerating everything and in most cases just making shit up.

uh, as for Yamask itself, it's pretty neat. Black, red and gold makes a striking color combination. It also really doesn't look like anything specific, which works for a Ghost-type.


Overall: 6/10

No. 561: Sigilyph

bleu? whay? huhn?

wait hold on - this is a Pokemon? someone actually sat down and coded this nightmare into the game? On one hand I'm relieved, I thought perhaps I was being cursed by an Ancient One.

On the other hand this is an incredibly awful Pokemon.


Let's get the obvious out of the way - Sigilyph is inspired by the Nazca Lines, which are totally real things and arguably the work of aliens. But that in no way excuses what happened next. They decided to take such a thing and turn it into a Pokemon. Why did they think this was a good idea? Were they high? Drugs must have been involved.

There are six - count 'em - SIX colors involved on this. And all of them are awful. It's supposedly a Flying-type, but those wings cannot support any sort of body. In fact, the whole design is like that - seemingly random, fragile appendages sprouting off of a bulbous, radish-like body. Oh, and three eyes because why the hell not. And it's Psychic because that's what Gamefreak does when it has no goddamn clue what to do with the design it just came up with, they make it a Psychic-type.

Sigilyph is just so damn insane, I almost can't believe it. It's like a feverdream or something. Shit, I think I'm losing sanity points thinking about it.


Overall: 1/10

No. 560: Scrafty

say that to my face not online and see what happens


I think the concept works better in the second stage. That hoodie looks fly as hell, and the mohawk is really selling his punk attitude.

now I want to take this time to talk about pants. Pants are important, because they cover your legs up when its cold, and if you have ugly legs then other people don't have to see them. If you have thin or regular legs, skinny jeans are neat, because they hug the curves and make tha ladeez go krayzee. If your legs are incredibly skinny, like twigs and shit, then consider regular pants because skinny jeans will make your legs look like toothpicks. If you have fat legs then just buy whatever will contain them, I guess.

also, big baggy poofy pants are amazing for lazing around the house in. Like, I have a pair of sweatpants that's like 5 sizes too big and my legs feel like they're in heaven. I wouldn't wear it outside, of course, but I admit that the size of pants Scrafty is packing is right up my alley. So, props to him for being bold enough to take those bad boys outside.


Overall: 6/10

No. 559: Scraggy

The initial design pitch for this guy must have been hilarious.

"Hey, I've got this great idea! It's a Fighting/Dark type, okay?"
    "Sounds good, that's a new combination."
"And it's like this tiny gang banger, okay? So it's got all this attitude, and it headbutts everything!"
    "yeah, yeah, I like it! What kind of animal is it based on?"
"I dunno a lizard or something."
    "okay, I'll take it. Let me just - "
"No you didn't let me finish. Also it's got these baggy pants and it can stretch them up to its neck or whatever to protect itself!"
    "holy shit what"
"it'll be great, trust me. also the pants are made of its own skin. also its got a face like it's permanently dropping a deuce."
    "look you obviously need psychiatric help but we're strapped for time so we'll just have to use it."


seriously, I have no idea what the hell they were thinking. Scraggy is doing his best to NOT make me think of foreskin, but he's not succeeding. I kinda like the idea, but the actual execution of it is just freaking the piss out of me.


Overall: 3/10