What's going on?

Since it's the 14th anniversary of NAPACE, I figured that's as good an opportunity as any to update y'all on what's been going on. We'll save the theatrics for the big 15th next year, but the reason NAPACE has been so dead these past months is because of real life shit getting in the way (doesn't it always), but mainly because I've been working on a major project.

This major project is a manifesto of sorts, a thesis to answer the common question "Why don't Pokemon look like Pokemon anymore?". People have tackled this before, and come up with easy-but-wrong answers like "because modern Pokemon are all based on real-life objects like ice cream cones" and correct-but-vague answers like "because the proportions and art style changed". Neither of which is satisfying for me. I want an answer that's quantifiable, without resorting to prejudiced generalizations.

As you can imagine, this has taken time. Currently, I have a draft that covers Gen 1 and 9, but ideally it would work through each generation, covering the design trends that emerge. I presented this draft as a panel at a local anime convention recently (shoutouts to anyone who found this blog from that!) and if people are interested I could post what I have as a work-in-progress, or maybe I'll hold off until the whole thing is done. idk

Regardless, thanks for sticking with me despite the lack of updates. 

No. 927: Dachsbun

Inugami Korone

Still adorable, and I still want to eat its ears. I believe they taste like cinnamon donuts. Or chocolate-covered ones? But the hair makes me reconsider things... not a fan of fur in my food.

But rather than being a loaf of bread with legs, it's clever how they worked the bread into the design in multiple ways. You can't see it from this image, but its spine looks like braided bread. And the Well-Baked Body is a clever ability, big fan of getting bonus Type immunities!

Actually, now I'm starting to think Daschbun is like a big savory pretzel. I wanna dunk it in honey mustard sauce and take a bite. OK now I'm hungry, review's over, I gotta get something to eat.

Overall: 9/10

No. 926: Fidough

how much is that doggy in the window

Fidough looks delicious. We've theorized for years about the "most edible Pokemon", but I think we have a new top dog. I wanna rip off its ears, spread some butter & jam on them, and have a snack. Does that make me a monster?

anyway, it's cute, and certainly whimsical enough to justify the Fairy typing. Even though Fairy Bread is Australian, not Spanish...

Overall: 8/10

No. 925: Maushold

four of them

In classic Gen 1 fashion, a Pokemon has evolved simply by gathering "more" of itself. And as with Magnemite and Dugtrio, this raises so many questions.

What happens if you catch a single Tandemaus but not its partner? What if you separate a member of the Maushold and raise it independently? Do the small ones grow into Tandemice and pair up, or do they move out to mingle with other Mausholds for better genetic diversity? They're treated as Genderless, so thankfully we don't have to answer some of the weirder breeding questions, but.

They still creep me out.

Overall: 5/10

No. 924: Tandemaus

two of them 

Sanrio's latest mascot characters are adorable. Well, to be accurate, they're inspired by the Sylvanian Family toys, but the point is these lil' fellas are cute.

But at the same time... oddly creepy. They have that dead-eyed doll stare. I would hate to own one of these and wake up in the middle of the night to find them standing on my dresser, looking at me.

Also, the two-tone coloring is too subtle. I honestly didn't even know they had coloration until seeing their artwork, in-game it just comes across as solid white due to how small the models are most of the time.

Overall: 4/10

No. 923: Pawmot

Pawmot Patrol

Speaking of throwback elements to older gens, Pawmot carries the tradition of being an ambiguous creature instead of a twist on a specific real-life animal. It's kind of a teddy bear, but listed as the "Mouse Pokemon", and also resembles a hamster? With Popeye arms and Iron Man repulsors blasts? I'm not sure why it's part Fighting-type, but... hey. hold the phone.

This is an evolution of Pawmo? Are we sure it evolved? Or did it just step closer to the camera? Wait, it changed its fur color back to Pawmi's. Why is Pawmo desaturated, then? And what's the difference between Pawmo and Pawmot, larger hair tufts???

Probably the worst case of "it just gets bigger" evolutions, except it still doesn't even look fully-evolved. Maybe just skip from Pawmi straight to this thing, then. But I'm not gonna give it a good review cuz I already spent that goodwill on Pawmo.

I think they maybe planned a proper evolution, but accidentally copied the model for Pawmo over the space where Pawmot was supposed to go, and couldn't figure out how to restore the intended version so they just made Pawmot bigger and called it a day.

Overall: 2/10

No. 922: Pawmo

Pawmo Patrol

Speaking of throwback elements to older gens, Pawmo carries the tradition of being an ambiguous creature instead of a twist on a specific real-life animal. It's kind of a teddy bear, but listed as the "Mouse Pokemon", and also resembles a hamster? With Popeye arms and Iron Man repulsors blasts? I'm not sure why it's part Fighting-type, but Fighting/Electric is a dope typing so hey. It all kinda sorta works.

Also I wanna give it props for actually evolving, all the Pika-clones have just been meaningless single-stage losers but Gen 9 shakes it up. You can say it's a blatant Pikachu ripoff, but I'd say it's an artful homage to the buckwild design ethos of Gen 1.

Overall: 8/10

No. 921: Pawmi

2X PIMPY 3X BAPE

Pawmi looks like one of those intensely inbred pit bulls, or maybe an over-inflated Pikachu. Every aspect of it looks puffed up. Bro is the size of a jelly donut and likely to be squished like one.

I'll give it props for bringing back that type of glossy eyes, though. Feels like a throwback design element to the older gens, which is appropriate for a Pika-clone.

Overall: 4/10

No. 920: Lokix

Jack be Loquick

Lokix looks cool as hell and kicks the shit out of anybody who disagrees. Kamen Rider Black was the clear inspiration, which is fine because that also rocks. Lokix benefits from animations, with the way its back legs unfold to scythe at the opponent. I kinda wish it was Steel-type, so that those legs could be chainsaws. But as Bug/Dark, this thing is a Psychic-type's worst nightmare.

And everyone in Paldea knows this thing is awesome, they even made bike helmets using its likeness. Lokix was a core part of my team from the moment it evolved, embarrassing the shit out of Spidops.

Overall: 10/10

No. 919: Nymble

Jack be Nymble

The worst thing about Nymble is that it's so Goddamn tiny that I keep running into it in the wild by accident.

The second worst thing about Nymble is that its eyes look like it's constantly on the verge of tears, eyes blurring and about to cry.

The third worst thing about Nymble is that... well, maybe there isn't one. But I can't think of a "best thing" about Nymble, either. Those wings are kinda weird? Cuz they're actually legs? Is that worth any points?

Overall: 3/10

No. 918: Spidops

Call of Duty: Spidops

If this is how the early-game bug and rodent Pokemon are looking, then damn we're in good hands this generation! Spidops is great, he looks like a Mega Man X boss and moves like Agent 47. I love the animation where he draws the web-garrote taut, ready to choke a bitch. Spidops moves with such purpose and personality, it's hard to believe he's only the 2nd stage in this line. I wonder what sort of badass assassin spider he'll evolve into?

Hm? what's what? I've been passed a paper just now... It seems that Spidops doesn't evolve. This is it. Surely that can't be right, we call this bug "Not Found" because his base stat total is 404. His whole setup revolves around forcing the opponent to switch out, and punishing that with Sticky Web and Stakeout. Except Spidops isn't threatening to anything because it's so weak.

A damn shame, because I really like the design and concept going on here, but I had to bench my Spidops because being SO SLOW made it simply unfun to use in the main game. Especially with a much better Bug-type right around the corner. I know I don't tend to grade on stats, just designs, but sometimes I can't help but be influenced by the way the Pokemon performs in-game, you know?

Overall: 9/10

No. 917: Tarountula

round boi

We've had a couple of bagworm Pokemon before, like Pineco and Burmy. Tarountula fills that niche in a new way, and I think for the better. It's just more interesting to have a spider hanging around than a dumb ol' cocoon.

With that said, it's not like Tarountula is anything special. It's the first spider Pokemon that actually has 8 legs, but the legs aren't emphasized in the design so honestly it could have gotten away with just 6 without an issue. I think it looks like a silly bug who got stuck in a big ball of spaghetti, and sometimes that's okay.

Overall: 5/10

No. 916: Oinkologne

Colognac - drink it. or wear it. we really don't give a care.

Pigs are often associated with filth and ugliness, so it's a neat change of pace to see one that's explicitly "pretty". Some Pig, indeed! Oinkologne's ears resemble bishounen bangs, and he flips them with panache. This suave porker looks like the handsome leader of the Student Council who has his own fan club.  

The female of the species operates similarly, and while they say you can't put lipstick on a pig I think maybe we just haven't found a pretty enough pig. Until now. Oinkologne could absolutely rock some lipstick, she's already got the eyeshadow on point, and anything else she wants. Not since Miss Piggy has there been a more glamorous swine.

Overall: 8/10

No. 915: Lechonk

 no match for Guybrush Threepwood, mighty pirate!

Every route, we get a boring ass Normal type rodent in the early routes. Nobody likes them, nobody uses them, and yet they persist. Of course, last time it was a sheep - not a rodent, not even by the loosest approximation. Neither is a pig, and perhaps it's no coincidence that both Wooloo and Lechonk have been better than the usual fare.

I mean, it's still nothing great, let's be honest. I used to throw these suckers into the ocean in Wind Waker by the bushel. But at least it's not another groundhog-adjacent vermin. 

Overall: 4/10

No. 914: Quaquaval

¡viva fiesta!

I get that this is a reference to the Carnival dancers, and that Quaquaval has turned from a duck into a peacock. But Carnival is usually associated with Brazil, not Spain. And if he's a peacock, he's a freaking ugly one.

You can't see it in this artwork, but Quaquaval summons a halo of water-feathers to act as a tail when in battle. It kinda looks like crap, though. And those Ikki the Phoenix feathers trailing from his hips don't help. Not to mention the bell-bottoms and freaky mutant toes.

Also the overall posture is just really off-putting to me, like why's he cranking that dumpy so far back? Calm down.

Overall: 2/10

No. 913: Quaxwell

must work out at the library

When the starters were first revealed, I saw Quaxly and thought, "Oh, it's a Don Quixote reference, he'll probably evolve into Ducky-xote and be a proud knight or something". Cuz of the name, and the fact that Paldea is Spain, right? Wrong.

Instead, Quaxwell is a big-noggin unibrow doofus wearing a crop top and crocs. I've heard of the ugly duckling, but this is taking it too far. Especially since that story ends with a beautiful swan, and Quaxwell is destined for... well, that's for another day.

Overall: 1/10

No. 912: Quaxly

Todomatsu lookin ass

I think copyright laws are pretty dumb most of the time, and overly stringent. That said, I kinda wish Disney would come along and copyright strike this Donald Duck ripoff right out of the game. I hate looking at him and his silly little hat. Quaxly looks like the annoying Animal Crossing villager who moves to your town and refuses to leave no matter how many times you hit him with a net.

Overall: 3/10

2-2: Blooper

Splatoon, eat your heart out

One of my lowkey favorite Mario enemies, Blooper rocks. That blank expression hides the cold and calculating mind of a murderer. You know cephalopods are smarter than we think, right? Blooper is always watching, always waiting, for a chance to wrap its tentacles around Mario and drag him down into the briny depths forever.

It's been playable only 3 times (Party 8, Sluggers, and Tennis Aces), but shows up all the time in games. Sunshine probably gave it the biggest spotlight, between multiple fights with Gooper Blooper and those frustrating-to-dismount Gooper Racers.

And as a classic enemy, it can be tough to deal with - bobbing in unpredictable patterns, yet somehow faster than Mario can swim. Certainly tougher than a Cheep-Cheep.

I really wish it had been used as a partner in a Paper Mario game, or given the driver's seat in a Mario Kart. The Blooper item is mildly distracting at worst, so I don't think anyone would notice it being gone.

Overall: 10/10

No. 911: Skeledirge

Call 9-1-1... we just nuked the building.

So we're looking at a mashup of themes, here. Skeledirge is a crocodile, with a wreath of flames coming from the corners of its mouth. And if this were Gen 1, it would have probably stopped there. But this is Gen 9, baby! So he's got a little bird made of fire that sits on his nose, like those birds that clean crocodile's teeth. But wait, there's more! He's also got a Ghost sub-type, justified by face paint reminiscent of the candy skulls from Mexico's Day of the Dead. And you bet your ass that still isn't enough, because he's also a lounge singer and that fire bird turns into a microphone and then into a phoenix and flies at the opponent.

And somehow? it all works. What a legend. I'm only taking points off because somebody said the way his flames are arranged makes it look like he's got Bozo the Clown hair, with the facepaint and all.

Overall: 9/10

No. 910: Crocalor

back to awkward middle stages

So when I first saw this guy, I thought it was a jaunty sombrero. Fitting, given the Latin flair in Fuecoco's name and the Dia de los Muertos theme that Skeledirge ends up with. But in this artwork, it really doesn't look like a sombrero at all. Probably because it's intended to be a nest, for an egg.

And yeah, it could be both a hat AND a nest, but it's kinda disappointing because big wide-brimmed sombreros are awesome and birds are dumb. But I guess it explains where the bird comes from for Skeledirge.

if it sounds like I'm already trying to move along to the next evolution, it's because Crocalor is a dumpass who doesn't even have a cool hat.

Overall: 3/10

No. 909: Fuecoco

shoutouts to tha 909

When Fuecoco was revealed, everyone thought he was an apple. Then people realized since he's Fire-type, he's probably supposed to be a pepper. Turns out, his evolutions don't pursue either path. He's literally just a little dude. A little dude with a big goofy grin.

Fuecoco avoids the trend of starters having comically large heads compared to their bodies, by following in Rowlet's footsteps and simply having his head fuse with his body. What he wasn't able to avoid, however, was the pieces of Kraft cheese somebody slapped to him. After Scorbunny, is this the new trend for Fire starters?

Most importantly (to me at least) is that Fuecoco being a crocodile disproves once and for all the "zodiac theory". A theory that should have been dead on arrival, since Cyndaquil was a porcupine and not a mouse, or when Fennekin was a fox and not a dog.

Overall: 9/10

No. 908: Mewoscarada

Now, for my next trick... 

Meowscarada looks like Arkana from Yu-Gi-Oh. Except wearing tights. Just to put that mental image in your mind.

That yo-yo is now a... magical levitating flower? a singular Gundam Bit? Navi from Ocarina of Time? Gradius's Option? If anything, the artwork looks like it's supposed to be juggling, except there's only 1 ball. And then the animators saw the concept art, but were unable to come up with any way to feature it besides just having it float around.

That's the only distracting thing about an otherwise solid design.

Overall: 8/10

No. 907: Floragato

el gato verde

A lot of people were apparently disappointed that Sprigatito's evolutions stood up. Personally, I don't really care, although I get how being quadrupedal makes it feel more like a monster and less like a character.

Regardless, Floragato rocks. The middle stage often comes across as an awkward halfway point, but Floragato nails the "teen badass" vibes like Charmeleon and Grovyle. That pink doohickey is actually a yo-yo, by the way. Kinda random, but it adds a twist beyond simply being a green cat. Wish it was better conveyed in the artwork, though.

Overall: 8/10

No. 906: Sprigatito

Okay, delayed long enough so that everyone who would care has already moved on, right? Good, time to get down to business.

This dank little kitty may not be a Fire type, but it's blazed out of its mind. There's nothing going on behind those bloodshot eyes besides bong fumes and a subliminal desire for tacos at 1 am. Forget Professor Oak, we need to call Dr. Dre and get him to analyze this chronic cat. Call it what you want - bud, pot, skunk, spliff, reefer, Mary Jane, sticky icky, the point is - the cat is weed.

Anyway, it's got an enormous noggin compared to its body, as is standard for starters these days, but it's an extremely cute noggin. And despite being the second feline starter in three generations, it doesn't overlap much with Litten in terms of design. I like it, even though this artwork has one eye slightly tilted. But I can blame that on the ganja. 

Overall: 420/10