No. 311: Plusle

My sister and her friend went as Pluse and Minun one year.

"hey look at me guys, I'm totally Pikachu, I swear!"

URG. There was no need for this to happen. All Plusle and Minun did was confuse people who thought they should evolve into Pikachu or something. Gamefreak keeps on doing this, making new electric rodents and shoehorning them into the anime in the hopes they'll be the next Pikachu.

NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

I mean, they didn't even try to pretend they could come up with a new idea. It's still the same mouse-rabbit as Pikachu. If they had seriously tried to make it more bunny-like, then things would be a little different, but whatever.

I only give a point because the Positive/Negative themed abilities is a good idea for a double battle Pokemon.


Overall: 2/10

No. 310: Manectric

Anyone remember the pinheads, from SNL?

Look at Mr. No-Fun here. He's so uptight, he can't even sit down.

While on one hand it's kinda funny that his mane all stood up like Super Saiyan hair, it also looks dumb. And are those tiny slits in the side of his head supposed to be ears? That's kinda creepy.

Also, I don't like how he went from looking all feral to this super hardass cop dog thing. I mean, he already have dog Pokemon that are associated with the police, we don't need any more. Some giant badass thunder wolf woudl've been amazing, but oh well.


Overall: 4/10

No. 309: Electrike

Good dog, best friend.

You don't see many green Electric types out there. I like it, it adds character to an otherwise average design. The rounded-spikey mane he has reminds me of Wolf Link from Twilight Princess, though.

I'm trying to think of something else to say, because I don't really have much of an opinion. He's got a solid design, but he isn't awesome. He's just a dog, doing his duty, being all electric, don't worry. um, he's one of my mom's favorite Pokemon that isn't a Water or Grass type?

I guess he's another one that falls right in the middle. okay, slightly above the middle, because he's a little puppy and that's wonderful.


Overall: 6/10

No. 308: Medicham

YOGA FIRE

I love those kind of pants. Those genie pants, baloon pants, puffy pants, whatever you want to call them. The kind that Djinn wear. Those pants are great. Sometimes you see ninjas with something similar, except it only goes to the knees instead of the calf. either way, I'm a sucker for the "puffy and then suddenly skinny" design of leg coverings.

However, Medicham is in a weird position. He's got even Special and Physical properties, which is good, because as a Supreme Yoga Master he obviously has attained perfect balance of the spiritual and physical, but then his defensive stats are slightly higher than his offensive ones. And neither ones are great either. This too, wouldn't be that bad, because a Supreme Yoga Master should be patient. But then he's got a low Health and higher Speed, which completely contradicts his other stats.

I guess I could see him being an all-rounder, with slight specializations, but none of his stats are high enough to justify them being so even. It's a pity, because I'd totally use Medicham.

also, his shiny sprite is blue, and Meditite's is red. See that? That's smart shiny design right there.


Overall: 7/10

No. 307: Meditite

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUM

Head like a chestnut, ears like sweet rolls, Meditite is ready to rumble.

As long as rumbling doesn't entail doing much work, that is, because he'd much rather sit there and meditate all day. just like his name, get it? If you change one letter, it's like a joke, if you're feeling generous.

I don't think he should be Fighting type, though. He looks like a wimpy nerd. Pure Psychic would've been okay, and then his evolution could get the Fighting sub-type.

Wait, is he wearing a diaper? Oh snap, I think he is. Friiiiig, that's nasty. I don't want some diaper Pokemon on my team. Maybe he has to wear one because when he's meditating he doesn't even get up to go to the bathroom that is disgusting


Overall: 3/10

No. 306: Aggron

aggro as BALLS

holy shit does this guy kick ass.

First, do you know his Japanese name? Bossgodora. That's right, BOSS-FRIGGING-GODORA. I don't even know what a Godora is, but I think it fought Godzilla at one point.

Next, it's ability is called Heavy Metal. Don't even pretend you didn't perk your little ears up when I said that, even all you indie hipster alternative pissers out there, you all wish you could have an ability called Heavy Metal. You'd be like someone from JoJo's Goddamn Bizarre Adventure.

Lastly, 200 base defense. That's 3rd best in the entire world. I don't think anything (except Ground, screw the type chart) can put a scratch on his stainless steel glorious body, he will tank everything like he's the main character of a Jackie Chan movie. and do you know who that is? Jackie Mother-loving Chan, that's who. The man is made of steel and not-give-a-shit, just like Aggron.

holy balls you guys what if Aggron and Tyranitar had a giant Kaiju battle wouldn't that be the best thing.


Overall: 10/10

No. 305: Lairon

I imagine final bosses just sit around all day, gettin' their lair on.

Now, I know what you're thinking: Why should I use a Lairon when Rhyhorn already exists?

Well, maybe because you're playing Sapphire or Ruby, not Red or Blue, you shit-for-brains. Also, Lairon, like Aron, gets that crazy defense. Resistance to 10 types, bitch. As long as no Fighting or Ground show up, you're fine.

On the other hand, what are you gonna do with a Lairon? It don't learn no Rock moves naturally, and Rock kinda sucks. Steel likewise. With Rhyhorn you at least get STAB Earthquake.

meh, they're both plate-metal, quadrupedal rock monsters. potato potato.


Ovearall: 5/10

No. 304: Aron

I used to know a kid named Aaron. Dude was a jerk.

Aron is one tough little dude. With his defense, plus his typing, you'd be hard-pressed to do much of anything to him. Unless, you know, you used Ground, which is super-effective against both Rock and Steel, for some reason.

Why is that? Dirt and rocks are like the same thing, they are frequently mixed together, and they don't harm each other. And sand has never done anything significant to metal.

anyway, Aron is about Geodude level - he is certainly there, and I see him, but that's about as far as it goes.


Overall: 5/10

No. 303: Mawile

I seriously thought it was Mawlile, with an L in there up until just now.

Mawile joins the ranks of "Pokemon with more than one head, or at least more than one mouth, in either case, it freaks me out", alongside such members as Dodrio, Wobbuffet, and Girafarig.

However, I have a question: Why isn't Mawile a Grass type? I mean, she's obviously venus flytrap inspired, she looks almost like a Deku Baba from Zelda. Why pure steel? The teeth? She looks pretty soft other than that part.

Weird Pokemon, that's for sure. Also, she's the only Pokemon who actually is turned around and standing backwards. Unless you buy into the punching-bag theory for Wobbuffet, in which case you are spending too much time thinking about a shitty Pokemon.


Overall: 6/10

No. 302: Sableye

Sable Eye for the Ghost Guy

This Pokemon sucks, but I love it anyway. Just getting that out there.

Dark/Ghost is a fantastic combination, because it means Sableye has no weaknesses. None. You cannot score a super-effective hit against Sableye. Now if you just paired this typing with Shedinja's Wonder Guard...

Also, the design is frigging awesome. It reminds me of Stitch, from Disney's "Some Hawaiian Girl and her Hot Sister and Also an Alien named Stitch". But what you don't see is that Sable here has a creepy, sharp-toothed grin. And a ruby and a sapphire embedded in its back. it's sinister and creepy, but also looks like you just might be able to becomes its friend. Another great Ghost-type.


Overall: 10/10

No. 301: Delcatty

Don't declaw your cats, people, please.

I said that Skitty is the best cat, and I stand by that. Delcatty is fine too, but by the time that cat grows up, I realize that it's just another useless Normal type.

not even those gorgeous eyes can sway me, Delcatty, don't even try.

Well, maybe a little bit. And I like how the tail-tip-wagglers from Skitty somehow became little thingums on the side of Delcatty's neck warmer.

Okay, fine. You can get a good score, Delcatty. Now come on over here and let me pet you, there's a good kitty...


Overall: 9/10

300 Spartans ain't got nothin' on this.

Wow, 300 Pokemon? That's a lot of Pokemon. And that's not even half way to all the Pokemon that there are.

How did there get to be so many Pokemon? I can't say it happened when I wasn't watching, because I've dutifully bought every generation.

anyway, thanks for reading 300 of these things. I know I don't update as frequently as I'd like, and I don't have an excuse. But I want you to know that I'll try not to be that guy who stops updating, or goes on long hiatuses because "LOL SCHOOL YOU KNOW", because that's bullshit. It's not like I shouldn't be able to spare 15 minutes at some point during the day, Christ. So thanks for sticking with it.

And I hope you'll keep sticking with it, or at least, for about two more weeks. Important date coming up, with some big news that (I hope) you might be interested in.

No. 300: Skitty

First person to mention hot Skitty on Wailord action gets a boot up their ass.

Gamefreak keeps trying to make decent cat Pokemon. I don't know why they find it so hard, because if Japan is good at one thing, it is having an unsettling amount of fetishes. But if Japan is good at two things, it is drawing cute cats.

However, they seem to not be able to tap into that over here at Gamefreak. Meowth is frigging ugly, Persian is a literal cat, and, aside from our Star of the Day, the rest are also kinda dumb and weird. I mean, how hard is it to do something vaguely Hello Kitty-ish?

But they really don't need to make anymore "cute kitten" type Pokemon, because they did it right when they did Skitty.

Skitty is pretty. And also cute, and adorable. I don't want it to ever have to fight, because I want it purring on my lap. I love cats, and I'd love to have a Skitty. Did I ever tell you about my cats? I have 3 cats, let me tell you about them! Only not all of them are actually mine. One is my sister's, and the other is kind of my mom's. We found him under a bush when he was really little, and raised him up. He's really stupid, though, and is now starting to get old, but I love the guy anyway. My sister's cat has only half a tail, and sometimes she bends it in such a way that it looks like a leg. We always joked about how one time my sister said that cats have 5 legs when she was like in kindergarten, and now she has a cat that looks like it has 5 legs. The first cat I mentioned is colored like Chii from Chii's Sweet Home, which is to say he's grey with black stripes and white on the bottom. My sister's cat is a tortoiseshell. My cat is black with white feet, belly, and chin. She's really affectionate, and misses me whenever I go away. She's basically the cutest thing ever, and a total teddy bear. Like, if someone comes over, she'll just roll on her back for them to pet her. But I love her to pieces, and spoil her horribly. Sometimes I think I talk too much about my cats but then I think of how much I love my cats and I realize that I love talking about my cats, in fact, I could talk all day about my cats, and I think I will...


Overall: 10/10

No. 299: Nosepass

That has got to be the second or third largest nose I've ever seen.

Possibly based on the Moai of Easter Island, probably intended to look ridiculous, and definitely making a guest appearance in my nightmares tonight, it's Nosepass!

This is another one of those design concepts that seems totally random, but I actually don't mind. It's a stone statue with a giant red proboscis that apparently points to magnets like a compass needle.

Nose pass is pretty simple to understand, really: It is a rock thing. With a big nose. That is a magnet.

That's all there is to it.


Overall: 6/10

No. 298: Azurill

Screw you, Azurill. Go ahead and cry.

Actually? You know what? I'm going to go ahead and upgrade that to a Fuck You, Azurill.

And Marill, you slimy piece of blue ass, you aren't going to be the new Pikachu.

No matter how hard you try, from being Pikachu but with round ears, a ball on your tail, and blue colors, you will never be Pikachu to me. And Azumarill will never be Raichu. And, Azurill won't ever even be Pichu.

Because Pichu was at least in Smash Bros, whereas Azurill is the kind of crap I'd find in a public restroom and feel good about flushing it, ridding the world of its stench.

So you go ahead and cry, Azurill. You go ahead and cry, cry me a river.


Too bad you're not a Water-type.


Overall: 1/10

No. 297: Hariyama

Isn't Sumo just a bunch of fat, sweaty guys lunging awkwardly at each other for about 5 seconds and then calling it a day?

First thing that comes to my mind when I see Hariyama: bitch slaps. Those hands look like they should be able to dole out some bitchin' pimp slaps. Or perhaps some pimpin' bitch slaps. Is there a difference?

Also, it shows how Japan thinks of Sumo wrestling, of which Hariyama is obviously inspired. They think it is all about open-hand palm thrusts/slaps, as seen in E. Honda's moveset. Notice that whenever Sumo gets parodied in anime or anything, they always do a bunch of slaps and stuff. We think of it as, you know, wrestling, and expect throwing and grappling of a sort. Both of these are present in the sport, but it's interesting how different cultures focus on different attributes.

as for the Pokemon himself, I don't like how he isn't a bag of some sort like Makuhita. His over sized hands are also honestly goofy. I don't know what I expected a sumo Pokemon to look like, but it wasn't this.


Overall: 5/10

No. 296: Makuhita

black n yellow black n yellow

URG. Circles on the cheeks why? They just distract, in my opinion. It makes it look like he's trying to be Pikachu or something.

Otherwise, I like it. Makuhita is literally 10 pounds of ass-kicking in a 5 pound sack. See that little knot on top? Yeah, he's a big burlap sack, probably filled with muscle and mashed potatoes.

However, I think his stats are a missed opportunity. He's got lots of health, and a higher attack than defense. I would've liked to see a defensively-oriented Fighting type. Tons of health, lots of defense, and a respectable but not amazing attack. Could'a been neat.


Overall: 8/10

No. 295: Exploud

I AM THE QUIETEST MOUSE. I LIVE IN THE QUIETEST HOUSE.

I wish Exploud was a Fire type or something. So that when he got angry, he could shoot steam out of all his pipes like PHSOOOOOOPH and stuff.

Or maybe when he tenses his muscles before punching someone in the frigging face, his shoulder pipe goes all PSHHT and emits a little puff of steam.

Anyway, I really like Exploud's design. He reminds me of a pipe organ. He also looks like something out of Monster Hunter. If his mouth was closed, I think he's be a straight-up, undeniable badass. Not to say he doesn't rock right now, but that open mouth is a little too goofy. It sticks with his theme, I know, but... I guess I wish he had a different theme? Like I said earlier?

Man, he's got a cool design with all those vents and stuff, but the giant mouth and the fact that he's still a lame Normal type ruin it a tiny bit.


Overall: 9/10

No. 294: Loudred

get a load of this horse's ass

I knew a couple kids who were all nice and quiet in elementary school, but when I saw them again in high school, they were loud, foul-mouthed jerks.

Except, I like Loudred much more than Whismur. Loudred has boombox speakers for ears, and is apparently shouting at the top of his lungs all the time. He really doesn't look a thing like Whismur, which in a way makes sense, because they act completely different, but it's also stupid, because the whole point of Pokemon evolving is seeing the cute little monster you love turn into this big, badass engine of destruction.

I mean, I don't like Whismur, a fact I will state any number of times, but it must've been kinda rough for the people who did. They expected a bigger, softer, cuter lump, but instead got this rude ass.

which is actually hilarious. Eat shit, people who like Whismur.


Overall: 6/10

No. 293: Whismur

a "daily" blog that averages less than half an update per day? Must be Not all Pokemon are Created Equal!

Whismur is the kind of pink shit that really grinds my gears. It doesn't even have eyes, for godssake. It's the first in a series of "noise" gimmick Pokemon, which will all prove to be shitty and wastes of time. Well, most of them.

Because "noise" isn't a type. It's just a regular Normal move that somehow has an added feature of being noisy. This means that there are some Pokemon who are Soundproof, meaning it just doesn't frigging work on them, and also all "noise" moves wake up sleeping Pokemon, something that is widely regarded as "a stupid thing to do, you jackass."

and it's not like the moves are any better! They're just kind there. You could do better with other Normal STAB moves, but of course you'd still have a Normal-type on your hands, and I honestly have no idea why you'd want that. Masochistic, maybe?

in any case, Whismur has eyes like a clown caricature, a mouth that rightly looks like it's going to burst into tears, and an uncomfortable amount of orifices on its body.

"Whismur appears to have three holes, one beneath each of its ears and one on its tail." ~Bulbapedia


Overall: 1/10

No. 292: Shedinja

And they said all creativity was gone from Pokemon by the third gen...

Shedinja is just so neat, you guys, I love it. First, he doesn't really evolve. You have to evolve a Nincada, and have a spare pokeball, and he just kinda shows up there. Where'd he come from? Is he the shed skin of the Nincada, possessed by a ghost? I think so. How creepy would that be, to be on a team with the possessed shell of your former self? I think that would be a solid 9/10 on the Creep-o-meter.

Shedinja also has, hands-down, the best ability in the game. If its not super-effective, he just doesn't take damage. Like a boss. Only having 1 hp almost makes this worthless, because he does have quite a few weaknesses, and only one hit from literally anything effective kills him, but I love to take out anything that can threaten him on my opponent's team, and then just send him in to Shadow Ball them to death. Sorry, Garchomp. Sorry, Gyarados. You just don't happen to have any moves that can do jack shit to my Shedinja.

He's creepy, he's unique, he has a neat design, and he's a Bug/Ghost type. How could I not love him?


Overall: 10/10

No. 291: Ninjask

Ask a Ninja used to be the shit...

Ninjask is kinda cool, and I like his color scheme. Black and gold always looks badass. I wish his claws were more like knives, though, that would just up the badassery exponentially.

Also, it is very worth noting that Ninjask is nearly the fastest Pokemon in the world. He's second only to Deoxys' Speed Form, which is perfectly understandable.

but holy shit, is Ninjask fast. It's too bad that he kinda sucks in other ways, like being a overused type and not even learning any Flying moves, but MAN. 160 base speed, don't even play.


Overall: 6/10

No. 290: Nincada

file under "F" for "forgettable"

I don't know shit about cicadas, except that they buzz around and make tons of noise and grind their filthy bodies against your screen, and they also fly. Do they metamorphose? I realize and accept my ignorance in the field of cicada-ology, and I don't care to know any more.

So I might be wrong when I say this, but I don't think cicadas have anything to do with burrowing in the ground. Yet, Nincada is Bug/Ground and looks like a burrowing thing.

I don't know where they were going on this one, but I don't care enough to find out. Don't even bother correcting me, telling me bullshit like "cicadas make little homes in dirt and keep their eggs there" because I will just ignore it. Cicadas buzz and grind, that's all I need to know.


Overall: 2/10

No. 289: Slaking

hey, grab your old man another Bud, will ya?

Now this guy, this guy is a classy guy. He only moves every other turn, like Slakoth, but he's got the power to almost justify it. He's like that one super powerful dude who takes it easy on the heroes, because if he was using his full strength he'd just obliterate them without blinking.

But, I feel like the sloth theme kinda got left behind. Slaking looks like some sort of gorilla, he has monkey hands, not two-fingered sloth hands. Where's my giant sloth Pokemon?

In any case, Slaking is a frigging boss, and the fact that he's sometimes pictured picking his nose just makes him even more awesome.



Overall: 8/10