No. 402: Kricketune

I feel like the whole "cricket" idea has been completely left by the wayside at this point

What a random, messy design. It has antennae that looks like its arms, an awkwardly placed nose and mustache (which used to be antennae?) a bunch of things going on with its pattern that I don't care about, and and overall body shape of a gourd.

Bugs shouldn't look like gourds.

Also, it has a needlessly terrifying cry.

Seriously, Kricketune just looks lame. I kind of want a bug with a mustache to be awesome, but I just can't bring myself to pretend Kricketune is anything but a mess.


Overall: 2/10

No. 401: Kricketot

I think I used to read Cricket magazine when I was a little kid.

So, this guy is supposed to be a cricket, right? Are those red? Do they have round horns? I know they have long antennae, but I don't think Kricketot looks a damn thing like a cricket.

Which doesn't have to be a bad thing, he's just a little ol' bug is all, being vaguely music-themed. I guess he's wearing like a musician's jacket or something? Maybe?

I guess I don't really hate him at all, but he's fairly generic. And doesn't do anything with the music theme. It also doesn't learn shit for moves. So, it's kinda useless and lame, but not outright offensive.


Overall: 3/10

No. 400: Bibarel

you can pretend Bibarel is looking up at this sentence if you want

Firstly, let's give some credit: There has never been a beaver Pokemon before, so Bibarel has at least one iota of creativity.

The rest, however, is shit. We've got a random band around the tail, because this is Sinnoh, and we can't let a solid block of color exist for very long without slapping some pointless color on it. Then there's just something about the face, especially the area around the eyes, that pisses me off. I want to punch it. Bibarel has a punchable face.

Finally, there's the fact that this is the goddamn evolution of Bidoof, which makes it about as important as the points on Who's Line is it Anyway. The Water sub-type makes sense, I guess, but it just feels weird. If you're planning on using Bibarel as the Water-type on your team, then you have more issues than his mediocre stats.

also, I want to take a crack at the idiots who write the Name Origin section of Bulbapedia. "Its name comes from beaver or the German-language word for the animal, Biber, and barrel. It could also refer to bib, which is similar to the pattern on Bibarel's front, or a transliteration of ビーバー biibaa, beaver, in Japanese." That's what it says about Bibarel's name, which I think is giving a lot more credit to Nintendo USA for coming up with the name than they deserve, especially since it goes on to state that "Beadaru is derived from the English word beaver and 樽 taru, barrel."

See, the Japanese name is Biidaru, or Bea(ver)-barrel. The English name? Bibarel, or Bea(ver)-bar(r)el. Holy Moly, how did they ever come up with such a witty name? I think I'm going to have a heart attack and die of wittiness.


Overall: 2/10

No. 399: Bidoof

I don't know why anyone even pretended to think this guy was awesome, even ironically.

Bidoof is like a poor man's Zigzagoon. And since Zigzagoon is already a poor man's Sentret, that makes Bidoof something for the absolutely fucking destitute.

Seriously, Bidoof can go drown in a fire. It's annoying to look at, and has a horribly goofy name. "Bidoof", isn't that the sound you make when you throw up a little in your mouth?

And don't give me any shit about "oh, they tried to make him dumb on purpose, he's adorkable!" because I will slap you in the face. Being awkward and ugly and lame isn't adorable at all, it's revolting. It's like when everyone decided Pugs were cute because they watched Men in Black II, or that Chihuahuas weren't rats because they saw the Taco Bell commercials.

I don't even know what I'm angry at anymore, but I'm blaming Bidoof. Shit.


Overall: 1/10

No. 398: Staraptor

get a load of THIS hornses ass

oooooooh boooooooy. You guys, I don't know how I can possibly make this believable, after the drubbings I just gave Starly and Staravia, but Staraptor, against all odds, manages to be even worse.

First, we can note how he really doesn't look that different at all from Staravia, a cardinal sin for a supposedly grown-ass Pokemon. Then, there's the whole "Normal/Flying" thing, but my doctor's told me to try and not talk about it anymore, because it sends me into epileptic fits.

So let's move on to the true culprit of this monstrosity: That damned emo head-crest thingie. god DAMN does that thing look awful. I've never thought the real-life trend of having a single spike of hair dramatically falling down over your face was a good idea, and coloring the tip doesn't help. But putting that desperate cry for attention, that obvious cry of "look at me, I'm unique!!", on a Pokemon, now that's such an affront to common decency that I have to cringe.

And the worst part? Somewhere out there, there's a kid who thinks Staraptor is all kinds of badass.


Overall: 1/10

No. 397: Staravia

Look at me in the eyes and say there's anything positive about this Pokemon.

I dare you, I double-dog dare you.

No?

Smart man.


Staravia is a jumble of monochrome shit and piss. That little curl on his head, all the complicated patterns, the random black tip of the beak, it's all awful and terrible and pointless. While Starly is shitty on principle, Staravia manages to be shitty for multiple reasons.


Overall: 1/10

No. 396: Starly

hey, boys and girls!

What do I think about Starly? Let's all say it together now - "FEATHERED FLYING ASSHOLE!!"

Yes, that's right! Starly is a miserable little puke who should be dragged out into the street and shot! What even kind of bird is it? It certainly isn't anything I recognize, or give a damn about!

You'd think after Pidgey, Spearow, Farfetch'd, Doduo, Hoothoot, Togetic, Taillow, and Swablu, we would have enough crappy Normal/Flying types, but I guess Gamefreak spends more time sniffing paint thinner and injecting horse tranquilizers into their forearms than they do making decent Pokemon! At least when they were developing Diamond and Pearl

Ha Ha! The fun we have, here at NAPACE!


Overall: 1/10

No. 395: Empoleon

gettin regal all up in this bitch

Well, as promised, I'm slightly disappointed that Empoleon isn't sporting an awesome suit. Instead, he's got some stupid cravat, or whatever that thing is.

But besides that, Empoleon is looking pretty legit. Water-Steel is a unique type, and though at first I was all "shouldn't a penguin be at least part ice?" I realized that Water-Ice is overplayed as balls, and a penguin with razor-sharp fins is the sort of crazed fever-dream that could only be the best friend of a small child in the Pokemon universe.

Plus, that crown is a sure sign of Big Pimping.

But the best part is Empoleon's gaze. You can tell he's a stone cold killer of a monarch, who would sacrifice his own son for the sake of his crown. You gotta make those tough calls when you've got an entire nation to run.


Overall: 9/10

No. 394: Prinplup

why do these guys have names that sound like the sound a puddle makes

I had some big long boring thing written here, but I decided that it all added up to "Prinplup is okay and stuff, but boring", so keep that in mind, but let's move onto more surreal, interesting things.

Piplup had two little white "buttons", making it look a little like it was wearing Mickey Mouse pants. Which, come to think of it, are pretty weird. Who the hell has buttons on the front of their pants, unless it's a part of the zipper? Anyway, Prinplup has the beginnings of a double-breasted suit going. Which I like, I like it a lot. Suits are badass, and I wear one whenever I have the opportunity.

And, without glancing at Empoleon for tomorrow's update, I can't remember if it continues that trend or not. I can't remember on my own. I really hope it does, because a boss penguin with a double-breasted suit on it is suddenly the best thing I can think of. I'm imagining a bunch of penguins in gangster outfits, sneering and slouching, with one of those big fat ones with the eyebrows sitting behind a desk. Holy shit, with all the penguin movies that came out in the early 2000's, how did this movie not happen. They already wear tuxedos, how much of a stretch is that to pinstripes?

anyway if Empoleon doesn't look at least a little like Al Capone or Marlon Brando, I'm going to be kinda disappointed.


Overall: 6/10

No. 393: Piplup

My mom named hers "Popple", so I always think that's it's actual name.

Penguins are great, and it's a great concept for the Water starter. I wonder if they couldn't have slimmed things down a bit (why is there a light blue patch above the beak? was that really necessary?) but I guess they wanted to make it look like it was wearing a cape. Or a hoodie, or something adorable with a hood and a cape or something I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.

Japan apparently loves Piplup, and it certainly is cute. Forget that nonsense about the hoodie, that was stupid. I would go up there and delete my ramblings, but I don't have anything to say otherwise. But I think I'm going to go on record here and say that Piplup is in my top 5 favorite fictional penguins of all time.


Overall: 8/10

No. 392: Infernape

Did someone call for a Firefighter?

Well, you've got one, you sick son of a bitch. Are you happy now? Two Fire/Fighting starters in a row, that's a one too many. I mean, it's still a strong combination, but I'd like to see some other typing. Like Grass/Ground on Torterra, that's unique. Or what Empoleon will be bringing to the table. I guess I don't honestly thing a flaming monkey shouldn't be Fire/Fighting, I just think maybe they should've tried for a different theme?

As for Infernape himself, well, he's got a lot going on. Red, white, blue, yellow, and brown. That's like, twice as many colors as a good, simple design should have. On the other hand, his "Journey to the West"-inspired design is cool, and the flames just coming out of his head is a nice touch.

But you know what? That isn't a good Pokemon design, it's a good Digimon design. This is Flamemonkeymon, right here. Again, a problem a lot of 4th Gen Pokemon have. They don't look like animals anymore, they look like battle animal demon spirits and stuff. I don't know, maybe the definition of "what a Pokemon should look like" has changed over the years, but for me, I like the aesthetic of the early generations the best. So, since it's my goddamn blog, I'm going to judge the hell out of these guys.

Infernape, you are cool, but holy SHIT your design is busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.


Overall: 7/10

No. 391: Monferno

Now were're getting a little warmer.

"Warmer" in the sense of "not sucky", that is.

Monferno actually looks a little badassed, I'm not going to lie. He's got a long tail with flames on the end, which kinda copies Charmeleon, but I'm not going to complain. Hell, Magmar does it too. It's just a good thing to do, if you're a Fire Pokemon.

The way the arms taper outwards to the fingers makes the hands a lot less creepy than Chimar's, and overall everything just looks more solid and balanced. I kinda like the different colors on the face, like a baboon or something.

The only thing I don't like here is the gold bands on his arms. This is a problem we'll see a lot in this generation, random ass bands and spots and shit on things that didn't need them. Just - just learn to leave a design alone, okay, Gamefreak?


Overall: 8/10

No. 390: Chimchar

Man, the Fire starter is always the best choice, right?

Apparently, no. Chimchar is a stupid little monkey with his ass on fire. Charmander has a flaming tail, Cyndaquil has a flaming back, Blaziken has flaming wrists, and this guy has a flaming ass. Holy shit, do I not want.

He's not particularly cute, unless you thought that thing the little girl adopted in the Lost in Space movie was cute. He's not cool in the least. And he looks like he has too many fingers.

Chimchar is lame and goofy and did I mention he has flames on his ass.


Overall: 2/10

No. 389: Torterra

How many dudes do you know who carry a garden on their back?

That's right, none. And Torterra carries a frikken zen garden on his back, like it ain't no thing. It's great. I want to have a Torterra, and then build a little fort on his back, so that he can just walk around and I can live up there. It would be great.

Torterra also kicks ass because he learns Earthquake at an early age, and really only has to fear Ice and Flying types, because he's also weak to Bug (but you'll never meet any competent Bugs) and Fire, but he can just slam those dudes with some sick-ass Ground moves.

He's easily the best fully-evolved Grass starter. And I still can't get over how awesome it is that he has a garden and shit on his back, like some sort of badass world-supporting myth turtle. I just love the guy, okay?


Overall: 10/10

No. 388: Grotle

saying his name out loud makes me feel dirty

Grotle is alright. He's got some bushes on his back, cool, he's bigger and more like an Ankylosaurus, that's neat.

Well, "cool" and "neat" in the sense of "yeah that is a thing I guess". Overall, Grotle is boring. But that's the problem all middle-evolutions have, so I won't be too hard on him. He's just going through some growing pains.


Overall: 5/10

No. 387: Turtwig

Kickin' the 4th Generation off with a bang, here's another turtle Starter!

But he's quite different from Squirtle. For one thing, he's a Grass-type. Also, Turtwig goes on all fours, which makes his silhouette immediately different. But the tiny sapling growing out of his head doesn't hurt, either.

He's pretty cute, and I like his color scheme. Green, yellow, browns, they all flow together and make sense.

Turtwig isn't nearly as unique or cool as some of the earlier starters, but he's still acceptable. My personal favorite for this Generation.


Overall: 7/10

The worst Gen 3 Pokemon

I know I just said yesterday that this gen had some great Pokes, but hoo boy, did it also have some bad ones. In fact, there were so many 1/10's, I'm expanding my list to the bottom 10. Suck it, Gen 3.

10. Gulpin
9. Huntail
8. Seviper
7. Minun
6. Cascoon
5. Sceptile
4. Azurill
3. Luvdisc
2. Wynaut
1. Feebass

Let's see, 3 useless redundant Water-types, 2 overdesigned eyesores, 2 annoying blue pieces of shit, 2 shameless rehashes, and a disgusting emoticon-faced gallbladder. Jesus Chrysler, no wonder people hate on the 3rd Gen. Special shout-out to Sceptile for disappointing me so thoroughly on my first playthrough, and Feebass for putting the "ass" in "I am a big fat ass of a Pokemon and my name is Feebass".


anyway, what Hoenn Pokemon do you (no doubt sexy and intelligent) men or women hate?

The best Gen 3 Pokemon

Though a lot of people claim Pokemon started to suck after Gold and Silver, they obviously don't know about the awesome Pokemon that came out of this gen. Check it out, the top 10 from the 3rd Gen:

1. Blazekin
2. Cacturne
3. Metagross
4. Shiftry
5. Deoxys
6. Shedinja
7. Duskull
8. Sableye
9. Sharpedo
10. Gardevoir

However, let's look at the cumulative ranking of my very favorites:

1. Haunter
2. Heracross
3. Scyther
4. Machamp
5. Blazekin
6. Pinsir
7. Cacturne
8. Typhlosion
9. Blastoise
10. Metagross

I'll be honest, you guys, I don't see that top 3 changing any time soon. Especially not with the fourth generation up next...

Anyway, how about you dudes/ladies? Who are you favorites from the 3rd Generation?

3rd Gen Summary

Three generations reviewed, two more to go. Hopefully I will be able to update like I have been recently, instead of the ridiculously slow pace of earlier this year.

At any rate, you're here to find out how the 3rd Generation rated, right? Well, it averages out to a surprisingly high 6.1 / 10. For comparison, gen 1 got 6.2, and gen 2 got 5.8. I know, I'm a little surprised, too.

But I guess, despite all the lame water-types, and the stupid rehashed bugs, there were a lot of stars, this gen. All the Dark sub-type dudes, and then the Legendaries were of generally above-average quality.

As for the games themselves, I know that they are better mechanically than the GBC games, but all that surfing is a little annoying. Couldn't there have been some giant bridges? Some good things were added, like diving, but some things were lost, like the (sorely underutilized) day/night system. I'm looking forward to the eventual remake.


Anyway, that means that so far, all the Pokemon average to an even 6.0/10, which doesn't make much sense actually, because for a 0-10 scale to work, the average quality should be 5/10. So I don't know what this means. Some Best/Worst Pokemon coming up, and then I'll start on the 4th Generation early next week.

No. 386: Deoxys

GATTACA was a good movie

I think Deoxys might be one of my favorite legendaries ever. I love his simple color scheme, and the way his arms are double-helixes. Also, he comes from the stars, which further cements the theory of "Pokemon are from space".

Also, this Formal Form (which I refuse to write "forme" because I'm not Eurotrash) can make his tentacles into solid arms, so that they can punch things and hold babies and stuff. Cool.


The Attack Form is even more Speed and Attack-oriented, with paper-thin defenses. I like how it turned all pointy, to represent the offensive focus. Also, charging up an energy attack in the middle, and then throwing it will all 4 arms is badass.


Defense Form looks like it sounds: slow, with great Defense. The arms got flat, and can be used as shields, and the head now resembled the Juggernaut's helmet, bitch.


Now, the Speed Form is pointless. Sure, it looks fast, and super slimmed down, but what's the point? Attack Form is already fast enough, and stronger, too. Speed Form is redundant, and messes up the Defense Normal Attack (DNA) theme.

Finally, let me say how much I love the Destiny Deoxys movie: I love it a lot. A lot.


Overall: 10/10

No. 385: Jirachi

When you wish / upon a star...

Mew is cute and tiny, and is awesome. Celebi tried to be cute and tiny, and failed. Now it's Jirachi's turn. Does it succeed?

Well, it does have a striking design. Head shaped like a star, trailing bits, and 3 tags on its points. Reminds me of a Japanese shrine maiden, a little bit. The typing, Steel/Psychic, seems a little random, but I'm not complaining. Then there's the fact that it has a signature move called Doom Desire, which is more than a little threatening.

Maybe that's what Jirachi does, it lures you in, and then

OH GOD WHAT IS THAT

IT HAS AN EYE ON ITS CHEST HOLY SHIT WHO WOULD EVEN PUT THAT THERE

ONLY THE DEAD CAN KNOW PEACE FROM THIS EVIL


Overall: 7/10

No. 384: Rayquaza

Ray "The only good Ruby/Sapphire Legendary" Quaza

Well, that's a little harsh. Some of the others manage to be above average. But none of them have the same fierce swagger as Rayquaza. I don't even have to tell you how awesome his shiny sprite is, because you already know it. And if you don't, then you don't deserve to know. I'm not gonna tell you.

But why does Rayquaza kick ass? Again, it should be pretty obvious: he's a frikken' flying snake dragon. The carvings that look a bit out of place on Groudon and Kyogre work fine on his Aztec-inspired design. Also, the dude's habitat is the entire freaking stratosphere, and he gets pissed when anyone messes with it. Even Deoxys gets his shit handed to him by Rayquaza, as we saw in one of the movies.

Now, when I went to capture the big green, I got extremely lucky. How lucky, you ask? Glalie uses Ice Beam as an opening move. I just want to deal big damage, before whittling the hp away. I get a critical, leaving Rayquaza with like 2% health. And then, miracle of miracles, he gets frozen as well. Holy piss, did I throw the hell out of those few ultra balls.


Overall: 10/10

No. 383: Groudon

one heavy mother - watch your mouth!

The main mascot of Ruby version, Groudon's design is busy as shit. Spikes everywhere, plated armor, a tail that looks like heavy farming machinery, and 4 head crests.

Now, I like spikes. Spikes are good. And plate armor is cool, too. But I think maybe, just maybe, there's too much of it all going on? In any case, if Groudon was a tiny little plastic toy, he'd hurt like hell to step on in the dark.

Also, I want to take this opportunity to comment on Team Magma and Team Aqua: they are both idiots. I don't see how Magma thinks that drying up ALL THE WATER IN THE WORLD would be even remotely a good idea, or why Aqua thinks that flooding the world will let them survive at all. Granted, it's been a while since I played the games, so maybe their positions were better explained, but I suspect they were always a bunch of bullshit.


Overall: 5/10

No. 382: Kyogre

I used to pronounce it "ky-roge", because why the hell would a sea beast have "ogre" in its name.

So, confession time. You know how I earlier shat all over people who use legendaries? well...

When I was a young lad, on my very first play through of Sapphire, this is what my team to beat the Elite 4 was: Torkoal (for fire), Hariyama (for fighting), Sableye (for dark), Shedinja (because wonder guard yeah), Castform (for ice), and Kyogre (for water).

Now, aside from using unevolved forms, I don't think it's possible to make a team more ill-suited to actually getting anything frigging done. And my levels were all averaging 40. Hell, Castform was only 35, because grinding is tough, and I just wanted to get it over with.

As you might guess, it ended up being the Kyogre Power Hour, taking out 80% of the Elite 4's Pokemon with Ice Beam and Surf. By the time I beat it, Kyogre had gotten to level 60, while the rest of my team shriveled on the vine. ugh, it's a painful memory.


Anyway, Kyogre. Despite being sort of like a legendary killer whale sea beast, it somehow manages to end up lame. At least with its mouth closed. I think its the hand/wing/flippers, why does it have those? Shouldn't it be more streamlined? It isn't really horrible, just kind of underwhelming.


Overall: 4/10

No. 381: Latios

blue streak speeds by / too fast for the naked eye

And now here's the cool older brother. He has the same good design as Latias, except he's blue, and bigger! And like I said last time, I have zero problems with a pair of sibling legendaries. Actually, wait, I just thought of something. They couldn't do it back then, but now that there's gender differences in Pokemon?

How about if there was just one species, let's use Latios, and Ruby has the female one, and sapphire has the male one, and the gender difference is in the color. It's an extreme difference, as opposed to just "longer tusks" and the like, but wouldn't that be kind of cool? And if you trade and breed them, you get a purple little baby dude! Except then maybe it would be better framed as "legendary lovers", rather than "siblings", because otherwise that would be super-gross.

I've digressed quite a bit, but I guess I'm saying that Latios is cool, and some sort of star-crossed lovers legendaries would be neat for the future.

Overall: 7/10