Pokemon Violet First Thoughts vol. 7

Well, I've done it. Beat all the gyms, all the titans, all the Team Star bosses. Saw each storyline through to its conclusion, defeated the Elite 4, and became Champion (ended up going with a team of Palafin, Glimmora, Toedscruel, Ceruledge, Gholdengo, and Annihilape). Then, I ventured into Area Zero to finish the endgame, unlocked Miraidon's full potential, and saw the credits.

It took me 96 hours, mostly because I made sure to fill out the Pokedex as much as possible along the way - I pushed it to 364, just need the rest of the Area Zero 'mons and some trades from Scarlet, but I got everything else I could find naturally in-game. Which was interesting, because I found myself not having to train up low-level Pokemon just to get their evolution. Instead, I mostly caught their next stages in the wild. Even for Pseudo-legendaries, Stone evolutions, and Eeveelutions! Usually, the games aren't like this.

but... wow, where do I start? I want to give my immediate impression now, because by the time I finish reviewing this generation's Pokemon it will be 4 months later (oh, who am I kidding. 9 months later) and the memories will have faded. But just be aware, when that day does come, I reserve the right to completely flip my opinion. What are you gonna do about it? It's my blog!

Long post to follow, so hit the link for my full review:

Pokemon Violet First Thoughts vol. 6

 I realize I haven't been keeping you updated on my team, but that's because I don't even know what my team is, myself! There's like 15-ish peeps I want to use, and I've raised all the contenders up to level 50 so that I can compare stats and fix their natures.

Oh yeah, you can just buy nature mints in this game! As well as vitamins, all before even finishing the 8th gym. Finally, a good way to spend all that money you inevitably end up with, thanks to picking up treasures all over the place. And I picked up a fair number of mints, vitamins, and feathers, too.

anyway, here's the Pokemon I'm considering (as usual, I only want to use new-gen Pokes):

• Muchacho the Skeledirge
• Crossbones the Clodsire
• Edge.exe the Ceruledge
• Mindy the Tinkaton
• Shadowfall the Lokix
• Sgt. Peppers the Scovillain
• Thunderbird the Kilowattrel
• Minos the Paldean Tauros
• Nefertari the Espathra
• Jewel the Rabsca
• H.G. Wells the Toedscruel
• Unchained the Annihilape
• Neo-Spacian the Palafin
• Spooky the Glimmora

Additionally, I have a Pawniard who will eventually become a Kingambit, and an Arctibax who has one more evolution to go. But while I did look up the evolution methods & levels for everybody, I haven't really seen the designs yet. They seem strong, but if I don't jive with your design, you gotta hit the bricks. That's what happened to my Pawmot, who held it down for most of the early-game as a valuable Electric/Fighting type. Your services were appreciated, RIB (Rest In Box).

by the way, it's worth mentioning that I've raised up all these guys without much undue effort. Really, it's a side-effect of there being TOO much exp going around - even with wild encounters being more optional than ever! But it was like this in SwSh, where I ended up with 2 distinct teams that I swapped members between, and got all 12 of them Championship ribbons. Maybe I'll have 3 teams, this time around? I know some people complain about the Exp Share, but if you end up over-leveling that's just your hint to start trying out more Pokemon. It encourages catching and raising more than just 6, and I appreciate that. 

Pokemon Violet First Thoughts vol. 5

Okay, so I honestly didn't expect the lake to be the Endgame Area. Tried to go there first, but level 50 was a big step up from the high 30s where my team was at. Turns out you're supposed to do the mountain first! I also went back to the Psychic gym in the South, which is disappointingly the only example of Moorish architecture in the game.

In fact, hardly anything about this game seems representative of Spain. Yeah there's the Sagrada Familia, (transplanted from Barcelona to Madrid) and the Four Towers (transplanted from Madrid to Valencia) but that's about it for famous landmarks. There's no Alhambra, no Alcazars, no Mezquita... but maybe Gamefreak didn't want to risk stepping on any toes by including ersatz versions of these Islamic buildings? although they used the Sagrada Familia, a Catholic cathedral, without any qualms.

See, I've traveled through Spain, and Paldea just looks like Galar 90% of the time. Which, to be fair, just looked like Kanto 90% of the time. It's nothing new, that Pokemon games are only loosely based on their region. And honestly, I'm fine with that. It's important that we get a forest, a desert, a lake, a mountain, a beach, and some grasslands in every game. They could base the game on Kansas, and still be obligated to shoehorn in the ecological diversity necessary to house a proper region of Pokemon.

But at the same time, I'm kinda disappointed that they didn't take advantage of some of the cool things Spain has - the aforementioned Alhambra of Granada, a wonder of Moorish architecture with beautiful gardens. The Alcazars of Segovia, Seville, or Toledo, classic medieval fortresses. The Mezquita of Cordoba, a mosque so big they built a cathedral inside the mosque; the minarets are so large that horses could be rode up the spiral stairs. And the ruins that dot the Paldean countryside are a poor comparison to the Roman ruins found at Italica or Cartagena, which feature full amphitheaters. 

And then the Iconic Spanish Food of this game: sandwiches. That was the best they could come up with. Skipped right over paella, tapas, and empanadas - all of which could be customized for your little cooking mini-game - and went with a bocadillo. My guess is that they originally wanted to do tacos, but then somebody pointed out that those are Mexican, not Spanish, and then they said "ok how about enchiladas", and found out those are Mexican too, and they realized that nobody knew what actual freaking Spaniards eat, so they panicked and went with "sandwiches".

See, this is the same studio who thought Malasadas were THE standout food of Hawai'i. Yeah, forget about saimin, moco loco, kalua pig, poke bowls, spam musubi... I'm surprised they didn't go for the plate lunch, because it resembles a bento box (at least philosophically). Meanwhile, curry was chosen for England, because Japan also loves curry! Nevermind that English curry is just imported Indian curry, and a different style than Japanese curry. They saw one food item they recognized and clutched on to it for dear life. I would have gone with one of the UK's many savory pastries - a pork pie, Cornish pasty, beef wellington, etc. Fish and chips, or a spin on the Proper English Breakfast, might have worked as well.

The point is (now that I've made myself hungry), Gamefreak sends a few people to a foreign country to take pictures and try the food, and they report back with a half-baked understanding, upon which they cram those typical environmental features that they have to put in every game. Someone comes up with a few cheeky Pokemon that reference the region. They give the buildings a light dusting of regional flair. And that's about it. It just stings more when it's some place you're familiar with, I suppose.

Of course, I was only a visitor. Any native Spaniards are more than welcome to sound off about how well Gamefreak butchered/paid tribute to your homeland.

Pokemon Violet First Thoughts vol. 4

so I'm 45 hours into the game and have 220 in my Pokedex. I'm at 10/18 badges. I'm sure other people have already blitzed to the end by now, and probably even 100%'d the whole thing because they don't have any other obligations. But I'm still taking my time to thoroughly explore every area, capturing everything I can along the way. Forget B teams, I've got C and D teams because I keep wanting to avoid over-leveling my party.

As for the going in blind thing... yeah, I don't think I'll bother doing this again in the future. It was slightly fun to be surprised by my starter's final form, and I'm lucky it's pretty cool. But then I was shocked when Capsakid evolved into Scovillain, one of the pug-ugliest Pokemon I've ever seen. Made me almost wish I never bothered, except Grass/Fire is still a hype combo...

Also, I realized I appreciate knowing what level guys will evolve at! That gives me mini-goals to work towards, instead of leveling with a vague hope that they'll pop soon. Or the frustration leading me to look up exactly how somebody evolves, only to find out it was a stone the whole time. Or, disappointment in missing out entirely - turns out there's an evolution after Primeape that I would have never seen, and certainly wouldn't have figured out his evolution method on my own.

I never woulda figured that stuff out on my own, and only gotten frustrated! So while it was cool that twice my guys evolved right after a gym battle (without my preparation), as if the battle truly let them unlock their full potential, I kinda wish I'd known the threshold so I could have just bumped them up beforehand. And don't get me started on moveset planning, and wanting to avoid wasting TMs (even though they're practically infinite, I still don't want to waste 'em!).

I've still got a ton of game to go, but at this point I think my little experiment has proven that, for me, playing blind isn't the way to go.

Pokemon Violet First Thoughts vol. 3

doubled-back to explore the Western side of the map, and... this shit don't scale. Why don't the levels scale. At least for the gym leaders, it would be so easy to implement. But now I'm realizing I was probably supposed to come here first? Oh well, it's an opportunity to swap out my main team and raise up a B-team. The way exp works, it's really not worth shitting on level 12s with your level 25.

Also, I discovered that you can jump up steep slopes, as long as you go backwards. Skyrim horse physics, everyone! I assume I'll get some Rock Climb ability later, but for now this will do. Honestly, it made exploration even more fun.

The un-fun part, though, is how many goddamn tiny-ass Pokemon there are in this game. Can't hardly see the little pricks when I'm hauling ass across the countryside in my 1,200 pound Poke-motorcycle, but if one tiny Smolive gets in my way, instead of squashing the bitch flat, Miraidon comes screeching to a halt so we can engage in battle. I should be able to run them over and just gain exp, like when you send your Pokemon out on auto-battle.

Another thing starting to bug me is how, whenever there's an NPC standing next to a Pokemon, even if you look directly at the person, half the time the game will go "oh, you want to talk to their Pokemon? Ok, here we go!" *Pokemon squeaks, slowly turns around to face you, then chirps again* Wow thank you so much for your input, truly illuminating, now can you please shut up and let me talk to your trainer? I need to hear them tell me some bullshit about how cool sandwiches are or something.

But getting back to the levels, I also discovered a way to get to a secret cave and gym where everyone's 15 levels higher than me. So I'll come back later. It's mildly thrilling to realize you stepped into the wrong neighborhood and you're out of your league in an RPG like this, but at the same time... is it really fun? You either go "oops, my mistake" and turn around, or grind like hell to make up the difference, thus ruining the power curve for the rest of the game. Dashing around to grab high-end items before you're supposed to is cool, though.

Pokemon Violet First Thoughts vol. 2

 so, uh, the pace did not pick up.

I spent just as much time exploring every inch of this rocky region to the East of the school as I did the Southern grounds, and then even more when I was able to double-back and get the rest of the Eastern grasslands that were inaccessible from the starting side. And everywhere I went, I found swathes of new Pokemon. I've been catching 'em all, my Pokedex has almost 100 entries. And I've only done the first gym!

I've also done the first Titan, and the first Team Boss, and I was over-leveled for all of them because I spent so much time combing their areas beforehand. Well, Team Star's Mela gave me some trouble, but I was able to win thanks to Charcadet's ability to absorb Fire moves.  (btw it was hilarious, the character who showed up to help with Mela's base) I still think Arven is a dweeb who wants to defeat these mutant Pokemon and harvest their magical herbs to make freakin' sandwiches, but I'm curious what's up with him and Miraidon and Prof. Turo. There's some drama there that nobody's telling.. and as for Brassius, it was very silly to run around town with a gang of Sunflora moving at 2 fps.

The graphical issues continue, although I thought the sunset looked striking over the rocky plateaus. Maybe I'm just getting used to the jank. Although I was thinking about Legends:Arceus, and that game had some gorgeous skyboxes. And maybe the cel shading just worked better for Pokemon, I'm still not sold on how... plastic everything looks. Wasn't a fan of that art direction for the latest Pokemon Snap, either.

meanwhile, I'm starting to find brand-new Pokemon - like Lowkix the ninja grasshopper, Tinkatink the living Troll doll, and a region Fighting-type Tauros who is simply all-black. My Fuecoco evolved, and he's got a little flaming sombrero, which rocks. But most importantly, as hinted at earlier, I found a Charcadet. Who seems to be the pre-evolution to Armarouge, which is a bit odd because I thought that was exclusive to Scarlet? Or did I misunderstand, and they did a color-swap thingie and Ceruledge is the Scarlet exclusive? Cuz that's the one I really want, but Armarouge is cool too. Maybe it's a split evolution? idk... this is the sort of thing I wouldn't have to worry about if I wasn't playing blind!

Pokemon Violet First Thoughts vol. 1

First off, everything you've seen online about the performance and buggy graphics is true. Aside from the poor framerate, pop-in, and low resolution textures, this game has issues. I've walked through a door before sliding backwards to perform the opening animation, had shadows rapidly flash on-and-off, and seen a wall texture melt like a Salvador Dali painting. What's wild is that I don't remember things like this at all in Legends: Arceus. What happened!?

As for the game itself, it feels less like an evolution of LA and more like an evolution of the Wild Area from SwSh. You can sneak around, but there's no point. Locking on to a target is finicky, and it'll always start a battle anyway, so you may as well just run into Pokemon. The battles are of the traditional style, with a ton of menu pop-ups just to enter and finish a fight. Catching a Pokemon really slows the pace down, which is unfortunate because there's a TON of Pokemon to catch! like damn they really put a ton of variety so soon into the game! Again, reminding me of the Wild Area.

The environments are well-designed, once you get Miraidon and can really explore. I hope once I get all the upgrades, Miraidon will feel as good to pilot as swapping between all the Ride Pokemon. There's a few places that I don't think I was supposed to be able to access yet, but with persistence and help from the physics engine, I got up there. Just a few items, no major skips.

Then we get to school, and did you know this game has Social Links? you attend classes and then chat up the professors afterwards. Not sure what it's building towards, though. And some of these teachers are really cool, even if their classes are mainly just tutorials for 6-year-olds.

Unfortunately, you seem to be stuck with 4 shitty school uniforms and no other clothing options. Sure, you can put on hats and shoes and all that, but half the color options clash hard with the Violet uniform! Huge step backwards.

A step forwards, however - FOLLOWING POKEMON ARE BACK! I repeat, Pokemon can follow you in this game! you can actually literally choose any Pokemon and they'll follow you along! They finally put it back in a mainline game! but, it's Gamefreak, so of course it wasn't implemented properly - most Pokemon are too slow to actually keep up, so you'll just run along and out-pace them, defeating the entire point. Goddammit. Your Pokemon can pick up items while out like this, but since you'll be running ahead of them, you end up just picking up stuff yourself anyway.

The other new thing is that you can call your Pokemon to auto-pilot attack nearby wild Pokemon. Felt like summoning my Stand, I just point at a group of Hoppip and watch my Fuecoco tear through them. They gain exp and items in the background while you do other things, but you can't really go very far and can't start any battles of your own without interrupting them. Their success is based on level and typing, it ignores that the Pokemon's actual movesets, btw.

Anyway, I've played a lot, but only just got to the part where the game "begins" and I'm sent out on my Treasure Hunt quest to defeat the 8 gym leaders, 5 titans, and 5 Team Star bosses. This pacing reminds me of XY and SwSh, where you can waste a ton of time just getting to the first gym. And like those games, things will probably pick up from here.

Pokemon Scarlet & Violet are here!

And for once, I'm going in blind! Well, I know what Nintendo's officially shown off in their trailers. And I saw a few leaks by accident. But mostly, I have no idea what this Pokedex is gonna look like.

Which is a first, for me. For Gen 1-2, I was familiar with the anime & cards before I played the games. Then from Gen 3-5, I would look up the Pokemon from the Japanese release. And from Gen 6-8, I'd keep my ear to the ground for leaks. The point is, I've always known what to expect from a Pokemon game. And I like it that way - I enjoy planning my team beforehand. And as Sword/Shield proved, it's hard to get excited when I don't have anything to look forward to. But then the game released, and it turned out that Gamefreak only showed off the ugly stupid Pokemon and kept all the cool ones a secret!

But, I know a lot of people prefer to play blind. They say it helps keep things fresh, they enjoy the mystery, the childhood wonder, perhaps. And I've always pooh-poohed that nonsense, largely because I've never had that experience but enjoyed the games anyway.

and yet... this time, the release date kinda snuck up on me. I honestly wasn't even paying attention until last week, and then I decided - hey, I haven't been spoiled yet. I could probably just avoid my usual internet haunts and stay that way. Yeah, I'm not especially hype for the game, but maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised like with Gen 8? And maybe, just maybe, that surprise will be more meaningful if I actually get it in-game instead of browsing somebody's Pokedex leak?

So that's what I'm doing! Picked up the game today and got started. I chose Fuecoco, because without knowing any of the final evolutions of the starters, I figured Fire usually ends up decent. We'll see how it goes.

No. 905: Enamorus

Oh baby. What is going on here.

I've never been a fan of the genies, and while at least Enamorus isn't another palette swap, that doesn't make her any good. There's too much sassy-ass tomfoolery going on in this design, and I refuse to spend another word on it.

Incarnate Form: 1/10

Like all the others, Enamorus also has a Beast Mode, which completes the "Four Cardinal Beasts" quartet that nobody even noticed was going on. It's a Chinese mythology thing, with a Tiger, Phoenix, Dragon, and now - Turtle. Since the others got their Therian Forms all the way back in BW2, a full decade ago, I have to wonder... was Enamorus planned from that long ago, and just never implemented until now? Or was it a coincidence that the others took on the forms of a Tiger, Phoenix, and Dragon, and then somebody said "wait a minute... we can work with this!"

Either way, the end result is a garish pink turtle that not even Barbie would be caught dead with. Yet somehow, still better than the base form.

Therian Form: 2/10

I'm going to be mean and round down the average, because I think this Pokemon is fucking awful.

Overall: 1/10

Hisuian Braviary

Feathery Flying God

Only unlocked once you're almost done with the game, Hisuian Braviary's flight somehow manages to not-quite-trivialize every other mode of Poke-transportation. Which is an achievement of game design, I think! You still need Sneasler to gain significant height. It's still more convenient to use Wyrdeer and Basculegion for short distances. But at the same time, Hisuian Braviary is so useful for scanning the terrain from afar, moving long distances, and getting the hell out of dodge when things get dicey. The way all the mounts flow from one to another as you trigger them feels nice, and it's put to the test wonderfully in that last obstacle course challenge. (we don't talk about Ursaluna here)

As for the Pokemon itself... well, it doesn't disappoint. Unova's Braviary was already a legend, and Hisuian Braviary manages to kick it up a notch. Giant psychic birds with flaming psycho-kinetic crest? Sign me up. This is one of the best Pokemon in the whole region, and even if the old HM system where I needed one to use Fly, I'd make it a mainstay on my team. Which is not something I often say about bird Pokemon!

Overall: 10/10

Hisuian Goodra

Wide Load Comin' Thru

See, now we've got a bit of the opposite problem - Goodra was the only member of its line that truly deserved its Dragon typing, but now it's doubled down on the snail motif to justify its Steel typing. Which I support on one hand, because consistency in evolution is key, but on the other hand... doesn't it look unbalanced? Like it can barely move? Hell, I'd just remove the legs and go Full Snail.

also, what's up with that dripping mucus? It's metallic, cuz it's a Steel-type, I get that. But like... why? Is it dripping mercury? Is this some sort of Metal Slime I should kill for massive EXP? Or did somebody just greyscale Goodra and not care about the implications? idk why green slime is so much more acceptable to me than silver slime, but it just is.

As a result of all of this, I somehow like Hisuian Goodra less than the normal version.

Overall: 6/10

Hisuian Sliggoo

Gary, come home!

I'm going to say it - this is pretty much what Sliggoo should have been like from the start. Instead of a weird soft-shell-snail, just commit to the bit and give my man a nice shell to call his own. Look at him, homie just woke up. He's sleepy!

but I'm also going to say it again - why the fuck is this line Dragon at all? At the very least, it ought to have a Poison or Bug typing in there somewhere, right? Nope, although I'll buy Steel for the shell at least.

still, it's a cute lil' guy, and I like how he rolls around in his shell. An improvement, at the end of the day.

Overall: 7/10

No. 904: Overqwil

no I know where it was now, this is a Donkey Kong Country boss

Overqwil has a cool name, and that's the most positive thing I can say about it. I can't stop thinking about certain toys I would get as a kid, which never stood up because they were sculpted in an action pose, or designed with a weird bottom like this. Always pissed me off, when something only functions as a keychain. I want to stand it up with my other toys!

and in a similar vein, Overqwil pisses me off because of how ridiculous it looks out of the water. The idea of a big floating mine could work, but holy shit why did you have to make the top and bottom spikes so large?

Overall: 1/10

Hisuian Qwilfish

I swear I saw this in a New Super Mario Bros. game

Sometimes, they revisit iconic Pokemon and remix them into cool new regional forms. Other times, they pluck unpopular Pokemon from obscurity and try to rebrand them in the hopes of getting somebody, anybody, to care about them. Hisuian Qwilfish is the latter.

It's Dark/Poison now, and makes a big deal out of being Poisonous with its new signature move Barb Barrage, which is confusing because it was already Water/Poison. being Dark is the new part, but that's not where the emphasis lies?

The coolest thing about Hisuian Qwilfish is that it has the number 9 on its tail, representing the grand total of Qwilfish fans in the entire world.

Overall: 3/10

No. 903: Sneasler

Juri Han energy.

Whereas Weavile expanded upon the Sneasel theme horizontally, Sneasler takes the vertical approach. Fitting, because it's your mountain-climbing workhorse, as you ride in a silly little basket on its back. I didn't expect this to be a very useful mount, but the last few areas of the game are full of steep cliffs, designed with Sneasler in mind. I enjoyed getting my BotW on, clambering up and then jumping into flight with - ah, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Back to Sneasler. It took my advice, and adds a diabolical hot pink color to the mix of purple and grey. Truly the bad bitch of the Pokemon world, Sneasler looks a little bit silly with that massive noggin on that tiny little neck, but it's practically perfect besides that. While I still wouldn't trust one, I don't have a choice, hanging onto its back 600 feet in the air on the side of a mountain.

Overall: 9/10

Hisuian Sneasel

Here Comes Trouble™

Sneasel was an all-timer design. Hisuian Sneasel is also pretty good, mainly because it doesn't change much besides the paint job! And the new one does a better job selling the Poison aspect of its typing better than the old one did its Ice typing. (I'd say both are equally understood as Fighting and Dark)

if I'm allowed to nitpick, and that's literally my entire job at NAPACE, I think the feathers should have been another color besides Also Purple. Just to stand out more. But aside from that, excellent job. I wouldn't trust Hisuian Sneasel further than I could throw it, but I dig the design.

Overall: 9/10

Hisuian Avalugg

God of War type boss fight 

Hey, it's Avalugg! Everybody loves Avalugg, right? Well, would you love Avalugg even more if we made his legs dirty and stuck a snowplow to his face?

...no? you'd still respond with the same indifference you've always shown to Avalugg?

......oh well, I suppose it can't be helped! Hope you enjoy being 4x weak to Fighting and Steel!

Overall: 1/10

Hisuian Zoroark

so they're just running with the body horror, huh

it's gross as hell to see Hisuian Zoroark's raw muscles bulging out of its lacerated flesh, I can't lie. Who asked you to go that far, Gamefreak? Jesus Christ.

but the mass of writhing hair is cool as hell, and totally justifies being bloody instead of ghostly - this isn't a spirit, this is a goddamn zombie corpse.

however, once again the shiny variant may prove superior - using purple instead of red removes most of the horror and just leaves a badass ghost fox demon. Which I think I'd prefer to have in my party, but I can't deny that Hisuian Zoroark absolutely nails the unsettling vibe it's going for.

Overall: 9/10

Hisuian Zorua

Remember how this one was announced via some found-footage style video?

The new typing dramatically boosts the effectiveness of Zorua's gimmick ability - even if it pretends to be something else, as a Dark type, it still had 3 weaknesses. But as a Normal/Ghost, it's got just 1 weakness, and 3 complete immunities.

Now, what's unusual here is the choice of red and white to represent "ghostly spirit energy". Usually, it's blue and white. The resulting pink tendrils make me think of something organic, rather than ephemeral. The shiny is blue, and I think that fits much better.

Overall: 5/10

Hisuian Lilligant

yet another leggy plant broad

I feel like this could have just been Lilligant: Pirouette Forme. Like most of the Hisuian forms, it's just the same typing as the original... but with an added sub-type. In this case, Fighting. idk, I kinda like it when the regional variants are entirely different, like Ice Vulpix and Psychic Articuno and stuff?

regardless, I suppose Hisuian Lilligant is okay. Except the design ideas worked at cross purposes - if it's a graceful ballerina dancer, then it should have thin pointed legs. If it's a kicking fiend, then it needs some real pavement pounders. The compromise has been to design an elegant dancer, except wearing these goofy Peter Pan clogs. 

Actually, this design would have been twice as good if they made it Ice/Fighting and had it be an ice skater instead. With blue leaves instead of green, naturally.

Overall: 5/10

No. 902: Basculegion

Big Mouth Billy Bass

First of all, you need to know that Basculegion comes in two flavors. The above is male, sporting a snazzy red mustache. The one below is female, as you can tell by the eyelashes and lipstick.

Also, on the off chance anyone cares, the Basculin you find in Hisui isn't the territorial Red or Blue striped versions from Unova, but a new White-striped form. Oddly, both male and female Basculin share their coloring with the female Basculegion. Not sure if that means anything.

Anyway, with all that out of the way, Basculegion itself - one of the most morbid Pokedex entries ever. "Clad in the souls of its comrades who perished before finishing the journey upstream to mate." In other words, it's wearing armor made from the souls of dead virgins. Goth.

The design is fine, I guess that's what a ghostly salmon would look like, but mainly it won me over by being so helpful in the game. Being able to jump into the sea or river and instantly start swimming kicks ass, especially because you can double-jump for some reason. Sure, this role gets overshadowed once you get flight near the end of the game, but Basculegion did its role well.

Overall: 6/10

No. 901: Ursaluna

IT'S OVER 900!!!!!!!!! 

Whereas Wyrdeer opens the game up in a big way, Ursaluna just feels redundant. it's an Item Finder on legs, offering no additional mobility. So it won't win any goodwill that way.

And as for the design... I mean, it's a bear with poop on its face. What do you really expect me to say, here? Dude has a turd draped across his nose, I can't see it as anything else. I know I'm supposed to see it as "clouds in front of the moon", but even if that were the case, how freaking coincidental that every single Ursaluna gets the same bits of mud stuck on its forehead at exactly that location. Or if they're eyebrows, then it's doing an eternal Dreamworks smirk.

No, there's not really any good options here. Sorry, dookie-bear. Please don't get near me, I just washed the stink off.

Overall: 1/10

No. 900: Kleavor

when you throw Rock and Scissors at the same time

Look, Kleavor has a tough act to follow. Not only is it competing with Scyther, one of the hardest Pokemon ever created, it has to contend with the other potential evolution in Scizor. And the Scyther vs Scisor debate was already a hot topic!

and I'm sorry to say, that Kleavor falls a distant third here. What the art doesn't communicate is how comically large Kleavor's axes are in its in-game model.

The tiny stick arms and the giant axes make it look unbalanced, which is a shame. The main body is pretty cool, I like the rocks around its face, and a hatchetman Pokemon could totally work. But Kleavor just isn't it.

Honestly, if we didn't have Scyther or Scizor around as a benchmark, I'd probably be higher on Kleavor. But there's no way I'd evolve my Scyther into this stone age bastard except to fill out a Pokedex.

Overall: 6/10

No. 899: Wyrdeer

Yeah, I've been saying for a while that they should make Stantler an Ice-type, we don't have any reindeer Pokemon and -

oh. it's Normal/Psychich, not Ice at all? I guess that's more of a "wise old sage" beard than a "Santa Claus" beard. Well, that's disappointing.

Although, I may have to give points for being a reliable steed during most of Arceus: Legends. The way it handles like an ATV helps to open up the game in a big way, jumping up hills and out-running hostile Pokemon. That's important, because an open-world game like this lives or dies on "is it fun to traverse the environment".

On the other hand, I don't like its jowls. And the horns have gotten too abstracted from the "false eyes" gimmick, now they're like antennae for broadcasting psychic attacks? Actually hold up, that sounds sick. Maybe Wyrdeer might be cool, actually??? But it still feels like a waste when Girafarig already exists in Gen 2 as the Normal/Psychic ungulate. 

Overall: 4/10

Hisuian Electrode

The Orb

nah but this one just looks like dogshit. I was stunlocked by Hisuian Voltorb, but Hisuian Electrode makes me think maybe the whole concept is dumb as hell. Why does it still have a cartoony mouth, but its eyes look like they were carved into the wood?

And if your concept is "ye olde Electrode" then surely the way to go is make them look like those round ninja explosives? It's hype to get the first Grass/Electric type, but I still think that should go for a solar-energy Pokemon, not these woodblock bitches.

overall: 2/10

Hisuian Voltorb

ballz

Before we get to the evaluation, can we unpack something first? Apparently, Pokemon aren't turned into pure energy and stored in Pokeballs as data. No, they're actually literally shrunk down and captured inside. Despite their ability to be stored in the PC and traded via network connection, apparently the canon truth is that there's literal tiny Pokemon sitting in each ball. And the ball itself... teleports?

To make matters worse, this shrinking is actually an inherent ability of the Pokemon, not something done via technology to reduce the space between their atoms or whatever. At least, according to Pokemon Legends: Arceus. That's right, every Pokemon just possesses the ability to shrink itself when in danger, and we exploit that reflex to put them in Pokeballs.

now I don't know about you, but I find that information wildly upsetting and changes basically everything about how I look at these games. What a nightmare.

Speaking of nightmares, it was generally understood that Voltorb is based on the Pokeball, right? It's like a mimic, and that's its camouflage. But then Hisuian Voltorb predates the Pokeball, they're a recent invention and Voltorbs/Electrodes have lived in Hisui for ages already. Which suggests that the Pokeball is actually based on the Voltorb, not the other way around.

This is too much for me, I can't even do a rating right now

Overall: mind blown/10

Hisuian Arcanine

I'll just cut to the chase - this design is almost great, but two things piss me off - the way the smoky parts of its fur are grey instead of black like the stripes, and those little orange bits on its mane.

In this image the tail looks even a different shade than the mane, but they're all the same in-game. Just, why not make them the same so-dark-grey-it-counts-as-black as the stripes? Besides, black/red is a good combo, but grey/red is less striking.

And as for those flecks of red in the mane... I think what gets me is that they aren't outlined like the other fur markings. They seem unfinished. I'd rather leave them out entirely tbh.

Overall: 6/10

Hisuian Growlithe

Growlithe: but with more saturated colors

Hisuian Growlithe is based on those komainu or lion-dog statues that guard Buddhist temples. I think that's where the Rock part of its typing comes in, because there's nothing rocky about a Growlithe with a bad haircut.

ok, fine, it's a cute haircut. And surprisingly, the single horn and Wartortle-esque tail makes it look like an authentic Gen-1 design. I like this guy, I can imagine him running around the room and bumping into table legs and stuff, getting soot all over the damn place, just generally acting like a rascal.

overall: 9/10

Hisuian Decidueye

You'll have to excuse me, I've been battered with Street Fighter news lately and can't think of anything else 

This artwork is very flattering to Hisuian Decidueye, who most of the time just looks like this:

And here's the thing, I get it. Samurai wear straw short-capes over their shoulders, and straw hats low over their eyes. That's cool! But then they also wear long flowing robes, or mighty armor, not just two long-ass legs sitting out and about. The scary thing is that owls are build like this in real life, they just have feathers such that we only think of them as having cute stubby little legs. So watch out for that.

anyway, while I could be down for a Grass/Fighting road runner, the result looks more like an upside-down teacup with legs running around. The proportions on the artwork are better than in-game, so the design isn't totally lost. Keeping its arms more "out", or longer feathers to create a full cloak, would have worked better.

Overall: 4/10

Hisuian Samurott

so how bout that Scarlet/Violet trailer, huh? 

Vanilla Samurott kinda sucked, and Hisui hasn't treated him much better. He's still fundamentally dumb, with a "samurai" theme made incomprehensible due to lack of any iconic samurai motifs, and a "shell sword" gimmick made  awkward due to being on all fours.

the new Dark typing gives his armor some extra spikes and flair, but it's too little too late. They had an opportunity to really redeem the design, maybe go Water/Fighting and have him stand upright, but alas. I'm gonna dock this one even lower than the original, too. Just for refusing to make any improvements whatsoever.

Overall: 3/10

Hisuian Typhlosion

well that's enough stalling.

Typhlosion is one of the most badass Pokemon ever, but he's been done a bit dirty by the transition to 3D. Dude needs those flames to be constantly raging to keep his presence. You see this shit?

This is weak shit.

Fortunately, Hisuian Typhlosion keeps his flames out all the time during battle - and they're spooky ghost flames, which is even better! although I wish they animated more like, well, flames. Instead of tentacles.

Regardless, there's still the minor tragedy that when he's just chilling in the overworld, no flames. It pisses me off. Charizard keeps it blazing 24/7, why can't my man Typhlosion?

Based on the design alone, this should be an easy 10/10, arguably even surpassing the original. But because of how its actually implemented in the game, I have to dock it points. And the sad truth is, if I was reviewing Typhlosion for the first time in this modern era, it would fall from that perfect grade, too.

Overall: 9/10

Touhoumon no. 9: Cirno

Beloved Tomboyish Daughter

Cirno is the strongest, what more do you need to know? She freezes frogs and doesn't afraid of anything.

Even besides the memes, Cirno remains enduringly popular because she's just so cool (pun intended). She's got a simple design and neat ice-crystal wings, with a big personality. I know everyone calls her a baka, but I think it's great how she doesn't let that faze her.

Also, she's got a nice Sp. Atk stat, and the surprisingly rare Ice typing. Plus she's cute as a button.

Overall: 9/10 10/10

Pokemon Scarlet & Violet announced

And here I was thinking Gamefreak was gonna take it easy after pumping out two games back-to-back...

I enjoyed the hell out of Legends Arceus and will probably make a post about it later, but suffice to say I'm really glad that Gen 9 is keeping the open-world vibes. I hope it brings back the emphasis on trainer battles, and let the Pokemon follow you around.

New starters look fine, we got a weed cat, applegator, and donald duck. As always, what really matters is their final evolutions, but I instantly like these more than last gen's.

Will I be able to review those Hisuian forms before these games launch? Knowing me, it'll be a struggle.

Raihan of Hammerlocke

the Kevin Durant of the Pokemon world

Raihan shows Piers how you rock a lanky frame, looking like a badass and staying on-brand. Check the coordination between shoes and hoodie, with the dragon-whisker laces. I wish we got to see more of him in the main game, because he's got a great design and his rivalry with Leon could be interesting.

Sadly, he ends up with one of the most pathetic gyms I've ever seen - you just step into his office, answer a few trivia questions, and battle a few trainers right there. It's a damn shame.

Sickass logo, though. and Raihan's hoodie looks mad comfy, I want to pull those drawstrings and make the "jaws" close up around his head.

Overall: 8/10

Piers of Spikemuth

God, wasn't it embarrassing when Piers starts to sing in his concert, but because there's no voice acting he's just shouting silently?

Honestly that little detail alone irreparably harmed Piers in my eyes. I know he's supposed to be this punk rocker, but I can't shake the image of him shaking his fist and lip-syncing into the microphone. So I'll try to give him a better examination here.

My man has the hair of an Octoling from Splatoon and the body of Midosuji from Yowamushi Pedal. That's a cool jacket and shoes, but those knobby knees aren't a good look. Piers is a victim of the need to wear something sports-related, so he ends up looking like one of those anemic marathon cyclists, but with a bunch of spiky accessories.

I think he's almost cool, but the hair is too alien and those knees are so distracting I don't even feel like giving him points for being involved with the storyline. Although it's admirable how he competes without using Dynamax, because it's a bullshit mechanic. 

His logo is just Team Yell, because they're actually just trainers from Spikemuth, but that's something we'll get into when we review the "Evil Team" themselves. For now, suffice to say that Piers falls a distant second to his sister.

Overall: 4/10

Melony of Chircester

forget Pikmin 4 I need HER 

Gamefreak gotta lot of nerve, making a stone-cold milf in the game and naming her Melony. Like how can I not make the obvious joke? But I'll resist, this is a Family blog, after all. (side note: anyone reading this with their family - there are probably better ways to spend your time together.)

I'm not sure if Frosmoth was designed first, or Melony, but they're perfect for each other. Big round soft maternal energy. She seems to have hooves instead of feet, but I can get over that. Just a really nice design, and check out the hidden triforce in her logo:

Whereas Bea and Allister are unconnected, aside from Ghost and Fighting being sorta opposites, Melony and Gordie have a cool little storyline, where she wanted him to become an Ice trainer and take over the gym, but he wanted to rock out as a Rock trainer. And depending on if you play Sword or Shield, I guess you see a different side of that argument.

Overall: 10/10

Gordie of Circhester

big dick is back in town, baby

Gordie's got a case of flat-foot like we saw with Milo, but aside from that the dude is a major boss. He does a backflip for no reason when he sends out his Pokemon! and despite being hugely popular, he's not an asshole about it. He's just honestly that cool.

I do want to question his wardrobe, though - that two-tone jacket is like something the In-Betweener would wear, and I'm not sure if dying his naturally bleach-blonde hair a shade of banana yellow was the best call. But I guess when you've got all the natural swag and charisma of Jack Black, you can pull anything off.

I think it's neat that Gordie is a chubby guy who's portrayed as legitimately cool in the game, instead of a joke. and I do think he's cool, he just needs better taste in outfits.

Overall: 7/10

Opal of Ballonlea

Triplets of Bellville (or would that be Solo of Bellville?)

You know how I ragged on Allister for the confusing theme? Opal has no such problems, because she's just a bad bitch. Sure, she's wearing the glove, but there's no attempt to be "sporty" here. Just old lady cotton candy drip.

Opal is seriously amazing, she's reached the age where she no longer gives a shit and just does whatever she wants. Yubaba vibes.

And the way she forcibly adopts Bede to snap him out of his emo phase... it's too good. She's just the best, and that gigantic poof around her neck gives her a unique top-heavy silhouette.

Overall: 10/10

Allister of Stow-on-Side

Shy Guy

Allister is the first one for whom the sports theme falls apart. He's a weirdo masked kid with baggy sleeves, who needs suspenders to hold up his shorts. Maybe they'd stay up on their own if he didn't weigh them down with those chunky Pokeball-holders, but. My man has clearly never been involved in athletic activity in his life. He has the body of a heavy reader, not a heavy lifter.

And usually I'm all about people with cool masks, but Allister isn't cool enough to deserve that respect. He's a shy nerd, nothing more. Get outta here with your frilly shoes.

And we're not even going to talk about the Black Sperm logo he's trying to use.

Overall: 3/10

Bea of Stow-on-Side

stanced up like a Dangan Ronpa character

Galarian Youmu is pretty cool. I'm a fan of the vaccum-sealed midriff, and being martial-arts themed means she plays the sporty aesthetic off well. It's a shame she doesn't end up having much personality or role in the story, though.

But still, how can you hate a karate girl who can hold her own against freaking Machamps?

Overall: 7/10

Kabu of Motostoke

The Professional

I love this guy. He's not really doing anything for his typing, but he's committed to the Footballer bit like no other. I've never seen so muscular knees. Kabu has "wily veteran" vibes, he's an older statesman of the league but still just as sharp as ever.

And I dig the extra detail we get about him - he's originally from Hoenn, but came to Galar to compete. Then he even dropped to the minor leagues before bouncing back. Dude has had a goddamn career, and I bet if you include his Hoenn stats he'd be an easy all-timer. It's cool how you get a preview of Motostoke before making the loop to actually attempt his gym, it's a great build-up and makes that first third of Sword/Shield the strongest part.

His logo amazing, btw. A samurai-style kabuto helmet, but also a reference to his ace Pokemon Centiskorch! If I lived in Galar, I think I'd definitely be a Kabu fan. Not only does he use one of my favorite Pokemon from the region, but I want to see the ol' gunslinger lace 'em up one more time and show those kids a thing or two.

Overall: 10/10

Nessa of Hulbury

rare sighting of the Loch Nessa Monster

 

There's a bit of a unifying design trend with the Gym Leaders in Galar - they're all sporty, because this league is run like a tournament. It's a cool idea, and goes with the British obsession with Football (although you could just have easily done the same for Unova, with New York's various sporting obsessions). Some of the leaders find it hard to work in the sponsor logos and weird tiny glove, but Nessa isn't one of them.

No, she makes this shit look good. I feel like there's perhaps 1 too many colors going on here, between the 3 shades of blue and green jewelry, but it's not enough to ruin a stellar design. My only other note is her ankle-floaties - usually people put flotation devices near the parts that need to stay above the water, like heads. But Nessa's feed will never drown. So that's cool.

Am I going easy on her because she's a babe? Possibly. But she's also a Queen, which is more important.

Overall: 9/10

Milo of Turffield

Got that Farmer Strength

 

Milo belongs to that subset of Pokemon characters who lack white sclera. He just has pupils floating underneath his eyebrows, like Krillin. Also like Krillin, he's incredibly jacked and doesn't have a nose.

something else that stands out in his artwork is his feet - he looks like he's standing in a puddle or something, right? Like there's got to be another 2 inches of foot we aren't seeing? Or else this man has the flattest feet I've ever seen. I think he did his leg day, did he skip Foot Day?

Maybe he's related to the Fire Emblem Awakening characters.

I'll be using their insignia instead of the actual badges they give you, because those are just pieces of a cookie and don't really matter. But their logos are kinda cool. And despite all the weird anatomy, I like Milo. Big himbo vibes.

Overall: 7/10