No. 514: Simisear

either he's shrugging his shoulders like "i dunno lol", or he's just air-drying his hands


if its the former, then the fur on his shoulders, his bowlegged stance, and his pitying gaze makes him a master of swag. If it's the latter, then he's a twiddling buffoon.

anyway, notice the hair. It reminds me of Giorno Giovanna, which is neat. also his tail is like that kinda fluffy, billowy fire that they draw like on Japanese wall scrolls or something, I don't care if that didn't make any sense. The pot-belly is kinda lame no matter which way you look at it, though.

eh, Simisear is borderline. Now that I actually look at it, he's definitely got his palms down, which makes him the buffoon. sorry, guy. points for almost looking cool, tho.


Overall: 5/10

No. 513: Pansear

As you know, Monkeys always come in pairs.

Pansear, though, isn't as cool as Pansage. He looks like he's declining your invitation, like "Naw, sorry man, I can't go out Friday. I've got... y'know, stuff to do. Yeah, sorry. Maybe next time..."

people like that piss me off, if you don't WANT to go to my thing just frikkin' tell me, don't make up some song and dance about it. I guess it's neat that he's got a different personality from Pansage, but it's a pissant of a personality.

Anyway, he's got a swirl instead of broccoli, and a jaggedy waistline, and only one prong on his tail. And he's red, for the colorblind in the audience. Watch for these few areas of deviation, because when we get to Panpour, that's where the differences will be. I like that, it makes it seem like there was an original monkey, like a control, but these three are offshoots of it. NOTE TO GAMEFREAK: This does not mean I want you to create a baby form of these guys to tie them all together, that would be beyond stupid.


Overall: 5/10

No. 512: Simisage

What did you say about my pompadour, huh~?


Look at this son of a gun. He's throwing a thumbs-up right at you, because he is a cool bro and he knows it, you know it, and he knows that you know it. Also, check out that rockin' pompadour. I love those things, and the bushy eyebrows are only making it better.

what I love most is his attitude. He's cocky in a delinquent-with-a-heart-of-gold kind of way, which may or may not have been a thing until I made it up just now. But it's awesome anyway.

See, when I saw this guy, a green leaf monkey with a pompadour, I knew the Unova region was gonna be something special.


Overall: 10/10

No. 511: Pansage

batten down the hatches, we're moving into the good stuff.


In the early game, you usually have a pretty lame set of Pokemon. Alls you can get seems to be bugs, birds, and rodents. Aside from your starter, you're usually lacking in actual elemental power.

That's where Pansage and his cousins come in. If you picked a Fire-type starter, the first gym leader will use a Water-type, but you will be given a lovely little Grass-type right before. I like this. Not necessarily that they flat out give you the Pokemon to type-trump with, but that they make more interesting types available earlier.

and Pansage is a neat Pokemon on its own. I think I like it the best out of the 1st-stage monkeys, because it looks like it has broccoli growing out of its head. Also it's wearing adorable little green trousers. In addition, note that we've had a few "monkey" Pokemon before, yet Pansage doesn't feel derivative at all. That shows the strength of the design.


Overall: 8/10

No. 510: Liepard

I kinda wish they saved the "leopard" idea for a stronger, more interestingly-typed Pokemon, but oh well


Maybe it's good they used it here, because it saves Liepard from being just a bigger Purrloin. Instead, it's a neat purple-and-gold leopard, which is awesome.

okay, maybe not "awesome", but "above-average" at least. I like that curvy, dangerous-looking tail, and how it looks like its wearing pink cat-eye glasses.


Overall: 7/10

No. 509: Purrloin

rainin' cats and dogs up in this bitch

We've had Meowth, we've had Skitty, we've had Glameow, and now it's Purrloin's turn up at bat.

It brings a Dark typing, which is new, and some purple-lidded Disney eyes, which always struck me as odd. You know what I'm talking about, right? Like how Dopey or Dumbo or whoever, they'd close their eyes and the top lid would be all purple and shit? That always grossed me out as a kid.

Anyway, Purrloin is half cute, half smirky sass, half sharp corners, which makes her 150% cat.

That seems about right.


Overall: 6/10

No. 508: Stoutland

It's hard to come up with something interesting to say.


Because even though Stoutland is fairly capable, and I always get wrecked by its Headbutt because I don't expect a Normal-type to ever be worth anything, in the end, it's just the final form of an early-game Normal-type fodder Pokemon.

It's almost in its inherent nature to be boring.

and I'm bored. booooored.

Alls I got to say is that it has a gigantic mustache, and is a fine evolution to its previous forms. But the previous forms were stale as month-old bread, so this guy is pretty damn stale as well.

With the underwhelming starters, and all this generic-ness in a row, you might wonder why I said I really like the 5th Gen. But trust me, things definitely pick up. There are some absolutely freaking wonderful designs and creative ideas in Unova, but you have to suffer through the admittedly lacking beginning to get there.


Overall: 3/10

No. 507: Herdier

It's another shaggy dog!


That's - that's pretty much it!

It does have a rockin' mustache, though. And a fierce gaze. so there's that.


But mainly, it's just another dumb dog.


Overall: 2/10

No. 506: Lillipup

I really wanted him to evolve into Brobdigdog, but oh well.


Why do we need TWO Normal-type fodder Pokemon? I put up with Patrat and Watchog, but I seriously doubt the need for these guys as well. I admit having 3 stages is better than 2, because it means the Pokemon will be relevant longer, but still...

we've had a few doggie Pokemon before. They were pretty neat. They were also Fire-types. Lilllipup is neither neat, nor a Fire-type. And maybe some people will find him adorable, but he looks like his face blew up, comic-strip style. I'm putting my foot down, hard.


Overall: 1/10

No. 505: Watchog

like a watchdog groundhog or sumthin'


now, hold on a minute! I thought the rodent dudes were supposed to be boring and generic, but this guy is goddamn insane!

The hypno-eyes are just freaking me out, man. and why's he got such a posture? arms crossed, back straight - he's completely committed to something, with more effort than I could ever muster.

also, the coloring? golden bands absolutely everywhere? white gloves and boots?? I can't deal with this, my eyes are getting tired just looking at him.

I feel like they had a regular design there, and then realized it was boring, so they just threw as much crap at it as they could until they all caught fire or passed out or something.

Overall: 5/10

No. 504: Patrat

one of the few limitations of this internet technology is that you can't hear the level of sigh I just made. but trust me, it was a sigh that would've made even Napoleon Dynamite roll his eyes

because, you see, we now have to grapple with the unpleasant reality that is a new generation of Pokemon: there will be crap-tastic little rodents and also (another sigh here) birds.

HOWEVER, I am willing to cut this guy a little slack, and do you know why? Because in Unova, everything is new. You can't get those old Pokemon, they aren't around until the post-game. 150 brand-spanking new Pokemon. And so, to fill the gameplay niche, Patrat occurs.

This is much more excusable in Unova than in Hoenn for example, because Hoenn has Kanto Pokemon just all over the place. And if you can catch a Geodude in Hoenn, why not a Rattata? So there was no need for Zigzagoon and the like. Compare with Unova, where from the very beginning they new they'd need to make everything up from scratch again.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I still think he looks kinda dumb and has weird eyes and isn't cool at all and sucks majorly, but at least I can justify his existence.


Overall: 2/10

No. 503: Samurott

Gamefreak: Dropping the ball harder than Skrillex drops beats


Samurott is a samurai otter, yeah, okay. That seems logical.

BUT THEN WHY DOESN'T HE LOOK ANYTHING LIKE IT

He doesn't have a samurai kabuto helmet at all, he has a mustache, sure, but it's just kinda gigantic and getting in the way, and the only plate armor he has is on his legs. He doesn't have a sword (I realize that he actually has swords that he keeps hidden in those front armor parts, but those swords shouldn't be very long and how can he even use them, he's a quadruped, which is strange, since the previous ones were bipedal. This aside has now become longer than the original statement, but that's just how we roll at NAPACE).

Basically, I have no idea what the shit happened here. Is this what Gamefreak thinks otters look like? Why isn't it a goddamn Water/Fighting type? This is a big sloppy mess and I don't like it at all. Okay, I like it a little bit, but not very much.


Overall: 4/10

No. 502: Dewott

lol wott


Despite notably lacking a Fighting subtype, Dewott still manages to look badass. I love his samurai styling, the way he's reaching for his shellsword there, ready to cut down his opponents in a single slash. and I also like how he's a little leaner and longer than Oshawott, it reinforces the "otter" idea.

Honestly, this guy just rocks. Especially for a mid-stage, which usually fall into a pit of badness, Dewott instead stands on a pillar of goodness, to use some highly descriptive language. I hope you can keep up with my vocabulary, I'm pretty good with words. A poemer, you might say.

anyway, Dewott rocks mah socks, because a samurai otter is both adorable and incredibly cool.


Overall: 9/10

No. 501: Oshawott

I named mine Revolver. "This is the greatest Pokemon ever created. 4 attacks. More than enough to kill anything that moves."


but seriously, what the hell is up with that name. Wotter would have been good. "Oshawott" means nothing to anyone. The new artwork is good, though, because the original reveal looked like a depressed clown.

anyway, I like otters, and Oshawott is cute. It reminds me of Piplup in color scheme, which isn't a bad thing. But I don't have a very concrete opinion on this one, mainly I guess it's okay and such.


Overall: 6/10

500 Pokemon

May I be the first to say, God Damn.

500 Pokemon. Five-hundred Pokemon. That is not a small number. That is a large number.


I wonder what those original creators would say, if you went back in time and told them they would be so successful, they'd have to create 500 of the little guys. Or around 650, to be more precise. Would they even be able to conceive of that many Pokes?

Because I know when I was little, 150 was a ton. That was more than I would ever be able to honestly catch. 500? Man, I would've had an epilepsy.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here, just that I think it's wonderful that something as wonderful as Pokemon has (in my not-so-humble opinion) managed to remain wonderful for so long. While I think the quality dropped in the 4th generation, the games themselves were improved. And not everything was sucky, lots of them were great. And lots of the 5th Gen will be great, just you see.

Catching 500 Pokemon (or ~650) seems like a daunting, thankless task. But I can't think of 500 other things I'd want to collect more. Not all Pokemon are Created Equal, but as a whole they're pretty much kickass.

Oh, and thanks for reading 500 of my rambly reviews, you guys. Like Pokemon itself, NAPACE has variable quality, and I apologize for any past hiatuses, present sppelling erors, and future transgressions. I'd keep this up for 500 more Pokemon, if Gamefreak would but invent them.

No. 500: Emboar

okay, finally a good name! nice pun, hi-fives all around.

Let me say, Emboar's pokedex entry is beyond badass. "It has mastered fast and powerful fighting moves. It grows a beard of fire."

Holy flaming crap, that is awesome. I love how the statements aren't even related, but the fact that they are next to each other implies correlation. It is implied that because Emboar mastered the fighting arts, it was able to grow a beard of fire, and did so out of sheer willpower.

I also know that I'm so happy to see a blazing flame, and the fact that it is a BEARD is even better. Emboar may look kinda Journey-to-the-West, which makes me unable to ignore the similarities to Infernape, in both theme and typing, but I still really like the guy. well, he does have those bands. Eh, he's not as awesome as I stated out thinking, but he's still great and almost redeems the entire line just by himself.


Overall: 8/10

No. 499: Pignite

Okay, this name is more like it. But I would've gone with "Hamferno".


It's a pig wearing a wrestling leotard, that's pretty great. Still no open flame, though, which mitigates that. I cannot stress enough how much I like open flames on Fire Pokemon.

also, note he golden bands. noting them? good, because there they are. LOOK AT THEM

but now I really have to say - Fire/Fighting? Again? For the 3rd time? really, Gamefreak? really? To make things even worse, Samurott would be a much better candidate for a Fighting subtype, yet it gets nothing. Neither does Serperior. Seems kinda biased, don't it? In fact, I'm getting pretty angry over here. That's absolutely ridiculous, I don't want a Water/Grass/Fighting trio, I just want my standard one with the final forms all getting their own little twist. And when the Fire one gets the twist, and the SAME DAMN TWIST each time, it gets old.

If Water always ended up Water/Ice, and Grass always ended up Grass/Psychic or something, then it would be an equal thing. but it isn't, and screw that.


Overall: 3/10

No. 498: Tepig

I would've gone for a bacon-related pun, myself


Because "Tepig" is an awful name."Tepid" means "lukewarm". That's the definition of weaksauce, you dithering jackass of a pig.

You shoot fire out of your nose or something, which is kinda insane, but have no open flame. Also you're wearing a diaper. Also golden patch on your snout for no discernible reason. Tepig, you're nearly completely awful. I hope someone makes you into a porkchop.


Overall: 2/10

No. 497: Serperior

BANANA SNAKE! BANANA SNAKE!

watch your goddamn dicks, the Banana Snake is in town. He lives in the banana trees, and comes down to bite off your penises. Don't screw with the Banana Snake.

As far as design goes, I really hope they wanted me to think BANANA SNAKE because that's literally all that comes into my head when I look at him. Also I'm reminded of Boa Hancock, what with the "looking down on you" attitude and snake theme.

but mainly yeah - giant ass Banana Snake here, just being an insufferable asshole about how upper-class he is. Standard Pokemon fare. Pretty good stuff, honestly.


Overall: Banana /10

No. 496: Servine

yeah I could make room for another serving


Servine isn't looking significantly more snake-like. It's still a portly punk with a big pointy nose, and not much tail to speak of. The limbs are smaller, which strikes me as evolutionary digression, but then again what business does a snake have, having arms and legs anyway?

More leaves is good, larger collar is good, and is it just me, or does the top of its head look like it's beginning to peel?

It falls into the same pitfall that most other 2nd stage Starter Pokemon do: not cute enough, not cool enough, a dopey mix between the two.


Overall: 4/10

No. 495: Snivy

From United King, I'm looking for heav'n, Excalibur!


in an act that surprised absolutely no one with a functioning frontal cortex, they didn't call it Smugleaf.

Because Snivy is a much better name - it sounds more slithery and is a true transliteration of the Japanese name. Snake + Ivy = Snivy, with the added benefit of including a possibly pun on "snide", which is better than straight-up mashing two words together, you meme-spewing mouth-breathing buttheads.

Anyway, Snivy is a snake with arms and legs, which doesn't be. But I like the little collar, so we'll call it even. All-in-all, a fairly okay Pokemon that continues the Grass starter trend of being vaguely reptilian and including live foliage somewhere on its body.


Overall: 7/10

Maintenance completed, new generation started

Well, I finally got all those broken images fixed, and did those tags while I was at it. Tell me if I missed anything, will you? I got as far as Linoone.

While I want to blame this long delay on getting sick, unplanned forced family time, and then moving, and then being without internet, I think the real lesson her is "Never Promise Anything", because if I hadn't promised to have this all done before I started the Unova region, then I would've started that weeks ago.

But then I would've never gotten around to doing this, so oh well.

and at some point I'll have to go through the rest of them to get the tags in order, but that's surprisingly easy and fun to do, so maybe that will get done before I finish the 5th gen? maybe? No promises here, mind you.

No. 494: Victini

oh wow, it has been entirely too long, you guys.


The 5th Generation kicks off with a bang, as Victini explodes into an unprecedented 0th spot on the Regional Pokedex. I don't know why they did this, like to hide it even more than putting it at the end? but whatever.

Fire / Psychic is a pretty neat combo, and if Victini wasn't a legendary that I refuse to use on principle, I would totally put it in my team. The dude's flashing peace-and-love signs like he's Vash the Stampede, he has a giant Viewtiful V on his head, cute lil' fangs, and another V in the form of tail-wings.

The whole design manages to evoke a rabbit, yet also a little angel imp, and also carry a consistent theme. The theme is having Vs all over the place, in case you couldn't tell. But whether that is meant to evoke victory, peace, the roman numeral 5, the 22nd letter of the alphabet, or one of the more dubious imageboards around, that it up to you.


Overall: 10/10