No. 534: Conkeldurr

Donkelderp


Now, c'mon, Conkeldurr? Seriously? Conkeldurr? This got stupid in a hurry.

Conkeldurr has all the problems of Gurdurr, but magnified. He's a dopey old man with a clown nose, a name that isn't even a pun anymore, and two random pieces of concrete that he carries. He's not badass, he just looks geriatric and lame. The only thing redeeming him at all is that when you think about it, using the shattered halves of a freaking pillar of concrete is pretty hardcore. I just wish he slung them over his shoulder like a boss, instead of leaning on them like a walker.

and I must admit I find it hilarious that his lower body is exactly the same size as it was when he was Timburr. Apparently all he does is lift.


Overall: 2/10

No. 533: Gurdurr

Dial G for Gurdurr

Timburr was a pun, and I guess Gurdurr is too, but at least the former didn't contain the infamous "durr" syllable, that signifies herping and derping and generally not having more brain strength than the average eclair.

He looks like Komusubi from Eyeshield 21, and that isn't a good thing. For all his guts, the guy was a little bitch. Clown-nose isn't cool, nor is cauliflower-hair. I'm back to talking about Gurdurr now, by the way.

Urg. I know what they were going for, and I know what's coming, but I still don't want it to happen. Timburr was damn near perfect. Gurdurr is a freaking dud.


Overall: 3/10

No. 532: Timburr

guess who's about to run a carpentry train on your ass


It's Timburr. The answer is Timburr. Timburr is going to absolutely wreck some fools. Look at his grin, look at the way he carries that plank. Don't anybody dare mess with this guy, you'll end up with splinters in your ass.

I love this little guy, he's a true contender for my favorite of the entire gen. Reminds me of Machop (surprise surprise) in a good way. He isn't really any specific animal, but easily identifiable, and looks like a powerhouse in training.

I especially like how he TOSSES HIS PLANK behind his back during his idle animation. That's just so swag, I almost can't believe it. Seriously, this guy rocks.


Overall: 10/10

No. 531: Audino

Remember Chansey? Remember how it was a nurse or something? Remember how it ate its own eggs, and enjoyed soaking up damage masochistically?

Because I used to, and it gave me nightmares. But then Audino came along, and made it all okay. Audino is like a wonderful oasis in a desert of pain and sadness. You're hurting, you need some experience, but you also don't want a fainted Poke on your hands. But then, angels sing out, and a peace settles on the battlefield.

Audino poses no threat, it learns like maybe 2 moves that do any damage whatsoever, and one of its moves even HEALS the opponent. It gives you boatloads of exp, it's like a Metal Slime that isn't that hard to find and doesn't run away, it's just a wonderful thing.

And the reason I brought up Chansey is because while Chansey may be a cannibalistic egg-thing that heals itself, Audino would be the perfect nurse. Again, it has a move that heals the other guy. That's some commitment to altruism, right there.


Overall: 7/10

No. 530: Excadrill

I used to have these little paddle shovels, that you'd hold like katars, and I'd always dig up the beach with them. That's what these guys' shovel hands remind me of.

I loved Drilbur, but I got some beef with his older bro here. Mainly, those little red nubs he's got on his knees, elbows, and the side of his head. What's up with those dots? They aren't pronounced enough to count as spikes, they just stick out there like unwanted pimples.

The war paint on his face and splash of color on his chest are also kinda strange. It's like he painted himself up for battle, Lord of the Flies style. And just like in that book, the conch (Cloyster, Water/Ice) would totally own his Ground-based ass. But who's The Beast, then? Oh wait, he's got Steel as well. That would give him an advantage, since he'd certainly go first.

Well, I still like his shovel-hands, but I wish he'd gone more drill-like. Also hey, is that Crash Man's visor thing on his head?


Overall: 5/10

No. 529: Drilbur

I musta been psychic yesterday when I mentioned drills, because this boy got spiral power out the wazoo


Drills in general are cool, even before Gurren Lagann. My favorite Godzilla monster was Megalon, that giant cockroach that spat napalm, had a horn that shot lightning, and his two hands were like halves of a drill, and he could put them together and burrow and stuff. Also he could fly. Also he was from Atlantis. Also I am now realizing that a lot of Godzilla movies sound like fever dreams when you talk about them later.

But that's besides the point, Drilbur is here now. I like his how his body is brown and his face is white, like it's a mask or peeking out of a hoodie or something, it's neat. And I'm a sucker for things folding up neatly, so the way his claws perfectly line up into shovels, but can split apart into knives, is a big turn-on. And I'm pretty damn sure he can put his hands together like Megalon, right? If not, he should.

Maybe the reason he feels so fresh and new is the fact that the last "mole" Pokemon we had was Diglett, who wasn't so much an actual mole as a whack-a-mole.

So I think Drilbur is awesome, but you don't have to believe me. You don't even have to believe in yourself. Just believe in me, who believes in you, and I believe that Drilbur is awesome. Who the hell do you think you are!? I am!!


Overall: 9/10

No. 528: Swoobat

really not gonna win any prizes for naming originality here, guys


It was just a puffball, but then BOOM a head and butt grew out of it. And the head has a big ol' goofy grin, eyes right where I said they would look dumb, and (curiously) two ears merged into one. I really don't get that last bit, freaking why!? Does it fold up like a drill and tunnel through rocks? I'd hope so, but I don't think it does.

Then that strange little tail, it makes me feel uncomfortable. Naked, ratlike tails have never been my favorite, and when you have two tails that intertwine with each other and for some sort of gripper, I like them even less.

The whole thing just looks ridiculous now, and a little unsettling, is what I'm getting at.


Overall: 4/10

No. 527: Woobat

totally not Zubat you guys totally


See, it's a cute lil' puff ball. With tiny devil wings, and a single lil' fang. Looks like a dust bunny come to life, to me. It's totally the Zubat replacement, but it's actually such a different take on it, aside from the name, I don't mind. It'a a good way to give people a flyer with a more unique typing, too.

But that nose... I don't think I like that nose. One single nasal? That is an awfully large orifice. Also, I really don't like the idea that those w's are its eyes all closed, that would put the nose too high and give it an overall dopey expression. If the eyes are higher up, just invisible, then it looks more intelligent.

But let's get back to that nose. Doesn't it kiss people with that thing? Leaving heart-shaped stamps on them? That shit is mad wack, yo. Who the hell kisses people with their noses. That's just asking for someone to kiss you back, and stick your tongue up your nose, and from there I don't want to think about it anymore.


Overall: 6/10

No. 526: Gigalith

it's like my wildest dreams of what I want in a Rock-type came together all at once, on my birthday, at Christmas.


First off, you know it's gotta be badass, because it's got Giga in its name. And Giga is 1000 times a Kilo. You know how many pictures you can fit in a Giga? a shit-ton, that's how many.

Secondly, more red-ruby-rock stones. Man, you don't know how much I like seeing colored gem-style stones jutting out of regular rocks, I love it a whole lot.

Thirdly, those sunken eyes. General Grievous-level hatred spewing out of them, plus they look like R____r____'s body, so that's neat continuity.

Finally, four badass legs for stomping fools into the ground. And that triangular body, with a scowling head on top - it's pretty much one of the best things.

Maybe the best part is that you get to trade your Boldore to evolve it. And I do say "get to", not "have to", because it's a goddamn privilege to have that sucker evolve on your friend's DS, because then you can forcibly show them the majesty and earth-shaking fury that is Gigalith. Though there is the possibility they won't want to trade it back, and you'll have to kick them in the chest.


Overall: 10/10

No. 525: Boldore

more like bol-BORE amirite hehehehehehe

no, that wouldn't be right. Boldore is a helluva lot more interesting than Roggen - please don't make me say this - rolla.

He's dark blue stone, with red crystals growing out of him. that's certainly a different aspect of rocks that Pokemon hasn't explored yet, so good for him. Much better than gray-n-brown. Or more often, brown-n-browner.

anyway, three legs, red ruby stones, special ability that makes it so he can't get OHKO'd, what a champ. But wait, shit gets even better.


Overall: 7/10

No. 524: Roggenrola

let's all collectively face-palm at this name, and then move on with our lives.

looks like a Kirby enemy, to me. I like the color scheme, navy blue and yellow always looks sharp, and the brown is fine, too.

maybe what I like most about... *shudder* Roggenrola is that it's a solo Rock-type, which differentiates it from the Geodude line.

But really, Rocky Road here is pretty middling. Fortunately, his evolutions are more exciting.


Overall: 5/10

No. 523: Zebstrika

zippity zap, it's Zebstrika, bitches!


Ever seen a pissed off zebra? Well, now you have. I wonder if Zebstrika is so mad because people keep trying to plug his horns into a giant electrical outlet.

anyway, while I have to say that I like how the stripes got more lightning-bolt-y, it does add to the clutter of the design. I'm also not a fan of the dual horns, one giant unicorn thunder horn would've been better, and the thing at the end of the tail looks ridiculous. It's still a pretty neat Pokemon, but I think if they'd just dialed back a bit, it would've been truly great.


Overall: 7/10

No. 522: Blitzle

you know, it's halfway through the month, and I've only done a quarter-month's worth of updates. I need to get my head in the game.


But now things are getting interesting again, so yaay! Blitzle is a freaking electric zebra, which is really just about the best thing I've imagined all day. But hey, remember that thing I talked about way back when? The formula for making a good Pokemon?

step 1. take an animal (zebra)
step 2. change it up (black body, a few strong white stripes)
step 3. add something badass (electric powers and a thunderbolt-shaped mane)

It's all coming back, baby. Classic methodology leads to good designs.

The only complain I have is that the nose looks a little... off. Reminds me of one of the Angry Beavers somewhat, and I hated that show.


Overall: 9/10

No. 521: Unfezant

HE REMAINS UNFAZED

this has to be the 2nd or 3rd most unpleasant looking pheasant I've ever seen. Dude's got a mardi-gras mask on, and moss growing from his nether-regions.

Now, this is just a male, though, the female looks the same, except brown and without the mask. In other words, more boring than Iowa.

You'd think they'd run with the "male is flashy female isn't" thing more with some sort of peacock-style bird, but that surprisingly doesn't exist yet. And instead we get this half-assed attempt at it here.

I can barely muster up anything else to say, it's just a shitty avian buttwiper. You might think it wrong to give the entire line 1/10, but in fact it IS right and just. Fuck normal/flying types. I am so glad this is the last round of generic birds I will have to endure.


Overall: 1/10

No. 520: Tranquill

I hate it when mid-terms happen because then I have less time to write opinions about Pokemon for the internet


though I can't honestly say my opinions about this one are very interesting. I think it's dull, and (say it with me) another feathery flying piece of shit. There is nothing cool or badass about it, not anything cute, trivia-worthy, or even strange and odd. It's just there, being stupid and generic. I guess it has pink things above it's eyes? Is that something noteworthy?

About all I can say is that Black 2 and White 2 came out recently, so be good little boys and girls and go out and buy them. And whenever you see a Tranquill, smash it for me.


Overall: 1/10

No. 519: Pidove

The good thing is that this line can't be worse than Gen 4's birds.

However, that doesn't mean they can't be equally terrible and boring. Again, like with the rodents, this is one time when the introduction of such Normal/Flying shitheads makes sense - just like in the first game, it's an important niche to be filled. and it's stupid that they filled it with new dumb crap every game, because that means I can't appreciate this guy at all. though there's not much to appreciate.

He's a pigeon. Like, literally just a pigeon. lazy ass butt munchers.

But I bet everyone feels kinda silly calling Pidgey "Pidgey", beecause he really wasn't much of a pigeon. More like a chicken thing. And so when a real pigeon comes along, they kinda call it a dove and hope no one notices.


Overall: 1/10

No. 518: Musharna

Am I the only one who thinks this looks like a fetus with an umbilical cord?

either that or the thing from Ni no Kuni. Except with billowy pink smoke instead of a lantern nose.

I like the idea of the smoke, just constantly steaming from the hole in the head, but the sprite is lazy, because it treats the smoke like a tendril, never growing or shrinking in length, or changing shape, just kinda undulating. I've complained about fire being treated in a similar manner, before.

aside from that, Musharna's okay I guess. Pleasant color scheme, logical evolution, looks unique. Most Pokemon aren't curled up asleep in a fetal position, and for that small grace, I am thankful.


Overall: 6/10

No. 517: Munna

the dream bean appears on the scene!

There's some dialogue in like Pokemon Blue where a trainer says something like, "Wouldn't it be cute if there was a Pokemon with a floral pattern? Pink with flowers, that would be great!" Well, here we are.

A teapot of a Pokemon, except it's missing the handle and the spout. Or anything else rendering it indicative of, well, anything. What the hell is Munna really supposed to be, anyway? Another dream-inducing tapir? Didn't we have that already? Though it doesn't even really have a snout. You know, it looks like one of those covers you put on mixers or teakettles, more than anything else.

I almost want to give it points for originality, but it's more like obscurity. And frankly, I'm sick of thinking so hard about this tiny pink poop.


Overall: 4/10

No. 516: Simipour

wet and wild

Simipour looks like a cool dude, despite the fact he's wearing what appears to be a summer dress that fails to actually cover his lower regions. And he's totally cool with that, just letting the breezes blow. Donald Duckin' it like an Animal Crossing character.

His hair looks like either tentacles, or water cascading down, which works really well, and his tail is like a tiny sploosh of water. All in all, a goofy yet surprisingly solid Pokemon.


Overall: 7/10

No. 515: Panpour

awww, look at 'im! He's so happy!

the happiest monkey in the world is Panpour, completing our Fire/Grass/Water trio. His tail has three prongs on it, as opposed to Pansage's two, or Pansear's one. But in a strange twist, he appears to not be wearing any pants. The other guys had colored pants and tan skin, but Panpour is clearly only wearing the tiniest of tops, leaving his lower body completely exposed.

no wonder he's so happy, he's just letting it all air out. Also he's got a blue chef's hat on, so that's bound to make a guy smile.

at this point I want to address the theory that these three are the "see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil" monkeys, because it's kind of a load of bullshit. Sure, Panpour has his eyes closed. But he's not covering them with his hands like a proper Wise Monkey would. Then there's Pansear, who seems to be trying to hear evil, if anything. And goddamn Pansage, with his mouth open, proclaiming the Dark Gospel to all unhappy souls who cross his cursed path. So no, Virginia, there isn't any sort of connection, stop trying to read things into Pokemon that aren't there.


Overall: 7/10