No. 809: Melmetal

oh lawd he comin

It's really neat how this is another magnetic Steel type that combines to evolve, but doesn't feel like a Magneton ripoff in the slightest. It's also a "dozens of tiny Pokemon fuse" evolution, but doesn't look totally stupid like Zygarde.

But I love this Plasma Wraith looking son of a gun. Big shoulders are always in vogue, as are equally big smashing hands. Aint got no fingers, we don't need those. You think Melmetal will be shaking hands with anybody? playing cards? signing autographs? Hell no. His hands are for punching and nothing else.

also he's immune to bullets, because he would just catch them with that nut in his stomach and let them pass through without doing damage.


Overall: 9/10

No. 808: Meltan

Love me some of that 808


It was pointed out that I never actually reviewed these guys, who came awkwardly late to the 7th Gen. I lost track of these slippery bastards, because they aren't present in the game when I play it, and I'm not tuned into the movies anymore. But here's Meltan!

First, lemme say that I really like the reflections on this artwork. That subtle gold reflecting near its head is really making my day. This is why I want to wait on official illustrations for the Gen 8 Pokemon - models are nice, but the drawings are often better, and capture something about the spirit or personality of the Pokemon that a static model can't!

Anyway, Meltan is cute. I'm not bothered by the superficial resemblance to Ditto, and if anything it's RPG tradition to have a slime and a metal slime. The way it creates an eye out of the negative space in the nut is clever.

btw, does anybody else have a compulsion to press down on its head and squish its body, making it ooze out the sides like when you use too much glue? Just me? ok


Overall: 7/10

Gen 8 reviews?

I want to do them!!

But... we're lacking official artwork for most of the Pokemon. We only have the starter's first forms, even. So be patient.

Besides, I'm not even done with the game yet. I'll do a writeup of my progress and stuff to stall for time, if they can't find those official artworks soon.

10 years.

Wow.

10 freaking years.

I suppose it's not like I did anything to make 10 years pass, they would've passed regardless. And I haven't been active enough to qualify as "keeping this thing running" for 10 years of steady updates, but...

still. damn. 10 years.

10 years ago there were only 500 Pokemon. Now there's set to be over 1000, when you count the alternate forms and Megas and stuff.

10 years ago I was in high school. Now I'm out of college and employed full-time.

10 years ago Nintendo was still riding high on the DS and Wii. Now we've come through the dark times of the WiiU into the success of the Switch.

10 years ago I loved Pokemon.



Now, I still do, despite everything I might say.



I just saw the leaks for the new Pokemon, and there's some good ones in there. I'm finally allowing myself to start to get excited for Sword & Shield. I'll be here to review them, for any of you loyal NAPACE readers who are still hanging around. I can't promise it'll be on a regular schedule, but I'll do at least this one last generation for all of you. Not sure if there's much point in continuing past, since it'll be another few years until a new generation, and the site would be silent for all of those years... but hey. Someone's gotta tell you knuckleheads which ones of these Pokemon are any good, right!?

Thanks for reading.

Wednesday Ramble

this is such bullshit.

Beta Gen Summary

(if you don't know what this is, click here)

I suppose I shouldn't keep you waiting any longer. Let's look back on the dream of things that might have been.

The 69 Beta Pokemon I reviewed averaged out to 5.9/10. That's pretty good, even with the host of stupid babies dragging down the average!

Of those, 30 were rough drafts of existing Pokemon, and half of them turned out better than their final counterparts, for a net gain of 27 points. They shouldn't have second-guessed themselves!

Now, using the ratings I gave to the actual Gen 2 Pokemon, if Gold/Silver had shipped with the Beta Pokedex, it would have averaged out to 5.8/10. Which is... exactly what the actual Gen 2 got. How did that happen, when I just said the beta-versions were better overall? Well, keep in mind that because the Beta version had original Pokemon like Bellmitt and Twinz, it was missing actual Gen 2 Pokemon like Heracross and Chinchou. And it all ended up evening out.

So what's the moral, here? Apparently if the Beta had been final, it would've still been about as good. There's no need to wish for an alternate universe, here. But I do wish that we could get that top crop of Beta-mons in the real games, some day.

Now I want to see the discarded designs for all the generations...

The Best Beta Gen Pokemon

I weep for what never got the chance to exist. We were missing out, man.

10. Pangshi

9. Beta-Magby

8. Bomseaker

7. Dynabear

6. Anchorage

5. Rinring

4. Bellboyant

3. Warwolf

2. Tigrette

1. Octillery

I made the executive decision to bump Beta-Scizor from the list, because while he is indeed awesome, he's equally awesome to his final version, whereas Beta-Magby was a vast improvement. And this also opened a slot for another original Pokemon, Pangshi, to squeeze in there. Hey, it's my site, I make the rules, ok?

How about you - which Beta Pokemon do you wish were real?

(no all-time ranking update, since I'd be comparing idealized phantoms with the all-too-fallible flesh)

The Worst Beta Gen Pokemon

Presenting the argument for "this beta should never have seen the light of day", we have:

10. Puddi

9. Cleffa

8. Blossomole
7. Likk

6. Para

5. Grimey

4. Grotess
3. Hitmontop

2. Golpy
1. Ballerine

Yeah, it wasn't a good day for babies. It's hardly ever a good day for babies, but this day was worse than most. Thank goodness Gamefreak saw reason, and removed most of them, along with these other foul shitstains.

(again, no cumulative ranking, for Reasons)

And you? What Beta Pokemon make you say "sometimes dead is better"?

Beta No. 251: Leafeon

Finally, we've made it to the end! Just in time for E3.

And waiting for us is not Celebi, but an Eeveelution. All the way apart from Umbreon and Espeon. That's so random and unfitting, that I think we can say with certainty these dex numbers were never intended to be final, at least not down at the end.

It's odd, most of the early version of existing Pokemon are from Gen 2, but Leafeon wouldn't be revisited until Gen 4. And when they did, they should've kept this one! My complaint about the real Leafeon is how it's just a generic mammal with some leaves glued on, this one looks like it's properly foliage. The greenery is everywhere on it, not just ears and tail. Not the most exciting end to the beta-dex, but at least it's a strong note - an example of an early design which surpasses the final result.


Overall: 7/10

Beta No. 250: Tael

Give a big hand for #250!!!

Again, weird dex numbers. I have no explanation. They were probably drunk.

Clearly, this would become Aipom. In the process, it would stop looking so lemurian, and become more simian. Aipom is a freaky freak, but Tael looks like a friend. Actually, I'd quibble with that art - maybe Tael was always meant to be a cat? a cat with thumbs??? I rather like the fact that his tail-hand is an honest-to-goodness cartoon glove, instead of Aipom's strange little fingies.


Overall: 8/10

Beta No. 246: Sneasel

Nestled between the Legendary Dogs and Legendary Birds is... Sneasel.

It's only a demo, maybe the numbering wasn't set yet? Perhaps a placeholder? Cuz it's a weird ass position for a random single-stage Pokemon.


To make matters worse, this version of Sneasel is... significantly more boring than the final one, to say the least. It's just a cartoon weasel, with no flair. It's a fine cartoon weasel, but nothing more. But, it was only pure-Dark. I was hoping to discover the justification for Sneasel's Ice typing (perhaps the original had heavy fur?) but no dice! They just made that up to get more Ice in the game.


Overall: 4/10

Wild Region of Galar

One of the things I hoped this game would give me is a free camera, and expansive environment. I was disappointed with the initial reveal, but they recently gave details on the "Wild Region" in the center of Galar, were free-roam is possible!

And so, I've spent some time trying to pinpoint down where the shots from the trailer came from.

New Pokemon revealed!

I'll do a proper run-down of these peeps once the game releases, but for now here are my initial thoughts. Basically, I don't see anything too stupid so far, but not much that's super exciting, either. But we only know 10 of them! There's still time for the rest of the generation to wow me.


Gossifleur: I thought this was a chili pepper or something spicy at first.


Eldegoss: Another cotton Pokemon, huh? I'm not sure that concept was worth going back to the well for.

Beta No. 245: Sui

this Pokemon smokes weed. don't ask me how I know, I just know.

That single glowing eye is freaking me the hell out.


I was dogging (hah) pretty hard on Actual Suicune, all those years ago. But looking at the alternative, I feel that I may have been too harsh. At least that one took good care of its hair. This one just lets that shit clot and clump, forming natural dreadlocks and smelling horrible. Becoming a vegan or getting really into communism is soon to follow. And I'm all for sticking it to The Man, but becoming a hippie shouldn't just be a cover-up for your total surrender on the personal hygiene front. Sui might be full of wisdom, or it might just be full of lice.


Overall: 1/10

Beta No. 244: En

Hot Dog!



...why ain't y'all laughin'

I wonder if these names were just placeholders, too. They're so simple, and literally just "thunder", "fire", "water", in Japanese.


En here looks like he could be a Gen 6 Pokemon, actually. Just has that vibe. Those black flames are kinda neat, but I think the artist should've realized that he's got fire on his ankles, too - not just gauntlets. I really like Entei, but I have to say that his beta form is neat, too. Just lacks the "Legendary" punch.


Overall: 6/10

Beta No. 243: Rai

I weep for the tragedy of the hundreds of thousands of Deviantart pictures that never came into existence, because they didn't use this design.

I mean, just look at this anime-ass bitch. Lookin like something out of the Lion King 3. Like if Sasuke became blonde, then also a dog. The sort of Pokemon that doesn't just have fans, but fangirls.

Alas, it was not to be. We got Raikou instead, and I think the world is for the better. Although, looking at these proto Legendary Dogs, I can see why they're DOGS. Instead of, you know, big cats. Nice to have that mystery cleared up, instead of having to argue with people who think a leopard is a type of canine.


Overall: 4/10

Beta No. 242: Kingdra

I suppose it's worth talking about Kingdra?

I suppose someone, theoretically, might care about Kingdra.

I'm not one of those people, but I admit this version does a lot more to earn its Dragon typing. Wings are a bit tacky, and I wonder who was going around giving curly mustaches to everybody, but hey. The Kingdra we got is no great looker, either. I think the #1 feature for beta-Kingdra is the snout.


Overall: 5/10

Beta No. 240: Likk

"hey, can you just draw the dumbest shit ever?"

"yeah sure boss no problem, one grade-A doofus coming right up"


Lickitung is weird, and Lickilicky sucks, but Likk here is extremely silly. Nobody has mustaches like that if they want to be taken seriously, and I don't know why he has to grab his tongue like that. Also, is there a second tongue wrapped around his head like a turban? That's disgusting, I do not support this. And no offense to the artist, but given the dramatic drop in quality compared to all the other illustrations, I think we know who came last on the priority list.


Overall: 1/10

Beta No. 239: Porygon2

Out of all the beta-version of existing Pokemon, this one is probably the most outlandish.

I mean, it makes a sort of sense - Porygon was polygons, sharp and angular. Now that technology has advanced, they can render smooth shapes, so they make a creature out of spheres to demonstrate it. Absolutely no connection to the duck (or whatever) Porygon was, but hey. It'll make a good tech demo.

The elephant (or rather, lion) in the room, of course, is that this is a dead-ringer for the iconic Japanese mascot for Mr. Donuts - Pon de Lion, A lion with a Pon de Ring donut for a mane.



The only problem is... Pon de Lion was created in 2003. These betas are from 1997. There's a rumor that the designer for Pon de Lion, Yuichi Ito, worked for Gamefreak at the time, but in actuality he just did a commercial for them, for another non-Pokemon game. So I don't know if he was inspired by this almost-Porygon2, or just a synchronicity of ideas.

So, I'm not gonna dock points for copying Mr. Donuts, because apparently Porygon2 came first. And I think if you just colored it the same pink, white, and blue, it would be a better design than the awkward, ugly Porygon2 we actually got.


Overall: 7/10

Beta No. 238: Warwolf

Wasn't there a Rob Liefeld character named Warwolf back in the day? Maybe a Mortal Kombat character?

Regardless, it's a good name. You have to be a badass to back it up, though.


And luckily, Warwolf backs it up and then some. You can tell he's ready to rumble, because he has angry eyes. (see: Cloyster, Gengar, etc) Also, kinda reminds me of Sandslash? Mostly ball-shaped, a clawed version of a previously cuddly little dude, except this is the arctic flavor. I'm all about it. 100% would use Warwolf on my team, if he were real.


Overall: 10/10

Beta No. 237: Wolfman

Who else remembers how broken Sasquatch was in Darkstalkers 3?

I really like those pixel eyes. They read as round, but also the cross makes them look like they're shining.

These eyes are nice and glowy, too! Pokemon needs more Ice-types, especially back then, so I'm in Wolfman's camp to begin with. Let's just do something about that name, cuz otherwise I love the dude. I can imagine the playground debates and internet theories about whether the wolf face is alive, or just a skin he's wearing, what his real face looks like, etc. Mystique like that is important!


Overall: 9/10

Beta No. 234: Plux

Shoutouts to Herculeskabuterimon.

In the beta, an evolution to Pinsir was considered, to mirror Scyther's Scizor. Which sounds cool! But also, it means no Heracross. Which is less cool.

And if I'm forced to pick between Heracross or Plux, I gotta side with my main man. Plux is kinda neat and Pinsir feels like he deserves something (we do NOT talk about that ugly ass Mega), but I do have questions here. Namely, why the mask? It's creeping me out, not gonna lie. Makes it look like one of the Angels from Neon Genesis Evangelion.


Overall: 7/10

Beta No. 233: Scizor

Just a recolored Scizor?

Well... yeah, maybe.

But I think it's different enough to warrant talking about! I like how the head more closely resembles Scyther, plus obviously the coloring. This beta version was a bit more bulky, compared to Scizor's sleek curves. And the claws have more convincing eyes, though the effect is somehow goofier. Honestly I can't say this would have been better than what we got, but I don't think I like it any less. It's equally badass, just in a different way. The Scyther bloodline remains strong, no matter what timeline!


Overall: 10/10

Beta No. 232: Happi

Happi Happi Joi Joi~

It's proto-Blissey! That's about all you need to know, really.


Though it's odd, since Chansey and Blissey put their faces up high on their egg-shaped bodies, it gave the appearance of age. Compared to Happi, who looks "younger" just because the face is larger compared to the body. Odd choice for an evolution.

The one thing I like here is how it's wearing dual egg holsters, like it's about to quick-draw some yolk. And that giant heart seems on-the-nose (this Pokemon has a lot of HP and healing moves!!) but it's better than just being a big featherey egg, at least.


Overall: 4/10

Beta No. 230: Pangshi

He hopped... then he hopped... then he hopped again!!

OK now we're cooking with fire! For those who don't know, a Jiangshi is a Chinese vampire, basically. They're reanimated corpses, but rigor mortis has set in and they're so stiff they have to hop around to move, holding their arms outstretched. The paper talisman affixed to their head are either (ineffective) magical seals, or essentially the address of the deceased's proper burial ground, which the body is attempting to return to. It depends on the myth, of course.


And fusing that concept with a panda, for the sake of a pun, is GENIUS. This artwork here kinda misses the point, a Pangshi would most likely not be able to sit down like this, but hey. Undead hopping panda, what more do you want? I really wish this one had been real.


Overall: 9/10

Beta No. 229: Kurstraw

I love that voodoo that you do so well.

More Ghost pokemon? Sign me right up. Gen 2 was miserable on this count, we only got Misdreavus. A voodoo doll makes for a great base.

Also, it reminds me of the animation for the move Curse, dontcha think? Which was always strange, that's the purpose of a ???-type move that works differently for Ghost-types? Because it's a neat gimmick move, but doesn't really deserve being so special in its classification.

Back to Kurstraw, I like it a lot! Not doing much besides just being a straw voodoo dummy with ears, but that's enough for me.


Overall: 7/10

Beta No. 228: Madame

enormous bitch energy

Madame is the cancelled evolution of Farfetch'd, who always stood out as an odd duck (ha) without much purpose in the game, who only became more irrelevant as the years passed and the gutters clogged and overflowed up with Normal/Flying losers. That outstretched hand looks like she's throwing up a gang sign. I gotta be honest - I thought Swanna was the bitchiest bird ever, but madame has it beat.


Which makes it funny that the artist here decided to make it a cool ninja duck, or something. And credit to them, it does look kinda cool! I wouldn't mess with a pissed off duck in a mask, reverse-gripping a leeksword. But seems like clearly the opposite direction Gamefreak was going. All in all, it's still just a duck with a leek, but both takes give it personality. And I can respect a duck with personality.


Overall: 7/10

Wednesday Ramble

Haven't done one of these in a while, but let's talk about that new Pokemon game, huh?

First, let me say how glad I am that the environments aren't stuck on a grid like Let's Go Pikachu/Eevee. People said they were only like that because it was a retro remake, and I think that's still a bullshit reasoning, but at least it hasn't infected the mainline series. Galar looks like the terrain has contours and gradients, it's an extension of Sun/Moon's aesthetic.

With that said, I'm still disappointed Gamefreak has once again refused to take that next step in terms of presentation of the world. The camera appears locked at a fixed angle again, and you'll be funneled through clear routes. I'm not saying Pokemon needs to become Breath of the Wild and turn into a completely open-ended game that tosses you into the world with no direction, but I do think it's about damn time the games stepped up to where Ocarina of Time was 20 years ago.

Pokemon Gen 8 Starters revealed

Pokemon's coming home.



So they revealed Pokemon Sword & Shield today, and you can turn to more reputable sites for the juicy details. I'm just here to give my first thoughts on the new starters.

Grookey looks like a rascal, we've had a grass monkey before (twice if you count lemurs as monkeys) and I loved it, so here's hoping he evolves into something cool!

Scorbunny looks like an Olympic mascot, or something. He's a footballer hooligan, and will probably be yet another Fire/Fighter. But that's because it's a combo that works, so.

Sobble is the surprised Pikachu meme. He's got personality, at least. We've had water amphibians before, but I like salamanders, so I'm excited to see what he turns into.

You might notice that my take on all of these is basically "I wonder what the final evolution will be", and that's because I care about those a LOT more than the base forms! None of these look offensively bad to me, though they all look like Fakemon. But of course, I've thought that about every new generation since 5, so hey.


Which one would you pick?

Beta No. 227: Electygre

The tiger

He destroyed his cage

Yes

YES

The tiger is out

Look, Electygre is another very good boy. But I think the sprite is unfinished - where are his stripes? Aside from that, there's not much difference from Tigrette. Electygre is just bigger. So while this line would 100% be on my team in a hypothetical Beta Johto run, I'm gonna have to dock a point here.


Overall: 9/10

Beta No. 226: Tigrette

anyone else remember that Texaco U.S. Olympic Animals commercial?


I think we can all agree that this good round boy is our collective son.

I mean really, what more do you want? He's a sparky tiger orb, that's perfect and I love him. If I was in a bad mood I might say that the lightning bolt on his belly is redundant, because his coloring and zig-zag tail already clearly sell the "Electric" theme, but I'm not gonna do my boy like that. He deserves the world, and then some.

Overall: 10/10

Beta No. 225: Ghift

Twice now, the Pokegods have given me an opportunity to review Delibird on Christmas.

Twice now, I have missed my opportunity. We at NAPACE have no excuse - we are simply lazy.


So, beta-Delibird was named Ghift, and looked even more overtly like a lil' santaman. A clear hat and beard, and adorable heart tattoo above its groin? hmm. I can see why that was changed.

maybe I should also point out that Ghift's sack  bag is connected to his body, this time around. People have told me Delibird's sack  bag is connected as well, and sure enough the photographic evidence supports that theory, but I trust my own misconstrued biases and perceptions over "truth" or anything dumb like that. Speaking of perceptions, it's weird to talk about a bird's sack like that. I should change that to bag. I'm going to go do that now.

All that weirdness aside, I can dig Ghift. Delibird is the superior name, and the fluffy beard is better, but maybe a fusion of the two would bring us the santa-bird we've believed in all along.


Overall: 6/10

Beta No. 224: Bomseaker

YO who is this good boy?

I want to meet him. I want to learn more about him. I want to know his name. Bomseaker? Dope, I'm sold.

While we might like some of the designs, it's unfortunately true that most of these beta-mons have had conservative typings, which is no surprise given where Gamefreak's head was at the time. There wasn't really an impetus to fill out the obscure niches, or "play it fair" between the types, hence why Ghosts had to wait until Gen 5 to get their fair shake.

But this! This!! Fire/Water, a type so bold and controversial it hasn't been done yet in the official games! And a seal that balances a flaming ball on its nose is exactly the sort of coked-up nonsense that I love to see. I don't know why he's "Bomseaker", is that ball explosive? Is he a bomb-sniffing seal? Who cares, he's awesome!


Overall: 10/10