No. 467: Magmortar

Also known as Booburn in Japan, which is just about the silliest name I ever heard of.

Okay, note to Gamefreak: stop making new evolutions that are just fat versions of existing Pokemon. That doesn't count as originality, it's just depressing and dumb. I know Magmar was a portly little son of a bitch, but Magmortar looks like he has a beer gut large enough to run for office in Missouri, and the maneuverability of a jelly donut.

Before I really lay into him, let me first give credit where credit is due: arms that are mortar cannons is badassed no matter what. So there's that.

But besides that, it's all fairly odious. The pink is especially distracting - why can't he just have regular red thighs, and orange lips? Or is it a beak, it used to be a beak. Why isn't it a beak? And where'd the legitimate tail go to? Instead we have a flupple whup of a tail.

Another major problem I have is the "flames". His head is on fire, his shoulders are on fire, and his tail is fire. But none of it looks real, it all looks like the fleshy protrusions that sea slugs and nudebrachs have. Which reminds me of a slightly related grievance I have: whenever 3D models of Pokemon are tasked with doing something that doesn't look like it's made of out steel, plastic, or latex, they often fall short. Especially with flames. In Pokemon Battle Revolution, Magmortar's "flames" don't flicker, they just jiggle and wiggle with a cursory particle effect that looks like it came straight out of Runescape 1.0.

It bugs the shit out of me, because it shouldn't be that hard, and yet for some reason it is. Doing non-shitty fur is also a problem apparently, because when I look at Flareon, I don't see something I could snuggle up to, I see a spiky plastic thing. And the rock Pokemon? Plastic McDonalds' toys. It's awful, and I hate it almost as much as the fact that you can't just pick any old team, you HAVE to use a pre-made one. What if I want to make a team of Diglett, Mewtwo, and four Eeveelutions??

Anyway, I went off on a tangent there, but seriously, screw all that crap. Also screw Magmortar, because I'm not letting the big red egg off yet. I don't like the fire design winding its way around his body, and I want to again stress how offensive his lips look. There were many things a Magmar evolution could have been, but "obese semi-racist easter egg with fleshy wigglers" was not one I expected. But I still like the cannon arms.


Overall: 2/10