No. 351: Castform

I tried to use a Castform as my Ice-type in my first run on the Elite Four in Sapphire. I would have to waste a turn using Hail first, then bust out my moves. It worked about as well as you'd expect.

Now, Castform changes with the weather. It has a Water-type form for Rain Dance, a Fire-type form for Sunny Day, and an Ice-type form for Hail.
 

None of the looks are really special, but I guess I like Sunny the most.

One thing bothers me though: Why is basic Castform Normal, instead of Flying? I mean, it's all about weather and shit. Shouldn't it be able to use STAB Razor Wind and stuff? And shouldn't all the forms be Flying/Whatever?

I don't understand why we had to wait until Gen 5 to get a pure Flying type, instead of always pairing it with something, usually the hated Normal/Flying double-suck combination. Those make some sort of sense, since they are really just frigging normal birds who also fly, but Castform isn't normal at all. It's a cloud being, I thought. Strange choice.

Anyway, the gimmick shows off the new weather system nicely, and works well enough. Like most gimmick Pokemon, it won't ever be very strong or useful, but it can be kind of fun. I sometimes wonder what a Sandstorm-style Castform would be like. Does that stack with weather, or is it treated as a weather condition on its own? If it does count, Sandy Castform would obviously be Ground, and would look like a dust devil or something. Just ready and waiting to screw some Oklahoma farmer's crops.


Overall: 6/10

No. 350: Milotic

are those hands or hair?

Milotic is supposed to be super-beautiful or something, and I guess it looks kinda pretty. But Dragonair is smoother and silkier, so Milotic can go eat a ham.

Also, I'm still had at all the bullshit you have to go through to get one of these. And then it has good stats, sure, but it's mainly just a ladylike Gyarados, and that seems completely redundant to me.

Milotic doesn't stand out as unique in any way, and I just hate how presumptuous it is. But I guess the design is okay, and the stained-glass-looking pattern is cool.


Overall: 4/10

No. 349: Feebas

oh, look, it's this sad sack son of a bitch.

Hey, remember Magikarp? Yeah, so do I. His gimmick was that he was an ugly fish that sucks, but evolves into some badass sea serpent! Hey, see Feebas? Yeah, so do I. His gimmick is that he's an ugly fish that rips off Magikarp's gimmick and he sucks and everyone hates him and he's unreasonably hard to catch.

Seriously, screw Feebass. I don't need this shit. You mean to tell me I have to go through this long-ass rigmarole, only to get Gyarados's hot cousin? I should be getting the second coming of Arceus with this amount of work. Christ.

See, this is a prime example of a bad thing. Everyone already accepts how much Magikarp sucks, because we all know he'll be great one day. And we accept running into him all the frigging time, because that's the point, you don't expect such a common and sucky Pokemon to turn into something like Gyarados. But when you make it rare as hell, people expect greatness, and get disappointed, and the frustrated when they have to make a bunch of Poke-blocs or whatever.

Feebass, if I accidentally did manage to catch you while fishing, I'd just throw your sorry ass back in the water, dipshit.


Overall: 1/10

No. 348: Armaldo

Last year's Christmas Pokemon was Muk. This time we have the slightly-less jolly Armaldo.

And by slightly-less jolly, I mean pissed as peas. Armaldo is so angry, his eyes migrated to the side of his head just to turn their sockets into cartoonish ANGRY EYEBALLS. His eyes don't turn, how could they, they clearly aren't round. Instead, they are locked in place, Armaldo's vexatious gaze forever fixed straight ahead. Woe to all who cross it.

Aside from that, Armaldo seems to have given up on actually looking like a hideous ancient deep-sea creature, and settled for "vaguely dinosaurian". Is that why he's mad? He's also got a ton of shit going on, from those wing-cases to the feather spikes to the plate armor. He must be ticked because he's a mess and he knows it, and he can't do a damn thing about it.

Maybe he should drink some eggnog and lighten up. That's what I'm doing. I'm eggnoggier than a Welsh giraffe. And that's pretty damn eggnoggy, let me tell you.


Overall: 4/10

No. 347: Anorith

Now I'm seeing extra eyes everywhere. Are those red slits the true eyes, or just decoration?

I remember picking Anorith because he was a bug thing, and I really like bugs. But, I never ended up using it, and honestly looking at it again, it reminds me more of roadkill than anything else.

But I can tell they were going for the creepy crawly craplicker known as Anomalocaris, an actual fossil from the Cambrian period. But who can blame them? Reality is frigging awesome sometimes, and there would have been weirder choices. For example, Hallucigenia Sparsa:

Now, further research has determined that this should be flipped, walking on its tentacles with the spines are defense, but that relies on their being paired sets of tentacles, when all fossils have shown only that one row of seven.

Also, we still don't know which end is the front and which is the back, what those little tentacles in a clump are for, or even what the hell such a monstrosity was doing on the earth in the first place. But I know I definitely want to see a Hallucigenia Pokemon in the next game.

Anyway, Anorith is a little frigging rip-off, and I'm going to look up pictures of strange deep-sea creatures now.


Overall: 4/10

No. 346: Cradily

those fleshy protrusions on its neck look just... offensive...

Like some sort of dim-witted bird, who gets scared by butterfly wings, thinking "WHOA SHIT that butterfly just sat down and turned into a giant face! Definitely not just opened its wings! I wonder why that keeps happening...", I get confused by Cradily.

I always want to think those spots are eyes, and the yellow thing in its mouth is a tooth. I think it's supposed to be that the eyes are hidden in the slit, glowing yellow, and those spots are just there for decoration.

It's confusing in any case. Also, Cradily reminds me of a plesiosaur with its long neck and stuff. It has become more stylized and animalistic, but still looks quite alien. I like the head, with the eyes hidden ninja-style (if those ARE its eyes), but it looks out of place with the body. Maybe if it has a giant maw instead?


Overall: 5/10

No. 345: Lileep

I think I just killed like a dozen of these in Metroid Fusion

This creep is inspired by ancient plant-animal things, maybe like giant walking barnacle anemones? I've seen pictures of them, they're freaky.

And I like the choice to go with some uncommon fossil animal, instead of DINO DINO THUNDER DINO, like the obvious choice would be. Hell, there's even a Pokemon clone all about reviving dinosaurs. Which is badass, sure, but there's a lot of fossils that aren't dinosaurs.

One thing I'd like to see would be one of those ancient shark alligators, you know the ones. The ones that make the sea thing in Monster Hunter Tri look like fish sticks.

But back to Lileep. It's unique, but, unfortunately, that doesn't make it great. It reminds me of a jar, with something hiding inside, but that "thing" never pokes its head out. Mostly, Lileep is just frigging bizarre.


Overall: 6/10

No. 344: Claydol

I really hope those pink things aren't orifices

Now this guy, this guy looks weird. Claydol look strange, foreign, alien. It looks ancient and inscrutable. This is the vibe they were going for, and they nailed it.

Also, Earthquake and Psychic on a single Pokemon? It doesn't have great offensive stats, but it can punish like a bitch. Tank one shot, and respond with either of two great moves, depending on your opponent's defensive situation.

Unfortunately, it ends up with a dozen weaknesses, but it completely avoids Electric and Ground moves.

The only other complaint I can make it that it doesn't have the spinning theme Baltoy had, but that's minor. Overall, Claydol is a threatening memento of some long-lost pagan tribe, who no doubt sacrificed virgins to their demonic idol.

Take care, Trainer. What you now hold in your pokeball still bears the grudges the old gods had against men.


Overall: 9/10

No. 343: Baltoy

No, it's not a toy you use on your balls, stop giggling.

For non-Japanese people, this one's inspiration is completely obtuse. But to Japan, when they think "ancient aliens" they don't think "Pyramids and Masons, or maybe Atlantis", they think "Dogu", which look like this:

See the resemblance? Kinda? Well, now you know. And suddenly the Spaceman item in Animal Crossing, Huitzil from Darkstalkers, and a few other things make a bit more sense.

But as for Baltoy itself, you remember what I said about a Cosmic type, right? Because that would make a ton more sense for this little dude than being Psychic. In any case, he tries to look like a Dogu-inspired clay top, and he succeeds. I can't really fault him on anything, except not being very impressive.

This review was more educational than critical, I feel.


Overall: 6/10

No. 342: Crawdaunt

Do you remember what I said about 3rd Gen Pokemon with a Dark subtype?

If I remember correctly, I think I said they were PRETTY FRIGGING BADASS.

Cacturne, Sharpedo, Shiftry, and now Crawdaunt.

I don't like them because they are DARK N EDGY JUST LIKE ME CRAWLING IN MY SKIN LINKIN PARK 4 LYFE, no. I like them because they are hardcore hombres who don't take shit from anyone.

Granted, I don't know what that blue patch is on the front of Crawdaunt here. A mouth? Are those lips? I think either the entire front should've been blue, or it should have been left out. But still, he looks like he means business. Pincers with their own teeth, little claw arms (for cutting you up if you get in too close) and a star on his head that he presumably uses as a battering ram.

Maybe his design is a tad messy, but that's how I like my crustaceans: with a lot of plates, spikes, and arms going all over the goddamn place.


Overall: 9/10

No. 341: Corphish

Anyone remember Monster Rancher? Wasn't there a lobster one of those that looked like this?

But still, Corphish is cool. One of the few newer Pokemon friends in the anime to actual have something resembling a personality. When they first found him, he was just burrowing around, kicking ass and not even stopping to take names. And even after being captured, he still gets excited easily and usually destroys something.

And he's a crustacean, which I like. Not to eat, but I like how they are giant, armored, water-going bugs, basically. I always felt sorry for those lobsters in the tanks in the grocery store.

Corphish looks compact, just cartoony enough, and has a sensible, simple color scheme.


Overall: 8/10

No. 340: Whiscash

blargh look at me I'm a fat useless jolly piece of shit!

I've seriously had it with these assholes. Whiscash is just another fat son of a bitch who didn't need to shove his big, dumb face into my life.

To make things worse, he's mis-representing something fierce. Is that a lightning bolt on your head, Whiscash? Why do you have that there, Whiscash? Do you like to think you're an Electric type, Whiscash? Why would you want to look like something you aren't, Whiscash?

I don't frigging get it. A catfish, somehow associated with earthquakes, but also uses electricity? except doesn't? Piss. I've used nearly all of my PG-13 cuss words on this sunnofagun, and I'm running out of steam.

Goddamnit, Whiscash. Why do you even have to be.


Overall: 1/10

No. 339: Barboach

I had catfish once, it was okay

Urg, what a generic, uninspired piece of crap. Grey and limp, Barboach looks like the kind of thing a kindergartner would draw if you told them to draw the fish their step-dad caught when he took them on a fishing trip two weeks ago.

Seriously, I don't give a single fart about Barboach, I'm forcing myself to write things about it, because I just don't care. It's a Water/Ground, which is pointless, because we already have the amazing Wooper and Quagsire.

If I had to pick one word for Barboach: flaccid.


Overall: 1/10

No. 338: Solrock

oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me!!

So yeah, just read Lunatone again if you need to remind yourself about why I don't like these guys.

But, to make them better: new types. I've voiced my desire for a "Sun" or "Light" type, to compliment the Dark type, and to make the Sun Stone represent a type. But then, you still have the Dawn Stone and Shiny Stone which would have no type. I guess one of them could be for Normal types?

"what about the Moon stone", you ask? Well well well, that's my second new type. the "Cosmic" or "Space" type. There are more than a handful of Pokemon that get lumped in with Psychich, just because they are strange and unearthly, not because of any actual psychic abilities. And then there are some that are flat-out associated with space.

Off the top of my head, the Clefairy line, the Elgyem line, Deoxys, Lunatone and Solrock, the Claydoll line, the Metagross line, and Jirachi should be Cosmic type. I'm sure I could find others.


Anyway, Lunatone and Solrock should be classified as Cosmic/Dark and Cosmic/Light, respectively. Or Rock/Dark and Rock/Light. Or, even both being Rock/Cosmic, whatever.

But as things are, Solrock has poor stat distribution for its type, and it doesn't interest me like Lunatone does, which, granted, isn't even very much.


Overall: 3/10

No. 337: Lunatone

Like other bonded pairs, It's hard to talk about Lunatone without talking about Solrock.

So, I apologize if I get some Solrock in your Lunatone or vice-versa.

But my major complaint, right off the bat, is that Lunatone and Solrock have the same typing, and share a large part of their moveset, except Solrock also gets access to moves like Flamethrower and Sunny Day and such. This is supposedly offset by Lunatone specializing in Special Atk and Def, and Solrock in physical Atk and Def.

All of this has the end effect of making two Pokemon who look very different, interact with each other in no way, yet have flip-flopped stats, similar movesets and typing, except one of them has access to other Special Atk moves that it can't use because it has physical Atk.

So, Lunatone is Boring and Solrock is useless. Great.

Tomorrow I'll share my solution, if I was in charge of making some sweeping retcons, but for now I'll just say that I like the moon more than the sun, in a poetic sense and stuff, and I would also like to see the moon from Soul Eater fight the moon from Majora's Mask.


Overall: 4/10

No. 336: Seviper

Really Gamefreak? Not Ripev? Missing out here, guys.

Ooookay, yeah, there's just so much shit going on with Seviper, I don't know where to start.

Gold plates on its back and part of its forehead, random purple splotches, including a jagged one on its "chest", gold nubules on its belly (leg remnants?), red fangs, and a red tail blade. Holy shit, it makes my eyes get tired and confused just looking at it. He is a confusing, redundant mess, and his position on Team Rocket is only more infuriating.

We didn't need another snake, and certainly not one like Seviper.

But, I do want to take a little time to say that I like the idea of a Mongoose and Snake Pokemon being eternal enemies, but it would have worked better if they could've both been super-effective against eachother.

Like, Zangoose is Normal/Ground, Seviper is Poison/Fighting, something like that. As it is, they're just kind of enemies, but they have no mechanics in place to make them such.


Overall: 1/10

No. 335: Zangoose

Now, I know what you're thinking.

"Zangoose? Isn't that the Russian dude from Street Fighter?"

And I'm here to tell you, no, they are not the same. The difference is that Zangief is a mighty tower of Soviet muscle, protecting the skies and grabbing the souls of foolish men. Zangoose is just a poser, trying so hard to be cool, it hurts. He's got the narrowed eyes, the Digimon-esque asymmetry, the "scar" over one eye, hand-claws, and a lightning bolt shaped mark.

If he was just pure white, I'd love it. If it was even symmetrical, that would be a step in the right direction. But I have always hated middle schoolers, and I make no exception for the shit they draw on the inside of their Social Studies textbooks.


Overall: 2/10

No. 334: Altaria

I remember some old Nintendo Power where someone wrote in and described their own Pokemon, and it was a little blue dragon hiding in a cloud.

I don't like it when Pokemon drop a type upon evolving. It's lame, some of the STAB moves I had on you now won't work, what the piss. However, Dragon is infinitely superior to Normal as far as types go, so I'm giving Altaria a pass.

And, a little plus for daring to be a Dragon type without being, well, a dragon. I'd like to see that type get thrown around a little more.

Also, I'd like to reiterate my desire to just cuddle up on a cloud and go to sleep. It's right up there with "ride around in a giant Pelican's mouth" in my book.

Finally, I just like Altaria's color scheme. White and sky blue, simple and soothing. And those cute puffy little cheeks! I think I just want to use an Altaria as a flying bed, actually.


Overall: 8/10

No. 333: Swablu

Halfway to the Number of the Beast! Repent! Repent!!

Is - is this another Normal/Flying type? Is it really? Do I have to smack a bitch? Stop doing this, Gamefreak, it isn't funny.

I mean, why even be Normal at all? Pure Flying would've been completely acceptable for this one, because the wings are made out of clouds and such. With other birds, who are actual birds, I understand them wanting to be able to use STAB Normal moves (although I really don't understand that because Normal moves suck) but for something as clearly fanciful as Swablu, just using Gust and Tornado-poop or whatever kind of moves Flying types have, would be fine.

Because in the end, Swablu ditches the Normal altogether in favor of Dragon, but that's tomorrow. As for the resign itself, it's okay. A little blue cold bird, whatever. Cloud wings? I'm down. I wish clouds were solid enough so I could jump into them like a big old fluffy bed, but I guess not all dreams can come true.


Overall: 5/10

No. 332: Cacturne

You know what takes a lot of time? Flying home and then having a Thanksgiving Dinner that Couldn't be Beat! But I'm back!

And who better to come back to, than one of my favorites, and possibly my favorite member of the 3rd Generation, Cacturne.

Cacturne is a cactus, which I have already established is inherently badass, and he's also a little bit like a scarecrow. And, the face looks kinda jack-o-latern. and to cap it all off, Dark subtype. Didn't I say this before? It was true then, and it is true now. Dark Subtypes make Pokemon great. I don't know how, but it just works.

They use a personal attack called Needle Arm, and apparently their blood has turned into sand from eons spent standing in the desert. I don't think a Grass-type can get more hardcore than this boss.


Overall: 10/10

No. 331: Cacnea

Amingo is my favorite character in Marvel vs Capcom 2.

It's got a lot of spikes, lines, and diamonds going on. But, spikes are badass (especially on a cactus, where they make sense), Cacti have those crease lines, and I can deal with diamonds, because I love cacti so much.

In the anime, when James got a Cacnea, and it always tried to hug him, poking him with its spikes, that was lame. It was just another Victreebell, and did the same thing. And unlike Victreebell, it wasn't funny even the first time.

But seriously, cacti are badass. Amingo is badass, and I am sad that he isn't in MvC3. I love how cacti come in all these crazy-ass shapes, like fans, balls, forks, leaves, and other shit. They're great.


Overall: 8/10

No. 330: Flygon

those goggles are adorable

Okay, Gamefreak doesn't have any excuse for the typing shitstorm going on with Flygon. He doesn't look anything like any stage of an Ant-lion's metamorphosis, he has very clear wings, and those bubble goggles and antenna make him look fairly bug-ish.

Yet, Ground/Dragon.

Bug/Dragon would make sense, the most sense. That would be badass. I could also see Dragon/Flying, or even Bug/Flying. But Ground/Dragon? I get that they want to keep the type constant throughout the line, but maybe, they should have thought more about where they were going when they created Trapinch.

Flygon could be the end of his own, separate line. I could see a larva nymph Pokemon evolving into Vibrava, and then gaining Dragon-like characteristics for Flygon. That would be cool. Meanwhile, Trapinch evolves into a bigger, badder orange sand-bug.

It's too bad all this type junk is going on, because I like Flygon's design. Thinking of him as a dragonfly with the "dragon" part taken literally, he's great. And like I said, those goggles. adorable. I would give him a much higher score, but I just hate the retarded typing so much...


Overall: 7/10

No. 329: Vibrava

Anyone else uncomfortable with that name? No? Just me? Okay.

First off, why is it a Dragon-type? It is clearly a bug. Also, why still Ground-type? also, why does Trapinch evolve into this, which has absolutely zero resemblances whatsoever?

Like, seriously, where the hell did this guy come from? We went from an orange sand-trap Ant Lion to some sort of green dragonfly bastard. what happened.


The typing on this one is just so screwed up, I don't know what to say. What were you thinking, Gamefreak!?


Overall: 3/10

No. 328: Trapinch

Ant Lions aren't actually lions at all it turns out

Man, I frigging love Trapinch. I've always liked the idea of ant lions, ever since I watched Return of the Jedi. Something at the bottom of a sandy hole that sucks you in and wants to eat you? That's a classic boss design, right there. Straight outta nature.

Anyway, Trapinch is cool. He's got eyes that sparkle because he knows he's a star, and he's got giant-ass jaws because he doesn't give a shit about what he bites, he just wants to bite it all.

A Bug sub-type would have been neat as well, but I'll take what I can get. Which is pretty awesome.


Overall: 10/10

No. 327: Spinda

Remember that game you used to play when you were little, where you'd just spin around and around until you fell over or threw up? that game rocked

Apparently there is this algorithm which determines how Spinda's spots go, and there are like billions of possible permutations.

I don't understand why anyone would spend such time on Spinda. It's a cool idea, because every single one should look unique, but Spinda is just such a sucky Pokemon, it doesn't matter. It has poor stats, with only a Normal type, and no cool moves.

Now, if they'd done something like this for, say, a Poison Frog type Pokemon, that would be cool, because I would almost use a Poison-type. Or pretty much any type at all besides Normal, the worst type.

So, points for a cool idea, but it is completely wasted on the likes of Spinda.


Overall: 4/10

No. 326: Grumpig

So, what's the deal with Grumpig? Is he a pig, or what? Why's he grumpy?

He seems pretty happy to me. Maybe because he just evolved out of the nightmarish hell that is being Spoink, and can now do things like rest and "not bounce all the time".

But now, he begins to get a bit complicated. 3 pearls, none of them as large or design-dominating as Spoink's. Two-tone, with what appear to be sleeves. I don't know, it seems a little much. Like, pigs aren't known for their fashion sense, and they tend to be all one color, don't they? They aren't animals with underbellies a different color, or anything.

But in general, Grumpig looks ugly to me. Nothing about him is intriguing in any way, and I don't believe for a minute anyone has ever looked at a Grumpig and said, "I want this on my team".


Overall: 2/10

No. 325: Spoink

Halfway through the Pokedex! Woo!

If Spoink stops bouncing, its heart stops, and it dies.

As we can see from the Coliseum games, and Black and White, when a Pokemon faints, it slows down and stops moving.

Every time you KO a Spoink, you kill it. I hope you're happy, you monster.


Anyway, I understand the whole "Pearls before Swine" thing, but I think the pearl just throws the whole design off. It looks much too top-heavy. I'm not a big fan of Spoink, but I must admit that art makes it look pretty cute. And using the curly pig tail as a spring is brilliant.


Overall: 7/10

No. 324: Torkoal

chugga chugga chugga chugga WOOO-WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I'm totally a sucker for things that hiss steam out of pore and vents, I admit it. that PSHHHHHH sound gets me every time, I love it.

So Torkoal is a dream come true in that regard. Also, he reminds me strongly of The Day the World Broke, an excellent old PC point-and-click adventure game. There was one part where you visited the Iron Works, and there was I think a snail, a turtle, and a few other animals, and they were all Mechanimals, which meant they were part machine, and they all worked together to make iron ingots and stuff. It was neat.

While Squirtle took the "turtle" concept to its aquatic extreme, Torkoal takes it more along the "desert tortoise" route, which is smart. I kinda wish it had some evolution, but it's great like it is. Seriously, I don't have a single actual complaint here, except wishing for more steam-based tortoise goodness.


Overall: 10/10

No. 323: Camerupt

Camels are actually terrifying. Look it up, true fact.

The first thing I notice when I see Camerupt is its three blue rings. Why are they there? They don't mean anything. They don't contribute to any color scheme. They aren't associated with camels, volcanoes, fire, ground, or anything.

It's a textbook case of a fine design having needless shit added to it. I don't know why Gamefreak seems to be more prone to this in the 3rd and 4th generations, but they are. This isn't "over-designed", rather, just having random spots and bands on it.

Still, even with the rings, he looks like he means business, so that's better than dumb 'ol Numel.


Overall: 7/10

No. 322: Numel

"But, the Camel hasn't any O," he managed to say. "The Dromedary," it said, winked a lazy eye, and went away.

Similar to how a Dark subtype makes a Pokemon badass, a Ground subtype makes it more useful. It gives it immunity to Electricity, and gives it STAB Earthquake against Fire, Electric, Poison, Rock, and Steel. And in Numel's case, the Fire typing counters most of Ground's weaknesses, leaving it with weakness to only Ground and Water.

Also, I love the idea of a camel with its humps being volcanos. That's intense.

However, Numel looks like its herping an extraordinary amount of derps. It looks like a frigging plush toy. And why is the caldera green? Lava isn't green. So many kids got confused and thought Numel was pure Ground, or even Ground-Grass, I bet.

I also want to take this moment to talk about something that always pissed me off about the anime, as it went into the Hoenn region: they kept on coming across some people who raise a specific Pokemon for a specific purpose, and everyone always acts like it's such a unique thing, like only Numel could be used to heat water, because it's not like other Fire-types, or even stoves, exist. I remember one such episode, and Max, the little snot, actually says, "I've always wanted to go to a real live Numel ranch!" as if anyone could be excited about taking care of these dopey turds, but I guess Max is the kind of loser who likes pointless shit like that.

Overall: 6/10

No. 321: Wailord

Wailord? more like Wailard, if you ask me!

Wailord is the biggest Pokemon of all time. He's a whopping 47 feet long, and much more voluminous than the other "longest" Pokemon like Steelix and Rayquaza. He weighs 877 pounds, which puts him in the top 10 heaviest, as well.

However, compared to the actual Blue Whale, Wailord's obvious inspiration, it's a featherweight. Blue Whales get up to 100 feet long, and can weigh 200 tons. Which means Wailord is half the size, and less than 1/200th of the weight. Holy freaking shit, I never realized how heavy Blue Whales are before, goddamn.

Anyway, it's a little odd to think that with all the craziness of Pokemon, they still haven't made anything bigger than what we actually have. But maybe that's for the best, because this isn't Digimon, after all. Trying to impress with scale alone often fails, and leads to a size creep. And only a Water creature could possible become that large.

But yeah, Wailord set out to be the biggest, and to be a big fat whale, and it is. mission accomplished.


Overall: 7/10

No. 320: Wailmer

caaaaaaaaaaaaaaan yooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuu speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaak whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale?

Reminds me of Fatty Whale from Kirby Superstar, which is a good thing. That was a good boss.

Wailmer is another truncated Water Pokemon, missing what many consider to be a whale's defining feature: its tail. It also looks about as sentient as dirt, but that's another story.

It's an okay design, not looking too real-world-y, but still obviously a Pokemon. They kept it as simple as they could, with this one. And that's fine, but it isn't anything amazing.


Overall: 6/10

No. 319: Sharpedo

I'm a shark! I'm a shark! Suck my dick! I'm a shark!

Oh no, someone cut Jaws in half! Wait, no, that's just Sharpedo. And he still kicks ass.

He's a Water/Dark type, and as you should know, whenever you see a Dark sub-type, get ready for awesome. Sharpedo is just a frigging torpedo shark, and that's something wonderful right there.

and a shark evolving from a Piranha actually makes a lot of sense, seeing as how they are both predatory fish and all. Like Pelipper evolving from Wingull. If Carvanha looked more sleek, like I pointed out yesterday, the color scheme would probably not be such a jarring change, but whatever. Sharpedo also has a badass X-shaped scar on its head, probably from ramming into mountains and shit. Or maybe it was a close call with a whaling vessel. That Sharpedo inevitably sunk, and ate the entire crew.

Seriously, there's not really much to explain here: he's a shark. He's a torpedo. He's Water/Dark. Just get bent already, rest of the ocean.


Overall: 10/10

No. 318: Carvanha

CHOMP

A piranha that will carve you up, I like it, Gamefreak. However, that's not really anything like what a Piranha looks like. Carvanha looks all jaggedly and rough, hence its ability, Rough Skin, but actual piranhas are mostly smooth. They do have that trademark underbite, and the red belly, though.

And normally that's what a good Pokemon design does, it takes an animal, makes it different, and then adds something badass. But Carvanha, while an okay design, is just too different. If it weren't for the name, I'd think it was just an angry fish.

Also, one thing I've always wondered: You know how they say a school of piranhas can skeletonize a cow in like 2 minutes? How do you test something like that? Were they just dropping random animals in Amazon rivers and seeing how long it would take for a school of piranhas to eat them, or what? Or is a cow the standard scientific measurement of predatory ability? "A full-grown bear can eat an entire cow in 10 minutes", etc. Because, why a cow? Do cows fall into Amazon rivers a lot?


Overall: 5/10

No. 317: Swalot

please don't force me to make a joke about swallowing

If anyone else has read Tove Jansson's Moomin books, they too might be reminded of The Groke when they see Swalot.

The Groke is this monster lady thing, and wherever she walks, the ground freezes, and plants die. Her touch is deathly cold. She seeks warmth and friendship, but is always declined, because she only brings death. She also has been said to swallow people up on occasion.

Actually, that reminds me a little bit of Jynx. A hideous female, with Ice powers, who is always trying to get close to people but they don't want it because it's frigging gross.

Anyway, I like Swalot's design more than Gulpin, because it doesn't look like a gallbladder. It's still a bad spit/swallow Poison type, but at least it got me all nostalgic for a second.


Overall: 4/10

No. 316: Gulpin

oh, what the hell is this, I don't even...

Emoticon for a face. This isn't always a bad thing, but in this case, it's pretty much the worst emoticon. Then they re-use the same "3" shape for his "hands", and stick it all on a bland green sack of piss. With a feather on top, because why the hell not.

Poison-types are usually pretty bad, because Poison doesn't hurt shit, and it only good for Toxic. However, a Poison secondary typing is good, because it gives an otherwise vanilla Grass type Poison resistances and access to Toxic.

However, this is a Poison type with a Swallow/Spit-Up style. Meaning, non-STAB, hard to set up moves on a type I already stated is mediocre. Useless.

And whenever it opens its mouth, I get freaked out. Something that small should not have a mouth that big.


Overall: 1/10

No. 315: Roselia

tiny dancer, in my hand...

See those eyelashes? that means Roselia is a girl. It's important that we have cartoons to teach us these things, or else we'd all get confused.

I like how they handled the concept of "roses" in a new way. Not putting it on her head, not making a rose with teeth/eyes, they turned the hands into roses, making it look a little bit like pom-poms.

also, did you know that isn't not wearing clothes in the back? It seems to be wearing that leaf like a sexy apron, the little tease.


Overall: 7/10

2nd Anniversary!!

Hey, it's the second Anniversary of Not All Pokemon Are Created Equal! Can we call it NAPACE? Yes, yes we can.

Man, 2 years ago, I was just sitting around, thinking about how some Pokemon were just balls, but some were amazing, and I started making a blog about it. I got through the starters, and then lost interest for I don't know what reason.

But then, nearly 10 months later, I remembered it again. And started it back up. And, if I do say so myself, it's been a great success. I've had a lot of fun ranting and raving about these little guys, and I hope you've had fun reading it.

I want to thank all my followers, and give a special shout-out to the dudes (or ladies) in Slovenia, who comprise Napace's second biggest audience after the United States. I didn't even know Slovenia was a thing until I saw you guys popping up in the "audience" stats. Can you even read English? are you all just a bunch of spambots? Are you actually hipsters who set their country to Slovenia as a joke? speak up!

Another interesting fact: the Unown review is by far my most visited page. I think that's because of the alphabet image I used, though. After that it's Cloyster, Exeggcute, Steelix, and Jolteon. If you see a pattern, tell me, because I honestly have no clue why those got so many hits.

Anyway, thanks again for reading. We're stuck in the shitter of Gen 3 right now, but I'll keep on trucking. Because the world just needs to know, that not all Pokemon are created equal.

No. 314: Illumise

Fireflies, by Owl City, actually contains a fantastic bass line.

I like what one guy said: since they are called fireflies or lightning bugs, one of these little buggers should've been Bug/Fire and the other Bug/Electric. It would have made them actually different and memorable, and provided good version-exclusives.

Wait, hold on.

Yeah, okay, it turns out these SHITS aren't even version exclusives. Wait, neither were Plusle and Minun? WHAT THE HELL.

Man, that's just such a bad thing. When you have one Pokemon concept, like "firefly", you either just make the damn Pokemon, or, if you're feeling inspired and think you have two different designs in mind, you should put them in the opposite games, so that each game has a similar-but-different Pokemon.

I mean, that's why Growlithe and Vulpix are exclusives: they are incredibly similar in function, so they split them up.

But Volbeat and Illumise? I don't care if they have some sort of weird love-bug thing going on, there's no reason to waste two spots on a mediocre "dur i dunno a bug mebbe" design. This is the reason why people hate on Bug-types all the time.

and you know what's worse? I peeked, and we aren't going to see another decent Bug until the 5th Gen. FRIG.


Overall: 1/10

No. 313: Volbeat

You ever spent a Midwestern Summer evening sitting on the back porch, watching the dog chase fireflies? It's good times.

Now, is it just me, or is Volbeat strutting his stuff just a little bit here? He's got the supermodel stance going, sticking his ass and chest out, looking over his shoulder with a pouty look, and holding his hands almost to his lips in a "oh, did I do that? I'm such a naughty boy" kind of way.

it's making me a little uncomfortable, actually.

also, they missed an opportunity to make him Bug/Electric, though. I mean, it's called a lightning bug for a reason.


Overall: 3/10

No. 312: Minun

as quickly becoming a trend, I totally thought it was Minum, with an m, up until now.

Yeah, see my Plusle review. Semi-interesting idea, but executed in an aggravatingly Pikachu-imitator-esque way.

I guess all I have to say is that one friend once suggested they make a division and multiplication Pokemon as well. I stopped being his friend shortly thereafter.

so yeah, screw Minun. All my generosity towards these two wastes of space was spent yesterday. They can share that extra point, I'm not giving another.


Overall: 1/10

No. 311: Plusle

My sister and her friend went as Pluse and Minun one year.

"hey look at me guys, I'm totally Pikachu, I swear!"

URG. There was no need for this to happen. All Plusle and Minun did was confuse people who thought they should evolve into Pikachu or something. Gamefreak keeps on doing this, making new electric rodents and shoehorning them into the anime in the hopes they'll be the next Pikachu.

NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

I mean, they didn't even try to pretend they could come up with a new idea. It's still the same mouse-rabbit as Pikachu. If they had seriously tried to make it more bunny-like, then things would be a little different, but whatever.

I only give a point because the Positive/Negative themed abilities is a good idea for a double battle Pokemon.


Overall: 2/10

No. 310: Manectric

Anyone remember the pinheads, from SNL?

Look at Mr. No-Fun here. He's so uptight, he can't even sit down.

While on one hand it's kinda funny that his mane all stood up like Super Saiyan hair, it also looks dumb. And are those tiny slits in the side of his head supposed to be ears? That's kinda creepy.

Also, I don't like how he went from looking all feral to this super hardass cop dog thing. I mean, he already have dog Pokemon that are associated with the police, we don't need any more. Some giant badass thunder wolf woudl've been amazing, but oh well.


Overall: 4/10

No. 309: Electrike

Good dog, best friend.

You don't see many green Electric types out there. I like it, it adds character to an otherwise average design. The rounded-spikey mane he has reminds me of Wolf Link from Twilight Princess, though.

I'm trying to think of something else to say, because I don't really have much of an opinion. He's got a solid design, but he isn't awesome. He's just a dog, doing his duty, being all electric, don't worry. um, he's one of my mom's favorite Pokemon that isn't a Water or Grass type?

I guess he's another one that falls right in the middle. okay, slightly above the middle, because he's a little puppy and that's wonderful.


Overall: 6/10

No. 308: Medicham

YOGA FIRE

I love those kind of pants. Those genie pants, baloon pants, puffy pants, whatever you want to call them. The kind that Djinn wear. Those pants are great. Sometimes you see ninjas with something similar, except it only goes to the knees instead of the calf. either way, I'm a sucker for the "puffy and then suddenly skinny" design of leg coverings.

However, Medicham is in a weird position. He's got even Special and Physical properties, which is good, because as a Supreme Yoga Master he obviously has attained perfect balance of the spiritual and physical, but then his defensive stats are slightly higher than his offensive ones. And neither ones are great either. This too, wouldn't be that bad, because a Supreme Yoga Master should be patient. But then he's got a low Health and higher Speed, which completely contradicts his other stats.

I guess I could see him being an all-rounder, with slight specializations, but none of his stats are high enough to justify them being so even. It's a pity, because I'd totally use Medicham.

also, his shiny sprite is blue, and Meditite's is red. See that? That's smart shiny design right there.


Overall: 7/10