No. 579: Reuniclus

bulbapedia is having some sort of seizure, so please excuse this image from a tertiary source.

Now, this is what I want to see. A tiny baby-style, sitting in a psychic-controlled jelly armor, controlling its arms with its mind and stuff. Also ears.

It makes me think of like an embryo in a mech suit, which sounds wonderfully insane. And because it has big strong arms, that means it can punch things. Ability to punch is something I take very seriously, you know.

I don't pretend to understand the name, or even how to spell it, but Reuniclus is just such a welcome addition to this line that I don't care. He's the first one of them to demonstrate an obvious step-up, and he isn't conflicted about whether he's fusing or dividing. He may be slow, but he hits hard and had the HP to take a few lumps. c'mon over here and give me a bear hug, buddy.


Overall: 10/10

No. 578: Duosion

I never picture this guy as being twice as big as the Solosis, but it is.

Now, Solosis has "solo" in its name. Because it's two cells becoming one, I guess. Which is strange since they never do that. Maybe it meant it's one solo cell just about to become two? that would make more sense, especially since it leads into Duosion. Who is again only one thing. Except for a tiny little thing at the top.

Okay, did I miss something? This evolutionary line is gonna be like a cell replicating and multiplying, right? the naming and first one suggest so. Then why's this guy like not even a half step forward along that line!?

Don't tell me it split into the lower, more developed body and that tiny top bit. that's moronic. It looks like it fused rather than split, given that line down the middle. waitaminute, where's the little yellow crap? did that turn into the tiny chunk? what's going on here?

Duosion would be a good first-stage, if he was named Solosis. Then he could proceed to split, and become a larger and not-as-suggestive Solosis (named Duosion). Then that would set up the third guy for being two separate entities. Instead the line tries to do both at once, and only succeeds in making me glad Duosion doesn't look like a butt. It's bad, but for a different set of reasons.


Overall: 3/10

No. 577: Solosis

Freud would've had a field day with this one.

Look, I don't like to make sex jokes. They're tasteless and vulgar, and often thrown around for cheap shock jokes. I'll use most of the swears, but I really don't like to talk about obscenely biological things that much, because what if your mom was looking over your shoulder when you read NAPACE? she'd blush something fierce, I'd bet. but there's no getting around it with Solosis, so here goes:

It looks like a floating green ass with a gaping vagina right in the middle. Or gaping asshole, if you're into that sort of thing.

I know, I know, it's supposed to be a cell undergoing the process of mitosis, but even that ends up looking like boobs at best. Hell, those dividing lines are even scientifically known as the Cleavage Furrow! Sure made us all giggle back in high school biology I'll tell ya what. also, what is that little yellow squiggle supposed to be? the tail of a sperm wiggling into an egg? Filthy.

Solosis is just disgusting to me, and makes me think about genitals WAY more than I like to when I play Pokemon. Get it out of here. The only thing remotely redeeming about it is that the concept of a giant single cell is actually kinda neat.


Overall: 2/10

No. 576: Gothitelle

someone call Lady Gaga I found her the perfect Pokemon


well, now there are only 5 bows. That's a little more manageable. But on the other hand, Gothitelle looks like she's the biggest bitch of a star ever upon the world's ugliest Christmas tree. I have never been a fan of drawing a triangle with a head and arms at the top and going "this is the female form", and this one isn't helping.

What's really getting to me, though, is her hair-things. buns? wings? I'm not even sure what to call them. But they flap up and down, like a pair of of enormous monochromatic bellows, pumping air into her swollen head. It's stupid, is what I'm saying.

Gothitelle just looks like a character from an old cartoon from the 30's, not a Pokemon. The way she flops about, especially. I can tell the designers didn't really have any idea what they were doing and any point in this evolutionary line, and when they got to the end they just sort of threw their hands up in the air and traced something from Ub Iwerks.


Overall: 2/10

No. 575: Gothorita

happy christmas to everyone, now get off the freaking internet and spend some time with your family already, sheesh.


but first, holy piss shit that is a lot of bows. That is a Bow Overload, a Bowverload. Not 3, not 4, not 5, but six, count'em SIX bows. Four in the hair, and two on the bod. Why someone would need so many bows is beyond me.

Gothorita seems to be adopting the modern fashion model trend of glancing to the side with a heavy-lidded, half-dead stare. "I don't give a damn who beautiful you think I am" is what they are trying to say, but to me it's always communicated "wow I'm bored I really want this shoot to be over so that I can go home and maybe eat an entire graham cracker"

Actually, you know who this looks like? That one girl who partners with you in Diamond and Pearl, Marley I think it was.

Yeah, I was right! Man, Gamefreak really missed out. They should've saved this character until later, or brought Gothorita up earlier. Because these two are just perfect for eachother. Maybe Marley could use more bows, though...


Overall: 6/10

No. 574: Gothita

Shout-outs to Mauro Richard Kousek, the guy is a comment MONSTER, I can see he's been burning through the backlog by the copious comments he leaves. Attaboy, Mauro!!


Finally, the Gothic Lolita fashion trend comes to Pokemon. I'm personally not a fan, and I'm actually slightly disturbed to see ANOTHER baby-esque Pokemon with such prominent lips. If it was only Smoochum, I'd say it was an outlier, but a second time? Gamefreak, you have some unresolved issues that I don't want to hear about.

Gothita itself is a bulky and slow Psychic type, just like the Munna line, and the upcoming Solosis line. I guess it's different from the usual Speed-and-Special-Attack-only archetype you see a lot, but I really wished I had something Psychic and quick besides the living nightmare known as Sigilyph.

But I have to say I love the white/black color scheme, especially fitting due to the names of the games.


Overall: 5/10

No.573: Cinccino

Now, I know some evolutions make no sense and are hard to follow, so stay with me here.


Imagine Minccino. And now, imagine it again, but wearing a bunch of curly shit. Okay, I know that was a stretch, so I'll go over it again.

Take Minccino, and add some curly fluffy scarf-like tails to it. Just all over it really. It's just Minccino with scarves. Are you following me so far?

Okay, also its regular tail disappears, but otherwise that's all it is. I realize your mind might be reeling right now, but if you just take some deep breaths you'll be fine.


seriously what the heck. I know some Pokemon whose alternate formes look more different than Minccino and Cinccino. If you'd told me one was male and the other female, like Unfezant, I'd have believed you.


Overall: 2/10

No. 572: Minccino

Yeah, I like my coffee with two shots of espresso and a little minccino


About 50% of the Unova Pokedex is just new Pokemon filling in for niches that needed to be filled. Rodents, birds, Ground/Water, rock monster, bat, etc. So I guess Mincinno is supposed to be the Jigglypuff/Clefairy analogue.

Except that while I understand the need to rodents, rock monsters, and the like, no one asked for another Clefairy. I really don't get the appeal of these bland Normal-types - they can get any super effective STABs, and while they learn a large movepool, they often don't have the stats that others do to make use of them. Enlighten me, why would anyone want to use a Minccino?

Aside from it being cute as shit, I mean. Gamefreak has learned nothing if not how to make cute critters. They might not have learned to make unique cute critters, tho. I'm covering up the ears and tail, and I'm seeing a grey Plusle. Or a grey Pikachu with almond eyes. Or any number of other tiny, adorable, easily-marketed-in-Japan animals.


Overall: 3/10

No. 571: Zoroark

master of the Three Sword Style, they call him Poke Hunter Zoroark.

Damn, call the anime police, we have a SSJ3 werewolf on the loose. I'm not sure what is even going on with that coloration - the very tip looks again like a paintbrush, but then it defies all expectations and turns red again, all the way to the roots. Except then there are frosted black tips! That hair really doesn't know what the hell is going on, and neither do I.

aside from that, Zoroark is cool. He looks ready for action, or at least sneak attacks. Also he specializes in Special Attack, something you don't see very often from Dark-types. Pity he learns his signature move, Night Daze, so late. Also I am just now realizing that the things Dark-types are meant to counter often have more Sp. Defense than Phys. Defense, so Zoroark being the exception is really kind of a bad thing.

He reminds me of Lucario for some reason, and if he was Dark/Fighting I would totally use one. As it is, there are just so many other badass Pokemon with a Dark subtype that I can't really justify messing around with him. For the "first revealed Pokemon" of the generation, you'd think he'd be more special, pack more of a punch, but he's still solid.


Overall: 7/10

No. 088: Grimer

And now just look at this pile of crap.

wait, I don't mean that in a bad way! Grimer is a living pile of sludge, and he is ready for some fondling. Just look at those arms. Grimer loves nothing better than to work up a good stank and then just fondle the shit out of some - hey wait. wait just a goddamn minute.

I remember doing this guy before, what's going on here?

Zorua, is that you?

No. 569: Garbodor

Garbodor - name brought to you by the geniuses behind "Conkeldurr"


On one hand, living trash monsters, a horrifying lesson in toxic waste come to life, like Hedorah, are inherently frightening and serve to teach us a lesson about how we treat the planet and all our refuse. On the other hand, Garbodor is just fucking awful.

I'll admit that the name isn't as random as it first sounds, it's a combination of garbage and odor. But I can't admit that the color scheme is anything but queasy, or that the large amounts of shit and dirt make me curl my lips in distaste.

It's an ugly Pokemon, and I know it was created to be so. The arms are misshapen and asymmetrical on purpose, I get that. Actually, the design wouldn't be so bad if it was a Digimon or JRPG enemy. But in no way does it look like a Pokemon. I have never liked the idea that these Poison-types are actual pollution brought to life, and I especially don't like it being as obvious as this. I prefer my Pokemon to NOT look like a reject from the TMNT actions figure line, thank you very much.

Garbledarble here can piss up a rope, and what the hell are those pink and blue things anyway.


Overall: 1/10

No. 568: Trubbish

oh shit.

If they wanted to make a sad sack of a Pokemon, the kind that makes you want to wretch when you see it, they succeeded.

Trubbish is just ugly and lopsided, with a mongoloid overbite somehow the second worst thing on a puke-green body. No, the worst thing is those "arms". I hesitate to call them that, because they look an awful lot like feces and garbage spilling out of the sides, with a few candy chunks inexplicably thrown in. They remind me of how sometimes you see corn in your turds, honestly.

You see,  Trubbish is a garbage back full of shit. There's just no way of looking at it that doesn't come back to this fact, that doesn't involve me thinking "gee I wonder what 68 pounds of dogshit smells like". This is a lesson - just because you can make an unappealing craptastic Pokemon, doesn't mean you should.


Overall: 1/10

No. 567: Archeops

look, don't get so down on yourself

I mean it, Archeops. You've got wonderful stats, with ridiculous Attack and a strong Speed, so don't throw it all away! I mean, you can use Stone Edge to STAB a lot of things and take out those pesky Ice types, Earthquake to deal with 3 of your other weaknesses (Rock, Steel, Electric), and Acrobatics to smack anyone around with a STAB 110 base power! Listen to me, Archeops, you've got a lot going for you!

I know other people will tell you that you look like a snake is exploding out of a chicken, or that having every single primary color as well as green is a bit more mardis gras than Pokemon, but you don't listen to them, Archeops, you don't listen! Please, I'm begging you! Nooooooooo!


Well, that's done it then. You've gone and lost more than half your health, so now what are we gonna do. Waggle at the opponent? I loaded you up on physical Attack moves, but c'mon. This is disgraceful, this is. Go wallow in self-pity Archeops, I don't need you anymore. If not for such a horrid ability I might give you an 8, and if you were a bit less fabulous it might even be a 9. But as it is... Don't get hit, is my advice.


Overall: 5/10

No. 566: Archen

look at this filthy feathery fu-wait, what?

Hold on, this is a bird thing that isn't Normal/Flying? is that legal? Can they do that? I guess they did.

You know, speaking of dinosaurs and feathers and such, I'm not so sure I'm keen on the idea that Tyrannosaurus Rex was feathery. Like, that just rubs me the wrong way. A few dinosaurs I'll allow, they can have some amount of feathers, but the Big T should just be 10 tons of tyrannical thunder lizard scale and muscle and teeth, not weak shit like feathers.

Also, what about Brontosaurus and Apatosaurus? Who may or may not be the same person? You see "scientists" willing to sprinkle feathers willy-nilly over Velociraptors and Allosauruses, but you never see them put feathers on the herbivorous ones. Like, what the dick would Triceratops use feathers for? Or Ankylosaurus. It would be ridiculous, and I refuse to believe in such things. Also spellcheck needs to step their dinosaur-related game up majorly, the only one it recognized was Brontosaurus.

Oh yeah, Archen? Meh. It's alright, I guess, if you like ancient birds. (I don't really)


Overall: 5/10

No. 565: Carracosta

you gotta say it with a Latin flair - ¡Carracósta!


Tirtouga was boring, but Carracosta is rockin'. I'm a big sucker for those kind of helmet-plate-things that cover the upper jaw and stuff, like a ton of Digimon have. Blazekin also. I think they did a good job of making him like the 4th "turtle" Pokemon, but different from even the other, more famous Water one. Colors look good together, and it even looks like he's wearing a flotation device vest.

which is appropriate, because one of his moves, Shell Smash, greatly raises his offensive stats, as the cost of lowering his defensive ones. It's a cool concept, that he'd just take off the damn shell like Rock Lee taking off his weighted ankle bracers, and isn't that bad of a move (as far as stat-boost moves go).

The guy isn't perfect, he's got a typing we've seen several times before, and as noted, we've seen turtles before, too. But I guess the point is that he doesn't make it seem old hat. also I love that name.


Overall: 7/10

No. 564: Tirtouga

Yaay! Another turtle!

But it's a sea turtle, not a pond turtle or a tortoise! yaay?

Most of the fossil Pokemon are, frankly, dumb. They either end up too strange and bizarre to be cool, or too boring to justify being fossilized and preserved and then brought back to life. Tirtouga falls into the latter category.

It's just a generic sea turtle that like in Finding Nemo, only that one was kinda cool. Tirtouga isn't. In fact, I'm now starting to get a tiny bit pissed. what business does he have being do damn boring, when we just had Cofagrigus the other day? c'mon, Unova, get your head back in the game.


Overall: 2/10

No. 563: Cofagrigus

in Japanese its name is Deathcan which is pretty nice you have to admit


you guys this guy is just so freaking awesome I don't even know if I can properly convey it

I mean, it's a goddamn sarcophagus with four ghostly hands. And the centerpiece of it opens and closes to reveal this evil face, that's somewhat reminiscent of how Tangela, Shellder, and old-school Jynx have "hidden" faces. Also note Yamask's mask just chilling there. nice touch. the colors are even great, that gold-and-blue instantly says "hey dipstick I'm Egyptian if you don't like it then suck a camel".

you see, it's a Ghost-type (which I like) that specializes in Defense (which is unusual) and it learns some neat move combinations. Hex is a welcome addition to the Ghost Pokemon moveset, but combined with Will-o-Wisp and Cofagrigus' high potential to turtle, it becomes great. Or even better, Toxic and use Protect to buy some extra turns.

The name itself is a little clunky, I'll admit, but there are just so many shit-slapping nicknames you can give this guy with an Egyptian theme. Anubis, Osiris, Ramses, King Tut, The Tutster, ur mummy, Mumm-ra, Tutty K., Luxor, Tha Big Tut, Ankha, Tuttin n Struttin, Cairo, Tut Tut it looks like Rain, Slimeball McCoy, DIO, The Giffer, and Courtney.

Okay, half of those were just increasingly silly names for King Tutankhamen, but you get my point. Cofafrigus gets 4 ghostly thumbs up.


Overall: 10/10

No. 562: Yamask

have we been over how Ghost-types don't make any sense?


Because they totally don't. If they're real honest-to-goodness GHOSTS, as in the spectral remains of dead people, as some of the Pokedex entries claim, then I'd say there are some ethical issues about catching them in Pokeballs. But then how can they breed and make eggs? I'm pretty sure the first rule of being dead is that you can't make any more babies.

then some of them like Banette are said to be demonic entities borne out of some supernatural grudge. Which means that those moms were right and Pokemon is about raising demons. But then shouldn't they be Demon type? and what do each of these have to do about evolving?

I mean, according to the dex, Yamask remembers its former life, and carries around a mask representative of its human face. and then you just go and enslave it. I dunno, it seems wrong. Especially since it'll evolve into Cofagrigus, who has an entirely different origin story. In the end, I choose to mostly ignore the pokedex, since it seems to have been written by the same guy who does Toriko, exaggerating everything and in most cases just making shit up.

uh, as for Yamask itself, it's pretty neat. Black, red and gold makes a striking color combination. It also really doesn't look like anything specific, which works for a Ghost-type.


Overall: 6/10

No. 561: Sigilyph

bleu? whay? huhn?

wait hold on - this is a Pokemon? someone actually sat down and coded this nightmare into the game? On one hand I'm relieved, I thought perhaps I was being cursed by an Ancient One.

On the other hand this is an incredibly awful Pokemon.


Let's get the obvious out of the way - Sigilyph is inspired by the Nazca Lines, which are totally real things and arguably the work of aliens. But that in no way excuses what happened next. They decided to take such a thing and turn it into a Pokemon. Why did they think this was a good idea? Were they high? Drugs must have been involved.

There are six - count 'em - SIX colors involved on this. And all of them are awful. It's supposedly a Flying-type, but those wings cannot support any sort of body. In fact, the whole design is like that - seemingly random, fragile appendages sprouting off of a bulbous, radish-like body. Oh, and three eyes because why the hell not. And it's Psychic because that's what Gamefreak does when it has no goddamn clue what to do with the design it just came up with, they make it a Psychic-type.

Sigilyph is just so damn insane, I almost can't believe it. It's like a feverdream or something. Shit, I think I'm losing sanity points thinking about it.


Overall: 1/10

No. 560: Scrafty

say that to my face not online and see what happens


I think the concept works better in the second stage. That hoodie looks fly as hell, and the mohawk is really selling his punk attitude.

now I want to take this time to talk about pants. Pants are important, because they cover your legs up when its cold, and if you have ugly legs then other people don't have to see them. If you have thin or regular legs, skinny jeans are neat, because they hug the curves and make tha ladeez go krayzee. If your legs are incredibly skinny, like twigs and shit, then consider regular pants because skinny jeans will make your legs look like toothpicks. If you have fat legs then just buy whatever will contain them, I guess.

also, big baggy poofy pants are amazing for lazing around the house in. Like, I have a pair of sweatpants that's like 5 sizes too big and my legs feel like they're in heaven. I wouldn't wear it outside, of course, but I admit that the size of pants Scrafty is packing is right up my alley. So, props to him for being bold enough to take those bad boys outside.


Overall: 6/10

No. 559: Scraggy

The initial design pitch for this guy must have been hilarious.

"Hey, I've got this great idea! It's a Fighting/Dark type, okay?"
    "Sounds good, that's a new combination."
"And it's like this tiny gang banger, okay? So it's got all this attitude, and it headbutts everything!"
    "yeah, yeah, I like it! What kind of animal is it based on?"
"I dunno a lizard or something."
    "okay, I'll take it. Let me just - "
"No you didn't let me finish. Also it's got these baggy pants and it can stretch them up to its neck or whatever to protect itself!"
    "holy shit what"
"it'll be great, trust me. also the pants are made of its own skin. also its got a face like it's permanently dropping a deuce."
    "look you obviously need psychiatric help but we're strapped for time so we'll just have to use it."


seriously, I have no idea what the hell they were thinking. Scraggy is doing his best to NOT make me think of foreskin, but he's not succeeding. I kinda like the idea, but the actual execution of it is just freaking the piss out of me.


Overall: 3/10

No. 558: Crustle

My dream job would be a Space Wailord Scrubber. Why? 50% Bustles, 50% Crustles.

poor guy, looks like he's being squished. why he chose such a heavy piece of rock is beyond me. Or actually, I should be wondering where he found that piece of rock.

Look at it, it's got that stratification that happens as you go deeper into the Earth's crust! And it's such a perfect cube, too. How'd he get it? Rock like that isn't just lying around. You'd have to dig deep and precise to find such a hunk of stone and dirt.

See, Crustle is just not exciting to me. Aside from the fact that his name sounds like a veneral desease, he's just a pissy buy with tiny nippers hiding beneath an out-of-place rock. If the stone had parapets or something, that would be awesome, but as it is, I feel more pity for his sucky existence than anything else.


Overall: 2/10

No. 557: Dwebble

I was wondering when a hermit crab would appear as a Pokemon

I guess I was expecting something more extravagant  like maybe a crab living in a badass helm, or like inside a castle or something? Because this is really just a little guy living in a rock, and that already happens in nature.

On another note, Bug/Rock is a surprisingly good type combination. They both have a ton of weaknesses, but combined, only 3. And no double-weaknesses. so there's that.

Finally, I really think that's a dumb name. Appropriate for a kinda dumb Pokemon, but yeah. Dwebble. Reminds me of dweeb.


Overall: 3/10

No. 556: Maractus

Did you remember how much I like cacti?

the answer is "a lot". I like them a lot. Amingo, Cactuar, Togemon, Cacturne, and now I can add Maractus to the list of anthropomorphic cacti whose company I enjoy.

So, Maractus is a cactus that dances and shakes its booty like a maraca, I can dig it. Doesn't evolve, which is a pity, but I still prefer it to Lilligant. Maybe they should all meet up with Bellossom and have a dance-off?

I'm not gonna lie, this review is like 90% personal bias. The thing looks cute, the face and ears remind me of Kyuubey, and it isn't garbage if you want to actually use it in-game. I'd give it a big hug if it wouldn't poke me full of holes! And if it wasn't a virtual collection of data... ;_;


Overall: 8/10

No. 555: Darmanitan

oh gosh is that a little puff of steam right there in the official art oh wow that is adorable

There's a running theme with these Gen 5 Pokemon: power creep has set in, and they are here to run a train on your shit. Darmanitan has Physical Attack for days, and decent speed to boot. Plus Sheer Force boosts attack power by 30%, so he hits like Hulk Hogan on fire.

But I also love his design. Giant flaming eyebrows? holy check, yes. And did you see his teeth? Darmanitan isn't any dumb herbivore, this boy is a straight-up carnivore. And what he eats is everything. See, it's based on a gorilla, but very loosely. The body retains that round shape of Darumaka, and it just looks like a natural evolution.

Now, I suppose I ought to talk about Zen Mode.


I'm not really sure what to think about this one. If Darmanitan has its hidden ability, when it goes under 50% health, it goes into Zen Mode. In this mode, it trades Attack for Sp. Attack, and loses its speed in exchange for pretty good defense. Also, gains a Psychic sub-type.

This is a strange sort of idea, and doesn't work very well in practice. You see, no matter how many beefy Sp. Attack moves you load it up with, you won't get to use them. It triggers at the end of the turn you lose more than half of your health, and on that next turn, you'll move too slow to do anything. That added defense doesn't help, because your health will be so slow.

If he could just switch forms whenever he wanted, with a unique move or something, that would be usable. But as it is, regular Sheer Force Darmanitan is just too damn good to waste time mucking about with Zen Mode.


So in the end, Darmanitan is absolutely great. Zen Mode is lame. But fortunately, it's completely optional, so no harm no foul. Still kicks ass.


Overall: 10/10

No. 554: Darumaka

references to Japanese culture things are okay when I already know about them

See, there's this Dharma ball guy and you're supposed to shade in one eyeball and make a wish, then when it comes true you shade in the other. I've got like 20 of these suckers, all blind in one eye. It's a scam, I tell you.

I feel like between the monkeys, the firefighters, and Magmortar, we've been needing a completely original Fire Pokemon. And Darumaka fits the bill. First, he's all about the physical Attack, which is kinda unusual for a Fire-type. And of course, he isn't like anything else.

He's a hyper-active little ball of asswhooping, that's what he is. Nice warm color palette, plus he learns Flare Blitz all by himself before even evolving. Gamefreak wasn't messing around with this guy, he's here to hit things with physical Fire moves, and that's about it. Which he does quite well.


Overall: 8/10

No. 553: Krookodile

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm thankful that Krookodile's nose only kinda looks like a penis, instead of being unbearably phallic!


So, we're red now. That's kinda random, because the type didn't even change, but whatever. The shades are now also approaching Kamina-levels in terms of sheer attitude, or maybe more like Doflamingo-levels.

Krookodile is a freaking beast. Earthquake and Crunch, gg everything else. What's that, you're Flying? Tough luck, you get Rock Slide, go screw yourself. I dunno about you, but mine was faster than the west wind and hit harder than a Mack truck. And he enjoys being the engine of destruction that he is, you can tell it in his eyes. You can tell he is about to absolutely ruin someone's day.

Speaking of evil crocodiles that have sand-based powers, I'm beginning to think that this was all just one big Sir Crocodile reference, like from One Piece. Which only makes it better, honestly.


Overall: 9/10

No. 552: Krokorok

Also known as "That Pokemon who's name is spelled the same backwards and forwards"

But seriously, look at this sly smug son of a snake. Look at that stance, that gaze, that crossed arms. Holy SHIT is he full of himself. He's so full of shit, it's pouring out his ears, which he doesn't have.

Anyway, he's a croc that decided to stand up, and is still wearing sunglasses. The stripes are getting a little visually confusing, which might have been what they were going for, but I'm still gonna complain. The belly being pink, yet the stripes continuing across it looks weird to me. Most animals with patterns on their self, have an entirely different underbelly.


Overall: 6/10

No. 551: Sandile

What's that? Totodile wasn't enough alligator for you, you want a crocodile, too?

Are you even sure you know what the difference is? Because I'm not sure myself. All I know is, they are both definitely reptiles that swim a lot.

Sandile happens to be a cute little croc that wears glasses and I guess lives in the sand, but I'm willing to suspend by disbelief because of how goddamn much his face looks like an Animal Crossing character's face. Doesn't it? Doesn't he look like he ought to be named Croco or something?

Anyway, Ground/Dark is a fresh new combination, and Sandile doesn't look a thing like Totodile. Good show.


Overall: 7/10

No. 550: Basculin

Like Shellos before it, Basculin comes in two different flavors.


The Red Striped Basculin, commonly found in Black regions, has a noticeably spicy tang to it. Best smoked for 2 hours, or until the skin naturally peels away.



The Blue Striped Basculin, native to White waters, is noted for its tenderness and sweet flavor. Recommended cooked with basil and garlic at 400 degrees for twenty minutes, or until a golden brown.


Seriously, these guys are dumb fish is all. They have some sort of rivalry, like a Pokemon version of the legendary Jets / Sharks feud, or even worse, Packers / Bears. But on their own, neither one is interesting enough to use. They have barely passable stats, and are outclassed by tons of other much cooler Water-types.

It was a neat way to use up two generic fish designs on one Pokemon slot, and for that I commend Gamefreak, but I'd still rather eat them than battle with them.


Overall: 3/10

No. 549: Lilligant

apparently this one is real popular

is it because it looks like a girl wearing a dress

are you trying to sexualize Pokemon on me again

except this time it's moe as balls, instead of curvy like a french cartoon.


Anyway, I don't care much for it. Another generic collection of leaves and a flower. We already had a dancing Grass-type, her name was Bellossom. I appreciate that Lilligant only learns dancing moves upon level up, that's a nice little gimmick (like Throh leaning mainly throws) but it doesn't do much to make me think this wouldn't have been better off as a Bellossom evolution.

Which would be the fourth stage, I know, but let's talk about that. Why is it that Pokemon only go up to 3 stages? are they afraid to unleash the floodgates, with Digimon-style "we'll just add stages until we run out of ideas or go bankrupt" leveling? I suppose it's for the best. 3 is a manageable number, just like 2 types is fine. I think more moves might be a possibility, though...

anyway, Lilligant is elegant yet doesn't have shit to do with lilies. Her design is graceful and all, but it looks more like some Touhou girl than a Pokemon to me.


Overall: 4/10

No. 548: Petilil

the most memorable of Pokemon


Seriously, this shit is generic. Looks like something I'd cut up and throw in a salad, if I was into rabbit food. I mean, what even sort of plant is it? Most Grass-types are inspired by a particular plant, but this one just seems to be maybe a bulb of some sort. Despite its name involving "petal".

See, we're in that part of the generation where some of the Pokemon's designs have been getting more creative, but the typings and in-game niches are still being refilled. And as I've said many a time before, this is fine, because it's 150 all-new Pokemon, Oddish doesn't even exist anymore, they have to have something to take that place. And Petilil does that, except it's not as memorable as Oddish, who was like a little mandragora baby or something.

I don't give a damn about Petilil so hard, that the room is actually growing colder over here.


Overall: 2/10

No. 547: Whimsicott

Since I got denied of my giant-wooly-sheep Pokemon with Ampharos, I'm glad to see this one.


missed opportunity was not giving it a Flying-subtype, because then Hurricane would be even more devastating; Wait, no, it screwed me over enough times as it is. STAB Hurricane would make me very angry. Speaking of, I've always pronounced it "Hyur-eh-cain", but apparently it's just "Hurr-eh-cain". You know, like it's spelled. I don't know why I call it differently, I also mispronounced "genre" apparently. Look, I've forgotten what the original point of this paragraph is, so I'm just going to start a new one.

Whimsicott looks wonderfully fluffly, makes me want to ride on it or sleep on it like a big ol' cloud. I'm still salty that you can't actually sit on a cloud, that's bullshit. They look so comfortable. Actually, not sure if Whimsicott would be comfortable, since raw cotton is famously gritty and a pain to work with.


Overall: 7/10

No. 546: Cottonee

watch out, it'll shrink in the wash!

Cottonee reminds me of that Skiploom line from Gen 2, except where that line just had a bad movepool and horrid stats, this one has a focus on defense and speed, oddly enough.

um, I don't have much to say about this ball of fluff. I kind of ignored him in-game, and intend to do so out of game as well. I can't think of anything bad about him at all, but nothing remarkable either. I want to rub one of these guys up against a Mareep and see what would happen, though.


Overall: 5/10

No. 545: Scolipede

saw a gigantic house centipede the other day, shit was scary I tell ya w'hat


Scolipede, on the other hand, is just plain awesome. I love this guy. He can probably still roll up into a ball if he wants, but he can also walk around like a horse or something. He's got those antenna still, but now they're obviously sharp and dangerous.

and the way his neck arches back, and you realize that's actually an upper body with legs and all, is just great. I want to ride one. because look at his speed stats, he goes fast, despite the fact he's the biggest and heaviest of all the Bug Pokemon. and then he hits moderately hard, too.

Maybe he doesn't have the best movepool, but he's a badassly unique-looking centipede who knows a move called Steamroller. Ain't no way this guy isn't getting a good score. Guys like this remind me why I like Bug types.


Overall: 10/10

No. 544: Whirlipede

reminds me of those M.C. Escher things, the centipedes with human feet who curled up into balls and rolled around defying gravity and stuff.

So, I promised better, and here it freaking it. This pillbug just rolled up so much, it became like a wheel. Like a steamroller, ready to crush you like Dio Brando crushed Kujo Jotaro. Except, without that whole thing backfiring and getting exploded. Look, he'll run you over, is what I'm saying.

Again, it's a "cocoon stage", but holy piss, is it the best cocoon I've ever seen. This is how you make things new and cool, people. Whirlipede suffers from chronic lack of good stats (cept maybe defensive ones), which is a pity, because I want him to roll around at the speed of sound, like some sort of insectoid Sonic the Hedgehog.

Actually, I want him and Donphan to face off. Donphan has the type advantage, but can you imagine these guys wheeling into eachother? To drop yet another reference, it would be like if you crashed those cycle-things from MIB III into eachother. Except each one is as wide as a firetruck. And the whole thing is on fire.

That's how awesome it would be. A pity Whirlipede can't quite reach such heights on his own, because he's damn near perfect.


Overall: 9/10

No. 543: Venipede

there's always another bug.

Venipede is more interesting than Sewaddle, I'll give it that. Unique coloring, distinctive head-and-tail appendages. But man, between this one, the last one, Wurmple, Caterpie, and Weedle, we've got a whole bunch of grubs on our hands. Even more if you count Burmy, but I'm still trying to pretend that one was just a bad dream.

Ah, anyway, Venipede is obviously venomous, because Bug/Poison is something we've never seen before. But in this gen, it is, so yeah.

See, this first stage is kinda boring, but trust me, things get much better from here.


Overall: 5/10

3rd Anniversary

Hot damn, I missed it.

On Nov. 3rd, NAPACE turned 3 years old. That just seems so crazy bananas to me.

Makes me wonder if it'll be around for the 4th? Probably not, because unless I really step up the procrastination game, the 5th Gen ought to finish sometime in the Spring. And I doubt there'll be a new generation around for me to review by then...

huh. Maybe I can move on to judging the shit out of something else? Preferably Pokemon-related? What would you guys like to see this blog tackle, if anything?


Well, I'll just burn that bridge when I come to it. But for now, thanks for reading the Pokemon-induced rantings of a madman.

Just remember to not believe anyone who tells you every Pokemon can be a star, that's blatantly false. Not all Pokemon are Created Equal, after all. And it's my job to tell the unenlightened masses which ones are more equal than the rest.

No. 542: Leavanny

Leaf it to the final stage to vindicate a Pokemon!


Sweet Christmas  look how freakin' dapper this guy looks. He's got coattails, a proper, refined stance, pantaloons, and even bows a little in his animations I think. Guy's like the Fred Astaire of Bug Pokemon, which is admittedly a little like saying Ringo is the most prominent drummer in the Beatles, but my point still stands. classy bug is classy. I wish his shiny sprite was black and white, but that would be almost too much.

He also gets a pretty good attack and speed stats, which means you can just X-Scissor and Leaf Blade everything in your path. Just watch out for any lit matches, and you'll be fine. I think this is one of the few 3-stage-bugs that ends up actually above average. After nothing but shit for 2 generations, Bug Pokemon are finally making a comeback here in Unova.


Overall: 8/10

No. 541: Swadloon

There's nothing better than being comfy and warm when it's cold and wet outside.


So I empathize with Swadloon, I really do. The world is a cold, dark place, and if I could just huddle up in a blanket all the time, that would be pretty nice.

Unfortunately, that's also the path of the weak and spineless. Lackluster plebeians who can't face the world, hiding away - that ain't my style. Being a shut-in is for turbo nerds who can't handle how kickass reality is! Carpe Diem, Seize the Day!


...um, well. I find it kinda odd that every single 3-stage Bug Pokemon undergoes the larva-cocoon-adult process in some way. I mean, perhaps that's because a shit-ton of bugs really do that, but couldn't you be more imaginative? Wrapping up with leaves is a unique way of representing it, so I'm not super complaining, but I am getting a little bored with the trend. It's even worse that for some reason Salamence and Tyranitar had to go through that crap, they're dragons, not even bugs! What gives!?


Overall: 4/10

No. 540: Sewaddle

I know what you're thinking - ANOTHER caterpillar?

But hear me out - at least Sewaddle has a design that's more complex than "a caterpillar". To be precise, it's one of those bugs that sews leaves together or something. Actually, isn't that carpenter ants? Maybe silk is used? no wait, that's spiders. Okay, so I'm not really sure how it be, but it tries, which counts for something.

As for the rest, it's just sorta nothin' special. Lil' bug, nobs for legs, unblinking eyes, the usual.

And a tiny pair of round buttocks growing out of its head - or breasts, or testicles, or some other exciting new naughty bit - take your pick. I pick "no one bug should make me have to think of all this bullshit what the heck"


Overall: 3/10

No. 539: Sawk

It's the blue guy! yaaaaay


except, Throh had a gimmick in that he, well, threw shit all around the room. But Sawk just kinda has, uh, regular fighting moves. Sure, they're good ones, but they ain't something special.

In fact, I don't even know why they were thinking. Like I said, Throh was different, Sawk is generic. It's like pairing up a Fire/Water type and a Normal/Flying type and saying they're "destined rivals" or something, it'll be stupid.

Taken on his own, though, Sawk has the same acceptable design decisions that Throh has, except he's more lean and blue instead of stocky and red. So that's fine, but not really pushing him up over the average. And I still can't get over how generic Fighting-type he is. He doesn't even have any unique moves.


Overall: 4/10

No. 538: Throh

remember when fighting Pokemon had cool names, instead of just typos?


Throh is kinda cool, though. He gots quilted sleeves, that's neat. He's a judo-guy, he's wearing safety kneepads, alright.

More than that, though, is his moves. Dude has throws. He can use Circle Throw to just toss a fool out of the ring, Storm Throw which always crits, or Vital Throw which goes last but always hits. And none of those are any slouch on damage, either. Also he gets Siesmic Toss, which means no matter what, you're getting thrown. He's like Zangief, except a judo Pokemon instead of a hairy Russki.

Damn, but he is red though, isn't he?

Anyway, middling design, but a fun concept. Sure he's just a Fighting-type, but he's a different breed. Defense and Health instead of any semblance of Speed.


Overall: 7/10

No. 537: Seismitoad

I like his Japanese name better. "Gamageroge". Just rolls off the tongue.


but all those warts and shit are making me sick. hideous bulges all over his self, like, big as golf balls. It looks awful, like maybe they're filled with air waiting to pop, like plastic blisters? Or even worse, maybe they're filled with fluid.

Either way, it makes me unsure of the status of my stomach.

I like Seismitoad's general idea. Big fat boss frogs are badass. That one guy in Naruto is a good example. And he's got a good (if overplayed) typing, surf + earthquake just wrecks so many different kinds of shit.

But those goddamn boils, man. I don't wanna see them wigglin' and jigglin' all over my screen.


Overall: 4/10

No. 536: Palpitoad

aren't heart palpitations usually a bad thing?


In this case, they're at least an ugly thing. I mean, Christ, is that thing hideous. He looks like he didn't just get hit with the ugly stick, he got beat within an inch of his life by the ugly stick.

Pro tip for all you aspiring character designers out there: giving your characters large boils or warts that look like they might be filled with pus or eggs or something - not the best plan. Especially when you stick them on what looks like Globox, if he has his arms amputated, grew a half-assed tail, and forcibly expelled all of his charisma out his eyes.

To make matters worse, he's another Water/Ground. That type combo, while effective, isn't as fresh and new as it was in Gen 2. And this nasty shit's called the "Vibration Pokemon"? get bent, I don't give a piss.


Overall: 1/10

No. 535: Tympole

I hope you all had a spooky Halloween. I held off on Tympole til today because he's just too damn cute to spook anyone.

Aww, just look at 'im! Little bashful face, upturned eyebrows, he's trying his darnedest to look fierce, but it's November 1st, lil' guy! You don't have to scare anybody today!

Uh, though now that I look at you, I'm not really sure what even. Another tadpole, like Poliwag, but it's like a Taiko drum or something? with headphones on? or knobs or some shit?

eh, whatever. Timpani tadpole who keeps the tempo, I get it. Just another one that makes me wish there was a Sound type, as I've advocated for in the past.


Overall: 4/10

No. 534: Conkeldurr

Donkelderp


Now, c'mon, Conkeldurr? Seriously? Conkeldurr? This got stupid in a hurry.

Conkeldurr has all the problems of Gurdurr, but magnified. He's a dopey old man with a clown nose, a name that isn't even a pun anymore, and two random pieces of concrete that he carries. He's not badass, he just looks geriatric and lame. The only thing redeeming him at all is that when you think about it, using the shattered halves of a freaking pillar of concrete is pretty hardcore. I just wish he slung them over his shoulder like a boss, instead of leaning on them like a walker.

and I must admit I find it hilarious that his lower body is exactly the same size as it was when he was Timburr. Apparently all he does is lift.


Overall: 2/10

No. 533: Gurdurr

Dial G for Gurdurr

Timburr was a pun, and I guess Gurdurr is too, but at least the former didn't contain the infamous "durr" syllable, that signifies herping and derping and generally not having more brain strength than the average eclair.

He looks like Komusubi from Eyeshield 21, and that isn't a good thing. For all his guts, the guy was a little bitch. Clown-nose isn't cool, nor is cauliflower-hair. I'm back to talking about Gurdurr now, by the way.

Urg. I know what they were going for, and I know what's coming, but I still don't want it to happen. Timburr was damn near perfect. Gurdurr is a freaking dud.


Overall: 3/10